How the World Loves

 

John 15:17–19 CSB

“This is what I command you: Love one another. “If the world hates you, understand that it hated me before it hated you. If you were of the world, the world would love you as its own. However, because you are not of the world, but I have chosen you out of it, the world hates you.

It is interesting to think about how the world loves. In this passage it says that the world loves it’s own. This makes a lot of sense when you think about it. There is a natural tendency to have affection for the people who are the most like you. I would also note that people tend to show grace and compassion to those that are the most similar to themselves. On the other hand those in the world people tend to hate those that are dissimilar from themselves. This seems to be a universal attribute of relationships.

Matthew 5:43–48 CSB

“You have heard that it was said, Love your neighbor and hate your enemy. But I tell you, love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you, so that you may be children of your Father in heaven. For he causes his sun to rise on the evil and the good, and sends rain on the righteous and the unrighteous. For if you love those who love you, what reward will you have? Don’t even the tax collectors do the same? And if you greet only your brothers and sisters, what are you doing out of the ordinary? Don’t even the Gentiles do the same? Be perfect, therefore, as your heavenly Father is perfect.

Note that Jesus teaches us that the tendency to “love those who love us” “greet only your brothers and sisters” that we are only doing what the ordinary people do. This is not anything special.

It is also interesting that Jesus uses the word agape (love) when referring to how Christians are to love and Phileo (love) when referring to how the world loves it’s own (see John 15:17-19). Phileo describes an affection that exists in families and close-knit social groups. So the world is capable of loving its own especially when its own are quite similar to itself. However, this is not the type of love Christians are called to. As I have been saying ours is a higher calling.

In short when we love only our own who are most like ourselves we are loving in the same way as the world loves. On the other hand when we love sacrificially then we love in the way that Christ loves. As Christians we ought to aspire to love as Christ has loved.

God Bless You

~BJ Olson

 

Nobody likes to be around a grump

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Sometimes stating the obvious is the only way to go.  Times we try to make life and relationships much more complicated than they need to be.  If you are having a hard time relating to someone and you care to make a change why not start with your own attitude toward that person.  It seems that we can always make room to be civil to the annoying telemarketer when the phone rings, but with the people that we care about they get the raw ugliness of our spirit.  Sometimes just making a simple attitude adjustment is all the world. 

Love is patient, love is kind. Love does not envy, is not boastful, is not conceited, does not act improperly, is not selfish, is not provoked, and does not keep a record of wrongs.
1 Corinthians 13:4-5 (HCSB)

Hmmm.  A little kindness will go a long way.

A gentle answer turns away anger, but a harsh word stirs up wrath.
Proverbs 15:1 (HCSB)

You see it does no good to let your irritations hang out.  Being a grump and pointing out someone's faults (or even thinking about their faults) is about as likely to make them want to be around you as to be around a skunk.  Your attitude stinks. 

"But they started it."  Come on now did you learn to get over that in the sand box days.  Probably not.  I know that if I do not remind myself I easily fall  into this kind of thinking. 

So give it a try.  Love, patience, kindness, and gentleness will go a long way toward making things better. 

God Bless You

~BJ

When Friends Fall

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Then He said to them, "My soul is swallowed up in sorrow-to the point of death. Remain here and stay awake with Me." Going a little farther, He fell facedown and prayed, "My Father! If it is possible, let this cup pass from Me. Yet not as I will, but as You will." Then He came to the disciples and found them sleeping. He asked Peter, "So, couldn't you stay awake with Me one hour?"
Matthew 26:38-40 (HCSB)

There were three disciples that were extremely close with our savior.  Jesus had invited them along a very intimate moments in his ministry.  There was the time that Jesus raised the daughter of Jarius (Leader of the Synagogue in Capernaum).  That time Peter, James, John, and the parents were the only ones that Jesus allowed into to witness (Mark 5:22-23; 35-43).  Another time He took these same three disciples to the top of high mountain to pray.  While they were there they witness the transfiguration of Christ (Luke 9:28-36). 

On the eve of His crucifixion after the last meal with his disciples Jesus led them to the Garden of Gethsemane.  He asked his disciples to sit and wait for Him as he prayed.  However he invited these three Peter, James, and John to go a little further with Him.  He expressed his great distress "My soul is swallowed up in sorrow -to the point of death."  Then He asks them to do something, "Remain here and stay awake with me." 

These three who Jesus had shared some of the most intimate moments of His earthly life with were there with Him in the moment of greatest agony.  It seems like a simple request, "stay awake with me."

There are moments that we would like our friends to stay awake with us.  Those moments of great distress when it is all we can do to offer up a prayer.  And we might even reach out to them and say stay with me. 

What did they do?  They fell asleep.

Then He came to the disciples and found them sleeping. He asked Peter, "So, couldn't you stay awake with Me one hour? Stay awake and pray, so that you won't enter into temptation. The spirit is willing, but the flesh is weak.'
Matthew 26:40-41 (HCSB)

So a second time Jesus asks them again to stay awake.  He also tells them to pray so that temptation would not overtake them.  He explains that they have a weak flesh.  And of course they did what he said right?  No, they fell asleep.

And He came again and found them sleeping, because they could not keep their eyes open.
Matthew 26:43 (HCSB)

There will be times in your life when those that are closest to you are asleep in your deepest hour of need.  They may not be physically asleep, but perhaps they will be spiritually or emotionally asleep.  The point is they will not be there for you.  Those that are closest may not be there when you need them.  What is more it is even possible that our friends could deny us in our deepest need (Matthew 26:34-35 and Matthew 26:74-75). 

At this moment we have a choice.  Do respond in kind?  Do we put up walls to keep from getting hurt?  Do we push them away? WWJD?

John 21:15-19 records Jesus' restoration of Peter after His resurrection.  Jesus forgave Peter his shortcomings and restored him for the greater purpose and ultimately our greater good.  Restoring a friend that has not been there for you or even denied you is a very difficult thing.  But it is what Jesus has modeled for us.  Some might object by saying, "But Jesus is God and I am not that forgiving."  Consider these verses:

Do not repay anyone evil for evil. Try to do what is honorable in everyone's eyes. If possible, on your part, live at peace with everyone. Friends, do not avenge yourselves; instead, leave room for His wrath. For it is written: Vengeance belongs to Me; I will repay, says the Lord. But If your enemy is hungry, feed him. If he is thirsty, give him something to drink. For in so doing you will be heaping fiery coals on his head. Do not be conquered by evil, but conquer evil with good.
Romans 12:17-21 (HCSB)

or even:

Brothers, if someone is caught in any wrongdoing, you who are spiritual should restore such a person with a gentle spirit, watching out for yourselves so you also won't be tempted.
Galatians 6:1 (HCSB)

or even:

For if you forgive people their wrongdoing, your heavenly Father will forgive you as well. But if you don't forgive people, your Father will not forgive your wrongdoing.
Matthew 6:14-15 (HCSB)

It is clear to me that even when we are hurt by others that God desires for us to forgive and restore.  I know that is not easy.  But if a person repentant like Peter (and unlike Judas), then we are to restore such a person.  In doing this we honor God and we gain a friend. 

Blessings to you all.

Missing the Mark (Friendship Defined)

Sometimes I think we have this whole friendship thing backwards.  Is a friends someone who supports you?  Are they a person that comforts you in a time of need?  When your back is against the wall do they stand with you?  Apparently not! 

Jesus, in the last instructions before going out the the garden of Gethsemane, called the disciples friends (John 15:15).  These are the same 11 men (Judas had already left) that would in a matter of hours abandon and deny Jesus.  They did not support Him, comfort Him, nor stand with Him.  And yet Jesus called them friends.  How could that be? 

First Jesus was able to see beyond the night into their possibilities.  So often we look to people as they are or that we anticipate how the will be over the short term to define our friendship.  Jesus looked beyond this to their potential.  All too often we look to see what can be offered in this relationship or what we feel we deserve from this relationship as a measure of friend.  It is a great thing to have a friend who does not see you as you are, but as you could be.  This is powerful, but notice something.  Friendship is defined by what you do and not what the other does for you.  In essence you choose your friends by see their inner potential. 

Second Jesus was about to make the greatest sacrifice one can make for another person.   He said that laying down one's life was the greatest act of love that one can express (John 15:13).  In this respect Jesus was defining friendship again by what He was doing rather than who his disciples were.  We again often look to see what can be given rather than what can be given up.  Acts of love, service, and sacrifice are given to friends.  If you do not do these then that person is not a friend.  Notice:

You are My friends if you do what I command you.
John 15:14 (HCSB)

Jesus is plainly saying that friendship is based on our actions toward the other.  In this case obedience to His commands.  This makes me think of:

Love the Lord your God with all your heart, with all your soul, and with all your mind. This is the greatest and most important command. The second is like it: Love your neighbor as yourself. All the Law and the Prophets depend on these two commands.
Matthew 22:37-40 (HCSB)

Also of:

You have heard that it was said, Love your neighbor and hate your enemy. But I tell you, love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you, so that you may be sons of your Father in heaven. For He causes His sun to rise on the evil and the good, and sends rain on the righteous and the unrighteous. For if you love those who love you, what reward will you have? Don't even the tax collectors do the same? And if you greet only your brothers, what are you doing out of the ordinary? Don't even the Gentiles do the same? Be perfect, therefore, as your heavenly Father is perfect.
Matthew 5:43-48 (HCSB)

Jesus has called us to a different idea of friendship than the world has to offer.  His calling is one of service and sacrifice.  Demanding our own is not part of the equation.  Our friends may hurt us, abandon us in our time of need, but we can continue to be their friend in spite of their short comings.  Don't get me wrong, Jesus plainly sets boundaries with people who are not good for us to have fellowship with.  Often this is when they would lead us into either legalism or licentiousness (both being forms of disobedience to God by the way).  However, I do not see Jesus defining friendship in terms of what they can offer us, but rather in terms of what we can offer them. 

You see friendship is yours to define by how you serve others.  Jesus is our ultimate friend based on His sacrifice.   We become His friend when we act in the same way loving God and loving others.  Man I have some work to do!

Blessings to you.

Friends of Christ

Image by Loci Lenar via Flickr

Speaking of meaningful conversation...

Jesus had many meaningful conversations, but none so dear as the ones that he had with those who were his friends.  Jesus called his closest disciples friends, I will discuss the 12 and the three beloved later.  He also has a group that were not disciples per sey, but experienced friendship with Christ. 

Lazarus, Mary, and Martha

He said this, and then He told them, "Our friend Lazarus has fallen asleep, but I'm on My way to wake him up."
John 11:11 (HCSB)

Jesus had a deep care and concern for this family in that lived in Bethany.  Lazarus, Mary, and Martha were siblings.  It is inferred that Martha was the oldest and Lazarus was the youngest.  This family seems to be well off, based on the type of funeral/burial of Lazarus and on them owning very expensive items (See John 11 & John 12:3; 5).  Lazarus is only mentioned in John related to Christ raising him from the dead.  Jesus called Lazarus friend (John 11:11), loved him and his sisters (John 11:1; 5), was willing to risk his life for them (John 11:8), wept at his death (John 11:35-36), became angry that he had died (John 11:33; 38), and raised him from the dead (John 11:43-44).  Martha and Mary are also mentioned in (Luke 10:38-41).  Based on this it would seem that Jesus stopped in to see them whenever he traveled to Jerusalem.  He was quite at home with them and they would care for him while he was there with them.  

How does this apply to us?  We have confidence enough in our friends to trust we would be able lodge with them whenever we pass their way.   That seems to be a higher level of confidence in my mind.  So what is the quality of that type of relationship.  Well Jesus loved them.  Do we have a fond affection for this type of friend?  Jesus also loved them with His whole being so as to be moved to act in their best interests.  Do we act in the best interests of our friends?  Jesus loved them with tenderness.  Do we act with tenderness and compassion?  Jesus laid his life on the line for them (and more generally for us).  Do we sacrifice for our friends?  He shared deep spiritual truths (oh to be at the feet of our Savior and listen to what he had to say; See Luke 10:39).  We do not frankly and more often than not avoid spiritual discussions at all with our friends.

As I learn more about the relationships that Christ I am struck by how much of His life was about serving others.  Often we look at relationships as what benefit we can get out of them.  Jesus on the other hand (as if he needed anything) set that completely opposite.  His approach was what are their needs and how can I meet that need.  Tenderness, compassion, sacrifice, love, trust, and shared spiritual times are the mark of friendship according to an examination of Christ's life.  How are you doing in the friendship department? 

Circles of Confidence part II

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Friends of Christ

No one has greater love than this, that someone would lay down his life for his friends.
John 15:13 (HCSB)

Before we look at some of the friends of Christ I want to examine his teaching on friendship.  At the heart of friendship is a love that is sacrificial.  Without sacrificial love there can be no greater confidence and intimacy has reached its limit.  There are people who can live this way.  They have enough confidence in humanity to accomplish particular tasks (eg fellow workers), but they never go beyond.  Their circle of confidence never allows for others to come near them.  In doing this they protect themselves from being hurt.  However they tend to live lives of isolation and loneliness. 

You are My friends if you do what I command you.
John 15:14 (HCSB)

This verse can have double application I believe.  Jesus' is clearly saying when we love with a sacrificial love then we are His friends.  I think by implication when we do not love this way then we are not acting like friends of Jesus.  The other application I believe is that a friend will fulfill the request of another friend.  Don't get me wrong we must hold Jesus in higher regard than other friends, but if a friend asks you to do something and you do not do it then how is it that person is your friend.  In this way it seems to me that most friendships are killed by neglect and not by angry actions. When what we do does not match up with what we say or believe then we lack integrity.  This lack of integrity is destructive to relationships.  For example, If I say I believe in the Grace and Forgiveness of God, but I do not treat others graciously or in a forgiving manner then I lack integrity and people will question and/or reject my friendship and I am rejected by God (See Matthew 18:32-35). 

...I have called you friends, because I have made known to you everything I have heard from My Father.
John 15:15 (HCSB)

A friend is a person that shares important parts of what they know.  Openness is a good measure of friendships.  When a person starts to withhold information from another then friendships wither.  A lack of openness usually is a good measure of a lack of confidence.  This lack of confidence can be in certain areas of the relationship.  For example I may have high confidence that a friend will help me with a job around the house, but low confidence that they could help me with a emotional problem.  That is OK.  We will see that Jesus had fewer people that He put higher confidence in than those who were simply His friends.  So varying degrees of confidence is not a bad thing in itself. 

In this Jesus is making known to his friends what He is hearing from our Heavenly Father.  We to can make intimate things know about our relationship with God as well as intimate part of our lives.  As our confidence grows then so does our ability to be intimate in our relationships.  Jesus did not do this with everyone though.  In the same manner we need to discern who is a friend and who is not. 

You did not choose Me, but I chose you...
John 15:16 (HCSB)

Here we can again see a double meaning in this passage.  Jesus is saying that he chose His friends to be the continuation of His ministry here on earth.  His friends were going to establish the Church and tell others about the Good News of Salvation through Christ.  It also says that Jesus chose His friends.  In the same manner we to should choose our friends.  All to often people let others to choose them as friends.  Sometimes they are lucky and other times not so.  Keeping your eyes open and paying attention to how people talk about other, how they treat others, and to a certain extent trusting your convictions is a good way to discern who would be a good friend. 

In short then Jesus teaches that friendship involves sacrificial love, willingness to do things that a friend asks, openness, and a choice (discernment) of friends.  God willing I will look at the people that were friends of Christ.  God Bless You.

St Valentine's Day

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There is coming up a holiday in which we celebrate love.  There are many theories as to the origin of this holiday.  One theory is the Roman religion celebrating Lupercalia (Celebrated February 13-15), which was Christianized by announcing the celebration of the martyrdom of St Valentine of Rome.  Legends are recorded within the Christian faith with the earliest documented mention of the story appearing around 1260 in Golden Legend and again in 1493 in the Nuremberg Chronicle.  There also have been a discovery of a Roman Catacomb and a church in early Christian Rome dedicated to a person named Valentine. 

The Legend of St Valentine is that he was Priest in Rome at the time of Emperor Claudius II.  At the time men were reluctant to go to war if they were married or engaged to be married.  This period of the Roman Empire was tumultuous (though somewhat less bloody relative to other Roman emperors) and this required that young men serve as Roman soldiers.  According to this legend Claudius suspended marriage so that men would not have attachments preventing them from going to battle.  There also were laws that made Christians illegal citizens of the Roman empire because they would not worship "Caesar is Lord." 

Valentine continued to perform marriages in violation of this law.  He was arrested and put into prison.  He continued to preach the Gospel and win others to the Lord according to this tradition.  Claudius was intrigued by Valentine because his witness in the face of adversity.  He called Valentine and told him if he renounced his faith and worshiped Roman God's that he would spare his life.  Valentine refused.  Instead he attempted to persuade Claudius to convert to Christianity.  This displeased Claudius greatly and Claudius sentenced Valentine to death by beating, stoning, and beheading.

According to this legend while in jail Valentine befriended the Jailer who had a blind daughter.  He called upon God to heal the Jailer's daughter of her blindness and she was healed.  The jailer and his family were converted to Christian faith.  Prior to his execution Valentine wrote a note to the Jailer's daughter encouraging her to stay strong in the faith.  He singed it "From your Valentine."  His execution is said to have occurred on February 14, 270AD. 

The difficulty with Legend that is recorded nearly 1000 years after an event is that it is being able to separate embellishment from that which factual.  However I believe the story can remind us of love and devotion.  Valentine defended the sacred rite of marriage as an institution of God when the state tried to suspend it.  He also uplifted the value of commitment, faith, devotion and integrity when denying these things would have spared his life.  Finally he died with a deep concern for the wellbeing of others that God had placed in his life. 

Perhaps we to can live with a self-sacrificing love that is demonstrated by this story.  I plan on reposting a couple of previous posts on the subject of love over then next couple of days.  I hope that your Valentine's day offers an opportunity to renew romantic love (if you are married) and devoted love for those that are important in your life, and most importantly the divinely inspired love that is demonstrated in the sacrifice of Jesus Christ.

God Bless You.

Sexual Intimacy According to the Bible III

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As time goes on sexual intimacy continues to be an very important part of marriage.  In this post we will look at what the Bible says about a maturing sexual intimacy between husband and wife. 

In Song of Songs 6:2 the couple is continuing in their passionate love making (going down the garden).  They are continuing in passionate kissing (feeds among the lilies).  As relationships mature it is wise to make sure that sexual intimacy continues to be a part of that relationship.  There can be times of ebb and flow in the relationship, and unfortunately the husband and wife may not always be in sync of who is ebbing and who is flowing.  However, if you continue to practice 1 Corinthians 7:3-4 then you will be more interested in the wellbeing of the other rather than whether you "feel like" being sexually intimate.  In any case our couple in the Song of Songs has continued to be sexually active. 

I am my love's and my love is mine; he feeds among the lilies.
Song of Songs 6:3 (HCSB)

I wear the ring to the right.  On one side it says "My beloved is mine" and on the other it says "I am my beloveds."  It is a sort of summary of 1 Cor 7:3-4 as well as wedding vows in brief.  Notice that this statement of commitment and mutual belongingness is sealed with a kiss ("feeds among the lilies" See previous posts).  I get the sense that God is telling us that kissing is an important aspect of sexual intimacy. 

The husband has continued to note the ways that he is attracted to his wife.  Some of the language is the same, but there are some new elements as well.  He complements her eyes and her hair saying her eyes captivate him (Song 6:5).  He talks about her teeth (Song 6:6).  He again mentions pomegranates as mentioned before indicating that he was excited sexually.  He talks about her loveliness and beauty comparing to an awe inspiring army of Banners (Song 6:4).  He compares her to 60 queens, 80 concubines, and young women without number and concludes:

But my dove, my virtuous one, is unique; she is the favorite of her mother, perfect to the one who gave her birth. Women see her and declare her fortunate; queens and concubines also, and they sing her praises:
Song of Songs 6:9 (HCSB)

She is unique and favored in the eyes of her husband.  That is a powerful statement.  To be unique and favored is powerful emotional intensity to a woman.  His love for her is seen by other women and they say she is fortunate.  Think about that for a moment.  I believe that the reason they say she is fortunate is because the husbands declaration of her beauty, love, devotion that they have for each other is standard for him.  A Godly man who has eyes only for his wife is a beautiful thing.  It is a blessing to his wife and it forges sexual intimacy.  Notice also in this section the husband points to his wife's inner beauty as well by calling her virtuous and pure.  As you grow in your love together you become aware of the beauty of the person as a whole not simply in the physical attraction.  Sexuality of the world is Lustful, degrading, licentious, and nasty.  Sexuality according to God's plan is lovely, devoted, virtuous, and pure.  We should strive for the latter in our marriage. 

One thing that is striking at this point is that the husband never stops telling her how beautiful she is.  His expressions started in the courtship, expanded on the marriage night, and continues into the maturing love. 

Who is this who shines like the dawn- as beautiful as the moon, bright as the sun, awe-inspiring as an army with banners?
Song of Songs 6:10 (HCSB)

But soft! What light through yonder window breaks?
It is the East, and Juliet is the sun!
Arise, fair sun, and kill the envious moon,
who is already sick and pale with grief
That thou her maid art far more fair than she.
-Romeo and Juliet William Shakespeare

Romantic language is powerful to capture the heart of a loved one.  We would do well to take some time to pay attention to this.  If you struggle with this then consider reading romantic quotes and finding one that you can put into your own words.

We again see the husband praising the beauty of his wife.  Guys are you seeing a pattern here?  

In this verse he comments on her feet  and thighs (Song 7:1).  He is talking about her curves.  The curves of her thighs in particular.  Now talking about a woman's thighs seems like dangerous territory in our modern culture.  We are obsessed with thinness.  It is a cultural sickness that makes women feel inadequate for being... ... well women.  God intended for women to have curves and curves are beautiful.  The husband in this case in is stating as much.  Whose handiwork is her curves?  The Master.  Who is the master that designed his wife?  God.  You see God made a beautiful woman for each husband.  We need to appreciate the beauty of her.  She is a precious creation that is better than fine Jewelry.  And her curves should be satisfying to you!  In addition by appreciating your spouse as a gift from the Master you avoid turning them into a sexual object (idol). 

He continues moving up to her belly (Song 7:2).  He describes her navel as a drinking bowl that is never empty.  He is continually satisfied with her navel.  He says that her belly (waist) is like a mound of wheat.  There at least three interpretations that could be made here.  The husband is talking about the color of her belly, she is pregnant, or he is continuing to describe her curves (my interpretation).  Again describing her belly may seem like dangerous territory.  However her husband is describing how beautiful it is regardless if it is color, with child, or shape it is beautiful to him!  He also is imagining kissing her body (surrounded by lilies).

As before he talks about her breasts (Song 7:3).  He talks again in this section about how he plans to caress her body and hold her breasts (Song 7:7-8).  He is talking to her an a romantic language and not degrading manner.  Her breast are fruit and sustenance to their sexual intimacy.  Not object of his personal gratification. 

There is an interesting sequence of comparisons that on the surface seem a bit humorous if the try to imagine them.  He neck is a tower of ivory, her eyes like pools Heshbon, and her nose like the tower of Lebanon (Song 7:4).  The neck of ivory is a symbol of noble purity.  The term "ivory tower" has taken a negative connotation in modern times with the rejection of nobility.  In this case she is not stuck up and above others, but has an air of nobility and white is purity.   The pools of Heshbon are deep series of pools that are supplied by underground springs.  They are still since do not have flowing water.  Stillness and calmness are in her eyes.  The tower of Lebanon is a "watchtower."  We do not know what this particular tower looked like so it is not clear if her nose looked like this.  It is more likely though he is praising her watchfulness.  It seems to fit with context Damascus was hostile to Solomon reign (1 Kings 11:23-25).   It says in Song 7:4 that the Tower of Lebanon looks over Damascus.  If this is the case then he is praising her ability to smell (see) danger (mixing metaphors).  Once again as love matures the appreciation of personal characteristics become a part of the attractiveness of your spouse. 

The husband is caught up in looking at the beauty of her hair and her complete loveliness (Song 7:5-6).  He says that her hair is captivating to him.  He can't stop looking at her.  Sad when men stop looking at their wives.  If they stop looking then we can't be captivated.  All to often a man is moving away and it his wife that is chasing him for intimacy.  Look at her.  Love her.  Cherish her.  This will build up your sexual intimacy in your marriage. 

At this point the wife takes over the dialogue. 

It seems they are kissing (Song 7:9).  She is aware and acknowledges her husband's desire for her (Song 7:10).  She then again invites him to the Garden (love making) with all of it's pleasures, passions, sexual excitement, and mutual belongingness (Song 7:11-13).  She talks about mandrakes.  Mandrakes were seen as a fertility drug so it seems she desires to become pregnant (See Gen 30:14-17).  She also says the doors are open to sexual intimacy both new and old that she is treasuring them up.  It seems she is expressing her openness to her husband, remembering old times of sexual closeness, and looking forward to new experiences as well.  Sex is a treasure and not an obligation or dread.  When a spouse begins to dread sex it is no longer intimacy.  It is a good indicator that something is missing in your marriage.  Intimacy has been lost.  Look to see what that is and address it so that you can return to your gardens of pleasure as God intended. 

My hope is that you have found this series on "Marriage Essentials" beneficial.  I pray for your marriage (all marriages) that they would find the original intent, beauty, love, devotion, respect, honor, and excitement that was present on your wedding day and is fitting with what God has intended. 

 

 

Sexual Intimacy According to the Bible

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The Song of Songs is representative of health sexuality in marriage.  I will in the next posts share with some of the Bible teaches on sexual intimacy.  I have been reading an commentary by Mark E Washburn called "To Find and Enjoy the Love of Your Life."  In this book he helps to bring to light the symbolism as well as the cultural idiosyncrasies of the book.  I would recommend it. 

Song of Songs 4:1-5:1 represents a couples first night together.  In this we see a natural progression of the consummation of marriage vows.  Most of the verses focus on what the husband is saying to his new bride.  The interesting thing about this text is that it is graphic without being pornographic.  It is a beautiful expression of God Plan for sexual intimacy. 

How beautiful you are, my darling. How very beautiful! Behind your veil, your eyes are doves. Your hair is like a flock of goats streaming down Mount Gilead.
Song of Songs 4:1 (HCSB)

On this wedding night the bride maintains her modesty.  Behind the veil her husband takes time to notice her eyes.  There is something about connecting with the eyes.  There is an old English proverb "Eyes are windows to the soul."  Making that eye to eye contact communicates a level of intimacy and trust in the relationship. 

A Casual glimpse of your mate, husband, and failure to look into her eyes is a failure to appreciate what God wants you to see in her heart before and after marriage.
-To Find and Enjoy the Love of your Life

The husband goes on to notice the beauty of her hair.  Verbalizing how beautiful your wife is a part of intimacy. 

Your teeth are like a flock of newly shorn sheep coming up from washing, each one having a twin, and not one missing. Your lips are like a scarlet cord, and your mouth is lovely. Behind your veil, your brow is like a slice of pomegranate.
Song of Songs 4:2-3 (HCSB)

He moves on to her face.  Her teeth, lips, and mouth get his attention.  It seems that she is smiling after his initial complements.  He is drawn to her lips.  We might say your lips are kissable.  Pomegranate has a double meaning it seems.  First his wife has done her best to make her self up.  She has a very deep red make up on her face.  Pomegranate also is a symbol of sexuality.  It was revered as an aphrodisiac in ancient times.  So he is saying that her face is making him excited sexually. 

Side note:  Pomegranates have been found in recent studies to increase male and female libido as well as help with erectile dysfunction.  Those ancients knew what they were talking about.

Your neck is like the tower of David, constructed in layers. A thousand bucklers are hung on it- all of them shields of warriors.
Song of Songs 4:4 (HCSB)

Without understanding the context this verse would seem very odd indeed.  First he is not praising her long neck, which is what I though at first.  It appears that she must have a very fancy necklace on.   The reference to the  "tower of David" and "shields of warriors" is important.  The tower of David had shields of warriors hung on it symbolizing the commitment to protect and defend.  I believe that the husband was not only appreciating the fine jewelry, but also making a statement of protecting and defending their love together. 

Your breasts are like two fawns, twins of a gazelle, that feed among the lilies.
Song of Songs 4:5 (HCSB)

The husband moving down is admiring her breasts.  This is the first time that he has seen them.  In his previous description of her beauty her breasts are left out.  Gazelles are beautiful, sleek, and graceful creatures.  Twins are rare as gazelles usually give birth to only one.  The husband is saying that her breast are a rare beauty.  In Song of songs 5:3 we learn that the husband's lips are compared to lilies, and so it would appear here that he does more than notice the beauty of his wife's breasts, but he also kisses them. 

Before the day breaks and the shadows flee, I will make my way to the mountain of myrrh and the hill of frankincense.
Song of Songs 4:6 (HCSB)

I want to point out how slow this husband is moving toward the act of sex (until the early morning he will make love to her).  It is important to note that sexual intimacy has a slow moving flow.  We can have sexual intimacy on the quick but it is not nearly as satisfying as if we move slowly with our spouse.  Appreciate the mutual attraction for one another.  Allow love's passion to draw you in don't force raw desire. 

He continues to talk about her breasts.  He is smelling the perfume that she has been keeping between her breasts for this occasion (Songs 1:13).  This is a moment of intense passion. 

You are absolutely beautiful, my darling, with no imperfection in you.
Song of Songs 4:7 (HCSB)

The husband has noted 7 things about his wife that express her beauty.  Seven is the number of perfection.  He is expressing her perfect beauty.  It also is a number that represents God.  It could be that he is praising God for giving him a beautiful wife. 

Try it out.  See if you, husband, can name seven beautiful features that you see in your wife.  Obviously some of her features others will notice as well as yourself.  Then there will be some features that you may regard as beautiful others may not see or appreciate.
-To Find and Enjoy the Love of Your Life

You have captured my heart, my sister, my bride. You have captured my heart with one glance of your eyes, with one jewel of your necklace. How delightful your love is, my sister, my bride. Your love is much better than wine, and the fragrance of your perfume than any balsam.
Song of Songs 4:9-10 (HCSB)

The husband is head over heals in love with her.  There is an unfortunate belief in male culture that some how it is unmanly to allow a woman to capture your heart.  There are expression of "whipped man" comes to mind.  It seems that it is more important to maintain a sense of respectable independence than to please the woman he loves.  To be sure such a man has not allowed his wife to capture his heart.  True sexual intimacy will be hard to come by if this does not occur.  He goes on to say that the love of his wife is better than any earthly pleasure.  He is devoted to her love.  Side note:  The expression "my sister" might weird us out in our modern culture.  However it is an expression of a deep close protective relationship.  Not that he sees her as his biological sister. 

Your lips drip sweetness like the honeycomb, my bride. Honey and milk are under your tongue. The fragrance of your garments is like the fragrance of Lebanon.
Song of Songs 4:11 (HCSB)

Things are moving along.  After sharing more about his love for her he begins to passionately kiss her on the lips.  This is no mere peck.  This is sweetness, honey and milk deep passionate kissing (note the tongue is involved here).  He continues to be intoxicated by the smell of her.

My sister, my bride, you are a locked garden- a locked garden and a sealed spring.
Song of Songs 4:12 (HCSB)

The passion of the moment draws them ever closer to the moment of marital bliss.  Notice that she is locked up.  This is an expression of virginity.  This is their wedding night after all.  He goes on to describe her garden in Songs 4:13-15.  There is the pomegranates again. Except now it is not a mere slice, but tree containing "a paradise of Pomegranates."  Needless to say the husband is quite overcome with sexual desire toward his wife. 

Fountains and Springs are occasionally used in the Bible to express sexual intimacy between a husband and wife.  This is a shared fountain and spring.  It is to be exclusive.  Proverbs 5:15-20 admonishes that sexuality be expressed exclusively between a husband and wife using this imagery. 

Awaken, north wind- come, south wind. Blow on my garden, and spread the fragrance of its spices. Let my love come to his garden and eat its choicest fruits.
Song of Songs 4:16 (HCSB)

And with that the husband is invited to enjoy his wife.  Note a couple of things.  The act of sex after a long period of foreplay is initiated by the invitation of the wife.  The husband has not forced himself upon her.  What is more is the wife says "his garden."  We would do well to recognize that sexual intimacy is carried in the basket of mutual respect and mutual belongingness.  That is to say one does not ever do anything that is violation of the other (they are invited) and each recognizes that his/her body is not their own (1 Cor 7:3-4). 

I have come to my garden-my sister, my bride. I gather my myrrh with my spices. I eat my honeycomb with my honey. I drink my wine with my milk.

Eat, friends! Drink, be intoxicated with love!
Song of Songs 5:1 (HCSB)

The husband and wife enjoy their sexuality with each other.  Sexual intimacy has been achieved.  Notice that the husband expresses is deep satisfaction with what has just happened.   It has been fulfilling experience for him (and for her I suspect). 

This last phrase is seen by commentators as the voice of God.  He is expressing His blessing on the sexual intimacy that has just occurred.  May you be intoxicated with love for your spouse.  If you are not married then may you remain as a locked Garden or a sealed fountain until you can share that special intimacy with your spouse some day.  God bless you all.

Listening, Validation, and Edification

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Validation is a very difficult subject to understand.  Often time people believe that validation means giving people a complement that makes them feel good.  That is not validation.  Some people believe simply saying I understand is validation.  That can be, but often it is not.  Validation is what happens with the person you are most likely to go to when you have a problem you want to talk about.  That person validates you because you believe they are listening to you.  Validation then is the communication back to the person that has just said something that indicates you were listening. 

In marriage there are many things that we can do that are invalidating.  Day to day we can use invalidating words or phrases that make the other person feel they are not heard or that they are being told what they think or feel is wrong.  We all do it often without thinking about it.  However, when invalidating words are the norm in communication it will shut down any positive communication that might have occurred.  For example a teenager might come to her parents and tell about some slight that has happened to her at school.  And the parents might say, "I am sure that she did not mean it that way."  or "Don't be so thin skinned."  Those phrase communicate to this teenager that her feelings are not valid. 
There is a better way to respond. In "The Things We Say" document is a list of invalidating phrases courtesy of  Steve Hein (http://www.eqi.org/invalid.htm).  I found this list to be a fairly comprehensive list of invalidating statements that are commonly made by people (I have not researched Steve Hein so I do not endorse his site it is just a good list).  Then I took this list of invalidating statements and added my own validating statements in the left hand column.  My suggestion is that you look them over and see if any of them sound like you and work on replacing your invalidating statements with more validating ones.
The act of listening in itself is validating, but only when the other person believes that they have your undivided attention.  Distractions can lead to the other person feeling invalidated.  So turn off the radio or TV,  put down the magazine or book, get off the computer (my personal weakness), look the person in the eye and focus on listening.  That will communicate non-verbally validation of the person's thoughts, feelings, and beliefs. 
Just as understanding does not mean that you are agreeing with a person, validation does not suggest that you are agreeing with them either.  Validation merely conveys to that person that you have heard and understood them.

Now we who are strong have an obligation to bear the weaknesses of those without strength, and not to please ourselves. Each one of us must please his neighbor for his good, to build him up. For even the Messiah did not please Himself. On the contrary, as it is written, The insults of those who insult You have fallen on Me. For whatever was written in the past was written for our instruction, so that we may have hope through endurance and through the encouragement from the Scriptures. Now may the God who gives endurance and encouragement allow you to live in harmony with one another, according to the command of Christ Jesus, so that you may glorify the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ with a united mind and voice. Therefore accept one another, just as the Messiah also accepted you, to the glory of God.
Romans 15:1-7 (HCSB)

In the Bible validation is very similar to edification.  Romans 15:1-7 describes the act of edification.  The act of edification is building up another person that they can be encouraged and press on to right living.  Edification is an act of love acting in the best interests of the other person above self-interest.  Edification creates hope, endurance, and encouragement.  For the Christian this is rooted in the scriptures which is God's main method of communicating with us.  One thing that happens with both validation and edification is a sense of acceptance.  Just as Christ accepted us while we were sick with sin, how much more should we accept and encourage others to better living.   
God uses validation:

God heard the voice of the boy, and the angel of God called to Hagar from heaven and said to her, "What's wrong, Hagar? Don't be afraid, for God has heard the voice of the boy from the place where he is. "
Genesis 21:17 (HCSB)

Then the Lord said, "I have observed the misery of My people in Egypt, and have heard them crying out because of their oppressors, and I know about their sufferings."
Exodus 3:7 (HCSB)

The Lord said to him: I have heard your prayer and petition you have made before Me. I have consecrated this temple you have built, to put My name there forever; My eyes and My heart will be there at all times.
1 Kings 9:3 (HCSB)

Lord, You have heard the desire of the humble; You will strengthen their hearts. You will listen carefully,
Psalms 10:17 (HCSB)

I call on You, God, because You will answer me; listen closely to me; hear what I say.
Psalms 17:6 (HCSB)

Jesus used validation:

Hearing this, Jesus was amazed and said to those following Him, "I assure you: I have not found anyone in Israel with so great a faith!"
Matthew 8:10 (HCSB)

..she said to herself, "If I can just touch His robe, I'll be made well!" But Jesus turned and saw her. "Have courage, daughter," He said. "your faith has made you well." And the woman was made well from that moment.
Matthew 9:21-22 (HCSB)

Simon, Simon, look out! Satan has asked to sift you like wheat. But I have prayed for you that your faith may not fail. And you, when you have turned back, strengthen your brothers.
Luke 22:31-32 (HCSB)
When they had eaten breakfast, Jesus asked Simon Peter, "Simon, son of John, do you love Me more than these?" "Yes, Lord," he said to Him, "You know that I love You." "Feed My lambs," He told him.
John 21:15 (HCSB)

I want to close with this verse:

My dearly loved brothers, understand this: Everyone must be quick to hear, slow to speak, and slow to anger, for man's anger does not accomplish God's righteousness.
James 1:19-20 (HCSB)

May we Lord in our relationships especially in marriage always quick to hear, slow to speak and slow to anger.  In Jesus Name AMEN

Communication for Understanding (A Biblical Perspective)

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The mouth of the righteous is a fountain of life, but the mouth of the wicked conceals violence. Hatred stirs up conflicts, but love covers all offenses. Wisdom is found on the lips of the discerning, but a rod is for the back of the one who lacks sense. The wise store up knowledge, but the mouth of the fool hastens destruction.
Proverbs 10:11-14 (HCSB)

The Bible has much to say about communication.  We are wise when we use communication in a godly manner.  However we become foolish when we do not. 

This verse here identifies four aspects of wise communication.  First it is a fountain of life.  We can speak words of life into the souls of others.  Our words literally have power to build up another person.  The second aspect is love.  More importantly a love that covers up offences.  Third is discernment.  To me this means that we think before we speak.  Thoughtfulness is essential to wise communication.  Fourth, storing up knowledge.  I believe that this means that we are actively listening receiving the knowledge of others.  Listening is vital to good communication. 

This is contrasted by poor (foolish) communication.  First is the foolishness of not being open with something that is upsetting you.  When you conceal violence or thoughts of discontent you are storing it up for some future conversation.  These thoughts will be revealed in due time and not usually in a constructive manner.  The second example of foolish communication is responding in hatred and strife.  Thinking before you talk is contrasted by a person that lacks sense.  If you speak foolishly you will receive punishment according to this verse.  The opposite of good listening is running of the mouth.  Then end of running the mouth is destruction.  It reminds me of a saying I heard once:

Better to remain silent and have people think you are a fool, than to open your mouth and remove all doubt.

I know it is a cliche, but there is truth in it.

The one who conceals hatred has lying lips, and whoever spreads slander is a fool. When there are many words, sin is unavoidable, but the one who controls his lips is wise. The tongue of the righteous is pure silver; the heart of the wicked is of little value. The lips of the righteous feed many, but fools die for lack of sense.
Proverbs 10:18-21 (HCSB)

We see a similar theme that reinforces what is in the previous passage here.  Wise communication is controlled, righteous, pure, and feeds others.  Foolish communication conceals hatred, spreads slander, runs off with the mouth, is wicked, and lacks sense. 

A word spoken at the right time is like gold apples on a silver tray. A wise correction to a receptive ear is like a gold ring or an ornament of gold. To those who send him, a trustworthy messenger is like the coolness of snow on a harvest day; he refreshes the life of his masters. The man who boasts about a gift that does not exist is like clouds and wind without rain.
Proverbs 25:11-14 (HCSB)

This passage extends our understanding of wise communication.  Timing is everything.  You can say the right thing at the wrong time and the effect be the same as saying something foolish.  We need to be aware of the timing of our words.  Correction is effective when the other person is receptive.  It fuels conflict when they are not receptive.  Speaking to someone who is not receptive is foolish and a waste of time.  Try to understand why they are not receptive and care about their thoughts and feelings. 

People don't care about how much you know, until they know how much you care.

Wise communication is trustworthy and refreshing.  However foolish communication is like a cloud without rain.  Most of us have grown up with a disdain for rainy days.  However ask anyone that is in agriculture that having a cloud without rain during a dry spell is very disheartening.  In the same way having foolish communication in a marriage that is dry causes despair to set in. 

This passage made me laugh (Solomon had a good sense of humor I think), but it is deadly serious:

A person who is passing by and meddles in a quarrel that's not his is like one who grabs a dog by the ears. Like a madman who throws flaming darts and deadly arrows, so is the man who deceives his neighbor and says, "I was only joking!"
Proverbs 26:17-19 (HCSB)

That second part is more applicable to marriage.  I have noticed that people will act or speak aggressively and then dismiss his/her spouse's hurt feelings by saying, "I was only joking."  This is a form of invalidation.  Invalidation destroys healthy conversation. 

Praising and cursing come out of the same mouth. My brothers, these things should not be this way.
James 3:10 (HCSB)

When we use communication to bring our spouse down we are destroying the effectiveness of wholesome communication.  When "praising and cursing come out of the same mouth" the Bible's edict is quite clear, "These things should not be this way!"

It seems I have some work to do!

I love you Loverly!  I am sorry I do not always do my best to communicate that to you!

God Bless You All

...Respect

To sum up, each one of you is to love his wife as himself, and the wife is to respect her husband.
Ephesians 5:33 (HCSB)

It is a sad thing when a wife begins down the road of contempt and dishonor toward her husband.  In some ways husbands are unworthy of respect when we act in hurtful ways.  However in the same way that I would tell a husband to love his wife even when she is acting in an unworthy manner I would also tell a wife to respect and honor her husband even when he is acting in an unworthy matter.  This will no doubt cause some to bristle at the thought.  However consider this, if I were to say to the husband "Shape up and maybe she will start treating you with more respect."  I would (in order to be consistent) say to the wife "Shape up and maybe he will start loving you." 

Love and Respect are two essential elements in a healthy marriage relationship.  If both or either are in short supply then the relationship will not be mutually satisfying or rewarding.  Generally speaking women struggle in the relationship to show respect.  Just as men generally struggle with showing love.  A husband may have no doubt that his wife loves him, but there may be times when he seriously doubts whether she likes him.  This is a dangerous place for a marriage.  Without honor in the marriage a husband will look to other places to get this need met.  For many men this is found in career at the expense of the family.  Worse yet some men will be drawn to a kind word or attention from another woman leading to false intimacy.  This is not to excuse unfaithfulness on the part of a man.  Unfaithfulness is a sin that the unfaithful bears the guilt for.  However why put your spouse at risk by neglecting the very thing he needs. 

Interestingly most men will stay in an unloving marriage if he believes that his spouse respects him.  The reverse is also true.  Women will stay in a disrespectful marriage (sometimes to extreme) if she believes that her husband loves her. 

So what is involved in honoring your husband?

Submission is an ugly word in our culture.  We do not like it one bit.  Yet submission is what is needed (commanded really) in the marriage relationship.  For the most part there should be mutual agreement in matters otherwise the marriage would be unhealthy in my estimation.  However in the areas of disagreement there needs to be a person that makes the decision (and bears the responsibility for the outcome).  This willingness to put cooperation ahead of personal opinions is vital to a husband feeling connected to his wife.  It is the way that God designed men and women to live together. 

In our modern culture men have been told that this part of them is wrong and evil.  It is a part of a misogynistic past that served to keep women oppressed for millennia.  In some respects this concept has been abused by male privilege to keep women from pursuing their dreams and potential.  If submission is used by men to keep their wives under his control then I would suggest that this is a subtle form of spiritual abuse (more on this in a future post).  On the other hand if submission is used by women to honor and build up their husbands it becomes a tool of blessing for their marriage. 

Men have a deep need for a since of accomplishment and esteem.  God designed women to meet this need in the same manner that God created men to meet a woman's need for compassion and understanding.  Sometimes it seems that this is childish to say that men need to be told "good job" to feel good about themselves, but unless you think that is a selfish attitude consider this:

His master said to him, 'Well done, good and faithful slave! You were faithful over a few things; I will put you in charge of many things. Share your master's joy!'
Matthew 25:21 (HCSB)

These words resonate in the soul of a man.  To hear someone say "Well done" touches a man's heart like no other statement in my mind.  Honoring your husband in this way will give him a boost that will result in a return back to you in ways that you cannot imagine. 

Men also like to fix things.  We tend to look at problems with a desire to resolve them more than understand them.  We will start a project without having a clear idea of the end, but with the knowledge that we can make adjustments along the way.  This is a source of great frustration for women who desire to have a deep understanding before taking the first or the next step.  Recognizing this difference in men and women if a wife calls upon her husband to fix something, follows successes with recognition, and responds to mistakes or failures with support (not criticism) it is very energizing to a man. 

Men also like activities that are side by side.  This is another way that men and women are different.  A man will enjoy and feel close with his wife if they are able to go to some activity together (sporting event, movie, etc); on the other hand a woman may enjoy the activity, but not feel close unless there is a face to face conversation at some point.  Men don't need to have a deep conversation to feel close to their wives. 

Communication is not men's strong point.  Conversation is actually terrifying to most men.   We are good at faking it when we our trying to find our future mate, but when the real intimate conversation starts (ie with the feelings of infatuation wear off and we have to share our deepest feelings) we are terrified of talking.  Some men are better at communicating about feelings and intimate subjects than others, but the reality is that we are always feeling inadequate in respect to your superior skill in the area of communication.  

Sex is another area that men often feel inadequate.  When we experience shame in this area it shuts us down emotionally.  It is a catch 22 for most men in that they cannot overcome this feeling of inadequacy without talking, but talking  serves to remind them of how inadequate they feel.  This can play itself out in many ways some healthy and some destructive.  We can have the greatest sexual intimacy if we believe that our wives desire us and respond positively to advances.   Also when problems come up we respond better if there is a response of support and encouragement over defensiveness, shame, or blame.   Men will avoid sex all together (which is saying something) if they believe it will lead to feeling inadequate. 

To sum it up then honoring your husband will be the spark that your marriage needs.  It will engage your man in a deep level and will motivate him to love you in greater and more intimate ways.  May God Bless You!

Love...

To sum up, each one of you is to love his wife as himself...
Ephesians 5:33 (HCSB)

Love, love, love, love, love, love, love, love, love. There's nothing you can do that can't be done. Nothing you can sing that can't be sung. Nothing you can say but you can learn how to play the game It's easy. There's nothing you can make that can't be made. No one you can save that can't be saved. Nothing you can do but you can learn how to be you in time - It's easy. All you need is love, all you need is love, All you need is love, love, love is all you need. Love, love, love, love, love, love, love, love, love. All you need is love, all you need is love, All you need is love, love, love is all you need.  -All You Need is Love (Lennon/McCartney)

It is interesting how much we learn from the Bible versus how much we learn from popular culture about life and marriage.  From the Beatle we learn "Love is all you need."  In a way the Beatles are both right and wrong.

You can have a marriage that has high levels of love, but if there is lacking respect is an emotional roller coaster.  The good times are real good and the bad times are horrible.  In it's extreme it becomes so distorted that women will stay in a marriage when their lives are in danger simply because she believes he loves her. 

You can have a marriage that has high levels of respect, but when love is lacking it is a cold relationship.  The couple is polite to one another, but there is a persistent nagging feeling that something is missing.  There is a connectedness that seem to lack.  You share your address, a nice verbal exchange about your day, maybe even your bed.  However you never share your soul. 

If you lack both well...   ...let the fireworks begin!

In God's word he commands the husband to love his wife unconditionally:

Husbands, love your wives and don't be bitter toward them.
Colossians 3:19 (HCSB) 
Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave Himself for her
Ephesians 5:25 (HCSB)

Loving without bitterness and Loving sacrificially.  I have yet to meet the man that does this naturally.  In fact I would suggest that one of the reasons that God commands men to do this is because it does not come naturally to us.  It is a Spiritual discipline.  This love is selfless, caring, compassionate, not rude or disrespectful, passionate, desiring of closeness, peaceable, and uplifting.  This love bears in mind the differences between husband and wife.  Appreciating her fine beauty.  Treating her with the greatest of care as she is more valuable than your most prized possession.  Only God Himself comes before her in this kind of love.  Feeling convicted (I know I am).

This kind of love means that "no matter what you do or say I will always love you."  It is powerful.  A husband that acts in this way will win the heart of his wife. 

It is interesting to me that some how we believe as husbands that we can when the hearts of our wives by being persuasive.  God's word says that we when our wives hearts by being loving.  Really it is a simple message. 

Our own selfishness is what makes this type of love so hard.  When self-centeredness rules the action there is no love!  Self-love maybe, but not sacrificial love. 

Husbands, likewise, dwell with them with understanding, giving honor to the wife, as to the weaker vessel, and as being heirs together of the grace of life, that your prayers may not be hindered.
1 Peter 3:7 (NKJV)

I heard an illustration once about the term weaker vessel.  In life women are like fine china and men are Tupperware.  You treat china as special and you handle it with care.  You use Tupperware for common purposes and if you throw it around it won't break.  It helped me make sense of this passage.  The passage goes on to say that we are "heirs together" hence equal in standing before God, but created uniquely male and female. 

With that being said we can love our wives understanding them.  Now I know a couple of you guys let out a chuckle just then.  Let me just say understanding our wives is a lifelong pursuit.  If it was easy or if it were possible in the first few years of marriage then we men would get bored and look for more excitement elsewhere.  God knows what He is doing when he brought you and your wife together. 

We also need to give her honor.  Honor is respect for her person.  You accept that she is different yet still in the image of God.  You value and appreciate her person.  You cherish the accomplishments that she makes.  You listen and grant (as appropriate) the desires of her heart. 

As husbands we are to love our wives.  When we are obedient to God in this way we are unlocking spiritual power to flow through our marriages.  So what are you waiting for?  "Love Your Wives!"

 

To Know and Be Known

Intimacy is a powerful human experience.  It is the very mix of security and vulnerability that charges the moment.  The security is based on the character of the other person and the vulnerability is based on being willing to open oneself to the other.  It is an emotional closeness that can only be understood in the context of that particular relationship.  Physical closeness or longing for physical closeness can drive intimacy.  In true intimacy Agape Love is at the very core of intimacy as a both people become completely devoted to the wellbeing of the other person.  Intimacy is to know all characteristics good and bad and continue to be completely accepting of that person, and experience that acceptance from the other person.  Communication is required as intimacy is letting your inside out for the other to see, hear, touch, understand, and accept. Bonding is the chemical expression of intimacy that occurs in the brain.   Interestingly you can have bonding of two people without intimacy, but rarely if ever will you find intimacy without bonding.  Two people with mutual security, vulnerability, emotional closeness.

False Intimacy

Let me just start by saying that false intimacy is destructive to true intimacy to the extent that it replaces or dilutes intimacy.  Here are some types of false intimacy. 

Seduction is a type of false intimacy.  Intimacy is how can I make you feel secure that I can meet your deepest need.  Seduction is how can I make you feel secure so I can meet my own desires.  Intimacy is knowing the other.  In seduction the one caught has a false sense of knowing the other and seducer really only knows him/herself.  

Flattery is a type of false intimacy.  Intimacy is awareness of all things good and bad.  Flattery is only awareness and exaltation of the good.  The flatterer is convincing him/herself that the other is some inhuman ideal, while the flattered lives in fear of being found out that they are not perfect. 

Conversely A critical spirit is a type of false intimacy.  Intimacy accepts the bad and seeks to build the other person up.  A critical spirit rejects the bad and tears down the character of the other person.  The person being critical feels connected by assuming something worthy to offer a type of false edification.  Typically this is merely an escape from awareness of personal faults by focusing on others faults.  In this respect the one with a critical spirit lives in fear of being discovered they are not perfect.  The target of criticism feels connected in that someone is paying attention to me.  Self-sacrifice is intimacy, but in this scenario self-degradation is not!

Gregariousness is a type of false intimacy.  Longing for intimacy you put your best front forward.  At times it is not even the real you.  It is founded in the belief that no one could possibly accept you for who you are, so this invented self or partial self will have to do.  Again fear of being discovered will prevent true intimacy from occurring. 

Victim stance is a type of false intimacy.  We long to be rescued from our circumstances and the meanness of others without recognizing that most times we need to be rescued from ourselves.  The victim stance draws the attention of others through playing on their sympathy.  As long as the victim can play the role then others will meet their need for closeness.  It becomes a vicious trap with the victim needing to stay perpetually the victim or risk being alone.  The irony is that in the end the victim ends up alone if unwilling to give up the role as others begin to pull away.

The rescuer stance is a type of false intimacy.  Interestingly rescuers and victims tend to feed off of each other's insecurities to create a deep bond, but no true intimacy.  Most rescuers imprinted at a very young age that helping someone that is helpless is the purpose of life.  They also tend to view weakness in others as attractive or revolting, but never in between.  They tend to see personal weakness as revolting and end up in a perpetual state of self-denial (which they mistake for self-sacrifice).

Controlling is a type of false intimacy.  The controller attempts to mitigate vulnerability, by managing (manipulating?) the circumstances.  The problem is without vulnerability the controller can never reach true intimacy and becomes frustrated which is often expressed as anger.  The controlled is often a mixture of the criticized and victim accepting being controlled for the sake of closeness.  Bonding to moments of apparent emotional and physical closeness and denying evidence to the contrary.

Why do we long to be known?

It seems to me that God created us with three primary ways of experiencing intimacy.  First and foremost we where created to know and be known by God:

Make Your ways known to me, Lord; teach me Your paths. Psalms 25:4 (HCSB)

Lord, my every desire is known to You; my sighing is not hidden from You.  Psalms 38:9 (HCSB)

But if anyone loves God, he is known by Him. 1 Corinthians 8:3 (HCSB)

I will discuss knowing Christ in my next post.  Secondly we are created for intimacy with our spouse:

Now Adam knew Eve his wife, and she conceived and bore Cain, and said, "I have acquired a man from the Lord."  Genesis 4:1 (NKJV)

I am my beloved's, And my beloved is mine. He feeds his flock among the lilies. Song of Songs 6:3 (NKJV)

Finally we were created for intimacy in fellowship with others.

Now we who are strong have an obligation to bear the weaknesses of those without strength, and not to please ourselves. Each one of us must please his neighbor for his good, to build him up. Romans 15:1-2 (HCSB)

Rejoice with those who rejoice; weep with those who weep. Romans 12:15 (HCSB)

Will you join with me in prayer for the true intimacy to fill our relationships with God, marriages, and fellowships?  We long to be known, but it must start with ourselves.  Am I one to cherish and guard such intimacy?  Am I willing to let go of false intimacies in exchange for the real thing?  Do I take such a risk to be vulnerable (not reckless, but vulnerable none the less) knowing that with vulnerability comes the possibility of being hurt? 

Pray for me!  I am praying for you!  Even those whose names I do not know.

Completed Joy

9 "As the Father has loved Me, I have also loved you. Remain in My love. 10 If you keep My commands you will remain in My love, just as I have kept My Father's commands and remain in His love.  11 "I have spoken these things to you so that My joy may be in you and your joy may be complete. 12 This is My command: Love one another as I have loved you."  John 15:9-12 (HCSB)

At some point along the way the pursuit of happiness became the pursuit of pleasure.  Now an unfulfilled desire is the cornerstone of suffering in America.

We hold these Truths to be self-evident, that all Men are created equal, that they are endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable Rights, that among these are Life, Liberty, and the pursuit of Happiness.

You may have heard the expression "it was mindless fun."  I am not against having a good time.  Nor do I expect that all fun has to have a purpose beyond having fun.  What I take exception to is the mindless. part.  We escape into our fun factories and fail to live the life that God has called us to.  Yesterday I posted on the trip my family took.  It was "mindful fun" if you will.  I created memories this last weekend that I will carry with me the rest of my life.  That is the problem with mindless fun is that it is lost as quickly as it is experienced. 

The distinction between the mindless fun and mindful fun has to do with the word "Joy."  Happiness comes and goes.  It is like a mist or vapor.  Here and then gone.   We try to hold on to it, but it slips out of our grasp.  Then we put all sorts of energy into getting it back.  As we become more and more desperate we slip into a pursuit of pleasure.  The pursuit of happiness is the concept that if I work hard to make myself better or better my circumstances that I will be happy.  Not many people want to work that hard so they settle for pursuit of pleasure.  Pursuit of pleasure is pure hedonism.  If it feels good do it more.  If it feels bad avoid doing it at all cost.  The pursuit of pleasure is a vicious endeavor.  We seek to increase the good feelings avoid pain and in the process make it worse.  In the pursuit of pleasure we are pierced with many griefs. 

I wonder if the founding fathers had this in mind when they penned these words (they changed it from property to pursuit of happiness).  Most of this pleasure seeking is rooted in the desire for material gain.  It is an unmindful discontent.  Any time that your focus is on something that you are not it is unmindful.  It is a matter of priorities.

But those who want to be rich fall into temptation, a trap, and many foolish and harmful desires, which plunge people into ruin and destruction. For the love of money is a root of all kinds of evil, and by craving it, some have wandered away from the faith and pierced themselves with many pains. 1 Tim 6:9-10 (HCSB)

Having an inordinate desire (selfish love, lust) for any material thing (sex, power, money,...) is a sure path for ruin, destruction, and many pains.  No I do not have a problem with fun, but mindless pursuit of pleasure is destructive and robs you of the Joy that God wants you to have. 

So what is the solution...

"...that your joy may be complete."  Well based on the passage at the time our solution is based in love (Here is one of my posts on love).  Secondly it is becoming accepting of whatever God gives you or whatever the trials of life come your way. 

Consider it a great joy, my brothers, whenever you experience various trials, knowing that the testing of your faith produces endurance.  But endurance must do its complete work, so that you may be mature and complete, lacking nothing. James 1:2-4 (HCSB)

Note the words "complete (perfect)," "mature," "complete (whole)," and "lacking nothing."  Let those words ring in your soul and resonate in your spirit.  Why?  Those words perfect (old world type), mature, wholeness, and lacking nothing should inspire us to pay attention to the first part.  We need to be mindful of the whole passage and not just desire the outcome.   We have to accept the whole process and not just the blessing. 

"Consider it a great joy..."  No problem here anything that God wants to do I will consider a joy.  With God all things are possible.  I can do all things through Him who strengthens me.  When we focus on the feel good passages of the Bible we become unmindful of our faith.  In a very real sense we become "Christian Hedonist" seeking that next spiritual fix (high). 

"Consider it great joy, my brothers when you experience various trials..."  If you think joy and trials ought not be in the same sentence then dear friend you are a Christian Hedonist.  That may sound harsh, but God is clear in this passage.  Please note, I am not suggesting that God desires for us to live lives of misery.  He does not!  However, if our pursuit of pleasure (even a spiritual pursuit) is more important than what God is doing in our lives then we are most certainly Christian Hedonists.  Again as I said before it is about priorities.  When our priorities line up then we will be made perfect, mature, whole, and will lack nothing that which is needed. 

How do we consider it a joy then?

I believe that mindfulness will help in this regard.  Remember that Christian mindfulness is contemplative awareness by God's Holy Spirit.   When you face an painful or unpleasant circumstance we must resist the urge to escape into mindlessness.  We have to be aware.  We have to note the pain, acknowledge the pain, and accept the pain.  Fighting pain at this point will only prolong suffering.  Fighting pain does not make it go away any more than escaping into mindlessness.  Then we must invite the Spirit of God to join us in our pain (Read this). 

I will ask the Father, and He will give you another Counselor to be with you forever...the Counselor, the Holy Spirit -the Father will send Him in My name-will teach you all things and remind you of everything I have told you. John 14:16 & 26(HCSB)

I will get more in depth in the Spirit's role in mindfulness in a later post, but let me point out two things.  The Spirit is given as a comfort to be with you through all things.  When we ignore (grieve) the ministry of the Holy Spirit we prolong suffering and discontent.  Invite Him into the moment of pain (and happiness) to be your counselor.   It is the Spirit's ministry to you.  Second the Spirit is a source of knowledge when we forget and when we don't know what to do or say.  We can depend on the Spirit for spiritual wisdom.  Don't ignore this wisdom and thereby quench the Spirit.  Obedience is key as you navigate this difficult time. 

...knowing that the testing of your faith produces endurance!

Thank you Lord for sending your Spirit to be our Counselor.  Allow us to receive trials as an opportunity for growing in perfection, maturity, and wholeness.  Help us to increase our awareness of You and Your Holy Spirit in our lives.  Let us contemplate our day and seek Your will in it.  Guide us to love one another that our joy may be complete in You.  Help us to find that place in our walk with you where we are lacking in nothing.  In Jesus Name AMEN