Levels of Intimacy In Marriage

Well I have not posted in quite a while.  But that does not mean that I have given up on blogging.  Maybe I can get back into the swing of things.  A lot has happened in my life, but that will have to wait for another post perhaps.  I wanted to talk about levels of intimacy in marriage.
In my counseling experience I have learned that there can be different types of intimacy (Emotional, physical, sexual, and spiritual; See Here).  With each of these there can be levels or depth of intimacy as well.  I have attempted to sort out how to communicate this to the couples that I work with in building a loving and caring marriage.  I have come up with a very complex way of looking at it that would take a book to explain.  Most people lose interest if it cannot be explained simply.  The other day I was attempting to explain levels of intimacy and I came up with three words that help clarify this in a very simple way.  These words are Thoughtfulness, Sensitivity, and Understanding.  Each of these represents different actions.  Each of them also can represent greater intimacy.

Happy Mother's Day

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Proverbs 31 is an acrostic using the Hebrew alphabet.  It is instruction on how we (men) are to honor our wives.  It also says a good deal about motherhood.  I rewrote the Acrostic using the English alphabet and modernized it.  Hope you enjoy!

A wife of noble character who can find?
She is worth more than jewels

Broad is her husband's confidence in her
He is a blessed man!

Continually she is good for him
Guarding him from pitfalls of life.

Diligently she seeks clothing
She makes certain her children are clothed

Every week she seeks out deals.
Buying groceries she never tires or gives up.

Food is always in the refrigerator.
Her family is never hungry.

Going and going she is always at work,
Her endurance lasts until evening and then into the night

Happy is she when she seeks and finds a good price
Her talent for this is beyond words

Investing time and money in her family,
She never quits or gives up.

Juggling her many chores and responsibilities
She gives her all and then continues.

Keeping busy, the laundry never ceases
The dishes do not wash themselves.

Load after Load, wash after wash
And yet she does this without many complaints

Most of the time she opens her doors
To what seems like all the neighborhood children.

Needy children she helps
To poor families she extends her hand.

Outside in the winter her children are not cold.
She ensures that they do not leave without their coats.

Pulling sheets off the bed and replacing them
In spite of her work she is always dressed in fine clothes

Quick are others to point out,
the benefit of such a mother and wife.

Reliable is she when she works
Her employers give her praise.

Strength and dignity belong to her.
In loyalty and good character she is not lacking.

Today, hopefulness is in her eyes
She does not despair for the future

Unending are her wise statements
Her good advice refreshes the soul.

Victory belongs to her home
She never ceases in guarding her family

Wealthy is the woman whose children give many thanks
And when her husband cherishes her great worth

Xerox produces many cheap copies
But your wife and mother are priceless and irreplaceable

Young beauty fades, Charm is shallow
But a woman that follows Christ should be praised

Zealous in giving her honor, we should be.
We should honor her in public as well!

Happy Mother's Day!

John the Baptist "Friend of Christ"

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John considered himself to be a friend of Jesus (John 3:29).  What is it that he did that led him to this opinion of himself?

John was on mission for God.  He knew that God had sent him before the one that was going to bring salvation to the world.  He said that his call had been "given to him from Heaven (John 3:27)."  What is more he in his calling was sent forth like an ambassador goes before a king.  His ministry was in preparation of Christ's (John 3:28).

The imagery changes from forerunner to friend of the groom.  The friend of the groom had a high responsibility.  His job was to find and secure the bride at times.  If the groom was already betrothed (similar to engaged) then the friend of the groom would serve the bride in what ever she needed.  He also was a witness to the couple's fidelity to one another.  The friend would announce the coming wedding celebration.  The friend of the groom was responsible for the preparations for the wedding celebration.  He was like a super-wedding coordinator. 

In this way John was the friend of the groom.  Interestingly several of John's disciples became disciples of Christ and in turn became the early church (securing the bride).  He announced the coming of Christ.  He prepared the way for the wedding by proclaiming the need for repentance. 

What can we glean from this in friendships?  John was a very good friend.  He had a servants heart and was willing to do what ever it took to help his friend.  Admittedly it was our Lord, but a friend still.  He honored his friend by diminishing his importance.  He did not compete with his friend.  He blessed and supported the efforts of his friend.  He was willing to have his disciples transfer to follow his friend.  If we are to be a good friend then we must be able to be a servant, be helpful, honor, in humility, not compete, not demand our own way, support, and willing to sacrifice. 

As I have gone through this I am becoming aware that friendships have more to do with me than they have to do with qualities in others.  If you find someone that is trustworthy then it seems that friendship is the work that you put into it.  What are your thoughts?

Confidence Restored?

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There is a financial term "full faith and credit" which means the unconditional commitment of one party to back the the interests and principle of another's debt.  An example of this is the most recent mortgage loan crisis with our government "bailing out" finical institutions who had large amounts of mortgage debt that were worth less than the properties used to take on that debt (due to falling real estate prices).  The US Government bought many of these debts, but more than that they gave "full faith and credit" to help other institutions secure capital so that they could start lending money again to lower mortgage interest rates and stabilize the housing market.  Well I think the jury is still out as to whether this will work in the long run, but the point is this.  The expectation is that the US government will not default on it's loan obligations.  That makes these investments much lower risk, because if things go badly the US Government will bail us out. 

This illustration is much more meaningful when we apply it to our relationship with God and with others.  A person that has a relationship with God can rely on and trust in the "full faith and credit" of God's goodness, mercy, provision, loving-kindness and so on.   That is to say our commitment of Confidence has less to do with the character of the person that we are trusting and more to do with our confidence that God will work things out.  Stated another way, "I trust you not because you are a guarantee, but because even if things go poorly God is big enough to bail both you and me out, by His great mercy and grace."  Ultimately your trust in others ought to be an expression of your trust in God. 

Love is patient, love is kind. Love does not envy, is not boastful, is not conceited, does not act improperly, is not selfish, is not provoked, and does not keep a record of wrongs. Love finds no joy in unrighteousness but rejoices in the truth. It bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.
1 Corinthians 13:4-7 (HCSB)

Confidence in another person really is an expression of love.  Notice above it says love does not keep a record of wrongs, bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, and endures all things.  At first glance this seems a rather silly notion to the natural man.  But this verse must be understood in the context of our relationship with God and in light of our future with Him. 

Keeping record of wrongs is the opposite of confidence.  Face it we are all weak in our character.  We all have major flaws.  You don't have to go very far to discover a weakness in yourself or in others that you have a close relationship with.  Keeping a record of wrongs is like going on an investigation of why I should break off this relationship.  You will always find evidence.  The end result is a heart filled with discontent and suffering.  Don't get me wrong being hurt by someone will often take a long time to heal.  You also will likely remember the thing that hurt you for a long time, possibly for the rest of your life.  The difference is being reminded of a hurt is not the same as "let me tell you how you have hurt me."  The difference is in part an attitude that throws it in another's face versus what can I learn to grow from this painful experience. 

Bearing all things leads to a restoration of confidence. The word bear in the Greek is a beautiful word picture.  The root word means roof.  The picture is to cover (ie roof) in silence.  A person who has confidence in the other person will cover them in silence.  What does that mean?  To me it is an expression of not airing dirty laundry.  It can also mean that the relationship is protected and covered without fanfare or celebration.  Think about your roof.  It probably does not get much notice until it stops working.  It covers in silence.  Yet can you imagine your life with out it?  In the same way bearing all things builds up and if needed restores confidence in a relationship. 

Believing all things I must admit is a hard one for me to receive.  As I read that phrase my first thought is I must be a fool to believe all things.  Is that not being naive?  When we look at the Greek for believe then it really opens this up to the purpose of these series of posts.  In this case the meaning is to commit, entrust, give credit, and have faith.  Given that it seems to draw us even deeper in to unconditional credulity.  However I can think of other passages that encourage us to be discerning (1 Corinthians 2:14; Hebrews 5:14).  So then this statement cannot be unconditional belief in all things.  I believe that what is being described here is a disposition to believe in a person and their motives.  When this quality is lost in a relationship then confidence is lost and trust along with it.  The only way to restore confidence is to return to a disposition of trust and faith in the other person (ie believe all things).  Otherwise the opposite disposition becomes a poison well that slowly kills the relationship. 

Hoping all things looks toward the future with a positive outlook for what could be.  This type of hope is the root of Christian faith (Romans 8:24-25).  In relationships it is hope for a better future.  This kind of hope is more than wishful thinking.  It is confidence (there is that word again) that through commitment, hard work, and God's grace the relationship will be a blessing.  So often we are hopeless about ourselves or others.  Hopelessness destroys confidence.  Without confidence there is no trust. 

Endure all things?  But why should I do that?  First consider that if a person endures trials in a righteous manner they are rewarded in heaven (see James 1:12).  There is a kind of endurance that is really just learned helplessness.  It is a resignation to suffer through it, because that is all we can do is suffer.  That type of endurance is destructive.  The type of endurance that is being describe here is when a person perseveres through the pain, suffering, trials knowing that there is something better for them in the future.  Learned helplessness is laying down and taking it with barely a whimper.  Biblical endurance is standing up (with the help of the Lord) and walking through fiery trials.  It is the type of confidence that relies on the "full faith and credit" of our Heavenly Father. 

When we place our confidence in others we create an environment where trust can grow.  On the other hand when we remove our confidence we withdraw an essential quality that is needed in healthy relationships.  Over time it will be wither like a plant without water in the hot of a summer.  Confidence is absolutely needed in a growing trusting relationship.  The great news is that we can place our confidence not in the failings of humans, but in the greatness of God's grace and mercy.  We can trust in God to bring our relationships into the light of His glory and the showering of His love. 

God Bless You.

St Valentine's Day

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There is coming up a holiday in which we celebrate love.  There are many theories as to the origin of this holiday.  One theory is the Roman religion celebrating Lupercalia (Celebrated February 13-15), which was Christianized by announcing the celebration of the martyrdom of St Valentine of Rome.  Legends are recorded within the Christian faith with the earliest documented mention of the story appearing around 1260 in Golden Legend and again in 1493 in the Nuremberg Chronicle.  There also have been a discovery of a Roman Catacomb and a church in early Christian Rome dedicated to a person named Valentine. 

The Legend of St Valentine is that he was Priest in Rome at the time of Emperor Claudius II.  At the time men were reluctant to go to war if they were married or engaged to be married.  This period of the Roman Empire was tumultuous (though somewhat less bloody relative to other Roman emperors) and this required that young men serve as Roman soldiers.  According to this legend Claudius suspended marriage so that men would not have attachments preventing them from going to battle.  There also were laws that made Christians illegal citizens of the Roman empire because they would not worship "Caesar is Lord." 

Valentine continued to perform marriages in violation of this law.  He was arrested and put into prison.  He continued to preach the Gospel and win others to the Lord according to this tradition.  Claudius was intrigued by Valentine because his witness in the face of adversity.  He called Valentine and told him if he renounced his faith and worshiped Roman God's that he would spare his life.  Valentine refused.  Instead he attempted to persuade Claudius to convert to Christianity.  This displeased Claudius greatly and Claudius sentenced Valentine to death by beating, stoning, and beheading.

According to this legend while in jail Valentine befriended the Jailer who had a blind daughter.  He called upon God to heal the Jailer's daughter of her blindness and she was healed.  The jailer and his family were converted to Christian faith.  Prior to his execution Valentine wrote a note to the Jailer's daughter encouraging her to stay strong in the faith.  He singed it "From your Valentine."  His execution is said to have occurred on February 14, 270AD. 

The difficulty with Legend that is recorded nearly 1000 years after an event is that it is being able to separate embellishment from that which factual.  However I believe the story can remind us of love and devotion.  Valentine defended the sacred rite of marriage as an institution of God when the state tried to suspend it.  He also uplifted the value of commitment, faith, devotion and integrity when denying these things would have spared his life.  Finally he died with a deep concern for the wellbeing of others that God had placed in his life. 

Perhaps we to can live with a self-sacrificing love that is demonstrated by this story.  I plan on reposting a couple of previous posts on the subject of love over then next couple of days.  I hope that your Valentine's day offers an opportunity to renew romantic love (if you are married) and devoted love for those that are important in your life, and most importantly the divinely inspired love that is demonstrated in the sacrifice of Jesus Christ.

God Bless You.

Sexual Intimacy According to the Bible III

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As time goes on sexual intimacy continues to be an very important part of marriage.  In this post we will look at what the Bible says about a maturing sexual intimacy between husband and wife. 

In Song of Songs 6:2 the couple is continuing in their passionate love making (going down the garden).  They are continuing in passionate kissing (feeds among the lilies).  As relationships mature it is wise to make sure that sexual intimacy continues to be a part of that relationship.  There can be times of ebb and flow in the relationship, and unfortunately the husband and wife may not always be in sync of who is ebbing and who is flowing.  However, if you continue to practice 1 Corinthians 7:3-4 then you will be more interested in the wellbeing of the other rather than whether you "feel like" being sexually intimate.  In any case our couple in the Song of Songs has continued to be sexually active. 

I am my love's and my love is mine; he feeds among the lilies.
Song of Songs 6:3 (HCSB)

I wear the ring to the right.  On one side it says "My beloved is mine" and on the other it says "I am my beloveds."  It is a sort of summary of 1 Cor 7:3-4 as well as wedding vows in brief.  Notice that this statement of commitment and mutual belongingness is sealed with a kiss ("feeds among the lilies" See previous posts).  I get the sense that God is telling us that kissing is an important aspect of sexual intimacy. 

The husband has continued to note the ways that he is attracted to his wife.  Some of the language is the same, but there are some new elements as well.  He complements her eyes and her hair saying her eyes captivate him (Song 6:5).  He talks about her teeth (Song 6:6).  He again mentions pomegranates as mentioned before indicating that he was excited sexually.  He talks about her loveliness and beauty comparing to an awe inspiring army of Banners (Song 6:4).  He compares her to 60 queens, 80 concubines, and young women without number and concludes:

But my dove, my virtuous one, is unique; she is the favorite of her mother, perfect to the one who gave her birth. Women see her and declare her fortunate; queens and concubines also, and they sing her praises:
Song of Songs 6:9 (HCSB)

She is unique and favored in the eyes of her husband.  That is a powerful statement.  To be unique and favored is powerful emotional intensity to a woman.  His love for her is seen by other women and they say she is fortunate.  Think about that for a moment.  I believe that the reason they say she is fortunate is because the husbands declaration of her beauty, love, devotion that they have for each other is standard for him.  A Godly man who has eyes only for his wife is a beautiful thing.  It is a blessing to his wife and it forges sexual intimacy.  Notice also in this section the husband points to his wife's inner beauty as well by calling her virtuous and pure.  As you grow in your love together you become aware of the beauty of the person as a whole not simply in the physical attraction.  Sexuality of the world is Lustful, degrading, licentious, and nasty.  Sexuality according to God's plan is lovely, devoted, virtuous, and pure.  We should strive for the latter in our marriage. 

One thing that is striking at this point is that the husband never stops telling her how beautiful she is.  His expressions started in the courtship, expanded on the marriage night, and continues into the maturing love. 

Who is this who shines like the dawn- as beautiful as the moon, bright as the sun, awe-inspiring as an army with banners?
Song of Songs 6:10 (HCSB)

But soft! What light through yonder window breaks?
It is the East, and Juliet is the sun!
Arise, fair sun, and kill the envious moon,
who is already sick and pale with grief
That thou her maid art far more fair than she.
-Romeo and Juliet William Shakespeare

Romantic language is powerful to capture the heart of a loved one.  We would do well to take some time to pay attention to this.  If you struggle with this then consider reading romantic quotes and finding one that you can put into your own words.

We again see the husband praising the beauty of his wife.  Guys are you seeing a pattern here?  

In this verse he comments on her feet  and thighs (Song 7:1).  He is talking about her curves.  The curves of her thighs in particular.  Now talking about a woman's thighs seems like dangerous territory in our modern culture.  We are obsessed with thinness.  It is a cultural sickness that makes women feel inadequate for being... ... well women.  God intended for women to have curves and curves are beautiful.  The husband in this case in is stating as much.  Whose handiwork is her curves?  The Master.  Who is the master that designed his wife?  God.  You see God made a beautiful woman for each husband.  We need to appreciate the beauty of her.  She is a precious creation that is better than fine Jewelry.  And her curves should be satisfying to you!  In addition by appreciating your spouse as a gift from the Master you avoid turning them into a sexual object (idol). 

He continues moving up to her belly (Song 7:2).  He describes her navel as a drinking bowl that is never empty.  He is continually satisfied with her navel.  He says that her belly (waist) is like a mound of wheat.  There at least three interpretations that could be made here.  The husband is talking about the color of her belly, she is pregnant, or he is continuing to describe her curves (my interpretation).  Again describing her belly may seem like dangerous territory.  However her husband is describing how beautiful it is regardless if it is color, with child, or shape it is beautiful to him!  He also is imagining kissing her body (surrounded by lilies).

As before he talks about her breasts (Song 7:3).  He talks again in this section about how he plans to caress her body and hold her breasts (Song 7:7-8).  He is talking to her an a romantic language and not degrading manner.  Her breast are fruit and sustenance to their sexual intimacy.  Not object of his personal gratification. 

There is an interesting sequence of comparisons that on the surface seem a bit humorous if the try to imagine them.  He neck is a tower of ivory, her eyes like pools Heshbon, and her nose like the tower of Lebanon (Song 7:4).  The neck of ivory is a symbol of noble purity.  The term "ivory tower" has taken a negative connotation in modern times with the rejection of nobility.  In this case she is not stuck up and above others, but has an air of nobility and white is purity.   The pools of Heshbon are deep series of pools that are supplied by underground springs.  They are still since do not have flowing water.  Stillness and calmness are in her eyes.  The tower of Lebanon is a "watchtower."  We do not know what this particular tower looked like so it is not clear if her nose looked like this.  It is more likely though he is praising her watchfulness.  It seems to fit with context Damascus was hostile to Solomon reign (1 Kings 11:23-25).   It says in Song 7:4 that the Tower of Lebanon looks over Damascus.  If this is the case then he is praising her ability to smell (see) danger (mixing metaphors).  Once again as love matures the appreciation of personal characteristics become a part of the attractiveness of your spouse. 

The husband is caught up in looking at the beauty of her hair and her complete loveliness (Song 7:5-6).  He says that her hair is captivating to him.  He can't stop looking at her.  Sad when men stop looking at their wives.  If they stop looking then we can't be captivated.  All to often a man is moving away and it his wife that is chasing him for intimacy.  Look at her.  Love her.  Cherish her.  This will build up your sexual intimacy in your marriage. 

At this point the wife takes over the dialogue. 

It seems they are kissing (Song 7:9).  She is aware and acknowledges her husband's desire for her (Song 7:10).  She then again invites him to the Garden (love making) with all of it's pleasures, passions, sexual excitement, and mutual belongingness (Song 7:11-13).  She talks about mandrakes.  Mandrakes were seen as a fertility drug so it seems she desires to become pregnant (See Gen 30:14-17).  She also says the doors are open to sexual intimacy both new and old that she is treasuring them up.  It seems she is expressing her openness to her husband, remembering old times of sexual closeness, and looking forward to new experiences as well.  Sex is a treasure and not an obligation or dread.  When a spouse begins to dread sex it is no longer intimacy.  It is a good indicator that something is missing in your marriage.  Intimacy has been lost.  Look to see what that is and address it so that you can return to your gardens of pleasure as God intended. 

My hope is that you have found this series on "Marriage Essentials" beneficial.  I pray for your marriage (all marriages) that they would find the original intent, beauty, love, devotion, respect, honor, and excitement that was present on your wedding day and is fitting with what God has intended. 

 

 

Sexual Intimacy According to the Bible II

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In the last post the emphasis was on how the husband was talking to his wife.  In this post we will look at how the wife talks about her husband to others.  One of the most striking things about this passage is that it elevates man's sexuality from the ash heap and cultural stereotypes that have been sold, bought, and held up as a banner over the last 50 years.  Men are sexual no doubt, but whether we are aware of it or not we are every bit as complicated as women when it comes to sexuality and our sexuality is much greater than the act itself. 

What makes the one you love better than another, most beautiful of women? What makes him better than another, that you would give us this charge?
Song of Songs 5:9 (HCSB)

Two of the greatest gifts a wife can give her husband is to appreciate him (his strength, worthiness, adequacy, and masculinity) and be his friend. 

In the Song of Songs 5:10 the wife begins to tell others what makes her husband so special in her eyes.  She starts with saying he is "fit and strong."  Men generally struggle with a deep need to be perceived as strong.  Now the biological reality is that we cannot all be Arnold Swartzenerger.  So most men look to find their prowess in other realms.  Men long for this.  If they do not get it from their wives they will often seek it elsewhere.  This wife continues by saying she sees him as better than ten thousand men.  The word used here is dagal.  It is literally translated banner.  This is a military term used to describe the flag that represents the strength of the troop that it flies over.  Think about that statement, "My husbands honor, strength, protection, and worth is a banner over ten thousand."  That is powerful language.  You don't have to fake it either.  The reality is that your husband has a God given strength that is a banner over 10,000.  Celebrate that strength with him.

She moves on to complement his head of gold and wavy black hair (Song 5:11).  Gold is a symbol of purity.  Men we need to live lives that allow our wives to say that we have a pure head (mind).  If there is sexual brokenness then it must be addressed.  Women I am a firm believer in the restorative power of God's grace.  If your husband struggles with or has struggled with sexual brokenness he needs you to accept him as pure again (by the forgiveness in Christ).  His behavior has not been gold, but God has made him Gold by his grace and mercy.  Many men seem to love their hair or grieve the loss of it.  Some more than others.  It is nice to hear a complement from our wives that they like their husbands hair.  One thing men we should style our hair the way that our wives like it.

The wife talks about his eyes (Song 5:12).  Remember in the last post I talked about eyes being the window to the soul.  Catching each other in the eyes is an act of intimacy.  She continues to look at his face and notices that he smells good (Song 5:13).  That tells me two things.  One she is close enough to his face to smell it and two the husband has taken a bath and put on some cologne.  Both are necessary to have sexual intimacy.  She notices his lips and likely is thinking about kissing them (remember she is describing her husband here he is not actually there). 

She is again noting his strength describing his arms as rods of gold, and his body as a panel of ivory (Song 5:14).  Your husband's arms are there to embrace you passionately.  His strong embrace should be celebrated.  He may not have 6 pack abs, but surely there are physical/emotional/social qualities that you can find that are attractive to you.  

She then moves down to his legs and his physical presence (Song 5:15).  His legs are strong and stable like columns of marble.  It is interesting to note that of all the objects of architecture that seem to last through time columns seem to stand up.  I am not sure that this is what the writer of this meant, but strong legs seem to be a complement of stability and staying power.  Notice the place he is standing is one of purity and righteousness (Pedestals of pure gold).  She also complements his presence.  He is majestic as the choice cedars of Lebanon. 

She returns to his mouth and says that it is sweetness (Song 5:16).  This is likely a reference to what and how he talks to her (less likely his kisses).  Two things to note one he must be saying sweet things and two she is giving him credit.  Men may not admit it, but we like it when wives say, "Do you know how sweet my husband is..."  Most of the time that is not the direction of the conversation.  It more often male bashing.  We may laugh in the moment, but when a man is emasculated in front of others sexual intimacy suffers and that is not funny. 

She also says he is desirable.  Men long to be desired by their wives.  A whole industry is built around the false illusion that there is a woman that desires the man (pornography).  I don't say this to make you feel that you are in competition with the industry.  Rather you have an opportunity to give him what he longs for, a woman that desires him.  This is real and much more satisfying than the image.  What is more it is sanctioned by God as a good thing.  Having a wife that desires her husband is a real turn on to a man. 

She concludes with two very important statements about sexual intimacy with males (Song 5:16).  First she describes him as her lover.  She is saying that she is sexually available for her and he is sexually available for her.  It is destructive to a marriage to not be available to each other.  It is equally destructive to be available for the sex act, but not be available for sexual intimacy.  If you struggle with either of these problems it needs to be addressed.  You will strengthen your marriage bond in doing so.  Pretending like it will get better is foolish (because it usually does not).  Men who experience sexual intimacy with their wives do not go have affairs generally.  So it also protects your marriage. 

The last thing she says is that he is her friend.  There is a statement I heard once in a marriage seminar, "Men do not question if their wives love them, but they often question whether their wives really like them."  When I have shared this with men I get a strong affirmation that this is how they feel.  Women need to be heard, and men need to be liked.  By the way friendship in this way is different for men than for women.  So learn what it means to your husband to be a friend and become his best friend.  It will strengthen your sexual intimacy as a result. 

I hope that this post will elevate your husband's sexuality out of the gutter of "men are lustful visual creatures that need to engage in regular sex or they will stray" to God's ideal for masculine sexuality.  Men we need to aspire to confront the lies that are being told about our sexuality and that to a certain extent we have bought into and believed about ourselves.  It is time to tear down the banner lifted up by false view of male sexuality (created by a godless culture) and raise the banner that God has given us in his word.  We are more dignified than what the world says about us and it is time that we view our sexuality though God's eyes and act accordingly.

As always blessings to you!

Sexual Intimacy According to the Bible

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The Song of Songs is representative of health sexuality in marriage.  I will in the next posts share with some of the Bible teaches on sexual intimacy.  I have been reading an commentary by Mark E Washburn called "To Find and Enjoy the Love of Your Life."  In this book he helps to bring to light the symbolism as well as the cultural idiosyncrasies of the book.  I would recommend it. 

Song of Songs 4:1-5:1 represents a couples first night together.  In this we see a natural progression of the consummation of marriage vows.  Most of the verses focus on what the husband is saying to his new bride.  The interesting thing about this text is that it is graphic without being pornographic.  It is a beautiful expression of God Plan for sexual intimacy. 

How beautiful you are, my darling. How very beautiful! Behind your veil, your eyes are doves. Your hair is like a flock of goats streaming down Mount Gilead.
Song of Songs 4:1 (HCSB)

On this wedding night the bride maintains her modesty.  Behind the veil her husband takes time to notice her eyes.  There is something about connecting with the eyes.  There is an old English proverb "Eyes are windows to the soul."  Making that eye to eye contact communicates a level of intimacy and trust in the relationship. 

A Casual glimpse of your mate, husband, and failure to look into her eyes is a failure to appreciate what God wants you to see in her heart before and after marriage.
-To Find and Enjoy the Love of your Life

The husband goes on to notice the beauty of her hair.  Verbalizing how beautiful your wife is a part of intimacy. 

Your teeth are like a flock of newly shorn sheep coming up from washing, each one having a twin, and not one missing. Your lips are like a scarlet cord, and your mouth is lovely. Behind your veil, your brow is like a slice of pomegranate.
Song of Songs 4:2-3 (HCSB)

He moves on to her face.  Her teeth, lips, and mouth get his attention.  It seems that she is smiling after his initial complements.  He is drawn to her lips.  We might say your lips are kissable.  Pomegranate has a double meaning it seems.  First his wife has done her best to make her self up.  She has a very deep red make up on her face.  Pomegranate also is a symbol of sexuality.  It was revered as an aphrodisiac in ancient times.  So he is saying that her face is making him excited sexually. 

Side note:  Pomegranates have been found in recent studies to increase male and female libido as well as help with erectile dysfunction.  Those ancients knew what they were talking about.

Your neck is like the tower of David, constructed in layers. A thousand bucklers are hung on it- all of them shields of warriors.
Song of Songs 4:4 (HCSB)

Without understanding the context this verse would seem very odd indeed.  First he is not praising her long neck, which is what I though at first.  It appears that she must have a very fancy necklace on.   The reference to the  "tower of David" and "shields of warriors" is important.  The tower of David had shields of warriors hung on it symbolizing the commitment to protect and defend.  I believe that the husband was not only appreciating the fine jewelry, but also making a statement of protecting and defending their love together. 

Your breasts are like two fawns, twins of a gazelle, that feed among the lilies.
Song of Songs 4:5 (HCSB)

The husband moving down is admiring her breasts.  This is the first time that he has seen them.  In his previous description of her beauty her breasts are left out.  Gazelles are beautiful, sleek, and graceful creatures.  Twins are rare as gazelles usually give birth to only one.  The husband is saying that her breast are a rare beauty.  In Song of songs 5:3 we learn that the husband's lips are compared to lilies, and so it would appear here that he does more than notice the beauty of his wife's breasts, but he also kisses them. 

Before the day breaks and the shadows flee, I will make my way to the mountain of myrrh and the hill of frankincense.
Song of Songs 4:6 (HCSB)

I want to point out how slow this husband is moving toward the act of sex (until the early morning he will make love to her).  It is important to note that sexual intimacy has a slow moving flow.  We can have sexual intimacy on the quick but it is not nearly as satisfying as if we move slowly with our spouse.  Appreciate the mutual attraction for one another.  Allow love's passion to draw you in don't force raw desire. 

He continues to talk about her breasts.  He is smelling the perfume that she has been keeping between her breasts for this occasion (Songs 1:13).  This is a moment of intense passion. 

You are absolutely beautiful, my darling, with no imperfection in you.
Song of Songs 4:7 (HCSB)

The husband has noted 7 things about his wife that express her beauty.  Seven is the number of perfection.  He is expressing her perfect beauty.  It also is a number that represents God.  It could be that he is praising God for giving him a beautiful wife. 

Try it out.  See if you, husband, can name seven beautiful features that you see in your wife.  Obviously some of her features others will notice as well as yourself.  Then there will be some features that you may regard as beautiful others may not see or appreciate.
-To Find and Enjoy the Love of Your Life

You have captured my heart, my sister, my bride. You have captured my heart with one glance of your eyes, with one jewel of your necklace. How delightful your love is, my sister, my bride. Your love is much better than wine, and the fragrance of your perfume than any balsam.
Song of Songs 4:9-10 (HCSB)

The husband is head over heals in love with her.  There is an unfortunate belief in male culture that some how it is unmanly to allow a woman to capture your heart.  There are expression of "whipped man" comes to mind.  It seems that it is more important to maintain a sense of respectable independence than to please the woman he loves.  To be sure such a man has not allowed his wife to capture his heart.  True sexual intimacy will be hard to come by if this does not occur.  He goes on to say that the love of his wife is better than any earthly pleasure.  He is devoted to her love.  Side note:  The expression "my sister" might weird us out in our modern culture.  However it is an expression of a deep close protective relationship.  Not that he sees her as his biological sister. 

Your lips drip sweetness like the honeycomb, my bride. Honey and milk are under your tongue. The fragrance of your garments is like the fragrance of Lebanon.
Song of Songs 4:11 (HCSB)

Things are moving along.  After sharing more about his love for her he begins to passionately kiss her on the lips.  This is no mere peck.  This is sweetness, honey and milk deep passionate kissing (note the tongue is involved here).  He continues to be intoxicated by the smell of her.

My sister, my bride, you are a locked garden- a locked garden and a sealed spring.
Song of Songs 4:12 (HCSB)

The passion of the moment draws them ever closer to the moment of marital bliss.  Notice that she is locked up.  This is an expression of virginity.  This is their wedding night after all.  He goes on to describe her garden in Songs 4:13-15.  There is the pomegranates again. Except now it is not a mere slice, but tree containing "a paradise of Pomegranates."  Needless to say the husband is quite overcome with sexual desire toward his wife. 

Fountains and Springs are occasionally used in the Bible to express sexual intimacy between a husband and wife.  This is a shared fountain and spring.  It is to be exclusive.  Proverbs 5:15-20 admonishes that sexuality be expressed exclusively between a husband and wife using this imagery. 

Awaken, north wind- come, south wind. Blow on my garden, and spread the fragrance of its spices. Let my love come to his garden and eat its choicest fruits.
Song of Songs 4:16 (HCSB)

And with that the husband is invited to enjoy his wife.  Note a couple of things.  The act of sex after a long period of foreplay is initiated by the invitation of the wife.  The husband has not forced himself upon her.  What is more is the wife says "his garden."  We would do well to recognize that sexual intimacy is carried in the basket of mutual respect and mutual belongingness.  That is to say one does not ever do anything that is violation of the other (they are invited) and each recognizes that his/her body is not their own (1 Cor 7:3-4). 

I have come to my garden-my sister, my bride. I gather my myrrh with my spices. I eat my honeycomb with my honey. I drink my wine with my milk.

Eat, friends! Drink, be intoxicated with love!
Song of Songs 5:1 (HCSB)

The husband and wife enjoy their sexuality with each other.  Sexual intimacy has been achieved.  Notice that the husband expresses is deep satisfaction with what has just happened.   It has been fulfilling experience for him (and for her I suspect). 

This last phrase is seen by commentators as the voice of God.  He is expressing His blessing on the sexual intimacy that has just occurred.  May you be intoxicated with love for your spouse.  If you are not married then may you remain as a locked Garden or a sealed fountain until you can share that special intimacy with your spouse some day.  God bless you all.

Sexual Intimacy (True and False Contrasted)

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In understanding sexual intimacy one has to recognize that there is a difference between the act of sex and sexual intimacy.  In fact you can have sex without sexual intimacy and you can have sexual intimacy without sex.  I think many will be puzzled with the last half of that statement.  Yes it is possible to have sexual intimacy without the act of sex.  I believe it would be helpful to define what is sexual intimacy. 

Adam was intimate with his wife Eve, and she conceived and gave birth to Cain. She said, "I have had a male child with the Lord's help."
Genesis 4:1 (HCSB)

At first glance the use of the word intimate would appear to be a euphemism for sex.  However I think there is a deeper spiritual significance here.  The Hebrew Word is "Knowledge of."  Notice the action.  Adam did not "have sex with" Eve.  He "knew" her.  There is no objectification in this picture.  Eve is a person that is known and intimately known at that.  She is not an object of sexual gratification or a means to producing offspring.  Interesting the act of intimacy can be for good or for evil. 

The Lord God said, "Since man has become like one of Us, knowing good and evil, he must not reach out, take from the tree of life, eat, and live forever."
Genesis 3:22 (HCSB)

When you are intimate with someone you are in a very close relationship with that person.  You are aware of him/her.  Your eyes are open to him/her.  You are connected.  You become a part of that person. 

And the man said: This one, at last, is bone of my bone and flesh of my flesh; this one will be called "woman," for she was taken from man. This is why a man leaves his father and mother and bonds with his wife, and they become one flesh.
Genesis 2:23-24 (HCSB)

And she/he becomes a part of you.   When this is applied to the marriage relationship sexual intimacy is the act of becoming knowledgeable about the other's sexuality, connecting with her/him in a sexual way, continuing in intimacy until you are "one with" him/her.  Not to be crass, but sex is just about "getting it." 

The more I think about it the more I become convinced that false sexual intimacy is rooted in aggression and true sexual intimacy is rooted in love and tenderness.  Notice the coarseness of false intimacy.  It about using another for personal gratification.  In one sense enslaving the other for your personal satisfaction. True intimacy on the other hand is about knowing your partner so well that sex is not about getting pleasure (though it is pleasurable no doubt), but rather giving it.  There is a gentleness and tenderness that exists in true intimacy. 

Imagine if you will your sexuality is an expression of what road you are on.  On the one road is false intimacy and the other is intimacy as God has designed.  The false intimacy road is attractive in that it promises easy pleasure, easy gratification, everyone is doing it, it is glamorous, and it feels so good.  True intimacy is a road of commitment, fidelity, hard work, satisfaction, opportunity to love another, compassion, and mutual gratification. 

One thing though for all it puts forward to be false intimacy is a lie!!!!!  It may do some of the things that it promises, but in the end it robs the soul. 

Though the lips of the forbidden woman drip honey and her words are smoother than oil, in the end she's as bitter as wormwood and as sharp as a double-edged sword.
Proverbs 5:3-4 (HCSB)

True intimacy on the other hand is a promise.  It delivers on what it says and gives life to the soul.

You have captured my heart, my sister, my bride. You have captured my heart with one glance of your eyes, with one jewel of your necklace. How delightful your love is, my sister, my bride. Your love is much better than wine, and the fragrance of your perfume than any balsam. Your lips drip sweetness like the honeycomb, my bride. Honey and milk are under your tongue. The fragrance of your garments is like the fragrance of Lebanon.
Song of Songs 4:9-11 (HCSB)

Which path are you on in your marriage.  Is it more important for you to give or get pleasure from sex?  That one question can be very revealing as to what road you are on.  Don't get me wrong.  There is nothing wrong with enjoying sex.  However sex at the expense of knowing and giving pleasure to your spouse has nothing to do with intimacy.  My prayer is that you find the road of true sexual intimacy and your marriage will flourish as a result. 

Sexual Trauma

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Sexual Trauma is a barrier to sexual intimacy.  Trauma comes in many forms.  The most extreme is sexual abuse, but it can come in milder forms.  For example someone with increased sensitivity catching your spouse looking at porn can be a trauma.  Another might be finding out your spouse is having an affair.  Childhood sexual abuse is a sexual trauma.  Sexual trauma is when an event that threatens your well being and the associated feelings become connected to sexual behavior.  Often the associated feelings are subconscious.  They will pop up without understanding or explanation.   Sexual trauma can be from within the marriage or from some other event from the past.  To be clear unwanted sexual behavior of an aggressive nature is abuse whether the couple is unmarried or married.  Forced sexual contact is rape regardless of marital status. 

One of the difficult aspects of trauma is that the memory and associated feelings are often locked into the brain and do not go away.  There can be some relief through various therapies, but it only takes a moment to bring up those feelings from the past.   Imagine if you will a super camera that records everything, sight, sound, smell (very strong in trauma), thought, feeling, sensation.  Now that super camera has an automatic alarm attached to it that is loud enough to wake the soundest of sleepers.  That is what it is like to experience sexual trauma and cues that remind of the past trauma.

Once trauma is encoded into the brain it pretty much becomes a permanent part of that persons life story.  Interesting there are some therapy techniques that help people retell their story so that they can better cope in the present.  This may make coping more effective, yet even in this scenario the trauma is still a part of the life story.   

One of the most unhelpful things you can do if your spouse is struggling with sexual trauma is to tell them to either "get over it" or "stop punishing me."  "Get over it" is irritating and down right disrespectful.  It communicates you are not a safe person to deal with genuine feelings and blames the victim.  Remember your spouse is the victim.  "Stop punishing me" is playing the victim.  You are not the victim in sexual trauma (at least in this hypothetical scenario) your spouse is.  You cannot help your spouse leave the role of victim by playing one yourself. 

Let me just say if you are in a relationship in which trauma is regularly occurring or is severe in nature you need to find a safe place.  Reconciling with a person should be done with the greatest of caution and only after the person has demonstrated a change in heart and change in behavior.  Placing yourself in a dangerous situation is foolishness don't do it!!!!!!

To help a spouse who is a victim of sexual trauma you have to recognize your role in it. 

If you are the person that instigated the trauma you have to make a full admission to your role and take steps to break the behavior that traumatized your spouse in the first place.  You have to take responsibility for these behaviors without blaming your spouse.  Sexual Trauma is often rooted in anger.  You have to be willing to take a look at how you handle anger, frustration, and irritability.  You might need to seek out help of another as you learn to deal effectively with anger.  If you do not then your spouse will not feel safe to allow for sexual intimacy. 

You might be thinking, "But I did not cause this."  It is important to recognize that people who have been traumatized can and often are retraumatized by the behavior of others.  You may not have initiated the trauma, but as the spouse of a victim of sexual abuse you have an obligation to takes steps to not retraumatize them.   You have to be willing to break from those behaviors regardless of how your spouse should feel or not feel safe.  Stated another way:  You cannot help your spouse develop coping skills for past trauma by constantly pulling the scab of the wound.  

If you are the victim of sexual trauma and you desire to have true sexual intimacy with your spouse then you have to take a path of learning to trust another with your body and vulnerably again.  It is not an easy path, but it can be done.  If your spouse is the cause of the sexual trauma and is repentant then you are needing to take the path of going FORTH (see previous post).  You also may want to seek additional help of a counselor, pastor, and/or trusted friend. 

It is sad that in order to accomplish ideal sexual intimacy that we have to address the ugliness of sexual sin whether the guilty party or the victim or the spouse of the victim.  However, we have to take a stand to protect others from trauma and become safe people else we risk becoming part of the problem.  Without repentance (a change of heart and direction) then true sexual intimacy cannot occur. 

One of the most beautiful things that can happen in marriage is that the relationship can be a source of great healing and hope.  If both spouses commit to loving each other in the manner in which you hold the other's needs higher than your own and you enlist the healing power that exists in the grace of God then genuine healing can be the result.  Together you can build sexual intimacy and overcome the past sexual trauma through a safe, compassionate, loving, caring marriage.  If it is lost then it can be restored if both spouses seek it.  If it is present then your marriage is a place of great worth. 

Two Barriers to Sexual Intimacy

There are many areas that I believe that need to be addressed in the context of healthy sexual intimacy.  The first two have to do with sexual brokenness and false intimacy which I will cover in this post.  These two form a barrier to intimacy. 

There are so many people that struggle with sexual brokenness.  I would define sexual brokenness as a state of sexual sin with an intense self-hatred.  You can have sexual brokenness with just about any object live or inanimate.  Some can even have sexual brokenness in sexual behavior with his/her spouse.  The most common sexual brokenness looking lustfully at someone other than your spouse.  It seems that pornography is one of the most common forms of this type of brokenness. There are many other forms of brokenness which I do not have a desire to list out here, but I think that a good definition is some type of sexual arousal/gratification outside the marriage that leads to self-hatred. 

Most that struggle with sexual brokenness feel trapped.  For many it has been a life long struggle.  In case you don't believe there is a serious problem with this then I suggest that you take a look at the statistics from Safe Families.  They have compiled a list of statistics that should open your eyes to the sexual brokenness epidemic.  There are some that refer to sexual brokenness as addiction and others whom argue that addiction is not possible with a natural biological function.  Those that believe it is not an addiction describe these behaviors as obsessive-compulsive or just sinful.  Whether sexual brokenness is rooted in addiction, obsession, or just plain ol' sin people that struggle with it will often experience a feeling of loss of control. 

Sexual brokenness in a marriage is a barrier to sexual intimacy and radical action must be taken for full intimacy to occur.  There are many resources available to help you if you are stuck in this.  Here are some suggested things to review:  Focus on the Family, Pure Intimacy, Setting Captives Free, Every Man's Battle, X3Church (For the younger edgy crowd), and filtering software: Safe Eyes, Covenant Eyes, Bsecure (my recommendation), As well as recommend these post from my Blog: Battle of two natures and Setting your mind on the Spirit.

False intimacy is similar to sexual brokenness in that it is a barrier to sexual intimacy.  In false intimacy your sexuality is bonded with something other than your spouse as fellow companion.  Pornography is a struggle for some with sexual brokenness, but can also be a problem for those who do not.  The false intimacy of porn (whether the soft type that passes for prime time TV or the hard-core found on the internet) is sexual gratification without commitment.  I remember some crass comments when I used to work construction from married men saying, "I can window shop."  This is a false intimacy of the eyes.  It also is a type of gratification without commitment.  Affairs are based on false intimacy.  You can have adultery in affairs, but true sexual intimacy is not possible.  Affairs always are rooted in deception, broken promises, and infidelity.  There can never be true intimacy in such a situation.  Any perceived intimacy in the midst of adultery is false.  There can be false intimacy within the marital relationship as well.  The behavioral repertoire of a couple replaces a true sense of connection.  Emotional, spiritual, and physical intimacy are often diminished or absent in these cases. The behavior surrounding sex can take precedence over the relationship as well in this way sex becomes a form of false intimacy. 

One of the things that drives brokenness and false intimacy is sexual bonding in my estimation.  The brain is a powerful sexual organ.  When people are involved in sexual situations (arousal, or the act itself)  the brain is releasing powerful substances which if came in pill form would either be outlawed or considered a controlled substance.  Some of the Neuro-Chemicals associated with sex are:

epinephrine (adrenaline), testosterone (Male hormone), endorphins (feeling of well being and absence of pain), oxytocin (important substance in feelings of love and bonding), dopamine (reward seeking), serotonin (good mood), phenylethylamine (Endogenous amphetamine) and others

In the process of arousal the sexual image becomes an object of desire.  This occurs whether the image is real, inanimate, or imagined.  With repetition the image becomes more and more imbedded in the brain.  In some ways the image becomes a personal sexual ideal (a sexual idol).  The behaviors associated with this idol become fixed and in many cases automatic (like riding a bike or driving a car).  I will sometimes use the analogy of a well worn rut that when ever the wheels fall into they take you to the same place again.  From a spiritual stand point you begin to worship the idol.  From a neuro-chemical stand point the powerful reward chemicals in your brain released by this activity reinforce the behavior making it more likely that you will engage in this behavior in the future (kind of like a hit from drugs).  The bonding chemicals make you feel connected to the object and/or behavior associated with the object.  It is this bonding that I believe forms the biological basis for false intimacy (and sexual brokenness). 

To combat false intimacy one must first acknowledge it is false.  This is difficult because you have acknowledge something that contradicts what you feel.  Overcoming biology is one of the most difficult things that we can do in life.  The Bible refers to this as "dying to self" and putting to death the deeds of the flesh."  You acknowledge that it is false and determine to starve that sexual idol and refuse to worship it any longer.  Nothing short of a full break will do.  There also must be a reconnection to genuine intimacy.  Making a break without reengaging true intimacy will leave you vulnerable to falling back into false intimacy.  From a spiritual stand point you must turn to God and trust in him.  Turning to your spouse without turning to God puts you at risk of making your spouse an idol and worshiping your spouse as a sexual object and not treating them as a true person. 

You must be on guard against sexual brokenness and false intimacy if you are to have hope of developing true sexual intimacy with your spouse.  There needs to be an acknowledgement of the problem and a clean break from it (repentance).  If you need help along the way talk with a pastor, Christian therapist, or trusted friend.  Seek accountability and more importantly seek the Lord. 

Your Needs

If you are married then God has given you an extraordinary opportunity to store up treasure in heaven. 

Don't collect for yourselves treasures on earth, where moth and rust destroy and where thieves break in and steal. But collect for yourselves treasures in heaven, where neither moth nor rust destroys, and where thieves don't break in and steal. For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also.
Matthew 6:19-21 (HCSB)

Do you treasure your spouse?  If marriage is a spiritual union between man and woman then how much more can be gained in heaven than to invest in the marriage relationship.  It is like a savings account in the sky.  I sincerely believe that one of the treasures that we build in heaven is the time that we invest in other's lives.  That makes your spouse a built in heavenly treasure chest.  Kinda cool if you think about it. 

"If you want to be perfect," Jesus said to him, "go, sell your belongings and give to the poor, and you will have treasure in heaven. Then come, follow Me." When the young man heard that command, he went away grieving, because he had many possessions.
Matthew 19:21-22 (HCSB)

Jesus is plainly telling this fellow that treasure is stored in heaven by meeting the needs of other people (the poor in this case)!

Sell your possessions and give to the poor. Make money-bags for yourselves that won't grow old, an inexhaustible treasure in heaven, where no thief comes near and no moth destroys. For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also.
Luke 12:33-34 (HCSB)

Same message here and he adds that our heart is directed to what we treasure in this life!

Her husband also praises her: "Many women are capable, but you surpass them all!"
Proverbs 31:28-29 (HCSB)

TREASURE: A thing of highly-estimated value
Orville Nave, "TREASURE," in Nave's Topical Bible: A Digest of The Holy Sciptures, (New York: Topical Bible Publishing Co., 1896), WORDsearch CROSS e-book, Under: "TREASURE".

We treasure our spouses by praising them and building them up.  When we esteem them in public and with family!  We express the great value they are to us and what we find valuable in them. 

Let your fountain be blessed, and take pleasure in the wife of your youth. A loving doe, a graceful fawn- let her breasts always satisfy you; be lost in her love forever. Why, my son, would you be infatuated with a forbidden woman or embrace the breast of a stranger?
Proverbs 5:18-20 (HCSB)

We treasure our spouses when we are loyal to them without turning to others for emotional, physical, spiritual, and sexual false intimacy.  We also treasure our spouses when we meet our spouse's genuine and legitimate need for emotional, physical, spiritual and sexual intimacy.

In the same way, older women are to be reverent in behavior, not slanderers, not addicted to much wine. They are to teach what is good, so they may encourage the young women to love their husbands and to love their children.
Titus 2:3-4 (HCSB)

Husbands, love your wives and don't be bitter toward them.
Colossians 3:19 (HCSB)

We meet our spouse's needs when we love them in the way that God asks us to and in the example that he provides.  This is a sacrificial self-giving love. 

Husbands, in the same way, live with your wives with an understanding of their weaker nature yet showing them honor as co-heirs of the grace of life, so that your prayers will not be hindered.
1 Peter 3:7 (HCSB)

To sum up...the wife is to respect her husband.
Ephesians 5:33 (HCSB)

We meet our spouse's needs when we understand, honor, and respect them. 

We honor our wives when we proclaim their beauty.  Not vain beauty of the world (which is really a false image dare I say an idol), but the true beauty that exists as being a woman of God that is valued and precious in your sight. 

Wives you honor your husbands when you celebrate his accomplishments, willingness to go to work for you and family (no matter how small or great the income may be), and the fact that he would lay down his life for you. 

When we work to meet the needs of our spouse we are making an investment in this life and in the next.  We invest in this life because our marriage is blessed by the effort.  We invest in the next because we store treasure in heaven.  May God richly bless your treasure seeking, but more than that may God richly bless the treasure chest that is your marriage. 

Not sure what to do?  Consider the Love Dare as a start!

Spiritual Intimacy II

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Husbands, in the same way, live with your wives with an understanding of their weaker nature yet showing them honor as co-heirs of the grace of life, so that your prayers will not be hindered.
1 Peter 3:7 (HCSB)

This passage gives insight into the spiritual nature of marriage.  I have already written about my understanding of weaker nature in a previous post.  I believe that there is scarcely a more important spiritual discipline than prayer.  This passage from the Bible place marriage in highest esteem among spiritual disciplines.  Follow my logic if you will.  This passages suggests that effective prayer is subordinate to understanding and honoring your spouse (wife in this case).  That is a profound statement in my estimation.  Earnest prayer can be hindered by broken marriage relationship. 

Spiritual significance of understanding your spouse

Understanding is one of the greatest gifts that you can give another human being.  This should especially be true in marriages.  The gift of understanding touches a deep emotional level that releases feelings of good will.  Understanding in a marriage can go much deeper than the emotional level.  There is a connection that occurs in which the other person becomes so connected that they often understand the other person without ever having to express it with words.  I would distinguish this from "jumping to conclusions" which typically put the other in a negative light.  It is more concluding how the spouse feels in a compassionate, empathetic, and caring way.  I notice at times when I come home sometimes the day has worn on my wife.  At that moment I can move to a deeper spiritual understanding by being her helpmate (that is fulfill  my spiritual role as her husband) or I can think, "better avoid her she having a bad day."  Understanding in this way is more than a mere thought of "I get it."  It is an understanding that moves to action in the best interest of the other.  When you can do that then you are cultivating spiritual intimacy in your marriage. 

Spiritual significance of honoring your spouse

Both men and women are commanded to honor their spouse.  Men are commanded to honor their wives by appreciating their great value. Women are commanded to honor by respecting their husband.  When a husband and wife act mutually in this manner then they are spiritually intimate.  It is a great blessing when husband treat their wives with the high value that God sees in them and women treat their husbands with the respect they long for.  This type of action is bonding in a deeply spiritual way. 

That is not to say it is always easy to act in this way.  However, if your goal is spiritual intimacy then there is nothing greater than understanding and honoring your spouse.  

Spiritual Intimacy

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This is why a man leaves his father and mother and bonds with his wife, and they become one flesh. Both the man and his wife were naked, yet felt no shame.
Genesis 2:24-25 (HCSB)

Genesis 2:24-25 expresses the spiritual ideal for marriage. 

Leaving the family of origin

It is important to understand the meaning of this leaving.  Some would take this to mean that we must cut off our family of origin.  I have met with couples who take this stance.  They do this to there detriment at times in light of:

Honor your father and your mother so that you may have a long life in the land that Yahweh your God is giving you.
Exodus 20:12 (HCSB)

Some would say that this command is only for children.  However Jesus plainly tells an adult that he is to honor his mother and father in Matthew 19:16-19.  So as you can see either we have a contradiction or the intent of Genesis 2:24 is not to communicate the idea of cutting off.  The idea captured by the word leave is that we are leaving something behind.  It is releasing some object.  Often those objects are a barrier that keeps us from being all that God wants us to be.  In this case holding on to intimacy with your family of origin will get in the way of full intimacy with your spouse.  Take a look at what Adam has just said in this passage:

And the man said: This one, at last, is bone of my bone and flesh of my flesh; this one will be called "woman," for she was taken from man.
Genesis 2:23 (HCSB)

Adam could not find a suitable helper from all of God's Creation.  First it should be recognized that man had a need.  We are incomplete in one sense without our helpmate. "This one" There is only one and not more than one, but "this one" is from me and with me.  There is hardly a more intimate bond that can be expressed than in the marriage relationship.  However not leaving the intimacy of your family of origin is detrimental to intimacy with your spouse. 

Not wanting to be misunderstood, let me plainly say that we need to honor our parents.  This would include listening to them, caring for them, seeking their wisdom, cherishing them, loving them, and respecting them.  This passage has no effect on this part of the relationship with our parents.  However, one must make a spiritual break from his or her parents if they are to experience oneness with his or her spouse. 

Bonding

Bonding is the intimacy that occurs in a relationship that draw two together into one relationship.  Ideally the highest bond is our relationship with God.  Next in order would be our relationship with our spouse.  We bond to our spouse by approaching and holding.  This bond in consummated in the act of sexual intercourse (more on sexual intimacy in a future post).  Often in our free culture with regard to sexual morality we have weakened the bond by reducing the spiritual nature of sexuality into a mere act of gratification and procreation.  Bonding is a process that occurs as the couple meets, get's to know each other, develop trust, become physical, then sexually involved as well as Spiritually intimate.  Ideally the last part occurs in the safety and security of marriage bonds.  When people trade the bonding process for sex (the act not intimacy) then then tend to bond with whatever object is used for sexual gratification (more on this in the Sexual intimacy post). 

Becoming One

It is a great mystery of how two individuals can become one.  It is a spiritual connection that ties them together at the depth of the soul.  This oneness is expressed in all manner of actions and yet the actions themselves do not make a couple one.  For example oneness is expressed in devotion to one another.  However devotion is not a way to achieve oneness.  There is an expression that the whole is greater than the sum of it's parts.  In this case becoming one is greater than the acts that express that oneness.  Magnetic attraction is a useful illustration:

This is two magnets aligned to repel each other.  Note how the magnetic fields do not connect and radiate away from each other.
This one the magnets are still aligned to repel, but are forced together.  It makes a nice flower shape, but still the fields radiate away from each other.
In this one the magnets are separated but aligned to attract each other.  You can see that even though there are two different fields they still are connected.
In this picture the magnets are aligned to attract and are connected.  Notice there is one single new magnetic field that is created.
What is more is that it looks like the magnetic field of a single magnet. "The two shall become one"

Images use with permission Hoadley, Rick.  "Magnet Man".  http://www.coolmagnetman.com  1998-2010

These illustrate spiritual intimacy in this way. If a couple is not aligned spiritually no amount of forcing them together (even with religious doctrine) is going to make them one.  What is more the spirituality of the other is likely going to repel the other away from them.  For example this happens often when a spouse looks at the other and says he/she is not acting according to God's word while not examining whether they are loving or honoring their spouse in the way that God desires them to.   On the other hand, If a couple is aligned spiritually then separation will result in an attraction that pulls the couple back together.  What is more when they come together they become one.   The attraction or repulsion is evidenced by the effect on the two individuals, but the spiritual field is invisible to the naked eye. 

They Were Naked

Spiritual intimacy involves vulnerability at its deepest level.  Believe it or not being comfortable with each other while naked is a good measure of spiritual intimacy in my estimation.  If there is a lack of comfort then it indicates that the spouse has some insecurity that has not been overcome by spiritual intimacy.  That is not to say that you go around naked all the time.  But in those intimate moments there is a deep love and devotion toward each other that transcends nakedness.  There also is a purity spiritually speaking as well.  Note it was not until after sin entered the world that the first couple realized they were naked and they rushed to cover up at that point (see Genesis 3:7).  When sin enters a relationship spiritual intimacy breaks down. 

Feeling No Shame

Negative feelings are destructive to Spiritual Intimacy none more destructive than shame.  Shame seeks a way out, run away, cover up, escape, fight back, blame, close off, avoid, push away, and ultimately cut off.  Being able to come together and experience no shame is a spiritual event in the life of a couple.  It is a feeling of all is right in the world as long as we are together.  Without shame marriage is a place to honor, celebrate, admire, exult, prize your spouse.

Intimacy Lost

There are times when a relationship is broken.  It is not that intimacy is lacking, but rather that it has been significantly altered by some painful event.  This is not the same as those that have been hurt by false intimacy (see here for that subject), but that have had intimacy and had it taken by a painful event and/or desire to get it back.  Sometimes one, the other, or both spouses are to blame.  Other times it is some event that happens outside the marriage that is such a significant trauma that intimacy is lost within the marriage.  These are painful times.  Heartache, fear, distrust, disgust, aversion, coldness, loneliness, grief, and other painful emotions are at the forefront during these times of life.  Marriage because of the potential for intimacy  can be the source of great destruction or great healing during these times depending on how the trauma is handled.  It is unlikely that one can be neutral during these times because to do nothing actually make the relationship destructive (albeit in a more passive way).  Perhaps you are at that place now: an affair, traumatic violence,  serious violation of trust, emotional trauma, significant loss in life, really anything that is a traumatic or a loss in life will fit the bill. 

A list of things that I believe are helpful during these times is to understand when it time to go "FORTH" are Forgiveness, Openness, Respect, Trust, and Healing.  These five concepts are interrelated, but is they also are different.  It is important if you are to restore intimacy to understand the similarity and differences between these five relationship concepts. 

Forgiveness

Forgiveness is the quality of releasing the other person from condemnation for his or her offence.  Condemnation is the act of declaring guilty and holding a person accountable to the fullest extent possible.  Condemnation has no room for grace or circumstances.  To release condemnation is to forgive.  What that means individually is that a person releases his or her personal right (real or perceived) to demand retribution.  Individual forgiveness is different than pardon.  Pardon is given by society or some society representative.  For example a person might forgive a person that assaulted them, but that does not mean they are pardoned for the crime.  Forgiveness also is unique from openness, respect, trust and healing.  A person can forgive and not have the other four.  This is important because recognizing forgiveness as different will avoid you falling into the trap of believing that you have not forgiven or believing that your spouse has not forgiven because they do not trust. 

Openness

One of the casualties in traumatic events is often openness.  It is based somewhat in trust.  However it is different from trust.  Openness is both a measure of the level of trust in a relationship and the mechanism for rebuilding trust in a relationship.   Openness is being accountable, vulnerable, sincere, forthright, and clear.  It is avoiding secretiveness.   It also has a quality of gentle honesty.  I distinguish that from brutal honesty.  Brutal honesty is not openness, but rather is an attack usually meant to punish the other person for bringing the subject up.  Gentle honesty is being transparent while being fully aware of how what your are saying may affect the person that you are talking with.  It is focused more on how you say things over what you are say.  At times there is a tension that exists in that what you have to say may be unpleasant.  Gentle honesty does not hide the unpleasant, but thinks long and hard about timing, manner, and intent of sharing unpleasant information. 

Respect

Respect is another casualty of traumatic events.  This is especially true when the root cause of the trauma lies within the behavior of the other spouse (having an affair for example).  You might wonder about how to respect someone who has done something dishonorable.  I would agree that this is a difficult thing.  However if your goal is to restore emotional intimacy then disrespect will not bring that about and will in fact have the opposite effect on the relationship.  Disrespect is fuel to defensiveness and distrust.  There are times when respect (or disrespect) is learned from previous relationships and displayed in the marriage relationship.  For example if you grow up in a family that does not respect the feelings of others then you will have a greater likelihood that you will have a lack of respect for your spouses feelings and not even be aware that you are doing that.  The substance of respect is positive regard (treating with kindness), courteousness, sensitivity to feelings of the other, endure, give benefit of doubt, value opinion of, and giving of esteem when something good is done. 

Trust

I have said in a previous post that trust is vital element in emotional intimacy.  Not wanting to repeat myself here let me just contrast trust and forgiveness.  Trust is the ability to be vulnerable and entrust your life and emotions with a person that you love.  Forgiveness is a release from the right to retaliate.  They certainly do overlap, but they are different and are on different schedules.  Most of the time when spouses say "You don't forgive me" it is not true.  The fact he or she is willing to show up in counseling is evidence of forgiveness in my estimation.  Unforgiving people do not seek out reconciliation or a way to make the relationship better.  What would be more accurate to say is, "I desire for you to trust me."  In this way the responsibility is shared.  The person who has broken the trust has the obligation to demonstrate trustworthiness and the person who has been offended has to reach a point where they can be vulnerable again.  This is not the same a forgiveness and will take time as the couple grows in trustworthiness and vulnerability.

Healing

I like to use a serious break in the leg as an analogy for healing.  The recovery from a serious complicated break can be relatively short to a extensive.  It depends on many factors (type of break, whether surgery is needed, bone health, activity level before and after the break, etc).  Even when a break is healed there may be times that in cold weather or if you step just in a certain way that you will have a painful reminder of the break.  Stated another way there is never a complete healing 100%.  Recovery is lifelong to a certain extent. 
In the same way psychological trauma is never 100% healed.  I raise this issue because I want to contrast it with the issue of forgiveness.  A person will experience painful emotions for a long time after a trauma or serious loss.  However, painful emotions is in no way indicative of a lack of forgiveness.  The painful emotions are there because you are human and are still in a process of healing and recovery.  There should never be guilt over painful emotions either in the form of guilt trip (by the other) or by self reproach (why can I just get over it).  Healing takes time and will often be the last to occur in this list of five things (sometimes life long). 
That being said emotional intimacy can be forged in the process of healing.  If the person that is supporting recovery of the other becomes an agent of healing then they form of bond with that person that is extremely strong, even when the person is at fault for the trauma in the first place.  The key to healing painful emotions is to avoid the guilt trap.  Guilt turns painful emotions into suffering.  You have to accept the feelings of pain whether you are the person experiencing them or if you are the person wanting to support.  Together healing will bring the emotional intimacy that you long for.  The difficulty is that it takes time and progress is measured by months if not years depending on the type of trauma.  End the end it is worth it if you are willing and your spouse is the person that is willing to take the journey with you. 

If this describes your relationship I pray that you will seek and receive the healing you are looking for.  If you are the support person then I pray that you will be come the agent of healing for your spouse for better or for worse.  God bless you.  If this does not describe you consider supporting another couple that is going through a hard time as a support toward healing and reconciliation.