Circles of Confidence part II

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Friends of Christ

No one has greater love than this, that someone would lay down his life for his friends.
John 15:13 (HCSB)

Before we look at some of the friends of Christ I want to examine his teaching on friendship.  At the heart of friendship is a love that is sacrificial.  Without sacrificial love there can be no greater confidence and intimacy has reached its limit.  There are people who can live this way.  They have enough confidence in humanity to accomplish particular tasks (eg fellow workers), but they never go beyond.  Their circle of confidence never allows for others to come near them.  In doing this they protect themselves from being hurt.  However they tend to live lives of isolation and loneliness. 

You are My friends if you do what I command you.
John 15:14 (HCSB)

This verse can have double application I believe.  Jesus' is clearly saying when we love with a sacrificial love then we are His friends.  I think by implication when we do not love this way then we are not acting like friends of Jesus.  The other application I believe is that a friend will fulfill the request of another friend.  Don't get me wrong we must hold Jesus in higher regard than other friends, but if a friend asks you to do something and you do not do it then how is it that person is your friend.  In this way it seems to me that most friendships are killed by neglect and not by angry actions. When what we do does not match up with what we say or believe then we lack integrity.  This lack of integrity is destructive to relationships.  For example, If I say I believe in the Grace and Forgiveness of God, but I do not treat others graciously or in a forgiving manner then I lack integrity and people will question and/or reject my friendship and I am rejected by God (See Matthew 18:32-35). 

...I have called you friends, because I have made known to you everything I have heard from My Father.
John 15:15 (HCSB)

A friend is a person that shares important parts of what they know.  Openness is a good measure of friendships.  When a person starts to withhold information from another then friendships wither.  A lack of openness usually is a good measure of a lack of confidence.  This lack of confidence can be in certain areas of the relationship.  For example I may have high confidence that a friend will help me with a job around the house, but low confidence that they could help me with a emotional problem.  That is OK.  We will see that Jesus had fewer people that He put higher confidence in than those who were simply His friends.  So varying degrees of confidence is not a bad thing in itself. 

In this Jesus is making known to his friends what He is hearing from our Heavenly Father.  We to can make intimate things know about our relationship with God as well as intimate part of our lives.  As our confidence grows then so does our ability to be intimate in our relationships.  Jesus did not do this with everyone though.  In the same manner we need to discern who is a friend and who is not. 

You did not choose Me, but I chose you...
John 15:16 (HCSB)

Here we can again see a double meaning in this passage.  Jesus is saying that he chose His friends to be the continuation of His ministry here on earth.  His friends were going to establish the Church and tell others about the Good News of Salvation through Christ.  It also says that Jesus chose His friends.  In the same manner we to should choose our friends.  All to often people let others to choose them as friends.  Sometimes they are lucky and other times not so.  Keeping your eyes open and paying attention to how people talk about other, how they treat others, and to a certain extent trusting your convictions is a good way to discern who would be a good friend. 

In short then Jesus teaches that friendship involves sacrificial love, willingness to do things that a friend asks, openness, and a choice (discernment) of friends.  God willing I will look at the people that were friends of Christ.  God Bless You.

Trustworthiness: What does it look like?

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Sometimes it is much easier to see what trustworthy is not than to truly understand what it is.  It seems that distrust and unfaithfulness are easy to spot, but a trustworthy man who can find (Psalm 12:1). 

Many a man proclaims his own loyalty, but who can find a trustworthy man?
Proverbs 20:6 (HCSB)

I like words.  Words are the building blocks of ideas.  Without words we can scarcely communicate with one another.  Think of how it would be if you had no words.  Even our very consciousness is a product of words strung together giving our lives meaning.  When I try to understand an idea I often trace it back to the word.  To understand trustworthiness I believe it would be a useful exercise to look at the word itself in order to understand what we are looking to cultivate in our lives in order to be a trustworthy person. 

Before we do though let me just say that trustworthiness is more that simply understanding and saying the right words.  It is the action of trustworthiness that defines whether a person is or is not trustworthy.  No amount of special pleading will move a person from untrustworthiness to trustworthiness.  With that in mind lets look more into the meaning of this word.

Looking at Word Origins

Trustworthy as a word first appeared in the English literature around 1808.  This would make the word relatively young.  I would be very interested what word or words were used before to convey the idea.  Based on the King James (1611) the word would have been faithful (See Proverbs 11:13 (KJV) compared to Proverbs 11:13).  The word faithful can be traced back to the 1300s making it a much older word than trustworthy.  So now we have two words to explore faithful and trustworthy. 

Faithful quite literally means full of faith.  One might ask full of faith as to believe or worthy of other's full faith (ie confidence).  I would think it is both.  It does me no good to have other's faith and confidence when It is lacking in me.  Let me suggest though that being full of faith is a higher priority than having others confidence.

Faithful also indicates a person that is willing to stick to it for better and for worse.  It indicates consistency.  God remains faithful many times in spite of our unfaithfulness.  He is always faithful.  So in our relationships we can demonstrate faithfulness by being a consistent source of support, love, kindness, and edification for the one that we care for.   

This type of faith starts first in one's relationship with God.  It is a deep abiding trust that God will work things out for the good of those who trust and love God and follow Him and His purposes(Romans 8:28).  Notice how the trust leads to action.  I trust leading to love leading to following Him.  Often we turn that around like this.  I will do what I think God wants me to do, hoping to demonstrate my love and devotion to him and someday I will have enough faith to trust in Him.  Don't miss this point.  Being full of faith is confidence leading to action and not action leading to trust.  This is very important in this presentation of trust.  The act of trust is proceeded by trustworthiness (faithfulness) and confidence.  Full of faith then extends from this relationship with God into the relationships with other people (ie confidence; more on this in a future post)

Looking at Synonyms

A trustworthy person is authentic.  Often times in a relationship where trust has been broken or when someone is seeking to gain another's trust the person wanting to be trusted will fall into a pattern of telling the other what they think they want them to hear.  This approach may gain some points with the person in the short-term, but it lack authenticity and will be diminish trustworthiness in the long-term. 

A trustworthy person takes responsibility for their actions (good or bad).  It is easy to be defensive.  It takes a trustworthy person to accept not only the things they have done wrong in life, but to understand the effect that has had on others view of them personally.  Stated a different way blaming others for not seeing us as trustworthy (after doing something wrong) is denial of responsibility. 

A trustworthy person is mature.  There is whole host of things that come with maturity, but probably the biggest is perspective and effective action.  For example a mature person will recognize when a conversation is heading toward conflict and choose to do what best for the relationship rather than keep the conflict going to prove a point.  Maturity also carries with is some mellowness, calmness, levelheadedness.

A trustworthy person is credible.  This credibility is rooted in honesty, but it is also brought about by constancy in doing what one says they are going to do.  There is a correspondence between what I believe, what I say, and what I do.  That is integrity. 

A trustworthy person is open.  Openness to other points of view.  This does not mean that this person agrees with all points of view, but a trustworthy person is willing to listen until he or she understands the other's point of view. 

A trustworthy person lives by his or her values.  It is important to understand your own values and what is important to you.  It is important to understand why they are important to you.  Then it is important to let those values guide what you do.  So often we get trapped into making decisions based on our situations rather than our values.  Situational ethics is in the end becomes a personal choice based on what you believe is best for that situation.  Principled ethics lead you to choose based on what is right and just in each situation regardless of what might make you feel good.

There are many more words that define trustworthiness.  I have elaborated on some of them here.  You can see more synonyms here.  My recommendation is that you review this list of words and the words from the thesaurus and ask yourself, "Am I cultivating these qualities in my life?"  If you are then you seem to be on the right track.  If not then you have ask whether you really are growing in trustworthiness.  Honestly each person has work to do in the area of trustworthiness.  This exercise needs to be looking at one's self not used as a tool prove someone else's untrustworthiness.  If that is your tendency after reading this post then can I say that a trustworthy person acts to improve himself or herself in order that she or he can do what is in the best interests of the other person. 

Why do you look at the speck in your brother's eye but don't notice the log in your own eye? Or how can you say to your brother, 'Let me take the speck out of your eye,' and look, there's a log in your eye? Hypocrite! First take the log out of your eye, and then you will see clearly to take the speck out of your brother's eye.
Matthew 7:3-5 (HCSB)

In short then trustworthiness is...
Faithfulness
Authenticity
Taking responsibility
Maturity
Honesty and credibility
Openness
Principled based on values not situations
Willing to examine one's self
Acting in the best interests of others

 

 

Making the Most of the Time

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Pay careful attention, then, to how you walk not as unwise people but as wise making the most of the time, because the days are evil. So don't be foolish, but understand what the Lord's will is. And don't get drunk with wine, which leads to reckless actions, but be filled by the Spirit
Ephesians 5:15-18 (HCSB)

This passages immediately proceeds the passage on marriage (Eph 5:22-32).  This morning I am reflecting on my own need to make the most of time.  It seems that it is easy for me to fall into the chaotic life of busyness and in the process become less effective and eventually neglect the things that are important and that are really worthy of my time.

In this passage we see God's time management system.  First we are called to pay attention.  So often we mindlessly go through our day without a thought of what we are doing.  We do it simply because something has demanded our attention, out of habit, or just because. 

Once we have paid attention then God calls us to walk wisely.  To be honest with you I continually have to work at this one (as I am sure most of us do).  The beginning of Wisdom is fear of the Lord (Prov 9:10).  When respect God as our sovereign Lord then we are on the right path in our walk.  Perhaps that is why days that I start with a time of meditation on His word, prayer, and/or reflection on God are much more satisfying than those days that I neglect these. 

Continuing on this road God calls us to make the most of the time.  So many things compete for my attention.  I also struggle with being a bit ADD.  So I get the added bonus that my mind tend to follow the rabbit trails of life to the point that I forget what I was doing in the first place.  The idea of making the most of time is that we are "buying back our time."  It seems that our time is a commodity that is sold, bought, and traded.  All to often I sell my time to some other cause, effort, purpose than the one that God has put on my heart.  This does not seem like a bad thing on the surface.  After all I am helping others most of the time.  However, it leads me to neglect.  I think also how many hours I have traded for mindless distraction and pursuit of things that do not bring my Lord honor.  Again some of them very worthy sounding on the surface, but none the less traded away. 

God Calls us to buy back (redeem) our time.  An action I can think of is redeeming a mail in rebate.  The form that the rebate has very little value until we get the the things together needed for the rebate (receipts, upc codes), fill out the form, and mail it in.  It also has an expiration at which the rebate becomes worthless if not acted on.  In the same way our time only has value when we get our things together and act according to what is needed.  If we don't act then time has very little value in and of itself.  Time also expires and becomes worthless when it is not acted on. 

God tells us to do this because the days are evil.  This seems confusing until you realize that the default is evil because time wasted is time lost.  Evil in the sense that they are decaying away and will never be again.  Evil in the sense that we are closer to meeting our maker.  Evil in the sense that we can no longer use a day gone by to do something that God has called us to.  Evil in the sense that our days can naturally be filled with hurtful, wasteful, unwholesome, hardship, difficult, and painful things.  It is only by redeeming time that we can turn these evils into something good.  God uses us to redeem time. 

This continues with two don'ts and two do's:
Don't be foolish
Don't get drunk
Do understand God's will
Do be filled with the Spirit

So how are you doing in redeeming the time? 

I think I need to work more effectively in this area.  Will you pray with me that God would lead us to redeem the time?

God Bless You!

In the Midst of Dark Times

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There are times in life that one comes to the edge of what they can know, feel, believe, and understand.  It is a bit like standing on the edge of an abyss.  There is not much peace in that place.  Doubts creep in.  You begin to question everything.  At times you question why you are here.  That is relatively mild compared to the more difficult questioning of your beliefs, your sanity, whether you have been deluded to believe that God exists.  If you have not been in this place then consider yourself lucky.  It is a lonely place.  A painful place.  It is a dark place. 

I presume that Paul was there on at least one occasion.  I base that on his remark:

If we have put our hope in Christ for this life only, we should be pitied more than anyone.
1 Corinthians 15:19 (HCSB)

Most people who have not traveled to the Abyss will quote Pascal's Wager or some version of it.  The gist of Pascal's Wager is that God cannot be found based on reason only by faith .  Therefore it makes sense to believe as if he existed for one has nothing to lose (if God does not exist) and everything to gain (if God does exist).  Pascal's wager stand's in direct contrast with Paul on this point.  The fact is if we trust in Christ for this life only then we should be more pitied than anyone.  Those that would espouse such an argument trade faith for wishful thinking which leads unbelievers to mock Christianity. 

Coming to the edge of the Abyss forces us to the point of questioning and eventual rejecting of things we are unable to reason (knowledge of good and evil becomes our God) or we reach out and find a loving Shepherd longing to love us and guide us (by faith affirming Christ as our Lord).  In one sense the Abyss separates the sheep from the goats (Matthew 25:32, Matthew 13:49).  A goat (one looking like, but lacking authentic Christian faith) will travel to Abyss and upon seeing his dilemma throw his religion into the abyss and walk away believing (faith in reason not in God) he has done something enlightening.  A sheep (on having authentic Christian faith) will come to the Abyss experience the pain, fear, doubt in all its fullness.  Then quietly wait in that place for his Shepherd to come find him and lead him out of that place. 

The 23rd Psalm

The Lord is my shepherd; there is nothing I lack. He lets me lie down in green pastures; He leads me beside quiet waters. He renews my life; He leads me along the right paths for His name's sake. Even when I go through the darkest valley, I fear no danger, for You are with me; Your rod and Your staff-they comfort me. You prepare a table before me in the presence of my enemies; You anoint my head with oil; my cup overflows. Only goodness and faithful love will pursue me all the days of my life, and I will dwell in the house of the Lord as long as I live.
Psalms 23:1-6 (HCSB)

These words are foolish to the world.  They are useless to goats.  But to sheep these words are balm to the soul.  These words are comfort in times of pain.  These words are light in the midst of darkness.  These words are assurance in the feeling of loneliness. 

"The Lord is my shepherd."  We choose him when we come to him in faith.  He does reveal Himself to us, but we have a choice to accept or reject Him as our shepherd. 

"There is nothing I lack."  This seems a strange statement when one is standing next to the abyss.  In fact this whole series of pictures is strange next to the Abyss.  There are images of  "green pastures," "quiet waters," "renewed life," "right paths" and standing next to the Abyss you might say, "Perhaps The Good Shepherd has forgotten me.  I seem to have taken a wrong turn somewhere and do not see green pastures, quiet waters, renewed life, nor right paths.  In fact I lack very much.  God where are in the midst of this dark time?"  I believe that David (The one writing the Psalm) is reflecting back on in the past what God has done in his life in Psalm 23:1-3.  Looking back beyond the darkness of his present situation he recalls God's faithful provision of green pastures, quiet waters, renewed life, and right paths.  And now at this moment that reflection is something that can reaffirm your faith. 

"Even when I go through the darkest valley..."  Some translation say, "Valley of death."  When one travels to the deep abyss one can scarcely imagine walking through it.  It is terrifying enough to stand at the edge and look into it.  Yet even when we are near this abyss or traveling through it we can be assured of this:  the Shepherd is with us and desires to comfort us.  With the shepherd nearby we have nothing to fear.  David is describing his current situation in Psalm 23:4.  Looking at the darkness we see only pain and suffering.  Looking at our Savior we have nothing to fear even in the midst of grave danger.  With our eyes fixed on the Shepherd we have nothing to fear of doubts and suffering.  We have nothing to fear at the end of our reasonableness.  We have nothing to fear of our sanity.  We had nothing to fear for our Shepherd is in this place.  He guides us.  If we get to far to the right or the left with a gentle tap from His rod He will get us back on track as we travel this dark time in our lives.  What a comfort His rod and staff are when we have reached the end of ourselves and what we can do on our own.  Traveling to and through the Abyss can be a gut wrenching experience of this there is no doubt.  However, we will have the guidance and presence of God even when all we see is the darkness. 

"You prepare..."  In Psalm 23:5 David again shifts his focus from the present moment (in the dark valley) to the future.  Even our enemies cannot overcome what the Lord has prepared for us.  There is leanness right now in this valley, but then will be a banquet table, anointing oil, and plenty to quench our thirst.  There is abundance in our future when we walk through this with our Lord.  He has prepared it for you.  The image of anointing with oil is a symbol of God's selection of you.  God has chosen you.  He has anointed you for His purpose.  You are especially His!  Some day His anointing, blessing, provision will overflow to you.  His provision waits on the other side for you!

God's "goodness and faithful love" will "pursue" you the days of your life.  Walking to the abyss, walking through the abyss, God's unfailing goodness and love pursue you.  That is quite a statement.  That is boldness that is beyond being reasonable.   The world and the goats will say, "Show me the proof and then perhaps I will walk through that valley with you, but you are foolish to think that such a place reveals God's goodness or love.  Quite the contrary if God was loving and good the valley would not exist."  That is what they will say.  They will not understand.  They cannot understand walking through the valley because they do not have the Shepherd. 

"I will dwell in the house of the Lord as long as I live."  Notice the trip to the abyss did not destroy the faith, but made it stronger (Psalm 23:6).  Note the resolve that this trip produced.  I will dwell...as long as I live.  These are powerful words from a person who has been to and through the Abyss.  There is no room to pretend that God exists and if he does then He will reward you and if he does not then you have lived a good life.  This is utter foolishness. Either you do or you do not choose to dwell in the House of the Lord.  There is not phantom faith.  It either is true faith or it is not faith at all.  The wondrous thing is that once we have made the resolution to trust the Shepherd our weakness will be His strength and He will take care of us no matter how dark it might be. 

Blessings to you!

Sexual Trauma

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Sexual Trauma is a barrier to sexual intimacy.  Trauma comes in many forms.  The most extreme is sexual abuse, but it can come in milder forms.  For example someone with increased sensitivity catching your spouse looking at porn can be a trauma.  Another might be finding out your spouse is having an affair.  Childhood sexual abuse is a sexual trauma.  Sexual trauma is when an event that threatens your well being and the associated feelings become connected to sexual behavior.  Often the associated feelings are subconscious.  They will pop up without understanding or explanation.   Sexual trauma can be from within the marriage or from some other event from the past.  To be clear unwanted sexual behavior of an aggressive nature is abuse whether the couple is unmarried or married.  Forced sexual contact is rape regardless of marital status. 

One of the difficult aspects of trauma is that the memory and associated feelings are often locked into the brain and do not go away.  There can be some relief through various therapies, but it only takes a moment to bring up those feelings from the past.   Imagine if you will a super camera that records everything, sight, sound, smell (very strong in trauma), thought, feeling, sensation.  Now that super camera has an automatic alarm attached to it that is loud enough to wake the soundest of sleepers.  That is what it is like to experience sexual trauma and cues that remind of the past trauma.

Once trauma is encoded into the brain it pretty much becomes a permanent part of that persons life story.  Interesting there are some therapy techniques that help people retell their story so that they can better cope in the present.  This may make coping more effective, yet even in this scenario the trauma is still a part of the life story.   

One of the most unhelpful things you can do if your spouse is struggling with sexual trauma is to tell them to either "get over it" or "stop punishing me."  "Get over it" is irritating and down right disrespectful.  It communicates you are not a safe person to deal with genuine feelings and blames the victim.  Remember your spouse is the victim.  "Stop punishing me" is playing the victim.  You are not the victim in sexual trauma (at least in this hypothetical scenario) your spouse is.  You cannot help your spouse leave the role of victim by playing one yourself. 

Let me just say if you are in a relationship in which trauma is regularly occurring or is severe in nature you need to find a safe place.  Reconciling with a person should be done with the greatest of caution and only after the person has demonstrated a change in heart and change in behavior.  Placing yourself in a dangerous situation is foolishness don't do it!!!!!!

To help a spouse who is a victim of sexual trauma you have to recognize your role in it. 

If you are the person that instigated the trauma you have to make a full admission to your role and take steps to break the behavior that traumatized your spouse in the first place.  You have to take responsibility for these behaviors without blaming your spouse.  Sexual Trauma is often rooted in anger.  You have to be willing to take a look at how you handle anger, frustration, and irritability.  You might need to seek out help of another as you learn to deal effectively with anger.  If you do not then your spouse will not feel safe to allow for sexual intimacy. 

You might be thinking, "But I did not cause this."  It is important to recognize that people who have been traumatized can and often are retraumatized by the behavior of others.  You may not have initiated the trauma, but as the spouse of a victim of sexual abuse you have an obligation to takes steps to not retraumatize them.   You have to be willing to break from those behaviors regardless of how your spouse should feel or not feel safe.  Stated another way:  You cannot help your spouse develop coping skills for past trauma by constantly pulling the scab of the wound.  

If you are the victim of sexual trauma and you desire to have true sexual intimacy with your spouse then you have to take a path of learning to trust another with your body and vulnerably again.  It is not an easy path, but it can be done.  If your spouse is the cause of the sexual trauma and is repentant then you are needing to take the path of going FORTH (see previous post).  You also may want to seek additional help of a counselor, pastor, and/or trusted friend. 

It is sad that in order to accomplish ideal sexual intimacy that we have to address the ugliness of sexual sin whether the guilty party or the victim or the spouse of the victim.  However, we have to take a stand to protect others from trauma and become safe people else we risk becoming part of the problem.  Without repentance (a change of heart and direction) then true sexual intimacy cannot occur. 

One of the most beautiful things that can happen in marriage is that the relationship can be a source of great healing and hope.  If both spouses commit to loving each other in the manner in which you hold the other's needs higher than your own and you enlist the healing power that exists in the grace of God then genuine healing can be the result.  Together you can build sexual intimacy and overcome the past sexual trauma through a safe, compassionate, loving, caring marriage.  If it is lost then it can be restored if both spouses seek it.  If it is present then your marriage is a place of great worth. 

Intimacy Lost

There are times when a relationship is broken.  It is not that intimacy is lacking, but rather that it has been significantly altered by some painful event.  This is not the same as those that have been hurt by false intimacy (see here for that subject), but that have had intimacy and had it taken by a painful event and/or desire to get it back.  Sometimes one, the other, or both spouses are to blame.  Other times it is some event that happens outside the marriage that is such a significant trauma that intimacy is lost within the marriage.  These are painful times.  Heartache, fear, distrust, disgust, aversion, coldness, loneliness, grief, and other painful emotions are at the forefront during these times of life.  Marriage because of the potential for intimacy  can be the source of great destruction or great healing during these times depending on how the trauma is handled.  It is unlikely that one can be neutral during these times because to do nothing actually make the relationship destructive (albeit in a more passive way).  Perhaps you are at that place now: an affair, traumatic violence,  serious violation of trust, emotional trauma, significant loss in life, really anything that is a traumatic or a loss in life will fit the bill. 

A list of things that I believe are helpful during these times is to understand when it time to go "FORTH" are Forgiveness, Openness, Respect, Trust, and Healing.  These five concepts are interrelated, but is they also are different.  It is important if you are to restore intimacy to understand the similarity and differences between these five relationship concepts. 

Forgiveness

Forgiveness is the quality of releasing the other person from condemnation for his or her offence.  Condemnation is the act of declaring guilty and holding a person accountable to the fullest extent possible.  Condemnation has no room for grace or circumstances.  To release condemnation is to forgive.  What that means individually is that a person releases his or her personal right (real or perceived) to demand retribution.  Individual forgiveness is different than pardon.  Pardon is given by society or some society representative.  For example a person might forgive a person that assaulted them, but that does not mean they are pardoned for the crime.  Forgiveness also is unique from openness, respect, trust and healing.  A person can forgive and not have the other four.  This is important because recognizing forgiveness as different will avoid you falling into the trap of believing that you have not forgiven or believing that your spouse has not forgiven because they do not trust. 

Openness

One of the casualties in traumatic events is often openness.  It is based somewhat in trust.  However it is different from trust.  Openness is both a measure of the level of trust in a relationship and the mechanism for rebuilding trust in a relationship.   Openness is being accountable, vulnerable, sincere, forthright, and clear.  It is avoiding secretiveness.   It also has a quality of gentle honesty.  I distinguish that from brutal honesty.  Brutal honesty is not openness, but rather is an attack usually meant to punish the other person for bringing the subject up.  Gentle honesty is being transparent while being fully aware of how what your are saying may affect the person that you are talking with.  It is focused more on how you say things over what you are say.  At times there is a tension that exists in that what you have to say may be unpleasant.  Gentle honesty does not hide the unpleasant, but thinks long and hard about timing, manner, and intent of sharing unpleasant information. 

Respect

Respect is another casualty of traumatic events.  This is especially true when the root cause of the trauma lies within the behavior of the other spouse (having an affair for example).  You might wonder about how to respect someone who has done something dishonorable.  I would agree that this is a difficult thing.  However if your goal is to restore emotional intimacy then disrespect will not bring that about and will in fact have the opposite effect on the relationship.  Disrespect is fuel to defensiveness and distrust.  There are times when respect (or disrespect) is learned from previous relationships and displayed in the marriage relationship.  For example if you grow up in a family that does not respect the feelings of others then you will have a greater likelihood that you will have a lack of respect for your spouses feelings and not even be aware that you are doing that.  The substance of respect is positive regard (treating with kindness), courteousness, sensitivity to feelings of the other, endure, give benefit of doubt, value opinion of, and giving of esteem when something good is done. 

Trust

I have said in a previous post that trust is vital element in emotional intimacy.  Not wanting to repeat myself here let me just contrast trust and forgiveness.  Trust is the ability to be vulnerable and entrust your life and emotions with a person that you love.  Forgiveness is a release from the right to retaliate.  They certainly do overlap, but they are different and are on different schedules.  Most of the time when spouses say "You don't forgive me" it is not true.  The fact he or she is willing to show up in counseling is evidence of forgiveness in my estimation.  Unforgiving people do not seek out reconciliation or a way to make the relationship better.  What would be more accurate to say is, "I desire for you to trust me."  In this way the responsibility is shared.  The person who has broken the trust has the obligation to demonstrate trustworthiness and the person who has been offended has to reach a point where they can be vulnerable again.  This is not the same a forgiveness and will take time as the couple grows in trustworthiness and vulnerability.

Healing

I like to use a serious break in the leg as an analogy for healing.  The recovery from a serious complicated break can be relatively short to a extensive.  It depends on many factors (type of break, whether surgery is needed, bone health, activity level before and after the break, etc).  Even when a break is healed there may be times that in cold weather or if you step just in a certain way that you will have a painful reminder of the break.  Stated another way there is never a complete healing 100%.  Recovery is lifelong to a certain extent. 
In the same way psychological trauma is never 100% healed.  I raise this issue because I want to contrast it with the issue of forgiveness.  A person will experience painful emotions for a long time after a trauma or serious loss.  However, painful emotions is in no way indicative of a lack of forgiveness.  The painful emotions are there because you are human and are still in a process of healing and recovery.  There should never be guilt over painful emotions either in the form of guilt trip (by the other) or by self reproach (why can I just get over it).  Healing takes time and will often be the last to occur in this list of five things (sometimes life long). 
That being said emotional intimacy can be forged in the process of healing.  If the person that is supporting recovery of the other becomes an agent of healing then they form of bond with that person that is extremely strong, even when the person is at fault for the trauma in the first place.  The key to healing painful emotions is to avoid the guilt trap.  Guilt turns painful emotions into suffering.  You have to accept the feelings of pain whether you are the person experiencing them or if you are the person wanting to support.  Together healing will bring the emotional intimacy that you long for.  The difficulty is that it takes time and progress is measured by months if not years depending on the type of trauma.  End the end it is worth it if you are willing and your spouse is the person that is willing to take the journey with you. 

If this describes your relationship I pray that you will seek and receive the healing you are looking for.  If you are the support person then I pray that you will be come the agent of healing for your spouse for better or for worse.  God bless you.  If this does not describe you consider supporting another couple that is going through a hard time as a support toward healing and reconciliation. 
 

Fancy Flights

Unreservedly giving yourself to God involves being committed to do it today.  Often I hear Christians (at times myself) telling me what they are planning to do someday for God.  The fancy flights are not any more mindful than worrying about the future.  Even though they make have a feeling of good will, they do not accomplish much based on my observations.

In a way fancy flights are boasting before the actual act has occurred.  We say I will go do such and such for God.  One of the difficulties is that we do not know what tomorrow holds.  Our hearts go out to the family that just lost a young daughter this week.  Their loss has affected our family.  Life is like that.  Three weeks ago we had no connection to the family and now we are grieving with them as they wrestle with this loss.  It reminds me though about how uncertain we can be about the future. 

Another problem with fancy flights is that tomorrow never comes.  It is always a perpetual tomorrow.  It is a little different than procrastination.  Procrastination is putting off something that you don't want to do.  Fancy flights are planning to do something that you want to do, but never taking that first step or following through.  I still struggle with this myself, but by God's grace I am getting better.  Trust me I still have much room to grow in this respect.  those that know me well will testify to this. 

The cure of fancy flights (verses)

1. Daily prayer (Matthew 6:11)
2. Discern what God is doing today (Matthew 16:23; Luke 19:5)
3. Do not harden yourself with sin today (Hebrews 3:12-13)
4. Encourage another person today (Hebrews 3:12-13)
5. Plan your tomorrows with speculation (not certainty) in light of God's will, and do good while it is today (James 4:13-17)

God bless you all!

Completed Joy

9 "As the Father has loved Me, I have also loved you. Remain in My love. 10 If you keep My commands you will remain in My love, just as I have kept My Father's commands and remain in His love.  11 "I have spoken these things to you so that My joy may be in you and your joy may be complete. 12 This is My command: Love one another as I have loved you."  John 15:9-12 (HCSB)

At some point along the way the pursuit of happiness became the pursuit of pleasure.  Now an unfulfilled desire is the cornerstone of suffering in America.

We hold these Truths to be self-evident, that all Men are created equal, that they are endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable Rights, that among these are Life, Liberty, and the pursuit of Happiness.

You may have heard the expression "it was mindless fun."  I am not against having a good time.  Nor do I expect that all fun has to have a purpose beyond having fun.  What I take exception to is the mindless. part.  We escape into our fun factories and fail to live the life that God has called us to.  Yesterday I posted on the trip my family took.  It was "mindful fun" if you will.  I created memories this last weekend that I will carry with me the rest of my life.  That is the problem with mindless fun is that it is lost as quickly as it is experienced. 

The distinction between the mindless fun and mindful fun has to do with the word "Joy."  Happiness comes and goes.  It is like a mist or vapor.  Here and then gone.   We try to hold on to it, but it slips out of our grasp.  Then we put all sorts of energy into getting it back.  As we become more and more desperate we slip into a pursuit of pleasure.  The pursuit of happiness is the concept that if I work hard to make myself better or better my circumstances that I will be happy.  Not many people want to work that hard so they settle for pursuit of pleasure.  Pursuit of pleasure is pure hedonism.  If it feels good do it more.  If it feels bad avoid doing it at all cost.  The pursuit of pleasure is a vicious endeavor.  We seek to increase the good feelings avoid pain and in the process make it worse.  In the pursuit of pleasure we are pierced with many griefs. 

I wonder if the founding fathers had this in mind when they penned these words (they changed it from property to pursuit of happiness).  Most of this pleasure seeking is rooted in the desire for material gain.  It is an unmindful discontent.  Any time that your focus is on something that you are not it is unmindful.  It is a matter of priorities.

But those who want to be rich fall into temptation, a trap, and many foolish and harmful desires, which plunge people into ruin and destruction. For the love of money is a root of all kinds of evil, and by craving it, some have wandered away from the faith and pierced themselves with many pains. 1 Tim 6:9-10 (HCSB)

Having an inordinate desire (selfish love, lust) for any material thing (sex, power, money,...) is a sure path for ruin, destruction, and many pains.  No I do not have a problem with fun, but mindless pursuit of pleasure is destructive and robs you of the Joy that God wants you to have. 

So what is the solution...

"...that your joy may be complete."  Well based on the passage at the time our solution is based in love (Here is one of my posts on love).  Secondly it is becoming accepting of whatever God gives you or whatever the trials of life come your way. 

Consider it a great joy, my brothers, whenever you experience various trials, knowing that the testing of your faith produces endurance.  But endurance must do its complete work, so that you may be mature and complete, lacking nothing. James 1:2-4 (HCSB)

Note the words "complete (perfect)," "mature," "complete (whole)," and "lacking nothing."  Let those words ring in your soul and resonate in your spirit.  Why?  Those words perfect (old world type), mature, wholeness, and lacking nothing should inspire us to pay attention to the first part.  We need to be mindful of the whole passage and not just desire the outcome.   We have to accept the whole process and not just the blessing. 

"Consider it a great joy..."  No problem here anything that God wants to do I will consider a joy.  With God all things are possible.  I can do all things through Him who strengthens me.  When we focus on the feel good passages of the Bible we become unmindful of our faith.  In a very real sense we become "Christian Hedonist" seeking that next spiritual fix (high). 

"Consider it great joy, my brothers when you experience various trials..."  If you think joy and trials ought not be in the same sentence then dear friend you are a Christian Hedonist.  That may sound harsh, but God is clear in this passage.  Please note, I am not suggesting that God desires for us to live lives of misery.  He does not!  However, if our pursuit of pleasure (even a spiritual pursuit) is more important than what God is doing in our lives then we are most certainly Christian Hedonists.  Again as I said before it is about priorities.  When our priorities line up then we will be made perfect, mature, whole, and will lack nothing that which is needed. 

How do we consider it a joy then?

I believe that mindfulness will help in this regard.  Remember that Christian mindfulness is contemplative awareness by God's Holy Spirit.   When you face an painful or unpleasant circumstance we must resist the urge to escape into mindlessness.  We have to be aware.  We have to note the pain, acknowledge the pain, and accept the pain.  Fighting pain at this point will only prolong suffering.  Fighting pain does not make it go away any more than escaping into mindlessness.  Then we must invite the Spirit of God to join us in our pain (Read this). 

I will ask the Father, and He will give you another Counselor to be with you forever...the Counselor, the Holy Spirit -the Father will send Him in My name-will teach you all things and remind you of everything I have told you. John 14:16 & 26(HCSB)

I will get more in depth in the Spirit's role in mindfulness in a later post, but let me point out two things.  The Spirit is given as a comfort to be with you through all things.  When we ignore (grieve) the ministry of the Holy Spirit we prolong suffering and discontent.  Invite Him into the moment of pain (and happiness) to be your counselor.   It is the Spirit's ministry to you.  Second the Spirit is a source of knowledge when we forget and when we don't know what to do or say.  We can depend on the Spirit for spiritual wisdom.  Don't ignore this wisdom and thereby quench the Spirit.  Obedience is key as you navigate this difficult time. 

...knowing that the testing of your faith produces endurance!

Thank you Lord for sending your Spirit to be our Counselor.  Allow us to receive trials as an opportunity for growing in perfection, maturity, and wholeness.  Help us to increase our awareness of You and Your Holy Spirit in our lives.  Let us contemplate our day and seek Your will in it.  Guide us to love one another that our joy may be complete in You.  Help us to find that place in our walk with you where we are lacking in nothing.  In Jesus Name AMEN

The Problem of Perfection (Unmindful Perfection Contrasted with Mindful Wholeness)

Most of the time when we think of the word perfection we tend to mean without defect or blemish.  Jesus said, "Be perfect, therefore, as your heavenly Father is perfect (Matt 5:48)."  We then are instantly confronted with the unreality of the statement be without defect or blemish as God is without defect or blemish.  When we examine our own lives moment by moment we reach a honest conclusion that we are not perfect (without defect or blemish).  This creates a problem with Christian mindfulness because you are either attempting to be something that you are not (nor can you be) or you are ignoring a very clear statement from Jesus.  Neither seem appealing, however I believe there are a great many Christians that live their lives in this tension. 

The problem lies not in the words of Christ nor in the impossibility of perfection.  The problem lies in our understanding of perfection.  Perfect had an original meaning of maturity or moral purity.  I need the source for this, but I read once that the word perfection changed as a result of the industrial revolution.  For example before the industrial revolution a perfect chair was one having four legs, aesthetically pleasing, and work of a craftsman.  After the industrial revolution a perfect chair was one that met particular specifications (without defect or blemish) and was exactly like the hundred that just came off the assembly line. 

An alternate meaning of perfect is complete (or whole).  In this passage the Greek word is teleios.  This word means to be complete in the thing it is referencing (age , growth, character). 

He (Jesus) personally gave some to be apostles, some prophets, some evangelists, some pastors and teachers, for the training of the saints in the work of ministry, to build up the body of Christ, until we all reach unity in the faith and in the knowledge of God's Son, [growing] into mature man with a stature measured by Christ's fullness. Eph 4:11-13 (HCSB)

Note the last part "mature (teleios) man... ...Christ's fullness"  This is where wholeness and filling come together.  What is it that makes us whole (teleios)?  Is it not the filling that comes from Christ?  You see Christ's statement to "Be perfect" is not so much as to be without defect as it is to be filled with God's Holy Spirit.  In the context of the passage then Loving is perfected in you when you can love those that you dislike the most (enemies).  Not that loving your enemies makes you without defect, but rather loving your enemies (and everyone else for that matter) makes you whole as God is whole.  Why?  Because of the fullness of Christ according to Ephsians 4:23. 

In short stop striving to be without defect or blemish (ie striving to be like other homogonous fashionable happy Christians) and embrace the fullness of Christ.  Then you will be perfect as your Heavenly Father is perfect.  This will be the genuine you (That God designed).  This will be "Christian Mindfulness."

God Bless You

Wholeness and Filling

I have already mentioned that one of the key differences between Eastern Mindfulness and Christian Mindfulness is emptiness versus filling.  There are some definite similarities between these concepts and then some stark contrasts. 

One similarity that is worth looking at is the tendency of the human mind to develop preconceived ideas and notions.  This is a universal phenomena and can be readily observed.  One problem though is that these are more easily seen by others (or in others), not in examining yourself.  Most of these tendencies for preconceptions and notions tend to operate at the level of our subconscious (ie outside of our awareness).  Eastern Mindfulness and Christian mindfulness agree then that these fixed beliefs created by the human mind are a source of misperception, misunderstanding, self-deception, misbehavior, and errors in thinking.  In Christian faith this is called sin.  It is interesting to note that the most common meaning of the word sin (in Hebrew and Greek) is to miss the mark!  So Eastern and Christian thought agree that there is a natural tendency to miss in the human mind and played out in human behavior.  The key difference in how to resolve this tendency to miss (sin). 

One of the core teachings in Buddhism is emptiness (Sunyata).  Buddhists teach that the things that happen around us really do not have permanence.  Stated another way "once it happens it will never happen again."  When we hold on to our conceptions we are holding on to this emptiness as if it were real and tangible.  We become more insightful as we release these conceptions (I think this is where the term emptying the mind comes in) and allow the observable world (and our thoughts about this world) to come into our awareness and then pass like a stream.  By practicing this type of meditation it is proposed that a person gains greater insight into his/her life as well as the world around them.  This realization of the emptiness leads to the ability to transcend suffering, antagonism, fear, etc.  Further awareness of this emptiness leads a person to enlightenment (Nirvana).  I am by no means an expert in Buddhism.  If I have misrepresented please feel free to comment below.

In the Christian practice resolving the missing takes a decidedly different direction.  Throughout the Scriptures (Old and New Testaments) is the concept of filling and wholeness.  Being filled and receiving wholeness from God is the solution to sin (missing) and the key  to fulfillment.  The first three commandments of the Bible are, "Be fruitful, multiply, fill the earth (Gen 1:28)."  To be fruitful requires maturity which is a from of wholeness (more on this in another post).  Multiplication (ie reproduction) is required to have filling.  For example you cannot fill a grain elevator unless there is seed to reproduce itself.  This is God's way.  Filling is an ongoing process and not a goal to be achieved.  Filling is continuous action of filling up and overflowing.  

Consider these two perspectives to further draw the contrast between Buddhist and Christian mindfulness.

Zen: A university professor went to visit a famous Zen master. While the master quietly served tea, the professor talked about Zen. The master poured the visitor's cup to the brim, and then kept pouring. The professor watched the overflowing cup until he could no longer restrain himself. "It's overfull! No more will go in!" the professor blurted. "You are like this cup," the master replied, "How can I show you Zen unless you first empty your cup."

Christian: "Give, and it will be given to you; a good measure-pressed down, shaken together, and running over-will be poured into your lap. For with the measure you use, it will be measured back to you." Luke 6:38 (HCSB); Now may the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you believe [in Him] so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit. Romans 15:13 (HCSB); For as the sufferings of Christ overflow to us, so through Christ our comfort also overflows. 2 Cor 1:5 (HCSB)

Another similarity and difference has to do with the role of self.  Both Buddhists and Christians agree that the self (often Soul, Mind or Flesh in new testament teaching) is the barrier to greater spiritual insight and growth.  In Buddhist teaching self is diminished through liturgy (chants, mantras, meditations, and the like) self-transcendence and/or self-denial practices (middle way).    In Christian teaching self is diminished through exercising self-control, Reckon "Old self" dead, Putting off old self and put on new self by renewing the mind.  The contrast then is in Buddhism the goal is transcendence of self (escaping rebirth ie nirvana) and Christian thought is renewal (rebirth) of self (leading to escaping divine wrath). 

You see God desires that we be filled.  Being emptied does not accomplish filling.  The problem with the Zen teaching is it is limited.  I can only receive that which I have the capacity to receive.  For the Christian on the other hand God gives out of His infinite abundance if we are willing to receive it.  No emptiness required just a willing heart to turn from sin (missing), die to self(rebirth), and trust in Him (our fullness). 

I will be going into more detail about Wholeness and fullness in future posts.