Be Careful Little Tongue What You Say

 

There is an children’s hymn “Be Careful Little Eyes, What You See.” You can listen to the song here: https://youtu.be/pqFrXwpTI-w

This song has one verse in particular that relates to what I want to share with you:

Oh, be careful, little tongue, what you say, Oh, be careful, little tongue, what you say. There’s a Father up above looking down in tender love, Oh, be careful, little tongue, what you say.

So often we are careless with our words. This can lead to all kinds of problems. Often careless words are destructive. The Bible says in James 3:6 “And the tongue is a fire. The tongue, a world of unrighteousness, is placed among our members. It stains the whole body, sets the course of life on fire, and is itself set on fire by hell.” When we mindlessly say things without thought of the fire storm, we are starting we can do more harm than good.

Ephesians 5:4 has three types of speaking that are particularly problematic. They are obscenities, foolish talk, and course jesting.

Obscenities are words that are on offensive to Godly morality. This category of often sexualized speech limits what is acceptable to talk about as Christians. Some examples would be sexual humor or talk, scatological talk, vulgar words, stories inciting lust, lewd language, and morally debased speech.

The list of obscenities for the Christian is likely longer than that of the world around us. In fact, under the banner of free speech there is a gradual diminishing of what is considered obscene. This is accelerated by our media and technology. It has become common place in modern interactions. We have become desensitized to the shock of obscene language that it has become everyday vocabulary for many people. This type of language often replaces ordinary and plain words as the filthy language becomes the nouns, verbs, adjectives, and adverbs of everyday life.

Just a note before moving on. Talking about sex and sexuality in the context of how the Bible treats the subject is not considered obscene. For example, Song of Solomon is a book of the Bible filled with passionate and sexual imagery. We must be careful not to go to the other extreme and make all talk about our sexuality seem obscene. There is a time and a place for healthy conversations about sex.

Foolish talk is related to dull and stupid conversations that do not lead to edification of anyone.

In my life and work I have had times where I attempted to carry on a conversation with someone who was intoxicated. These are unfruitful and pointless.

Worse still I have had unfruitful and pointless conversations while the participants were sober. It is these conversations that “foolish talk” covers. Paul describes the issue in his two letters in 2 Timothy 2:23 “But reject foolish and ignorant disputes, because you know that they breed quarrels.” and in Titus 3:9 “But avoid foolish debates, genealogies, quarrels, and disputes about the law, because they are unprofitable and worthless.”

It is so easy to fall into these types of conversations. They are typical on social media. I must admit I have been guilty of being drawn into these types of conversations both in response to some foolish comment and also making the foolish comment. For me the urge to engage is strong so I must be vigilant to discipline my speech and avoid prolonged and unprofitable dialogues.

For me personally I have a few weak spots when it comes to foolish talk. 1) If someone asks me a question, but really is baiting me for a debate. 2) If someone calls into question my intelligence, integrity, or morality. 3) If someone says something (intentionally or naively) that I know for a fact is not true. Knowing this then I must really put the brakes on and ask, “Is this one of those foolish talk moments?”

I used to think that “coarse jesting” was sexual humor. This sexual humor would certainly be covered by obscenity. As I dug into the original Greek language though I realized that the word had a much broader application. This word is only used once in the Bible which makes it difficult to an original language study. I did find that Aristotle listed this as a virtue. It is also interesting that Tomas Aquinas favored a more generous view of this word.

So, what exactly is this word those philosophers see as virtue yet Paul in his letter to the Ephesians considers it a vice?

εὐτραπελία (eutrapelia) is the Greek word we are talking about here. This word relates to being quick witted. This ability to respond with cutting humor is a highly effective rhetorical skill. This ability can make pure appeals to emotion seem very rational. I believe that the effectiveness as a rhetorical device and it’s passive aggressive in contrast to overt aggression is the virtue that Philosophers see as a virtue. However, Paul sees it as a vice in that it is not an appeal to truth but to emotion. This type of jesting is often used in disagreements.

In his sermon Isaac Burrow says it this way:

In fine (conclusion), no jesting is allowable which is not thoroughly innocent: it is an unworthy perverting of wit to employ it in biting and scratching; in working prejudice to any man's reputation or interest; in needlessly incensing any man's anger or sorrow; in raising animosities, dissensions, and feuds among any.

The whole sermon is worthy of a read even though it is old English and can be found here: Against Foolish Talking and Jesting.

This biting humor has become the staple of modern political and religious criticism. People who do it well are seen as heroic by their supporters. Most of what passes as political commentary is more about making the other side look foolish.

When it comes to religious matters though this same abusive and provoking humor has increasingly become part of the dialog. Even too many it has become a heroic trait of people they admire.

In times past this type of humor was relegated to obscure chat boards and tedious comment sections. However, our appetite for this type of humor has brought this type of joking to the front and center of our consumption. This type of humor is no longer commentary on the subject but has become the very presentation of the subject itself. We engage in this type of humor with no thoughts about the consequences to others. It is abusive, destructive, and divisive. More importantly it grieves the heart of God.

When we use humor to denigrate, abuse, malign, damage another’s reputation, disparage, and just generally rudeness then we have fallen prey to this very prohibition of “coarse jesting.”

I fear that without recognition of how destructive this type of talk is and how much it grieves the heart of God we promote that which is ultimately unrighteous and sinful. This is doubled since it is often delivered with a prideful piety as well.

Personally, I have reached a point in seeing this kind of behavior, that no matter what truth which I may agree or disagree with a person that regularly engages in such humor is not worth my time. This is hard since for many these same people I call into question are heroes.

In my own jesting I have become keenly aware of when I use “coarse jesting” to denigrate others. I am working on removing it from my own actions. I must admit the temptation to make the person you disagree with look foolish is extraordinarily strong. Often this coarse jesting just slips out. I often am catching myself afterwards and needing to repent and seek forgiveness.

So, what can we say then if we are attempting to avoid obscenities, foolish talk, and coarse jesting? Ephesians 5:4 offers a very practical solution of “Giving Thanks.” It is through gratitude and admiration that we move our talk to that which is uplifting and beneficial. We raise above the divisive and destructive conversations when we learn to express those things that we appreciate about others.

Giving thanks rather than engaging in obscene talk protects from getting into base and filthy mindset. This also protects us from other sexual sins as well. Giving thanks puts an end to endless foolish dialogues. When you appreciate someone, you gain an ally rather than a verbal foe. Appreciation says that the relationship is more important than the foolish disagreement. Giving thanks rather than coarse jesting creates safe and productive conversations rather than entrenched verbal warfare. When you appreciate something about the person who opposes you it is disarming both psychologically for you and socially for your would be enemy.

Proverbs 15:1 CSB

A gentle answer turns away anger, but a harsh word stirs up wrath.

In the end this thankfulness presents a way of talking that is vastly different from the world. It is a redemptive and sanctifying way of communication. What is more, God has commanded us to talk with one another in this way!

May God Richly Bless You

~BJ

 

Speak the Truth in Love (Good Communication)

Speaking the truth in love requires good communication in my estimation.  If you are just talking to get your point across then really you are just using persuasive speech and not solid relationship affirming communication.  Persuasive speech does not require an intimacy of relationship.  It does not require mutual understanding.  It does not even require the person speaking to take a turn listening.  Good good communication does require these though. Let's take a closer look at the process of good communication.

Speak the Truth in Love (The context)

Have you ever noticed that when someone says “I am speaking the truth in love” that it is more to make themselves feel better than a genuine sentiment? I would be more accurate to say, “You are not going to like what I have to say so I am going to say I am doing it in love to make myself feel better.” This expression is often used in relationships that have conflict. What does it mean to “Speak the truth in love”? The reference is to Ephesians 4:14-16

Who is Your Greatest Friend?

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I have been looking at the circles of friends that are found in Jesus' life.  There is one friendship that I have not discussed yet.  It was a relationship of absolute trust and confidence.  It is a relationship that is full of love, acceptance, and pleasure.  It is the foundation of all other relationships that Christ extended and extends to others.  It is Jesus' relationship with His Father.  The relationship that Jesus had/has with Father God is the basis of all redemptive, restorative, caring, loving, trusting relationships.  In fact I will go so far as to say apart from this relationship there is no ability on our part to ever experience true intimacy.  To Know and be known is quite a thing.

As I have said in a previous post it seems that God has created us with a longing to know and be known.  It is built into our very soul.  It is an integral part of our biology, and it streams from our spirit.   The problem is that we tend to replace the order of things in a way that leads us to unsatisfactory fulfillment of this longing.  In God's creation this longing of being known follows this order: God (Matthew 22:37-38), Spouse (Matthew 19:6), Family (more spiritual than biological see Mark 3:33-34), and Friends (John 15:12-15).  Interestingly we can have differing levels of intimacy with all of these, but without intimacy with God then the rest are susceptible to disappointment and disillusionment.  Broken fellowship with God leads us into broken fellowship and intimacy with others.  Love seems to be a central theme of all these relationships.  However, this love starts with our relationship with God.

So then how to we cultivate a relationship with God?  How does love play into this relationship?  How does this relationship allow other relationships to fall into Place?

As in any relationship a relationship with God takes investment of time and energy to grow.  One can hardly expect that a relationship to grow when the time spent relating to that person is limited.  Often people do not spend much time with God and the wonder, "Why is it that I do not experience closeness with God?"  The core of a relationship with god involves continuous prayer, meditation, and study of God's Word.  It is often the  case that we are satisfied with occasional prayer, devotional thinking, and study of books about God.   The latter list is one of the reasons frankly that so many do not have the intimacy with God that they long for. 

Luke 18:1-8, Luke 21:36, Romans 12:12, Acts 1:14, Ephesians 6:18, Colossians 4:2, and 1 Peter 4:7 all deal with the persistence of prayer in Christian life.  Payer is our devoted communication to God.  It is our opportunity to thank Him for what He has given, honor Him for who He is, intercede for others that need Him, and lift our own needs to Him.  Brother Lawrence "Practicing the Presence of God" lived a life of focused devotion to God at all moments of the day.  He shared:

Brother Lawrence felt it was a great delusion to think that the times of prayer ought to differ from other times. We are as strictly obliged to adhere to God by action in the time of action, as by prayer in its time. His own prayer was simply a sense of the presence of God, his soul being at that time aware of nothing other than Divine Love. When the appointed times of prayer were past, he found no difference, because he still continued with God, praising and thanking Him with all his might. Thus his life was a continual joy.  (Forth Conversation)

And

Hold yourself in prayer before God, like a dumb or paralytic beggar at a rich man's gate. Let it be your business to keep your mind in the presence of the Lord. If your mind sometimes wanders and withdraws itself from Him, do not become upset. Trouble and disquiet serve rather to distract the mind than to re-collect it. The will must bring it back in tranquility. If you persevere in this manner, God will have pity on you.  (Eighth Letter)

The image of a dumb or paralytic beggar is certainly an image that I can identify with when it comes to prayer.  I am thankful that God is compassionate and kind to earnest followers.

May your prayer life enliven your soul and light your path.  Blessings to you.

Is Meaningful Conversation a Measure of Happiness?

Image by Lawrence OP via Flickr

I have had a bit of writers block, but in my prayer time this morning the log jam in my mind was broken. 

It seems to me that one thing that most people long for is an authentic relationship.  And yet it also seems that it is the one thing that is lacking in nearly everyone's life.  Why?  Well the answer to that is about as diverse as the people that long for them.  Broken trust, past trauma, unmet expectations, living in a fallen world, perfectionism, fear, awkwardness, social degradation, unhealthy messages from past, self-doubt, rebellion, neglect, and on and on all wage an assault on authentic relationships.  If we are honest this assault comes from within as much as it comes from the outside.  When relationships lack authenticity then meaningful conversation is first to go. 

Recently there was a study about having a substantive conversation with others (see article here).  In this study they found that those that had more substantive conversations were generally more happy than those that engaged in small talk.  Interestingly the strongest correlation with lower scores of happiness was being alone (see actual study here).  So being alone in this study is the best predictor of low scores on well-being, next was small talk which was not an effective predictor, but correlated with lower scores on well-being, then substantive conversations was a predictor of of higher scores on well-being.  And the strongest predictor of well-being was being able to talk to others generally (whether or not the conversation was substantive). 

If talk is a measure of authentic relationships (which seems reasonable to me) this study seems to confirm my belief that people are seeking and longing for authentic relationships.  And it would also seem that either people who have a higher sense of well-being seek out more meaningful conversation and/or people who engage in meaningful conversation are generally happier people.  If I had to guess I would say it is probably a little of both. 

Interestingly Jesus offers the opportunity to enter into authentic relationship with Him and in turn with others.  However, I do not see these types of relationships by in large in the church nor in Christian families.  It is possible that I am biased in the fact that I am a counselor and generally I get the darker side of life by virtue of that profession.  However even as I look to relationships outside of my job I discover that rarely is anything ever as it seems.  That underlying most relationships is a longing for authentic relationship.  I am not jaded.  I have seen these relationships, but my gut tells me they are in the minority. 

My wife is one of the authentic relationships.  She knows me better than any person has my whole life.  The good, the bad, and the ugly.  Yet she accepts me.  That is a precious gift.  Don't get me wrong there is still plenty that I do that gets on her nerves (sometimes I wonder how she does it), but she stays with me and loves me.  Yet even in this relationship, when she or I stop engaging in meaningful conversation, I think my experience is consistent with the study in that my sense of well-being goes down.  I also can say that being alone without my wife around is a time when my well-being is the lowest.  Sorry babe you cannot take that trip out of town with the women (just kidding).

Jesus is one of those relationships where I have experienced authenticity.  Before Him there is nothing hidden (even when I would have them hidden they are not).  So openness is a foregone conclusion.  Yet even in this relationship can lack authenticity.  My own shortcomings can stand in the way.  Not because Jesus, but because of my own pride and/or my own shame.  Either or both of these will become a barrier to authentic relationship with Christ.  Interestingly this same concept of meaningful conversation comes into play.  I notice a correlation to my sense of well being and reading my Bible (the way that Jesus speaks to me) and Prayer (the way that I speak to Jesus and the Holy Spirit leads my heart). 

Where are you at?  Is your relationship with Jesus Authentic?  Do you have a relationship with Christ?  If you do then are you talking with Him through prayer and Bible reading? 

How about your other relationships?  Do you have people that you engage in meaningful conversation with?  If not what is standing in the way?  If it is a confidence thing what are you willing to do to restore that confidence?  What changes are you willing to make to have and be an in authentic relationship?

Blessing to you all! 

Circles of Confidence part II

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Friends of Christ

No one has greater love than this, that someone would lay down his life for his friends.
John 15:13 (HCSB)

Before we look at some of the friends of Christ I want to examine his teaching on friendship.  At the heart of friendship is a love that is sacrificial.  Without sacrificial love there can be no greater confidence and intimacy has reached its limit.  There are people who can live this way.  They have enough confidence in humanity to accomplish particular tasks (eg fellow workers), but they never go beyond.  Their circle of confidence never allows for others to come near them.  In doing this they protect themselves from being hurt.  However they tend to live lives of isolation and loneliness. 

You are My friends if you do what I command you.
John 15:14 (HCSB)

This verse can have double application I believe.  Jesus' is clearly saying when we love with a sacrificial love then we are His friends.  I think by implication when we do not love this way then we are not acting like friends of Jesus.  The other application I believe is that a friend will fulfill the request of another friend.  Don't get me wrong we must hold Jesus in higher regard than other friends, but if a friend asks you to do something and you do not do it then how is it that person is your friend.  In this way it seems to me that most friendships are killed by neglect and not by angry actions. When what we do does not match up with what we say or believe then we lack integrity.  This lack of integrity is destructive to relationships.  For example, If I say I believe in the Grace and Forgiveness of God, but I do not treat others graciously or in a forgiving manner then I lack integrity and people will question and/or reject my friendship and I am rejected by God (See Matthew 18:32-35). 

...I have called you friends, because I have made known to you everything I have heard from My Father.
John 15:15 (HCSB)

A friend is a person that shares important parts of what they know.  Openness is a good measure of friendships.  When a person starts to withhold information from another then friendships wither.  A lack of openness usually is a good measure of a lack of confidence.  This lack of confidence can be in certain areas of the relationship.  For example I may have high confidence that a friend will help me with a job around the house, but low confidence that they could help me with a emotional problem.  That is OK.  We will see that Jesus had fewer people that He put higher confidence in than those who were simply His friends.  So varying degrees of confidence is not a bad thing in itself. 

In this Jesus is making known to his friends what He is hearing from our Heavenly Father.  We to can make intimate things know about our relationship with God as well as intimate part of our lives.  As our confidence grows then so does our ability to be intimate in our relationships.  Jesus did not do this with everyone though.  In the same manner we need to discern who is a friend and who is not. 

You did not choose Me, but I chose you...
John 15:16 (HCSB)

Here we can again see a double meaning in this passage.  Jesus is saying that he chose His friends to be the continuation of His ministry here on earth.  His friends were going to establish the Church and tell others about the Good News of Salvation through Christ.  It also says that Jesus chose His friends.  In the same manner we to should choose our friends.  All to often people let others to choose them as friends.  Sometimes they are lucky and other times not so.  Keeping your eyes open and paying attention to how people talk about other, how they treat others, and to a certain extent trusting your convictions is a good way to discern who would be a good friend. 

In short then Jesus teaches that friendship involves sacrificial love, willingness to do things that a friend asks, openness, and a choice (discernment) of friends.  God willing I will look at the people that were friends of Christ.  God Bless You.

Spiritual Intimacy II

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Husbands, in the same way, live with your wives with an understanding of their weaker nature yet showing them honor as co-heirs of the grace of life, so that your prayers will not be hindered.
1 Peter 3:7 (HCSB)

This passage gives insight into the spiritual nature of marriage.  I have already written about my understanding of weaker nature in a previous post.  I believe that there is scarcely a more important spiritual discipline than prayer.  This passage from the Bible place marriage in highest esteem among spiritual disciplines.  Follow my logic if you will.  This passages suggests that effective prayer is subordinate to understanding and honoring your spouse (wife in this case).  That is a profound statement in my estimation.  Earnest prayer can be hindered by broken marriage relationship. 

Spiritual significance of understanding your spouse

Understanding is one of the greatest gifts that you can give another human being.  This should especially be true in marriages.  The gift of understanding touches a deep emotional level that releases feelings of good will.  Understanding in a marriage can go much deeper than the emotional level.  There is a connection that occurs in which the other person becomes so connected that they often understand the other person without ever having to express it with words.  I would distinguish this from "jumping to conclusions" which typically put the other in a negative light.  It is more concluding how the spouse feels in a compassionate, empathetic, and caring way.  I notice at times when I come home sometimes the day has worn on my wife.  At that moment I can move to a deeper spiritual understanding by being her helpmate (that is fulfill  my spiritual role as her husband) or I can think, "better avoid her she having a bad day."  Understanding in this way is more than a mere thought of "I get it."  It is an understanding that moves to action in the best interest of the other.  When you can do that then you are cultivating spiritual intimacy in your marriage. 

Spiritual significance of honoring your spouse

Both men and women are commanded to honor their spouse.  Men are commanded to honor their wives by appreciating their great value. Women are commanded to honor by respecting their husband.  When a husband and wife act mutually in this manner then they are spiritually intimate.  It is a great blessing when husband treat their wives with the high value that God sees in them and women treat their husbands with the respect they long for.  This type of action is bonding in a deeply spiritual way. 

That is not to say it is always easy to act in this way.  However, if your goal is spiritual intimacy then there is nothing greater than understanding and honoring your spouse.  

Spiritual Intimacy

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This is why a man leaves his father and mother and bonds with his wife, and they become one flesh. Both the man and his wife were naked, yet felt no shame.
Genesis 2:24-25 (HCSB)

Genesis 2:24-25 expresses the spiritual ideal for marriage. 

Leaving the family of origin

It is important to understand the meaning of this leaving.  Some would take this to mean that we must cut off our family of origin.  I have met with couples who take this stance.  They do this to there detriment at times in light of:

Honor your father and your mother so that you may have a long life in the land that Yahweh your God is giving you.
Exodus 20:12 (HCSB)

Some would say that this command is only for children.  However Jesus plainly tells an adult that he is to honor his mother and father in Matthew 19:16-19.  So as you can see either we have a contradiction or the intent of Genesis 2:24 is not to communicate the idea of cutting off.  The idea captured by the word leave is that we are leaving something behind.  It is releasing some object.  Often those objects are a barrier that keeps us from being all that God wants us to be.  In this case holding on to intimacy with your family of origin will get in the way of full intimacy with your spouse.  Take a look at what Adam has just said in this passage:

And the man said: This one, at last, is bone of my bone and flesh of my flesh; this one will be called "woman," for she was taken from man.
Genesis 2:23 (HCSB)

Adam could not find a suitable helper from all of God's Creation.  First it should be recognized that man had a need.  We are incomplete in one sense without our helpmate. "This one" There is only one and not more than one, but "this one" is from me and with me.  There is hardly a more intimate bond that can be expressed than in the marriage relationship.  However not leaving the intimacy of your family of origin is detrimental to intimacy with your spouse. 

Not wanting to be misunderstood, let me plainly say that we need to honor our parents.  This would include listening to them, caring for them, seeking their wisdom, cherishing them, loving them, and respecting them.  This passage has no effect on this part of the relationship with our parents.  However, one must make a spiritual break from his or her parents if they are to experience oneness with his or her spouse. 

Bonding

Bonding is the intimacy that occurs in a relationship that draw two together into one relationship.  Ideally the highest bond is our relationship with God.  Next in order would be our relationship with our spouse.  We bond to our spouse by approaching and holding.  This bond in consummated in the act of sexual intercourse (more on sexual intimacy in a future post).  Often in our free culture with regard to sexual morality we have weakened the bond by reducing the spiritual nature of sexuality into a mere act of gratification and procreation.  Bonding is a process that occurs as the couple meets, get's to know each other, develop trust, become physical, then sexually involved as well as Spiritually intimate.  Ideally the last part occurs in the safety and security of marriage bonds.  When people trade the bonding process for sex (the act not intimacy) then then tend to bond with whatever object is used for sexual gratification (more on this in the Sexual intimacy post). 

Becoming One

It is a great mystery of how two individuals can become one.  It is a spiritual connection that ties them together at the depth of the soul.  This oneness is expressed in all manner of actions and yet the actions themselves do not make a couple one.  For example oneness is expressed in devotion to one another.  However devotion is not a way to achieve oneness.  There is an expression that the whole is greater than the sum of it's parts.  In this case becoming one is greater than the acts that express that oneness.  Magnetic attraction is a useful illustration:

This is two magnets aligned to repel each other.  Note how the magnetic fields do not connect and radiate away from each other.
This one the magnets are still aligned to repel, but are forced together.  It makes a nice flower shape, but still the fields radiate away from each other.
In this one the magnets are separated but aligned to attract each other.  You can see that even though there are two different fields they still are connected.
In this picture the magnets are aligned to attract and are connected.  Notice there is one single new magnetic field that is created.
What is more is that it looks like the magnetic field of a single magnet. "The two shall become one"

Images use with permission Hoadley, Rick.  "Magnet Man".  http://www.coolmagnetman.com  1998-2010

These illustrate spiritual intimacy in this way. If a couple is not aligned spiritually no amount of forcing them together (even with religious doctrine) is going to make them one.  What is more the spirituality of the other is likely going to repel the other away from them.  For example this happens often when a spouse looks at the other and says he/she is not acting according to God's word while not examining whether they are loving or honoring their spouse in the way that God desires them to.   On the other hand, If a couple is aligned spiritually then separation will result in an attraction that pulls the couple back together.  What is more when they come together they become one.   The attraction or repulsion is evidenced by the effect on the two individuals, but the spiritual field is invisible to the naked eye. 

They Were Naked

Spiritual intimacy involves vulnerability at its deepest level.  Believe it or not being comfortable with each other while naked is a good measure of spiritual intimacy in my estimation.  If there is a lack of comfort then it indicates that the spouse has some insecurity that has not been overcome by spiritual intimacy.  That is not to say that you go around naked all the time.  But in those intimate moments there is a deep love and devotion toward each other that transcends nakedness.  There also is a purity spiritually speaking as well.  Note it was not until after sin entered the world that the first couple realized they were naked and they rushed to cover up at that point (see Genesis 3:7).  When sin enters a relationship spiritual intimacy breaks down. 

Feeling No Shame

Negative feelings are destructive to Spiritual Intimacy none more destructive than shame.  Shame seeks a way out, run away, cover up, escape, fight back, blame, close off, avoid, push away, and ultimately cut off.  Being able to come together and experience no shame is a spiritual event in the life of a couple.  It is a feeling of all is right in the world as long as we are together.  Without shame marriage is a place to honor, celebrate, admire, exult, prize your spouse.

Listening, Validation, and Edification

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Validation is a very difficult subject to understand.  Often time people believe that validation means giving people a complement that makes them feel good.  That is not validation.  Some people believe simply saying I understand is validation.  That can be, but often it is not.  Validation is what happens with the person you are most likely to go to when you have a problem you want to talk about.  That person validates you because you believe they are listening to you.  Validation then is the communication back to the person that has just said something that indicates you were listening. 

In marriage there are many things that we can do that are invalidating.  Day to day we can use invalidating words or phrases that make the other person feel they are not heard or that they are being told what they think or feel is wrong.  We all do it often without thinking about it.  However, when invalidating words are the norm in communication it will shut down any positive communication that might have occurred.  For example a teenager might come to her parents and tell about some slight that has happened to her at school.  And the parents might say, "I am sure that she did not mean it that way."  or "Don't be so thin skinned."  Those phrase communicate to this teenager that her feelings are not valid. 
There is a better way to respond. In "The Things We Say" document is a list of invalidating phrases courtesy of  Steve Hein (http://www.eqi.org/invalid.htm).  I found this list to be a fairly comprehensive list of invalidating statements that are commonly made by people (I have not researched Steve Hein so I do not endorse his site it is just a good list).  Then I took this list of invalidating statements and added my own validating statements in the left hand column.  My suggestion is that you look them over and see if any of them sound like you and work on replacing your invalidating statements with more validating ones.
The act of listening in itself is validating, but only when the other person believes that they have your undivided attention.  Distractions can lead to the other person feeling invalidated.  So turn off the radio or TV,  put down the magazine or book, get off the computer (my personal weakness), look the person in the eye and focus on listening.  That will communicate non-verbally validation of the person's thoughts, feelings, and beliefs. 
Just as understanding does not mean that you are agreeing with a person, validation does not suggest that you are agreeing with them either.  Validation merely conveys to that person that you have heard and understood them.

Now we who are strong have an obligation to bear the weaknesses of those without strength, and not to please ourselves. Each one of us must please his neighbor for his good, to build him up. For even the Messiah did not please Himself. On the contrary, as it is written, The insults of those who insult You have fallen on Me. For whatever was written in the past was written for our instruction, so that we may have hope through endurance and through the encouragement from the Scriptures. Now may the God who gives endurance and encouragement allow you to live in harmony with one another, according to the command of Christ Jesus, so that you may glorify the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ with a united mind and voice. Therefore accept one another, just as the Messiah also accepted you, to the glory of God.
Romans 15:1-7 (HCSB)

In the Bible validation is very similar to edification.  Romans 15:1-7 describes the act of edification.  The act of edification is building up another person that they can be encouraged and press on to right living.  Edification is an act of love acting in the best interests of the other person above self-interest.  Edification creates hope, endurance, and encouragement.  For the Christian this is rooted in the scriptures which is God's main method of communicating with us.  One thing that happens with both validation and edification is a sense of acceptance.  Just as Christ accepted us while we were sick with sin, how much more should we accept and encourage others to better living.   
God uses validation:

God heard the voice of the boy, and the angel of God called to Hagar from heaven and said to her, "What's wrong, Hagar? Don't be afraid, for God has heard the voice of the boy from the place where he is. "
Genesis 21:17 (HCSB)

Then the Lord said, "I have observed the misery of My people in Egypt, and have heard them crying out because of their oppressors, and I know about their sufferings."
Exodus 3:7 (HCSB)

The Lord said to him: I have heard your prayer and petition you have made before Me. I have consecrated this temple you have built, to put My name there forever; My eyes and My heart will be there at all times.
1 Kings 9:3 (HCSB)

Lord, You have heard the desire of the humble; You will strengthen their hearts. You will listen carefully,
Psalms 10:17 (HCSB)

I call on You, God, because You will answer me; listen closely to me; hear what I say.
Psalms 17:6 (HCSB)

Jesus used validation:

Hearing this, Jesus was amazed and said to those following Him, "I assure you: I have not found anyone in Israel with so great a faith!"
Matthew 8:10 (HCSB)

..she said to herself, "If I can just touch His robe, I'll be made well!" But Jesus turned and saw her. "Have courage, daughter," He said. "your faith has made you well." And the woman was made well from that moment.
Matthew 9:21-22 (HCSB)

Simon, Simon, look out! Satan has asked to sift you like wheat. But I have prayed for you that your faith may not fail. And you, when you have turned back, strengthen your brothers.
Luke 22:31-32 (HCSB)
When they had eaten breakfast, Jesus asked Simon Peter, "Simon, son of John, do you love Me more than these?" "Yes, Lord," he said to Him, "You know that I love You." "Feed My lambs," He told him.
John 21:15 (HCSB)

I want to close with this verse:

My dearly loved brothers, understand this: Everyone must be quick to hear, slow to speak, and slow to anger, for man's anger does not accomplish God's righteousness.
James 1:19-20 (HCSB)

May we Lord in our relationships especially in marriage always quick to hear, slow to speak and slow to anger.  In Jesus Name AMEN

Communication for Understanding (A Biblical Perspective)

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The mouth of the righteous is a fountain of life, but the mouth of the wicked conceals violence. Hatred stirs up conflicts, but love covers all offenses. Wisdom is found on the lips of the discerning, but a rod is for the back of the one who lacks sense. The wise store up knowledge, but the mouth of the fool hastens destruction.
Proverbs 10:11-14 (HCSB)

The Bible has much to say about communication.  We are wise when we use communication in a godly manner.  However we become foolish when we do not. 

This verse here identifies four aspects of wise communication.  First it is a fountain of life.  We can speak words of life into the souls of others.  Our words literally have power to build up another person.  The second aspect is love.  More importantly a love that covers up offences.  Third is discernment.  To me this means that we think before we speak.  Thoughtfulness is essential to wise communication.  Fourth, storing up knowledge.  I believe that this means that we are actively listening receiving the knowledge of others.  Listening is vital to good communication. 

This is contrasted by poor (foolish) communication.  First is the foolishness of not being open with something that is upsetting you.  When you conceal violence or thoughts of discontent you are storing it up for some future conversation.  These thoughts will be revealed in due time and not usually in a constructive manner.  The second example of foolish communication is responding in hatred and strife.  Thinking before you talk is contrasted by a person that lacks sense.  If you speak foolishly you will receive punishment according to this verse.  The opposite of good listening is running of the mouth.  Then end of running the mouth is destruction.  It reminds me of a saying I heard once:

Better to remain silent and have people think you are a fool, than to open your mouth and remove all doubt.

I know it is a cliche, but there is truth in it.

The one who conceals hatred has lying lips, and whoever spreads slander is a fool. When there are many words, sin is unavoidable, but the one who controls his lips is wise. The tongue of the righteous is pure silver; the heart of the wicked is of little value. The lips of the righteous feed many, but fools die for lack of sense.
Proverbs 10:18-21 (HCSB)

We see a similar theme that reinforces what is in the previous passage here.  Wise communication is controlled, righteous, pure, and feeds others.  Foolish communication conceals hatred, spreads slander, runs off with the mouth, is wicked, and lacks sense. 

A word spoken at the right time is like gold apples on a silver tray. A wise correction to a receptive ear is like a gold ring or an ornament of gold. To those who send him, a trustworthy messenger is like the coolness of snow on a harvest day; he refreshes the life of his masters. The man who boasts about a gift that does not exist is like clouds and wind without rain.
Proverbs 25:11-14 (HCSB)

This passage extends our understanding of wise communication.  Timing is everything.  You can say the right thing at the wrong time and the effect be the same as saying something foolish.  We need to be aware of the timing of our words.  Correction is effective when the other person is receptive.  It fuels conflict when they are not receptive.  Speaking to someone who is not receptive is foolish and a waste of time.  Try to understand why they are not receptive and care about their thoughts and feelings. 

People don't care about how much you know, until they know how much you care.

Wise communication is trustworthy and refreshing.  However foolish communication is like a cloud without rain.  Most of us have grown up with a disdain for rainy days.  However ask anyone that is in agriculture that having a cloud without rain during a dry spell is very disheartening.  In the same way having foolish communication in a marriage that is dry causes despair to set in. 

This passage made me laugh (Solomon had a good sense of humor I think), but it is deadly serious:

A person who is passing by and meddles in a quarrel that's not his is like one who grabs a dog by the ears. Like a madman who throws flaming darts and deadly arrows, so is the man who deceives his neighbor and says, "I was only joking!"
Proverbs 26:17-19 (HCSB)

That second part is more applicable to marriage.  I have noticed that people will act or speak aggressively and then dismiss his/her spouse's hurt feelings by saying, "I was only joking."  This is a form of invalidation.  Invalidation destroys healthy conversation. 

Praising and cursing come out of the same mouth. My brothers, these things should not be this way.
James 3:10 (HCSB)

When we use communication to bring our spouse down we are destroying the effectiveness of wholesome communication.  When "praising and cursing come out of the same mouth" the Bible's edict is quite clear, "These things should not be this way!"

It seems I have some work to do!

I love you Loverly!  I am sorry I do not always do my best to communicate that to you!

God Bless You All

Communicating for Understanding...

...Not to Just to Prove a Point

There are many books about communication in marriage: Techniques, strategies, ways to help your spouse listen, ways to make discussion more productive, fair fighting rules, ways to validate, and so on.  At the heart of all these is one central theme, "Do you understand your spouse?"  Not have you figured him/her out, but do you truly understand why they think, feel, believe, act the way that they do.  Most of us do not take the time or effort to understand our spouses.  If we did you would eliminate the majority of conflict that exists in your relationship.  Mutual understanding is the gold medal of communication.  Understanding is often sacrificed for proving a point or being right. 

Often what we think, feel, believe, say, and do makes sense to us.  That is to say there is a valid underlying reason for the things we feel, believe, say, and do.  These reasons make a lot of sense to us personally.  One thing we do not like is things that cause us to feel uncomfortable.  Not understanding why we are the way that we are leads us to feel uncomfortable.  We will accept a bad reason over no reason at all.  That being said our reason is valid.  Now it can be that our valid reason is based on faulty information and/or experiences, but our acting in regard to this faulty information is valid. 

Earlier in the week one in my family thought they heard someone outside late at night.  For me it was a reaction of adrenaline.  I can't say that I was afraid persey, but more in the mode of defense.  I had a valid reason for feeling defensive (the belief that someone was in our back yard).  Then next morning I looked in the back yard and found that some stuff had blown over in the wind causing what sounding like a person outside.  My valid reaction was based on a faulty belief.  The faulty belief though does not make my feelings, thoughts, and actions any less valid.  They make sense to me. 

Often times in marriage conflict our point of view makes sense to us.  We feel valid in that position.  Then our spouse comes out of left field with another positions that sound ridicules (note the invalidating way I put that more on invalidation in a future post).  Then we think (or more appropriately react) base on the assumption that if my position makes sense to me, and I do not understand you position then obviously you are wrong.  When in reality the only thing we have done is to fail to understand.  Communication for understanding begins with the premise that, "Just because I don't understand you does not mean that you are wrong, It simply means I do not understand you!"

Two questions you should ask yourself when you are in conflict:  1) What do I feel and does it make sense?  2) Does the person I am having conflict with make sense?   If you answer no to the first question then it is time to cut off the conversation get alone and sort out your feelings and thoughts.  If you do not understand yourself then it is unlikely that others will as you try to communicate it.  Spreading internal confusion is likely to make the person you are talking to confused.  If you answer yes to the first question but no to the second, then it is time to stop listening to the internal voice saying "but they are wrong" and engaged in seeking understanding.  Until you understand adequately you are unlikely to be helpful and often we increase the conflict by our lack of understanding.  You might try something like, "What you just said was ... I am having trouble understanding.  Could you explain that to me?"  By the way it is no fair to use this language to portray yourself as seeking to understand, but in the end you goal is to point out that the person is confused or wrong.  That is demeaning.  You need to seek genuine understanding for this to work!

"But I don't agree with them!"

That is OK!  Understanding and agreement are two different things.  It seems that marriage is one of the few relationships in which we have an unhealthy expectation that the other person is going to agree with every thought, feeling belief, and action as we do.  The fact is that you are two different people with different backgrounds and personalities.  You will not agree all the time.  If you say you are agreeing all the time then one or both of you are lying.  If you are not lying then chances are you have a spouse that does not tell you everything, but chooses to acquiesce to your position on all matters.  This will ultimately damage your relationship. 

Understanding is the ability to see the other person's reason for the way that they are responding to you.  It is seeing this as being valid even when it may be based on faulty beliefs and/or experiences.  We can understand someone without agreeing with them.  When we express this understanding it keeps the communication channels open and leads to greater awareness and intimacy with the other person.  On the other hand refusing to understand (intentionally or unintentionally) will shut down communication and lead to increased feelings of isolation in the relationship. 

In this way understanding proceeds agreement.  When agreement proceeds understanding then it is forced upon the person and they have to accept it like a surrender at the end of a conflict.  When understanding proceeds agreement then there is a huge opportunity to come together and grow in the relationship.  One huge drawback of this approach is that it takes time and effort, which are often in short supply in strained relationships.  It also requires a high level of self-discipline and self-sacrifice.  However these are worth it in light of a better relationship. 

I hope you all have a wonderful day.