Check out the Tri-City Herald

There is a wonderful story in the Tri-City Herald today February 14.   It is about a 90 year old couple that has been married for almost 72 years.  It is heart warming and inspirational.  You can see A picture of the couple here: Donald Barnard smooches Ruth, his bride of nearly 72 years and the story here: Kennewick couple celebrating 71st Valentine's Day.  Yes they did quote me for the article about 2/3rds of the way down.  Thank you Sara for sharing their story this is an example for all of us. 

If you missed the series on Marriage here is the table of contents. Have a blessed day with those that you love. 

1 Corinthians 13: What is Love? (repost)

Though I speak with the tongues of men and of angels, but have not love, I have become sounding brass or a clanging cymbal. (1 Corinthians 13:1; NKJV)

How often we speak not in love, but out of some other motive. Often we speak from a point of self-centeredness. It seems that this is the easiest thing to do. "I want..." "I need..." "I..." The ego is on the throne of our hearts. When we speak from this vantage point Love is not in our hearts. Passion perhaps, desire most definitely, longing, lust, but love is missing. Selfish desire and love can not cohabitate within the heart they are incompatible. Without love our speech becomes loud and obnoxious to the hearer.

And though I have the gift of prophecy, and understand all mysteries and all knowledge, and though I have all faith, so that I could remove mountains, but have not love, I am nothing. And though I bestow all my goods to feed the poor, and though I give my body to be burned, but have not love, it profits me nothing. (1 Corinthians 13:2-3)

Most Christians desire to do great things for God. We are thankful for the salvation from our sin. There was a young rich ruler (Mark 10:17-22) that lived in Jesus' day that wanted to be saved. He had reached the panicle of success at a young age and was ready to be great for God. Jesus informed him of the one thing that still prevented him from giving his life to the Lord.

Then, looking at him, Jesus loved him and said to him, "You lack one thing: Go, sell all you have and give to the poor, and you will have treasure in heaven. Then come, follow Me." (Mark 10:21; HCSB)

Notice that Jesus "loved" him. It is an unfortunate that so many fail to realize the love of God. They miss receiving this love into their hearts and so they go away empty. Unfortunately this young man could not bring himself to give up the worldly things that held his heart. You can have all the things of world. But if you do not have the love of God in you then it profits you nothing! In his heart he loved things of this world more than God or people. Is there anything that you love more than God or people?

Love suffers long and is kind; love does not envy; love does not parade itself, is not puffed up; does not behave rudely, does not seek its own, is not provoked, thinks no evil; does not rejoice in iniquity, but rejoices in the truth; bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. (1 Corinthians 13:4-7; NKJV)

Love is...	Love is not...
Longsuffering Kind toward others Joyful in truth Uplifting others Believing in others Hopeful	Envious Self promoting Conceited Rude Selfish Provoked Keeping records of wrong Happy with immorality

This is the core of Christian Love. We tend to make our walk with God much more complicated than it needs to be. Jesus said that the two greatest commandments were, "Love the Lord your God with all your heart, with all your soul, and with all your mind. This is the greatest and most important command. The second is like it: Love your neighbor as yourself. (Matt 22:37-39; HCSB)" Looking at the list above can you say that the "Love is" list defines your relationships with others? This is one of the Christian paradoxes, that something so simple could be so hard to accomplish. In fact impossible. Perfection in this regard is impossible in human effort. We need something else to be able to accomplish this. We will study Romans 8 later, but let me share this:

For I am persuaded that not even death or life, angels or rulers, things present or things to come, ?hostile? powers, height or depth, or any other created thing will have the power to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord! Romans 8:38-39 (HCSB)

Note two things: First we cannot ever be separated from the Love of God! Second that love is "in Christ Jesus our Lord!" When we come to God and receive Jesus Christ as our Lord we have the irresistible love of God placed into our lives and nothing can change that. I believe that the key to having that love then flow out of us into the lives of others is that second part. "In Christ Jesus our Lord" we can and must demonstrate the "love of God" toward God (through obedience; see 1 John 5:1-5) and toward others (through giving to others' needs; see 1 John 3:16-17). If we love in our own human nature the ego is always there to say, "What is in it for me." When we love "in Christ Jesus" then nothing stands in the way! The love that is listed in the table above is accomplished in Christ. This means that we have to live life for God and remain in Jesus to accomplish this kind of love.

Whoever confesses that Jesus is the Son of God?God remains in him and he in God. And we have come to know and to believe the love that God has for us. God is love, and the one who remains in love remains in God, and God remains in him. 1 John 4:15-16 (HCSB) (See also John 15:9-17)

Remaining in God's love is one of the most blessed virtues that a Christian can have and give! It is how the world is able to determine that Christ is with us (John 13:34-35).

Love never fails. But whether there are prophecies, they will fail; whether there are tongues, they will cease; whether there is knowledge, it will vanish away. For we know in part and we prophesy in part.But when that which is perfect has come, then that which is in part will be done away. (1 Corinthians 13:8-10; NKJV)

God's love is unending. Everything that we consider worthy or valuable in this life will vanish like dew under the warm sun. Love is one thing that we can trust to carry through from this life to the next. It is interesting that of all the things that God could allow us to take to heaven He chose love. I firmly believe that it is because love defines the very essence of God. In fact were God is, love is! (see 1 John 4:16-19). Another thing to point out that Jesus said the the rich young ruler was, "If you want to be perfect... (Matt 19:21)." Love is perfection of Christian virtue. If Love is the essence of God then love ought to define our lives. Christian love is the sign that God is in us and we are in Him.

When I was a child, I spoke as a child, I understood as a child, I thought as a child; but when I became a man, I put away childish things. For now we see in a mirror, dimly, but then face to face. Now I know in part, but then I shall know just as I also am known. (1 Corinthians 13:11-12; NKJV)

This love is much more lofty than this humble attempt to explain it. In fact it cannot be fully understood until we come to Jesus "face to face" in heaven. However through this love we have a glimpse of what heaven will be like. This love is our heaven on earth. We should cultivate it and let it grow so that it becomes the very center of our life and living. Love is the greatest!

And now abide faith, hope, love, these three; but the greatest of these is love. (1 Corinthians 13:13; NKJV)

The Greatest of These is Love (repost)

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Love is a four letter word in the English language. The word has become loud and obnoxious to our ears. We have the need to have our love now, all is fair in love and war, we can't stand it when someone else has love and we do not. If we are lucky enough to get it then we proclaim it though our network of friends "I found my love." If that love is not shown in return we start to wonder what is in it for me, that makes me mad, and remember how that person has hurt me so that we can bring it up in a future fight. We find pleasure in moral filth (pornography is a multi-billion dollar industry for example; not into that, how about what is now considered entertaining would have been pornographic 50 years ago). Honesty? We are skeptical. We question whether true love exists. We give up when love becomes to difficult. Love ends when we "fall out of love."

What happened? Did we lose our way????? I think part of the problem is that we have lost loves meaning. Think about we use the same word "love" to describe God's passion for us, the vow that we take saying "till death do us part," the relationship we have with good friends, our pets, a car that we like, our favorite food, a special new outfit, blogs, a clever joke or saying, favorite book, favorite TV show, job, house, or song. This same word is used to describe when our enemy gets there just reward, when a spouse finds a new fling, to sell us something we really do not need, prostitution, jealousy over something that another has that you do not have, to tell someone that we don't want to do something (ie I would love to if I had the time) and on and on.

Here is the problem. Love has come to mean so many things that it has lost its meaning. No wonder a person can be unfaithful to their spouse and turn around and call it "love." It is sad to hear those words, "I just don't love you anymore." Well either you have not understood love, or you never had it. I hope that as we study 1 Corinthians 13 we can clear up some of this confusion that is so pervasive in our culture.

God Help us to know Your love! Help us to experience Your love. Help us to share Your love. In Jesus Name AMEN

Next What is love?

St Valentine's Day

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There is coming up a holiday in which we celebrate love.  There are many theories as to the origin of this holiday.  One theory is the Roman religion celebrating Lupercalia (Celebrated February 13-15), which was Christianized by announcing the celebration of the martyrdom of St Valentine of Rome.  Legends are recorded within the Christian faith with the earliest documented mention of the story appearing around 1260 in Golden Legend and again in 1493 in the Nuremberg Chronicle.  There also have been a discovery of a Roman Catacomb and a church in early Christian Rome dedicated to a person named Valentine. 

The Legend of St Valentine is that he was Priest in Rome at the time of Emperor Claudius II.  At the time men were reluctant to go to war if they were married or engaged to be married.  This period of the Roman Empire was tumultuous (though somewhat less bloody relative to other Roman emperors) and this required that young men serve as Roman soldiers.  According to this legend Claudius suspended marriage so that men would not have attachments preventing them from going to battle.  There also were laws that made Christians illegal citizens of the Roman empire because they would not worship "Caesar is Lord." 

Valentine continued to perform marriages in violation of this law.  He was arrested and put into prison.  He continued to preach the Gospel and win others to the Lord according to this tradition.  Claudius was intrigued by Valentine because his witness in the face of adversity.  He called Valentine and told him if he renounced his faith and worshiped Roman God's that he would spare his life.  Valentine refused.  Instead he attempted to persuade Claudius to convert to Christianity.  This displeased Claudius greatly and Claudius sentenced Valentine to death by beating, stoning, and beheading.

According to this legend while in jail Valentine befriended the Jailer who had a blind daughter.  He called upon God to heal the Jailer's daughter of her blindness and she was healed.  The jailer and his family were converted to Christian faith.  Prior to his execution Valentine wrote a note to the Jailer's daughter encouraging her to stay strong in the faith.  He singed it "From your Valentine."  His execution is said to have occurred on February 14, 270AD. 

The difficulty with Legend that is recorded nearly 1000 years after an event is that it is being able to separate embellishment from that which factual.  However I believe the story can remind us of love and devotion.  Valentine defended the sacred rite of marriage as an institution of God when the state tried to suspend it.  He also uplifted the value of commitment, faith, devotion and integrity when denying these things would have spared his life.  Finally he died with a deep concern for the wellbeing of others that God had placed in his life. 

Perhaps we to can live with a self-sacrificing love that is demonstrated by this story.  I plan on reposting a couple of previous posts on the subject of love over then next couple of days.  I hope that your Valentine's day offers an opportunity to renew romantic love (if you are married) and devoted love for those that are important in your life, and most importantly the divinely inspired love that is demonstrated in the sacrifice of Jesus Christ.

God Bless You.

Making the Most of the Time

Image by Caucas' via Flickr

Pay careful attention, then, to how you walk not as unwise people but as wise making the most of the time, because the days are evil. So don't be foolish, but understand what the Lord's will is. And don't get drunk with wine, which leads to reckless actions, but be filled by the Spirit
Ephesians 5:15-18 (HCSB)

This passages immediately proceeds the passage on marriage (Eph 5:22-32).  This morning I am reflecting on my own need to make the most of time.  It seems that it is easy for me to fall into the chaotic life of busyness and in the process become less effective and eventually neglect the things that are important and that are really worthy of my time.

In this passage we see God's time management system.  First we are called to pay attention.  So often we mindlessly go through our day without a thought of what we are doing.  We do it simply because something has demanded our attention, out of habit, or just because. 

Once we have paid attention then God calls us to walk wisely.  To be honest with you I continually have to work at this one (as I am sure most of us do).  The beginning of Wisdom is fear of the Lord (Prov 9:10).  When respect God as our sovereign Lord then we are on the right path in our walk.  Perhaps that is why days that I start with a time of meditation on His word, prayer, and/or reflection on God are much more satisfying than those days that I neglect these. 

Continuing on this road God calls us to make the most of the time.  So many things compete for my attention.  I also struggle with being a bit ADD.  So I get the added bonus that my mind tend to follow the rabbit trails of life to the point that I forget what I was doing in the first place.  The idea of making the most of time is that we are "buying back our time."  It seems that our time is a commodity that is sold, bought, and traded.  All to often I sell my time to some other cause, effort, purpose than the one that God has put on my heart.  This does not seem like a bad thing on the surface.  After all I am helping others most of the time.  However, it leads me to neglect.  I think also how many hours I have traded for mindless distraction and pursuit of things that do not bring my Lord honor.  Again some of them very worthy sounding on the surface, but none the less traded away. 

God Calls us to buy back (redeem) our time.  An action I can think of is redeeming a mail in rebate.  The form that the rebate has very little value until we get the the things together needed for the rebate (receipts, upc codes), fill out the form, and mail it in.  It also has an expiration at which the rebate becomes worthless if not acted on.  In the same way our time only has value when we get our things together and act according to what is needed.  If we don't act then time has very little value in and of itself.  Time also expires and becomes worthless when it is not acted on. 

God tells us to do this because the days are evil.  This seems confusing until you realize that the default is evil because time wasted is time lost.  Evil in the sense that they are decaying away and will never be again.  Evil in the sense that we are closer to meeting our maker.  Evil in the sense that we can no longer use a day gone by to do something that God has called us to.  Evil in the sense that our days can naturally be filled with hurtful, wasteful, unwholesome, hardship, difficult, and painful things.  It is only by redeeming time that we can turn these evils into something good.  God uses us to redeem time. 

This continues with two don'ts and two do's:
Don't be foolish
Don't get drunk
Do understand God's will
Do be filled with the Spirit

So how are you doing in redeeming the time? 

I think I need to work more effectively in this area.  Will you pray with me that God would lead us to redeem the time?

God Bless You!

Sexual Intimacy According to the Bible III

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As time goes on sexual intimacy continues to be an very important part of marriage.  In this post we will look at what the Bible says about a maturing sexual intimacy between husband and wife. 

In Song of Songs 6:2 the couple is continuing in their passionate love making (going down the garden).  They are continuing in passionate kissing (feeds among the lilies).  As relationships mature it is wise to make sure that sexual intimacy continues to be a part of that relationship.  There can be times of ebb and flow in the relationship, and unfortunately the husband and wife may not always be in sync of who is ebbing and who is flowing.  However, if you continue to practice 1 Corinthians 7:3-4 then you will be more interested in the wellbeing of the other rather than whether you "feel like" being sexually intimate.  In any case our couple in the Song of Songs has continued to be sexually active. 

I am my love's and my love is mine; he feeds among the lilies.
Song of Songs 6:3 (HCSB)

I wear the ring to the right.  On one side it says "My beloved is mine" and on the other it says "I am my beloveds."  It is a sort of summary of 1 Cor 7:3-4 as well as wedding vows in brief.  Notice that this statement of commitment and mutual belongingness is sealed with a kiss ("feeds among the lilies" See previous posts).  I get the sense that God is telling us that kissing is an important aspect of sexual intimacy. 

The husband has continued to note the ways that he is attracted to his wife.  Some of the language is the same, but there are some new elements as well.  He complements her eyes and her hair saying her eyes captivate him (Song 6:5).  He talks about her teeth (Song 6:6).  He again mentions pomegranates as mentioned before indicating that he was excited sexually.  He talks about her loveliness and beauty comparing to an awe inspiring army of Banners (Song 6:4).  He compares her to 60 queens, 80 concubines, and young women without number and concludes:

But my dove, my virtuous one, is unique; she is the favorite of her mother, perfect to the one who gave her birth. Women see her and declare her fortunate; queens and concubines also, and they sing her praises:
Song of Songs 6:9 (HCSB)

She is unique and favored in the eyes of her husband.  That is a powerful statement.  To be unique and favored is powerful emotional intensity to a woman.  His love for her is seen by other women and they say she is fortunate.  Think about that for a moment.  I believe that the reason they say she is fortunate is because the husbands declaration of her beauty, love, devotion that they have for each other is standard for him.  A Godly man who has eyes only for his wife is a beautiful thing.  It is a blessing to his wife and it forges sexual intimacy.  Notice also in this section the husband points to his wife's inner beauty as well by calling her virtuous and pure.  As you grow in your love together you become aware of the beauty of the person as a whole not simply in the physical attraction.  Sexuality of the world is Lustful, degrading, licentious, and nasty.  Sexuality according to God's plan is lovely, devoted, virtuous, and pure.  We should strive for the latter in our marriage. 

One thing that is striking at this point is that the husband never stops telling her how beautiful she is.  His expressions started in the courtship, expanded on the marriage night, and continues into the maturing love. 

Who is this who shines like the dawn- as beautiful as the moon, bright as the sun, awe-inspiring as an army with banners?
Song of Songs 6:10 (HCSB)

But soft! What light through yonder window breaks?
It is the East, and Juliet is the sun!
Arise, fair sun, and kill the envious moon,
who is already sick and pale with grief
That thou her maid art far more fair than she.
-Romeo and Juliet William Shakespeare

Romantic language is powerful to capture the heart of a loved one.  We would do well to take some time to pay attention to this.  If you struggle with this then consider reading romantic quotes and finding one that you can put into your own words.

We again see the husband praising the beauty of his wife.  Guys are you seeing a pattern here?  

In this verse he comments on her feet  and thighs (Song 7:1).  He is talking about her curves.  The curves of her thighs in particular.  Now talking about a woman's thighs seems like dangerous territory in our modern culture.  We are obsessed with thinness.  It is a cultural sickness that makes women feel inadequate for being... ... well women.  God intended for women to have curves and curves are beautiful.  The husband in this case in is stating as much.  Whose handiwork is her curves?  The Master.  Who is the master that designed his wife?  God.  You see God made a beautiful woman for each husband.  We need to appreciate the beauty of her.  She is a precious creation that is better than fine Jewelry.  And her curves should be satisfying to you!  In addition by appreciating your spouse as a gift from the Master you avoid turning them into a sexual object (idol). 

He continues moving up to her belly (Song 7:2).  He describes her navel as a drinking bowl that is never empty.  He is continually satisfied with her navel.  He says that her belly (waist) is like a mound of wheat.  There at least three interpretations that could be made here.  The husband is talking about the color of her belly, she is pregnant, or he is continuing to describe her curves (my interpretation).  Again describing her belly may seem like dangerous territory.  However her husband is describing how beautiful it is regardless if it is color, with child, or shape it is beautiful to him!  He also is imagining kissing her body (surrounded by lilies).

As before he talks about her breasts (Song 7:3).  He talks again in this section about how he plans to caress her body and hold her breasts (Song 7:7-8).  He is talking to her an a romantic language and not degrading manner.  Her breast are fruit and sustenance to their sexual intimacy.  Not object of his personal gratification. 

There is an interesting sequence of comparisons that on the surface seem a bit humorous if the try to imagine them.  He neck is a tower of ivory, her eyes like pools Heshbon, and her nose like the tower of Lebanon (Song 7:4).  The neck of ivory is a symbol of noble purity.  The term "ivory tower" has taken a negative connotation in modern times with the rejection of nobility.  In this case she is not stuck up and above others, but has an air of nobility and white is purity.   The pools of Heshbon are deep series of pools that are supplied by underground springs.  They are still since do not have flowing water.  Stillness and calmness are in her eyes.  The tower of Lebanon is a "watchtower."  We do not know what this particular tower looked like so it is not clear if her nose looked like this.  It is more likely though he is praising her watchfulness.  It seems to fit with context Damascus was hostile to Solomon reign (1 Kings 11:23-25).   It says in Song 7:4 that the Tower of Lebanon looks over Damascus.  If this is the case then he is praising her ability to smell (see) danger (mixing metaphors).  Once again as love matures the appreciation of personal characteristics become a part of the attractiveness of your spouse. 

The husband is caught up in looking at the beauty of her hair and her complete loveliness (Song 7:5-6).  He says that her hair is captivating to him.  He can't stop looking at her.  Sad when men stop looking at their wives.  If they stop looking then we can't be captivated.  All to often a man is moving away and it his wife that is chasing him for intimacy.  Look at her.  Love her.  Cherish her.  This will build up your sexual intimacy in your marriage. 

At this point the wife takes over the dialogue. 

It seems they are kissing (Song 7:9).  She is aware and acknowledges her husband's desire for her (Song 7:10).  She then again invites him to the Garden (love making) with all of it's pleasures, passions, sexual excitement, and mutual belongingness (Song 7:11-13).  She talks about mandrakes.  Mandrakes were seen as a fertility drug so it seems she desires to become pregnant (See Gen 30:14-17).  She also says the doors are open to sexual intimacy both new and old that she is treasuring them up.  It seems she is expressing her openness to her husband, remembering old times of sexual closeness, and looking forward to new experiences as well.  Sex is a treasure and not an obligation or dread.  When a spouse begins to dread sex it is no longer intimacy.  It is a good indicator that something is missing in your marriage.  Intimacy has been lost.  Look to see what that is and address it so that you can return to your gardens of pleasure as God intended. 

My hope is that you have found this series on "Marriage Essentials" beneficial.  I pray for your marriage (all marriages) that they would find the original intent, beauty, love, devotion, respect, honor, and excitement that was present on your wedding day and is fitting with what God has intended. 

 

 

Sexual Intimacy According to the Bible II

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In the last post the emphasis was on how the husband was talking to his wife.  In this post we will look at how the wife talks about her husband to others.  One of the most striking things about this passage is that it elevates man's sexuality from the ash heap and cultural stereotypes that have been sold, bought, and held up as a banner over the last 50 years.  Men are sexual no doubt, but whether we are aware of it or not we are every bit as complicated as women when it comes to sexuality and our sexuality is much greater than the act itself. 

What makes the one you love better than another, most beautiful of women? What makes him better than another, that you would give us this charge?
Song of Songs 5:9 (HCSB)

Two of the greatest gifts a wife can give her husband is to appreciate him (his strength, worthiness, adequacy, and masculinity) and be his friend. 

In the Song of Songs 5:10 the wife begins to tell others what makes her husband so special in her eyes.  She starts with saying he is "fit and strong."  Men generally struggle with a deep need to be perceived as strong.  Now the biological reality is that we cannot all be Arnold Swartzenerger.  So most men look to find their prowess in other realms.  Men long for this.  If they do not get it from their wives they will often seek it elsewhere.  This wife continues by saying she sees him as better than ten thousand men.  The word used here is dagal.  It is literally translated banner.  This is a military term used to describe the flag that represents the strength of the troop that it flies over.  Think about that statement, "My husbands honor, strength, protection, and worth is a banner over ten thousand."  That is powerful language.  You don't have to fake it either.  The reality is that your husband has a God given strength that is a banner over 10,000.  Celebrate that strength with him.

She moves on to complement his head of gold and wavy black hair (Song 5:11).  Gold is a symbol of purity.  Men we need to live lives that allow our wives to say that we have a pure head (mind).  If there is sexual brokenness then it must be addressed.  Women I am a firm believer in the restorative power of God's grace.  If your husband struggles with or has struggled with sexual brokenness he needs you to accept him as pure again (by the forgiveness in Christ).  His behavior has not been gold, but God has made him Gold by his grace and mercy.  Many men seem to love their hair or grieve the loss of it.  Some more than others.  It is nice to hear a complement from our wives that they like their husbands hair.  One thing men we should style our hair the way that our wives like it.

The wife talks about his eyes (Song 5:12).  Remember in the last post I talked about eyes being the window to the soul.  Catching each other in the eyes is an act of intimacy.  She continues to look at his face and notices that he smells good (Song 5:13).  That tells me two things.  One she is close enough to his face to smell it and two the husband has taken a bath and put on some cologne.  Both are necessary to have sexual intimacy.  She notices his lips and likely is thinking about kissing them (remember she is describing her husband here he is not actually there). 

She is again noting his strength describing his arms as rods of gold, and his body as a panel of ivory (Song 5:14).  Your husband's arms are there to embrace you passionately.  His strong embrace should be celebrated.  He may not have 6 pack abs, but surely there are physical/emotional/social qualities that you can find that are attractive to you.  

She then moves down to his legs and his physical presence (Song 5:15).  His legs are strong and stable like columns of marble.  It is interesting to note that of all the objects of architecture that seem to last through time columns seem to stand up.  I am not sure that this is what the writer of this meant, but strong legs seem to be a complement of stability and staying power.  Notice the place he is standing is one of purity and righteousness (Pedestals of pure gold).  She also complements his presence.  He is majestic as the choice cedars of Lebanon. 

She returns to his mouth and says that it is sweetness (Song 5:16).  This is likely a reference to what and how he talks to her (less likely his kisses).  Two things to note one he must be saying sweet things and two she is giving him credit.  Men may not admit it, but we like it when wives say, "Do you know how sweet my husband is..."  Most of the time that is not the direction of the conversation.  It more often male bashing.  We may laugh in the moment, but when a man is emasculated in front of others sexual intimacy suffers and that is not funny. 

She also says he is desirable.  Men long to be desired by their wives.  A whole industry is built around the false illusion that there is a woman that desires the man (pornography).  I don't say this to make you feel that you are in competition with the industry.  Rather you have an opportunity to give him what he longs for, a woman that desires him.  This is real and much more satisfying than the image.  What is more it is sanctioned by God as a good thing.  Having a wife that desires her husband is a real turn on to a man. 

She concludes with two very important statements about sexual intimacy with males (Song 5:16).  First she describes him as her lover.  She is saying that she is sexually available for her and he is sexually available for her.  It is destructive to a marriage to not be available to each other.  It is equally destructive to be available for the sex act, but not be available for sexual intimacy.  If you struggle with either of these problems it needs to be addressed.  You will strengthen your marriage bond in doing so.  Pretending like it will get better is foolish (because it usually does not).  Men who experience sexual intimacy with their wives do not go have affairs generally.  So it also protects your marriage. 

The last thing she says is that he is her friend.  There is a statement I heard once in a marriage seminar, "Men do not question if their wives love them, but they often question whether their wives really like them."  When I have shared this with men I get a strong affirmation that this is how they feel.  Women need to be heard, and men need to be liked.  By the way friendship in this way is different for men than for women.  So learn what it means to your husband to be a friend and become his best friend.  It will strengthen your sexual intimacy as a result. 

I hope that this post will elevate your husband's sexuality out of the gutter of "men are lustful visual creatures that need to engage in regular sex or they will stray" to God's ideal for masculine sexuality.  Men we need to aspire to confront the lies that are being told about our sexuality and that to a certain extent we have bought into and believed about ourselves.  It is time to tear down the banner lifted up by false view of male sexuality (created by a godless culture) and raise the banner that God has given us in his word.  We are more dignified than what the world says about us and it is time that we view our sexuality though God's eyes and act accordingly.

As always blessings to you!

Sexual Intimacy According to the Bible

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The Song of Songs is representative of health sexuality in marriage.  I will in the next posts share with some of the Bible teaches on sexual intimacy.  I have been reading an commentary by Mark E Washburn called "To Find and Enjoy the Love of Your Life."  In this book he helps to bring to light the symbolism as well as the cultural idiosyncrasies of the book.  I would recommend it. 

Song of Songs 4:1-5:1 represents a couples first night together.  In this we see a natural progression of the consummation of marriage vows.  Most of the verses focus on what the husband is saying to his new bride.  The interesting thing about this text is that it is graphic without being pornographic.  It is a beautiful expression of God Plan for sexual intimacy. 

How beautiful you are, my darling. How very beautiful! Behind your veil, your eyes are doves. Your hair is like a flock of goats streaming down Mount Gilead.
Song of Songs 4:1 (HCSB)

On this wedding night the bride maintains her modesty.  Behind the veil her husband takes time to notice her eyes.  There is something about connecting with the eyes.  There is an old English proverb "Eyes are windows to the soul."  Making that eye to eye contact communicates a level of intimacy and trust in the relationship. 

A Casual glimpse of your mate, husband, and failure to look into her eyes is a failure to appreciate what God wants you to see in her heart before and after marriage.
-To Find and Enjoy the Love of your Life

The husband goes on to notice the beauty of her hair.  Verbalizing how beautiful your wife is a part of intimacy. 

Your teeth are like a flock of newly shorn sheep coming up from washing, each one having a twin, and not one missing. Your lips are like a scarlet cord, and your mouth is lovely. Behind your veil, your brow is like a slice of pomegranate.
Song of Songs 4:2-3 (HCSB)

He moves on to her face.  Her teeth, lips, and mouth get his attention.  It seems that she is smiling after his initial complements.  He is drawn to her lips.  We might say your lips are kissable.  Pomegranate has a double meaning it seems.  First his wife has done her best to make her self up.  She has a very deep red make up on her face.  Pomegranate also is a symbol of sexuality.  It was revered as an aphrodisiac in ancient times.  So he is saying that her face is making him excited sexually. 

Side note:  Pomegranates have been found in recent studies to increase male and female libido as well as help with erectile dysfunction.  Those ancients knew what they were talking about.

Your neck is like the tower of David, constructed in layers. A thousand bucklers are hung on it- all of them shields of warriors.
Song of Songs 4:4 (HCSB)

Without understanding the context this verse would seem very odd indeed.  First he is not praising her long neck, which is what I though at first.  It appears that she must have a very fancy necklace on.   The reference to the  "tower of David" and "shields of warriors" is important.  The tower of David had shields of warriors hung on it symbolizing the commitment to protect and defend.  I believe that the husband was not only appreciating the fine jewelry, but also making a statement of protecting and defending their love together. 

Your breasts are like two fawns, twins of a gazelle, that feed among the lilies.
Song of Songs 4:5 (HCSB)

The husband moving down is admiring her breasts.  This is the first time that he has seen them.  In his previous description of her beauty her breasts are left out.  Gazelles are beautiful, sleek, and graceful creatures.  Twins are rare as gazelles usually give birth to only one.  The husband is saying that her breast are a rare beauty.  In Song of songs 5:3 we learn that the husband's lips are compared to lilies, and so it would appear here that he does more than notice the beauty of his wife's breasts, but he also kisses them. 

Before the day breaks and the shadows flee, I will make my way to the mountain of myrrh and the hill of frankincense.
Song of Songs 4:6 (HCSB)

I want to point out how slow this husband is moving toward the act of sex (until the early morning he will make love to her).  It is important to note that sexual intimacy has a slow moving flow.  We can have sexual intimacy on the quick but it is not nearly as satisfying as if we move slowly with our spouse.  Appreciate the mutual attraction for one another.  Allow love's passion to draw you in don't force raw desire. 

He continues to talk about her breasts.  He is smelling the perfume that she has been keeping between her breasts for this occasion (Songs 1:13).  This is a moment of intense passion. 

You are absolutely beautiful, my darling, with no imperfection in you.
Song of Songs 4:7 (HCSB)

The husband has noted 7 things about his wife that express her beauty.  Seven is the number of perfection.  He is expressing her perfect beauty.  It also is a number that represents God.  It could be that he is praising God for giving him a beautiful wife. 

Try it out.  See if you, husband, can name seven beautiful features that you see in your wife.  Obviously some of her features others will notice as well as yourself.  Then there will be some features that you may regard as beautiful others may not see or appreciate.
-To Find and Enjoy the Love of Your Life

You have captured my heart, my sister, my bride. You have captured my heart with one glance of your eyes, with one jewel of your necklace. How delightful your love is, my sister, my bride. Your love is much better than wine, and the fragrance of your perfume than any balsam.
Song of Songs 4:9-10 (HCSB)

The husband is head over heals in love with her.  There is an unfortunate belief in male culture that some how it is unmanly to allow a woman to capture your heart.  There are expression of "whipped man" comes to mind.  It seems that it is more important to maintain a sense of respectable independence than to please the woman he loves.  To be sure such a man has not allowed his wife to capture his heart.  True sexual intimacy will be hard to come by if this does not occur.  He goes on to say that the love of his wife is better than any earthly pleasure.  He is devoted to her love.  Side note:  The expression "my sister" might weird us out in our modern culture.  However it is an expression of a deep close protective relationship.  Not that he sees her as his biological sister. 

Your lips drip sweetness like the honeycomb, my bride. Honey and milk are under your tongue. The fragrance of your garments is like the fragrance of Lebanon.
Song of Songs 4:11 (HCSB)

Things are moving along.  After sharing more about his love for her he begins to passionately kiss her on the lips.  This is no mere peck.  This is sweetness, honey and milk deep passionate kissing (note the tongue is involved here).  He continues to be intoxicated by the smell of her.

My sister, my bride, you are a locked garden- a locked garden and a sealed spring.
Song of Songs 4:12 (HCSB)

The passion of the moment draws them ever closer to the moment of marital bliss.  Notice that she is locked up.  This is an expression of virginity.  This is their wedding night after all.  He goes on to describe her garden in Songs 4:13-15.  There is the pomegranates again. Except now it is not a mere slice, but tree containing "a paradise of Pomegranates."  Needless to say the husband is quite overcome with sexual desire toward his wife. 

Fountains and Springs are occasionally used in the Bible to express sexual intimacy between a husband and wife.  This is a shared fountain and spring.  It is to be exclusive.  Proverbs 5:15-20 admonishes that sexuality be expressed exclusively between a husband and wife using this imagery. 

Awaken, north wind- come, south wind. Blow on my garden, and spread the fragrance of its spices. Let my love come to his garden and eat its choicest fruits.
Song of Songs 4:16 (HCSB)

And with that the husband is invited to enjoy his wife.  Note a couple of things.  The act of sex after a long period of foreplay is initiated by the invitation of the wife.  The husband has not forced himself upon her.  What is more is the wife says "his garden."  We would do well to recognize that sexual intimacy is carried in the basket of mutual respect and mutual belongingness.  That is to say one does not ever do anything that is violation of the other (they are invited) and each recognizes that his/her body is not their own (1 Cor 7:3-4). 

I have come to my garden-my sister, my bride. I gather my myrrh with my spices. I eat my honeycomb with my honey. I drink my wine with my milk.

Eat, friends! Drink, be intoxicated with love!
Song of Songs 5:1 (HCSB)

The husband and wife enjoy their sexuality with each other.  Sexual intimacy has been achieved.  Notice that the husband expresses is deep satisfaction with what has just happened.   It has been fulfilling experience for him (and for her I suspect). 

This last phrase is seen by commentators as the voice of God.  He is expressing His blessing on the sexual intimacy that has just occurred.  May you be intoxicated with love for your spouse.  If you are not married then may you remain as a locked Garden or a sealed fountain until you can share that special intimacy with your spouse some day.  God bless you all.

In the Midst of Dark Times

Image by Kurt W. via Flickr

There are times in life that one comes to the edge of what they can know, feel, believe, and understand.  It is a bit like standing on the edge of an abyss.  There is not much peace in that place.  Doubts creep in.  You begin to question everything.  At times you question why you are here.  That is relatively mild compared to the more difficult questioning of your beliefs, your sanity, whether you have been deluded to believe that God exists.  If you have not been in this place then consider yourself lucky.  It is a lonely place.  A painful place.  It is a dark place. 

I presume that Paul was there on at least one occasion.  I base that on his remark:

If we have put our hope in Christ for this life only, we should be pitied more than anyone.
1 Corinthians 15:19 (HCSB)

Most people who have not traveled to the Abyss will quote Pascal's Wager or some version of it.  The gist of Pascal's Wager is that God cannot be found based on reason only by faith .  Therefore it makes sense to believe as if he existed for one has nothing to lose (if God does not exist) and everything to gain (if God does exist).  Pascal's wager stand's in direct contrast with Paul on this point.  The fact is if we trust in Christ for this life only then we should be more pitied than anyone.  Those that would espouse such an argument trade faith for wishful thinking which leads unbelievers to mock Christianity. 

Coming to the edge of the Abyss forces us to the point of questioning and eventual rejecting of things we are unable to reason (knowledge of good and evil becomes our God) or we reach out and find a loving Shepherd longing to love us and guide us (by faith affirming Christ as our Lord).  In one sense the Abyss separates the sheep from the goats (Matthew 25:32, Matthew 13:49).  A goat (one looking like, but lacking authentic Christian faith) will travel to Abyss and upon seeing his dilemma throw his religion into the abyss and walk away believing (faith in reason not in God) he has done something enlightening.  A sheep (on having authentic Christian faith) will come to the Abyss experience the pain, fear, doubt in all its fullness.  Then quietly wait in that place for his Shepherd to come find him and lead him out of that place. 

The 23rd Psalm

The Lord is my shepherd; there is nothing I lack. He lets me lie down in green pastures; He leads me beside quiet waters. He renews my life; He leads me along the right paths for His name's sake. Even when I go through the darkest valley, I fear no danger, for You are with me; Your rod and Your staff-they comfort me. You prepare a table before me in the presence of my enemies; You anoint my head with oil; my cup overflows. Only goodness and faithful love will pursue me all the days of my life, and I will dwell in the house of the Lord as long as I live.
Psalms 23:1-6 (HCSB)

These words are foolish to the world.  They are useless to goats.  But to sheep these words are balm to the soul.  These words are comfort in times of pain.  These words are light in the midst of darkness.  These words are assurance in the feeling of loneliness. 

"The Lord is my shepherd."  We choose him when we come to him in faith.  He does reveal Himself to us, but we have a choice to accept or reject Him as our shepherd. 

"There is nothing I lack."  This seems a strange statement when one is standing next to the abyss.  In fact this whole series of pictures is strange next to the Abyss.  There are images of  "green pastures," "quiet waters," "renewed life," "right paths" and standing next to the Abyss you might say, "Perhaps The Good Shepherd has forgotten me.  I seem to have taken a wrong turn somewhere and do not see green pastures, quiet waters, renewed life, nor right paths.  In fact I lack very much.  God where are in the midst of this dark time?"  I believe that David (The one writing the Psalm) is reflecting back on in the past what God has done in his life in Psalm 23:1-3.  Looking back beyond the darkness of his present situation he recalls God's faithful provision of green pastures, quiet waters, renewed life, and right paths.  And now at this moment that reflection is something that can reaffirm your faith. 

"Even when I go through the darkest valley..."  Some translation say, "Valley of death."  When one travels to the deep abyss one can scarcely imagine walking through it.  It is terrifying enough to stand at the edge and look into it.  Yet even when we are near this abyss or traveling through it we can be assured of this:  the Shepherd is with us and desires to comfort us.  With the shepherd nearby we have nothing to fear.  David is describing his current situation in Psalm 23:4.  Looking at the darkness we see only pain and suffering.  Looking at our Savior we have nothing to fear even in the midst of grave danger.  With our eyes fixed on the Shepherd we have nothing to fear of doubts and suffering.  We have nothing to fear at the end of our reasonableness.  We have nothing to fear of our sanity.  We had nothing to fear for our Shepherd is in this place.  He guides us.  If we get to far to the right or the left with a gentle tap from His rod He will get us back on track as we travel this dark time in our lives.  What a comfort His rod and staff are when we have reached the end of ourselves and what we can do on our own.  Traveling to and through the Abyss can be a gut wrenching experience of this there is no doubt.  However, we will have the guidance and presence of God even when all we see is the darkness. 

"You prepare..."  In Psalm 23:5 David again shifts his focus from the present moment (in the dark valley) to the future.  Even our enemies cannot overcome what the Lord has prepared for us.  There is leanness right now in this valley, but then will be a banquet table, anointing oil, and plenty to quench our thirst.  There is abundance in our future when we walk through this with our Lord.  He has prepared it for you.  The image of anointing with oil is a symbol of God's selection of you.  God has chosen you.  He has anointed you for His purpose.  You are especially His!  Some day His anointing, blessing, provision will overflow to you.  His provision waits on the other side for you!

God's "goodness and faithful love" will "pursue" you the days of your life.  Walking to the abyss, walking through the abyss, God's unfailing goodness and love pursue you.  That is quite a statement.  That is boldness that is beyond being reasonable.   The world and the goats will say, "Show me the proof and then perhaps I will walk through that valley with you, but you are foolish to think that such a place reveals God's goodness or love.  Quite the contrary if God was loving and good the valley would not exist."  That is what they will say.  They will not understand.  They cannot understand walking through the valley because they do not have the Shepherd. 

"I will dwell in the house of the Lord as long as I live."  Notice the trip to the abyss did not destroy the faith, but made it stronger (Psalm 23:6).  Note the resolve that this trip produced.  I will dwell...as long as I live.  These are powerful words from a person who has been to and through the Abyss.  There is no room to pretend that God exists and if he does then He will reward you and if he does not then you have lived a good life.  This is utter foolishness. Either you do or you do not choose to dwell in the House of the Lord.  There is not phantom faith.  It either is true faith or it is not faith at all.  The wondrous thing is that once we have made the resolution to trust the Shepherd our weakness will be His strength and He will take care of us no matter how dark it might be. 

Blessings to you!

Relaxation

Image by HewGriff via Flickr

One of the most beneficial gifts that you can give yourself in a stress filled world is the ability to relax.  You might be saying to yourself, but I do relax.  Let me say that relaxation is not an event it is a skill.  Anyone can relax under the right circumstances, but to relax when the pressure is on well that is something else.  There are many ways to learn relaxation. The key to relaxation is regular and consistent practice

Progressive Muscle relaxation

This technique involves the systematic tensing and relax of all the muscle groups of your body.  By using this exercise you learn the difference between tension and relaxation and achieve a state of relaxation in the process.  Here are some links to help you out:
Written Instructions
Anxiety Disorders Association of British Columbia 
Written Instruction For Kids
Koeppen, A.S. (1974). Relaxation training for children. Elementary School Guidance and Counseling, 9, 14-21.
Male Voice
Georgia Southern University
Female Voice MP3
Carleton College
My Voice Recording MP3

Breathing Exercises

We do not often pay attention to our breathing until there is something that is restricting it.  Then we become immediately aware of how important breathing is.  One thing that happens with this lack of awareness of our breathing is that we can develop bad breathing habits.  For example fast and shallow breathing tends to increase feelings of anxiety.  While slow deep breathing increases feelings of calm.  The relaxation through breathing's goal is to make you more aware of this and relax through slow rhythmic breathing.  Here are some links to help you out:
Written Instructions 
Anxiety Disorders Association of British Columbia
Female Voice MP3
Male Voice MP3
UC Santa Cruz

Counting Exercises

Counting can be a great way to get your mind off of a stressful situations and occupy it with something that helps you to relax.  There are many counting methods.  My preferred method is to count up to 20 slowly 1,2,3,4,5,6,7,8,9,10,11,12,13,14,15,16,17,18,19,20.  And then count backwards to 1 slowly 20,19,18,17,16,15,14,13,12,11,10,9,8,7,6,5,4,3,2,1.  Repeat this pattern for 3-5 minutes.  If you notice that your mind wanders that is OK.  Every person that I have tried this with reports mind wander.  When you become aware that your mind is wandering gently bring it back to the counting exercise.  Other counting Ideas are counting your breaths, counting your steps, count the clock ticking, counting backwards from 100, counting down for relaxation starting with 10 waiting until you feel a deeper relaxation before going to the next number. 

Imagery

Image by Mastery of Maps via Flickr

The use of imagery is an effective way to relax.  It is like a mental vacation where you travel to a very relaxing place using your mind.  When I use this technique I like to go two West Maui at sunset.  Here are some links to help you with this exercise:
Beach
River
University of Illinois
Forest Stream
Kansas State University
Beach
Forest
Georgia Southern University

Meditation

Mindfulness

I have written a number of posts on Christian Mindfulness which I encourage you to read.  Mindfulness is slowing down to become aware of the world around you.  The phrase "Take time to stop and smell the roses" is an example of mindfulness meditation.  Here are some links:
Christian Mindfulness
Awareness of Surroundings
Mindful Looking
Mindful Listening

Scripture Meditation

I believe that the Bible has words of life.  That is to say that the Bible is life giving and life sustaining.  Developing a habit of regular meditation on the Bible is good for Spiritual Health as well as for Physical health.  Focused meditation on the Bible's instruction for your need will develop a state of peace and relaxation.  Links:
How to meditate on the Bible
Online Bible Topic Index

Relaxation is a skill that will take much practice to become good at it!  I would recommend that you spend 1-2 times a day practicing one or more of these methods for about three weeks.  After that you can practice 3-5 times a week or when you are feeling particularly stressed, anxious, upset, angry, or irritable. 
If you have any questions about this please feel free to write them in the comment section below.