Speak the Truth in Love (Good Communication)

Speaking the truth in love requires good communication in my estimation.  If you are just talking to get your point across then really you are just using persuasive speech and not solid relationship affirming communication.  Persuasive speech does not require an intimacy of relationship.  It does not require mutual understanding.  It does not even require the person speaking to take a turn listening.  Good good communication does require these though. Let's take a closer look at the process of good communication.

Levels of Intimacy In Marriage

Well I have not posted in quite a while.  But that does not mean that I have given up on blogging.  Maybe I can get back into the swing of things.  A lot has happened in my life, but that will have to wait for another post perhaps.  I wanted to talk about levels of intimacy in marriage.
In my counseling experience I have learned that there can be different types of intimacy (Emotional, physical, sexual, and spiritual; See Here).  With each of these there can be levels or depth of intimacy as well.  I have attempted to sort out how to communicate this to the couples that I work with in building a loving and caring marriage.  I have come up with a very complex way of looking at it that would take a book to explain.  Most people lose interest if it cannot be explained simply.  The other day I was attempting to explain levels of intimacy and I came up with three words that help clarify this in a very simple way.  These words are Thoughtfulness, Sensitivity, and Understanding.  Each of these represents different actions.  Each of them also can represent greater intimacy.

Intimacy of the Eyes

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There is a level of intimacy and vulnerability communicated with the eyes. It occurs in the moment that a couple is wed and the pastor says, you may now kiss the bride. You can see it in each of their eyes that loving gentle kind connection that bonds each other in intimacy. It would be cool if we could capture that moment in a bottle and keep it cherish it, hold it I think it would be an amazing thing. It is almost as if a moment of eternity is captured in that look. What happens when we stop looking?

There are many reasons for it to happen. Let's face it life is filled with things to do. Got to go to work, got to pick up the kids, got to go to the store, got to take care of the yard, got to wash the dishes, got to cook supper, got to ... Then there is the want to's Want to get a new house, want to get a new car, want to get a new job, want to watch the latest movie, want to go out with friends, want to stay home and relax, want to... Then there are the hurts. Big or small they are the unresolved moments of thoughtlessness, selfishness, neglect, and aggravation. These moments can loom large in our minds. When we hold on to these moments they kill the look of eternal. The look of intimacy is replaced with "if looks could kill."

When we stop looking we loose something of intimacy. The bond is weakened. Consider this story:

There once was a merchant in search of a very fine pearl. He looked round the world in hopes that he would find it. He search high and low near and far. He happened upon this pearl in an obscure market in some far off land. He knew that at that moment he must have that pearl. However, he had a great dilemma; he had spent all of his money in search of this pearl. So he returned home longing to find a way to purchase that pearl. In his minds eye he could see the beauty of the pearl. The opulence of such a magnificent object captured his soul. He noticed (again from memory of it) the way it shimmered in the light like a soft beautiful white dove nesting with her young. Just a glimpse of it would draw you into eternities breath. "Too beautiful" he thought, "too beautiful to be pining away in some way off corner of the world." He determined to find a way to get that pearl.

He looked around for things that he could sell. He sold his car; he cashed out his stocks, and bonds; he took out a personal loan from his family. With money in his hand he set out again to purchase the pearl. He found the pearl just as he had remembered it in the obscure market. He paid the price with just enough money left to cover his trip home.

When he returned home he crafted a special pedestal on which to display the pearl. He found special lighting on it so that it would reveal the milky opalescent perfection that was the great pearl. He then decided to have a party. He invited all of his friends to see this pearl. They were all amazed at his find. Even more amazed at the lengths he went to get the pearl. Some said, "It certainly is a fine pearl, but the cost seems too much." His friends admire the pearl, but only the merchant could really see the pearl and its worth.

Think of it for a moment. The great value that the merchant place on the pearl through the act of looking. Notice how he cherishes it, sacrifices for it, and celebrates it. All from seeing the object of his pleasure. Now imagine that our story takes a turn.

Everyday at first the merchant would give pause to look upon this pearl. He would spend hours, just soaking in the beauty of its luster. As time passed he realize that he needed to get back to work for he was in debt over the pearl and would need to pay these off. He reasoned, "It was certainly worth it!" He very eagerly go to work with thoughts of his beautiful pearl at home. He would even talk about it in the market place. Some people even tried to make deals for him to sell it. He said, "No way it is not for sale. It is my prized possession." He would come home at night exhausted. He would spend some time looking at his pearl saying, "What a fine pearl." After some more time passed he would be caught up with the business of his market place. He was quite the business man and brought in a good income. The more that he experience success the more that he had to spend time to keep the success going. Meanwhile his time with the pearl became less and less. He kept up the care of the pearl for a time. Taking it up regularly to dust it off and polish it. He would replace the light as it burned out.

However, his care began to wane. He would forget to polish it. A dusty layer began to obscure its beauty. He noticed the great pearl less and less. One time he was mindlessly walking and ran into the pedestal in the middle of the room. He thought to himself, "This is a strange place to put a pedestal. It seems like it is really in the way." So he set the pedestal aside. As he did this he cleaned off the dust and adjusted the light to shine on the pearl. He remembered when he first laid eyes on the great pearl. How perfect it seemed. After a few minutes he was snapped back and thought, "I got to get back to work."

The pearl stayed in that place for a long time. The light burned out; the dusty layer returned. The man would notice the pearl out of the corner of his eye occasionally. But over time it became part of the background. The pearl was not greater and no worse than the lamp that used to illumine its beauty. It was like that old book that sat on the shelf beside it. One time that book was read and loved, but now it just sits there waiting to be rediscovered.

Eventually the merchant would pass by the great pearl without a look at all. He would not pay it any attention. It blended into the background of his life. In some ways it became invisible to him. Neglect, busyness, lack of care, what ever it was the Pearl had been cast aside. How? How could such a great pearl, such a wonder that would hold the affection of this merchant be now lying in some obscure corridor without much attention paid to it all?

In short the merchant stopped looking. He failed to appreciate the pearl and eventually lost interest. I wonder how often we loose great things in our lives simply because we stop looking. I encourage you to always look and see the real value of the pearl in your life.

God Bless You

Circles of Confidence part II

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Friends of Christ

No one has greater love than this, that someone would lay down his life for his friends.
John 15:13 (HCSB)

Before we look at some of the friends of Christ I want to examine his teaching on friendship.  At the heart of friendship is a love that is sacrificial.  Without sacrificial love there can be no greater confidence and intimacy has reached its limit.  There are people who can live this way.  They have enough confidence in humanity to accomplish particular tasks (eg fellow workers), but they never go beyond.  Their circle of confidence never allows for others to come near them.  In doing this they protect themselves from being hurt.  However they tend to live lives of isolation and loneliness. 

You are My friends if you do what I command you.
John 15:14 (HCSB)

This verse can have double application I believe.  Jesus' is clearly saying when we love with a sacrificial love then we are His friends.  I think by implication when we do not love this way then we are not acting like friends of Jesus.  The other application I believe is that a friend will fulfill the request of another friend.  Don't get me wrong we must hold Jesus in higher regard than other friends, but if a friend asks you to do something and you do not do it then how is it that person is your friend.  In this way it seems to me that most friendships are killed by neglect and not by angry actions. When what we do does not match up with what we say or believe then we lack integrity.  This lack of integrity is destructive to relationships.  For example, If I say I believe in the Grace and Forgiveness of God, but I do not treat others graciously or in a forgiving manner then I lack integrity and people will question and/or reject my friendship and I am rejected by God (See Matthew 18:32-35). 

...I have called you friends, because I have made known to you everything I have heard from My Father.
John 15:15 (HCSB)

A friend is a person that shares important parts of what they know.  Openness is a good measure of friendships.  When a person starts to withhold information from another then friendships wither.  A lack of openness usually is a good measure of a lack of confidence.  This lack of confidence can be in certain areas of the relationship.  For example I may have high confidence that a friend will help me with a job around the house, but low confidence that they could help me with a emotional problem.  That is OK.  We will see that Jesus had fewer people that He put higher confidence in than those who were simply His friends.  So varying degrees of confidence is not a bad thing in itself. 

In this Jesus is making known to his friends what He is hearing from our Heavenly Father.  We to can make intimate things know about our relationship with God as well as intimate part of our lives.  As our confidence grows then so does our ability to be intimate in our relationships.  Jesus did not do this with everyone though.  In the same manner we need to discern who is a friend and who is not. 

You did not choose Me, but I chose you...
John 15:16 (HCSB)

Here we can again see a double meaning in this passage.  Jesus is saying that he chose His friends to be the continuation of His ministry here on earth.  His friends were going to establish the Church and tell others about the Good News of Salvation through Christ.  It also says that Jesus chose His friends.  In the same manner we to should choose our friends.  All to often people let others to choose them as friends.  Sometimes they are lucky and other times not so.  Keeping your eyes open and paying attention to how people talk about other, how they treat others, and to a certain extent trusting your convictions is a good way to discern who would be a good friend. 

In short then Jesus teaches that friendship involves sacrificial love, willingness to do things that a friend asks, openness, and a choice (discernment) of friends.  God willing I will look at the people that were friends of Christ.  God Bless You.

Circles of Confidence Part I

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There is a belief that confidence in another person has to be an all or nothing.  However we can have degrees of confidence that allows us to have more and less intimate relationships with others.  The greater the confidence the greater the intimacy.  One of the realities is that the greater the intimacy the greater the hurt when someone betrays that trust.  However God does not intend for us to life a life of isolation.  So how do we decide the level of confidence to place into others.  I propose that we take a look at the life of Christ to see how he handled the levels of trust, by what I call Circles of Confidence. 

From the Scriptures I can find ten circles of trust for our Lord: Money Changers (John 2:14-16), The hypocrites (Matthew 23:27-28), The Crowds (Matthew 4:25), the 120 disciples (Acts 1:15; Acts 1:21-22), The 70 sent (Luke 10:1), good friends (John 11:5), The twelve (Luke 9:1), The Three Closest Disciples (Luke 8:51; Luke 9:28; Mark 14:33), and Abba Father (Mark 14:36).  If you can think of these 10 circles each within the other with the most outside circle having the lowest level of confidence (even distrust) and the innermost circle (ie God) the highest level of confidence. 

Money Changers

Interestingly this is the only group that Jesus took specific action against (Matthew 21:12-13; Mark 11:15-17; John 2:14-16).  I do not want to draw this out too far.  Jesus' passion for His Heavenly Father was so intense He was moved to take action against those taking advantage of others genuinely seeking God.  They also served as a barrier to the poor seeking out God.    In the same respect anyone that would prevent others from seeking the Lord or take advantage of the poor are worthy of our distrust.  These are the people that are without care and compassion for others to the point that they have seared their conscience.  At times these people can be very hurtful and antisocial.  At others they can have the appearance of being helpful or desiring to help out. 

The Hypocrites

Those that Jesus identified as hypocrites were the religious leaders of His day (Matthew 23).  They acted righteous but lacked true spirituality and were short in grace and mercy (Matthew 23:23-24).  Jesus had harsh words for these.  It is fair to say that he had no confidence in them as well as there ability to be spiritual leaders.  He challenged them on the basis that they were educated in God's word and should have known better.  This is a bit different than someone who does not know God's word, but acts hypocritical (ie says one thing and does another).  These were the ultimate actors.  They had no problem proclaiming thier own self-importance.  Yet God's word convicts them (Matthew 15:7-9).  People that stand in self-righteousness judgment of others using religion to do this are the type of people that are worthy of no confidence.  Don't get me wrong people are to be discerning.  Some people use "don't judge" line to avoid accountability and conviction of sin.  We just need to work on our own log in our eye before moving to others specks (Matthew 7:5).  Jesus had no logs so He could see clearly.  Do you see clearly?  Sometimes our lack of trust has more to do with log in our eye than the other person's trustworthiness. 

The Crowds

Everywhere Jesus went He seemed to draw a crowd.  Jesus had compassion on these (Matthew 9:36), yet he did not entrust them to know and understand his mission (Matthew 13:10-11).  In some respects Jesus' confidence was neutral toward the crowds.  He was willing to share and be a part of their lives.  On the other hand He did not entrust them until they demonstrated some level of commitment to be disciples (See Luke 9:57-62).   I believe that when we are dealing with people in general  that we can have compassion and concern for them.  However we cannot just accept everyone into higher levels of confidence.  We risk being hurt if we extend confidence inappropriately (Matthew 7:6).  The goal should be to minister to needs and get to know them, but avoid higher levels of intimacy until they demonstrate a level of trustworthiness.

The Disciples (not the 12)

There is a group of people that followed Christ through his ministry.  Five hundred were witnesses of his resurrection (1 Corinthians 15:6).  One hundred and twenty were still waiting in Jerusalem at the time of Pentecost (Acts 1:15).   Some left at the difficulty of Jesus' teaching on Body and Blood being bread and wine of redemption (John 6:61; John 6:66). 

In our circle of friends and acquaintances we have people that we share common beliefs with.  We share a confidence with them because of these common beliefs.  At times these beliefs draw us together and at others they pull us apart.  There also is a level of commitment to these beliefs.  Notice that 500 diminished to 120 over the approximately 50 days following Christ's resurrection.  This tells me that not all those that share our beliefs are worthy of high confidence.  That is not to say that you are distrust them, just that your confidence would be medium until you were able to see if there actions match their beliefs.

The 70 Sent

Jesus entrusted these with a mission of spreading the Gospel (Luke 10:1-18).  At times we are tied to others with a specific purpose.  That is to say there is a specific task that is assigned.  This can occur in work relationships, church relationships, and community relationships.  If there is a task that needs to be accomplished it requires a moderate level of confidence in those doing the work.  Without confidence either the task is never given or it is sabotaged by an attitude of, "you probably won't be able to do this, but..." There is an expression in this section "a worker is worthy of his wages (v 10)."  Providing for the needs of those who are working is an expression of confidence.  Notice it is not the quality of work per sey that is worthy, but the work in and of itself (See Matthew 20:1-16).  It also leads me to believe that an expression of unworthiness is really robbing a person of just wages if they are making a sincere effort.   I have no doubt that in the midst of the Seventy there were those with greater skill and talent.  There also were those that shall we say less than perfect.  We know that some were quite excited about the power to cast out demons more than they were excited that they were in a saving relationship with Christ (Matthew 10:20). 

I am going to break here.  My next post will deal with the friends of Christ, the 12 apostles, and the three closest disciples.  So far we have covered two groups worthy of distrust (money changers, and hypocrites) those that take advantage of others who are weak, those that use religion for personal gain, those that stand in the way of others sincerely seeking God,  and those that use religion to promote there own righteousness and stand in judgment of others.  Then we talked about those that are neutral in confidence.  That is to say they are neither trusted or distrusted, but treated with compassion and a desire to meet their needs and get to know them better.  Moving in to a medium level of confidence we have those that share our beliefs and values.  We ended with those that we have a moderate level of confidence for the purpose of accomplishing a task at work, church, or in the community.  These we have enough confidence in them to believe they will accomplish the task at hand. 

I hope that you find this helpful.  God Bless You!

Confidence Restored?

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There is a financial term "full faith and credit" which means the unconditional commitment of one party to back the the interests and principle of another's debt.  An example of this is the most recent mortgage loan crisis with our government "bailing out" finical institutions who had large amounts of mortgage debt that were worth less than the properties used to take on that debt (due to falling real estate prices).  The US Government bought many of these debts, but more than that they gave "full faith and credit" to help other institutions secure capital so that they could start lending money again to lower mortgage interest rates and stabilize the housing market.  Well I think the jury is still out as to whether this will work in the long run, but the point is this.  The expectation is that the US government will not default on it's loan obligations.  That makes these investments much lower risk, because if things go badly the US Government will bail us out. 

This illustration is much more meaningful when we apply it to our relationship with God and with others.  A person that has a relationship with God can rely on and trust in the "full faith and credit" of God's goodness, mercy, provision, loving-kindness and so on.   That is to say our commitment of Confidence has less to do with the character of the person that we are trusting and more to do with our confidence that God will work things out.  Stated another way, "I trust you not because you are a guarantee, but because even if things go poorly God is big enough to bail both you and me out, by His great mercy and grace."  Ultimately your trust in others ought to be an expression of your trust in God. 

Love is patient, love is kind. Love does not envy, is not boastful, is not conceited, does not act improperly, is not selfish, is not provoked, and does not keep a record of wrongs. Love finds no joy in unrighteousness but rejoices in the truth. It bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.
1 Corinthians 13:4-7 (HCSB)

Confidence in another person really is an expression of love.  Notice above it says love does not keep a record of wrongs, bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, and endures all things.  At first glance this seems a rather silly notion to the natural man.  But this verse must be understood in the context of our relationship with God and in light of our future with Him. 

Keeping record of wrongs is the opposite of confidence.  Face it we are all weak in our character.  We all have major flaws.  You don't have to go very far to discover a weakness in yourself or in others that you have a close relationship with.  Keeping a record of wrongs is like going on an investigation of why I should break off this relationship.  You will always find evidence.  The end result is a heart filled with discontent and suffering.  Don't get me wrong being hurt by someone will often take a long time to heal.  You also will likely remember the thing that hurt you for a long time, possibly for the rest of your life.  The difference is being reminded of a hurt is not the same as "let me tell you how you have hurt me."  The difference is in part an attitude that throws it in another's face versus what can I learn to grow from this painful experience. 

Bearing all things leads to a restoration of confidence. The word bear in the Greek is a beautiful word picture.  The root word means roof.  The picture is to cover (ie roof) in silence.  A person who has confidence in the other person will cover them in silence.  What does that mean?  To me it is an expression of not airing dirty laundry.  It can also mean that the relationship is protected and covered without fanfare or celebration.  Think about your roof.  It probably does not get much notice until it stops working.  It covers in silence.  Yet can you imagine your life with out it?  In the same way bearing all things builds up and if needed restores confidence in a relationship. 

Believing all things I must admit is a hard one for me to receive.  As I read that phrase my first thought is I must be a fool to believe all things.  Is that not being naive?  When we look at the Greek for believe then it really opens this up to the purpose of these series of posts.  In this case the meaning is to commit, entrust, give credit, and have faith.  Given that it seems to draw us even deeper in to unconditional credulity.  However I can think of other passages that encourage us to be discerning (1 Corinthians 2:14; Hebrews 5:14).  So then this statement cannot be unconditional belief in all things.  I believe that what is being described here is a disposition to believe in a person and their motives.  When this quality is lost in a relationship then confidence is lost and trust along with it.  The only way to restore confidence is to return to a disposition of trust and faith in the other person (ie believe all things).  Otherwise the opposite disposition becomes a poison well that slowly kills the relationship. 

Hoping all things looks toward the future with a positive outlook for what could be.  This type of hope is the root of Christian faith (Romans 8:24-25).  In relationships it is hope for a better future.  This kind of hope is more than wishful thinking.  It is confidence (there is that word again) that through commitment, hard work, and God's grace the relationship will be a blessing.  So often we are hopeless about ourselves or others.  Hopelessness destroys confidence.  Without confidence there is no trust. 

Endure all things?  But why should I do that?  First consider that if a person endures trials in a righteous manner they are rewarded in heaven (see James 1:12).  There is a kind of endurance that is really just learned helplessness.  It is a resignation to suffer through it, because that is all we can do is suffer.  That type of endurance is destructive.  The type of endurance that is being describe here is when a person perseveres through the pain, suffering, trials knowing that there is something better for them in the future.  Learned helplessness is laying down and taking it with barely a whimper.  Biblical endurance is standing up (with the help of the Lord) and walking through fiery trials.  It is the type of confidence that relies on the "full faith and credit" of our Heavenly Father. 

When we place our confidence in others we create an environment where trust can grow.  On the other hand when we remove our confidence we withdraw an essential quality that is needed in healthy relationships.  Over time it will be wither like a plant without water in the hot of a summer.  Confidence is absolutely needed in a growing trusting relationship.  The great news is that we can place our confidence not in the failings of humans, but in the greatness of God's grace and mercy.  We can trust in God to bring our relationships into the light of His glory and the showering of His love. 

God Bless You.

Interaction of Three Dimensions of Trust

These tables gives an idea of how the three dimensions Trustworthiness, Confidence, and Entrusting interact with each other and personality characteristics from my perspective.  The risk of such a chart is that it implies categories.  Let me just say that most of these are on a continuum (scale).  For example you could say high medium or low confidence.  You could also make the case for high, medium, and low trustworthiness.  However, for these charts I am going to stick to two levels on each dimension. 

Warning: these tables are speculative and should be taken with a healthy degree of skepticism.  I do welcome feedback below about your degree of agreement or disagreement with what I have put here as well as any suggestions to improve the model.

Choice Not to Entrust

	High Trustworthiness	Low Trustworthiness
High Confidence in other	Pre-trust (cautious optimism) Self Other fears (eg fear of commitment) Low or unresolved trauma Low self-worth Other Confusion Gentle attempts to understand	Naive Distrust  Self High risk for being hurt if trust is given Poor boundary Naive Other Looking for right moment to take advantage predatory Self-interest
Low Confidence In other	Fear Based Distrust  Self Fear of being hurt Possible History of trauma relationship(s) Need for healing Looking for evidence to not trust Other Regretted breaking of trust High levels of frustration Feeling attacked (defensive) Desire to redeem self Feeling helpless at times	Appropriate Distrust Self Healthy Boundary Healthy sense of self Good Judge of Character Other Likely to move on once it is realized one is not entrusted  Anger Can be vengeful

Choice to Entrust

	High Trustworthiness	Low Trustworthiness
High Confidence in other	Appropriate Trust (Healthy Relationship) Self Love and Respect Feeling secure Openness High intimacy Other Satisfied in relationship Mutual Love and respect Aware of others needs	Blind Trust Self Possibly blind to other's Character Poor self-image low self esteem Victim stance "Need" to be in a relationship Poor judge of Character Other Taking advantage deception for personal gain Self-focused High need for control
Low Confidence in other	Appropriate Risk taking Self Trust can quickly removed at slightest offense Lack of intimacy seems to hold back something Desire to control risks  Other Mild to moderate frustration Moments of impatience otherwise gentle longing for greater intimacy willing to wait for restored confidence Sensitive to needs	Sadomasochistic relationship (High likelihood of abuse) Self self-hatred turned inward Distorted sense of relationships Belief in deserve to be punished feeling trapped or no alternatives Other Self Hatred turned outward Controlling See others as objects not people Openly hostile Lack of respect Disregard for needs of others

In my next posts I will deal more practically with the tree dimensions of trust. 

Three sides of Trust.

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Trust can be a very difficult thing to understand let alone have.  In my experience there are three side to trust: The quality of trust (trustworthiness), the ability to trust (confidence), and the act of trust (entrusting).  I frequently hear the question, "Why don't you trust me!"  It is a painful moment when distrust has become a part of a relationship.  I hope to present some ideas about building trust (or rebuilding it if it has been lost).  Let's start with some definitions.  

trust-wor-thy(trust'w�r'the)
Warranting trust; reliable.
trustworthy. (n.d.) The American Heritage Dictionary of the English Language, Fourth Edition. (2003). Retrieved February 24 2010 from http://www.thefreedictionary.com/trustworthy

trust (trust)
n.
1. Firm reliance on the integrity, ability, or character of a person or thing.
2. Custody; care.
3. Something committed into the care of another; charge.
4.
     a. The condition and resulting obligation of having confidence placed in one: violated a public trust.
     b. One in which confidence is placed.
5. Reliance on something in the future; hope.
v. trust-ed, trust-ing, trusts
v.intr.
1. To have or place reliance; depend: Trust in the Lord. Trust to destiny.
2. To be confident; hope.
v.tr.
1. To have or place confidence in; depend on.
2. To expect with assurance; assume: I trust that you will be on time.
3. To believe: I trust what you say.
4. To place in the care of another; entrust.
5. To grant discretion to confidently: Can I trust them with the boat?
6. To extend credit to.
trust. (n.d.) The American Heritage Dictionary of the English Language, Fourth Edition. (2003). Retrieved February 24 2010 from http://www.thefreedictionary.com/trust

con-fi-dence (kon'fi-d?ns)
n.
1. Trust or faith in a person or thing.
2. A trusting relationship: I took them into my confidence.
3.
     a. That which is confided; a secret: A friend does not betray confidences.
     b. A feeling of assurance that a confidant will keep a secret: I am telling you this in strict confidence.
4. A feeling of assurance, especially of self-assurance.
5. The state or quality of being certain: I have every confidence in your ability to succeed.
confidence. (n.d.) The American Heritage Dictionary of the English Language, Fourth Edition. (2003). Retrieved February 24 2010 from http://www.thefreedictionary.com/confidence

en-trust (en-trust')
tr.v. en-trust-ed also in-trust-ed, en-trust-ing also in-trust-ing, en-trusts also in-trusts
1. To give over (something) to another for care, protection, or performance: "He still has the aura of the priest to whom you would entrust your darkest secrets" (James Carroll).
2. To give as a trust to (someone): entrusted his aides with the task.
entrust. (n.d.) The American Heritage Dictionary of the English Language, Fourth Edition. (2003). Retrieved February 24 2010 from http://www.thefreedictionary.com/entrust

I will be posting more on these three in upcoming posts.  Let me offer an introduction here.  Trust takes two.  What is more the responsibility for trust in a relationship is shared if it is going to be a healthy relationship. 

Both parties have a responsibility to behave in a trustworthy manner.  When there are inconsistencies in this regard it is destructive to trust.  Behaving trustworthy is something that is definitely within your control.  However, let me just say that it is not possible to be perfect.  Trustworthiness is always tempered by our own brokenness.  Brokenness is not an excuse to behave untrustworthy.  You have to make things right if there is going to be trust in your relationship.  On the flipside if you are waiting for perfected trustworthiness before extending confidence to someone you will be waiting a long time as no one has perfection this side of heaven.  Or if you do find someone to trust eventually they will let you down "Familiarity breeds contempt" and you will always be able to find reasons to distrust someone. 

If the relationship is going to be trusting then both parties have to reach a place where they place their confidence in the other.  This involves recognizing and accepting the risk of vulnerability in the relationship.  It involves the possibility and likelihood of being hurt.  No one can hurt us more than those we put our trust in.  Why would we do it then?  Well without the possibility of pain and suffering then we lose out on the possibility of true companionship, intimacy, and joy that comes from a trusting relationship.  Stated a different way you cannot have true companionship, intimacy, and joy from someone you have only a casual acquaintance with and for whom you have not placed confidence in. 

When a measure of trustworthiness and confidence have been established then the act of entrusting the other is the next step.  Trustworthiness is acting in a manner worthy of trust, confidence is an internal decision to trust, and entrusting is the action of trust in the relationship. 

Let me offer a non-interpersonal example.  I have a need of a checking account.  I have banked with the same bank since I started working some 20 + years ago.  Why?  First the Bank is trustworthy (by my estimation).  I cannot say they have been perfect, but they have always been honorable.  They are sound.  They are insured.  I have confidence in my bank's ability to provide checking account services.  As a result I entrust my money to them.   As a result I have a trusting relationship with my bank. 

I have much more I want to share on this subject, but I think this might be a good stopping point for this post.  More to come. 

God Bless You

Sexual Intimacy According to the Bible III

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As time goes on sexual intimacy continues to be an very important part of marriage.  In this post we will look at what the Bible says about a maturing sexual intimacy between husband and wife. 

In Song of Songs 6:2 the couple is continuing in their passionate love making (going down the garden).  They are continuing in passionate kissing (feeds among the lilies).  As relationships mature it is wise to make sure that sexual intimacy continues to be a part of that relationship.  There can be times of ebb and flow in the relationship, and unfortunately the husband and wife may not always be in sync of who is ebbing and who is flowing.  However, if you continue to practice 1 Corinthians 7:3-4 then you will be more interested in the wellbeing of the other rather than whether you "feel like" being sexually intimate.  In any case our couple in the Song of Songs has continued to be sexually active. 

I am my love's and my love is mine; he feeds among the lilies.
Song of Songs 6:3 (HCSB)

I wear the ring to the right.  On one side it says "My beloved is mine" and on the other it says "I am my beloveds."  It is a sort of summary of 1 Cor 7:3-4 as well as wedding vows in brief.  Notice that this statement of commitment and mutual belongingness is sealed with a kiss ("feeds among the lilies" See previous posts).  I get the sense that God is telling us that kissing is an important aspect of sexual intimacy. 

The husband has continued to note the ways that he is attracted to his wife.  Some of the language is the same, but there are some new elements as well.  He complements her eyes and her hair saying her eyes captivate him (Song 6:5).  He talks about her teeth (Song 6:6).  He again mentions pomegranates as mentioned before indicating that he was excited sexually.  He talks about her loveliness and beauty comparing to an awe inspiring army of Banners (Song 6:4).  He compares her to 60 queens, 80 concubines, and young women without number and concludes:

But my dove, my virtuous one, is unique; she is the favorite of her mother, perfect to the one who gave her birth. Women see her and declare her fortunate; queens and concubines also, and they sing her praises:
Song of Songs 6:9 (HCSB)

She is unique and favored in the eyes of her husband.  That is a powerful statement.  To be unique and favored is powerful emotional intensity to a woman.  His love for her is seen by other women and they say she is fortunate.  Think about that for a moment.  I believe that the reason they say she is fortunate is because the husbands declaration of her beauty, love, devotion that they have for each other is standard for him.  A Godly man who has eyes only for his wife is a beautiful thing.  It is a blessing to his wife and it forges sexual intimacy.  Notice also in this section the husband points to his wife's inner beauty as well by calling her virtuous and pure.  As you grow in your love together you become aware of the beauty of the person as a whole not simply in the physical attraction.  Sexuality of the world is Lustful, degrading, licentious, and nasty.  Sexuality according to God's plan is lovely, devoted, virtuous, and pure.  We should strive for the latter in our marriage. 

One thing that is striking at this point is that the husband never stops telling her how beautiful she is.  His expressions started in the courtship, expanded on the marriage night, and continues into the maturing love. 

Who is this who shines like the dawn- as beautiful as the moon, bright as the sun, awe-inspiring as an army with banners?
Song of Songs 6:10 (HCSB)

But soft! What light through yonder window breaks?
It is the East, and Juliet is the sun!
Arise, fair sun, and kill the envious moon,
who is already sick and pale with grief
That thou her maid art far more fair than she.
-Romeo and Juliet William Shakespeare

Romantic language is powerful to capture the heart of a loved one.  We would do well to take some time to pay attention to this.  If you struggle with this then consider reading romantic quotes and finding one that you can put into your own words.

We again see the husband praising the beauty of his wife.  Guys are you seeing a pattern here?  

In this verse he comments on her feet  and thighs (Song 7:1).  He is talking about her curves.  The curves of her thighs in particular.  Now talking about a woman's thighs seems like dangerous territory in our modern culture.  We are obsessed with thinness.  It is a cultural sickness that makes women feel inadequate for being... ... well women.  God intended for women to have curves and curves are beautiful.  The husband in this case in is stating as much.  Whose handiwork is her curves?  The Master.  Who is the master that designed his wife?  God.  You see God made a beautiful woman for each husband.  We need to appreciate the beauty of her.  She is a precious creation that is better than fine Jewelry.  And her curves should be satisfying to you!  In addition by appreciating your spouse as a gift from the Master you avoid turning them into a sexual object (idol). 

He continues moving up to her belly (Song 7:2).  He describes her navel as a drinking bowl that is never empty.  He is continually satisfied with her navel.  He says that her belly (waist) is like a mound of wheat.  There at least three interpretations that could be made here.  The husband is talking about the color of her belly, she is pregnant, or he is continuing to describe her curves (my interpretation).  Again describing her belly may seem like dangerous territory.  However her husband is describing how beautiful it is regardless if it is color, with child, or shape it is beautiful to him!  He also is imagining kissing her body (surrounded by lilies).

As before he talks about her breasts (Song 7:3).  He talks again in this section about how he plans to caress her body and hold her breasts (Song 7:7-8).  He is talking to her an a romantic language and not degrading manner.  Her breast are fruit and sustenance to their sexual intimacy.  Not object of his personal gratification. 

There is an interesting sequence of comparisons that on the surface seem a bit humorous if the try to imagine them.  He neck is a tower of ivory, her eyes like pools Heshbon, and her nose like the tower of Lebanon (Song 7:4).  The neck of ivory is a symbol of noble purity.  The term "ivory tower" has taken a negative connotation in modern times with the rejection of nobility.  In this case she is not stuck up and above others, but has an air of nobility and white is purity.   The pools of Heshbon are deep series of pools that are supplied by underground springs.  They are still since do not have flowing water.  Stillness and calmness are in her eyes.  The tower of Lebanon is a "watchtower."  We do not know what this particular tower looked like so it is not clear if her nose looked like this.  It is more likely though he is praising her watchfulness.  It seems to fit with context Damascus was hostile to Solomon reign (1 Kings 11:23-25).   It says in Song 7:4 that the Tower of Lebanon looks over Damascus.  If this is the case then he is praising her ability to smell (see) danger (mixing metaphors).  Once again as love matures the appreciation of personal characteristics become a part of the attractiveness of your spouse. 

The husband is caught up in looking at the beauty of her hair and her complete loveliness (Song 7:5-6).  He says that her hair is captivating to him.  He can't stop looking at her.  Sad when men stop looking at their wives.  If they stop looking then we can't be captivated.  All to often a man is moving away and it his wife that is chasing him for intimacy.  Look at her.  Love her.  Cherish her.  This will build up your sexual intimacy in your marriage. 

At this point the wife takes over the dialogue. 

It seems they are kissing (Song 7:9).  She is aware and acknowledges her husband's desire for her (Song 7:10).  She then again invites him to the Garden (love making) with all of it's pleasures, passions, sexual excitement, and mutual belongingness (Song 7:11-13).  She talks about mandrakes.  Mandrakes were seen as a fertility drug so it seems she desires to become pregnant (See Gen 30:14-17).  She also says the doors are open to sexual intimacy both new and old that she is treasuring them up.  It seems she is expressing her openness to her husband, remembering old times of sexual closeness, and looking forward to new experiences as well.  Sex is a treasure and not an obligation or dread.  When a spouse begins to dread sex it is no longer intimacy.  It is a good indicator that something is missing in your marriage.  Intimacy has been lost.  Look to see what that is and address it so that you can return to your gardens of pleasure as God intended. 

My hope is that you have found this series on "Marriage Essentials" beneficial.  I pray for your marriage (all marriages) that they would find the original intent, beauty, love, devotion, respect, honor, and excitement that was present on your wedding day and is fitting with what God has intended. 

 

 

Sexual Intimacy According to the Bible II

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In the last post the emphasis was on how the husband was talking to his wife.  In this post we will look at how the wife talks about her husband to others.  One of the most striking things about this passage is that it elevates man's sexuality from the ash heap and cultural stereotypes that have been sold, bought, and held up as a banner over the last 50 years.  Men are sexual no doubt, but whether we are aware of it or not we are every bit as complicated as women when it comes to sexuality and our sexuality is much greater than the act itself. 

What makes the one you love better than another, most beautiful of women? What makes him better than another, that you would give us this charge?
Song of Songs 5:9 (HCSB)

Two of the greatest gifts a wife can give her husband is to appreciate him (his strength, worthiness, adequacy, and masculinity) and be his friend. 

In the Song of Songs 5:10 the wife begins to tell others what makes her husband so special in her eyes.  She starts with saying he is "fit and strong."  Men generally struggle with a deep need to be perceived as strong.  Now the biological reality is that we cannot all be Arnold Swartzenerger.  So most men look to find their prowess in other realms.  Men long for this.  If they do not get it from their wives they will often seek it elsewhere.  This wife continues by saying she sees him as better than ten thousand men.  The word used here is dagal.  It is literally translated banner.  This is a military term used to describe the flag that represents the strength of the troop that it flies over.  Think about that statement, "My husbands honor, strength, protection, and worth is a banner over ten thousand."  That is powerful language.  You don't have to fake it either.  The reality is that your husband has a God given strength that is a banner over 10,000.  Celebrate that strength with him.

She moves on to complement his head of gold and wavy black hair (Song 5:11).  Gold is a symbol of purity.  Men we need to live lives that allow our wives to say that we have a pure head (mind).  If there is sexual brokenness then it must be addressed.  Women I am a firm believer in the restorative power of God's grace.  If your husband struggles with or has struggled with sexual brokenness he needs you to accept him as pure again (by the forgiveness in Christ).  His behavior has not been gold, but God has made him Gold by his grace and mercy.  Many men seem to love their hair or grieve the loss of it.  Some more than others.  It is nice to hear a complement from our wives that they like their husbands hair.  One thing men we should style our hair the way that our wives like it.

The wife talks about his eyes (Song 5:12).  Remember in the last post I talked about eyes being the window to the soul.  Catching each other in the eyes is an act of intimacy.  She continues to look at his face and notices that he smells good (Song 5:13).  That tells me two things.  One she is close enough to his face to smell it and two the husband has taken a bath and put on some cologne.  Both are necessary to have sexual intimacy.  She notices his lips and likely is thinking about kissing them (remember she is describing her husband here he is not actually there). 

She is again noting his strength describing his arms as rods of gold, and his body as a panel of ivory (Song 5:14).  Your husband's arms are there to embrace you passionately.  His strong embrace should be celebrated.  He may not have 6 pack abs, but surely there are physical/emotional/social qualities that you can find that are attractive to you.  

She then moves down to his legs and his physical presence (Song 5:15).  His legs are strong and stable like columns of marble.  It is interesting to note that of all the objects of architecture that seem to last through time columns seem to stand up.  I am not sure that this is what the writer of this meant, but strong legs seem to be a complement of stability and staying power.  Notice the place he is standing is one of purity and righteousness (Pedestals of pure gold).  She also complements his presence.  He is majestic as the choice cedars of Lebanon. 

She returns to his mouth and says that it is sweetness (Song 5:16).  This is likely a reference to what and how he talks to her (less likely his kisses).  Two things to note one he must be saying sweet things and two she is giving him credit.  Men may not admit it, but we like it when wives say, "Do you know how sweet my husband is..."  Most of the time that is not the direction of the conversation.  It more often male bashing.  We may laugh in the moment, but when a man is emasculated in front of others sexual intimacy suffers and that is not funny. 

She also says he is desirable.  Men long to be desired by their wives.  A whole industry is built around the false illusion that there is a woman that desires the man (pornography).  I don't say this to make you feel that you are in competition with the industry.  Rather you have an opportunity to give him what he longs for, a woman that desires him.  This is real and much more satisfying than the image.  What is more it is sanctioned by God as a good thing.  Having a wife that desires her husband is a real turn on to a man. 

She concludes with two very important statements about sexual intimacy with males (Song 5:16).  First she describes him as her lover.  She is saying that she is sexually available for her and he is sexually available for her.  It is destructive to a marriage to not be available to each other.  It is equally destructive to be available for the sex act, but not be available for sexual intimacy.  If you struggle with either of these problems it needs to be addressed.  You will strengthen your marriage bond in doing so.  Pretending like it will get better is foolish (because it usually does not).  Men who experience sexual intimacy with their wives do not go have affairs generally.  So it also protects your marriage. 

The last thing she says is that he is her friend.  There is a statement I heard once in a marriage seminar, "Men do not question if their wives love them, but they often question whether their wives really like them."  When I have shared this with men I get a strong affirmation that this is how they feel.  Women need to be heard, and men need to be liked.  By the way friendship in this way is different for men than for women.  So learn what it means to your husband to be a friend and become his best friend.  It will strengthen your sexual intimacy as a result. 

I hope that this post will elevate your husband's sexuality out of the gutter of "men are lustful visual creatures that need to engage in regular sex or they will stray" to God's ideal for masculine sexuality.  Men we need to aspire to confront the lies that are being told about our sexuality and that to a certain extent we have bought into and believed about ourselves.  It is time to tear down the banner lifted up by false view of male sexuality (created by a godless culture) and raise the banner that God has given us in his word.  We are more dignified than what the world says about us and it is time that we view our sexuality though God's eyes and act accordingly.

As always blessings to you!

Sexual Intimacy According to the Bible

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The Song of Songs is representative of health sexuality in marriage.  I will in the next posts share with some of the Bible teaches on sexual intimacy.  I have been reading an commentary by Mark E Washburn called "To Find and Enjoy the Love of Your Life."  In this book he helps to bring to light the symbolism as well as the cultural idiosyncrasies of the book.  I would recommend it. 

Song of Songs 4:1-5:1 represents a couples first night together.  In this we see a natural progression of the consummation of marriage vows.  Most of the verses focus on what the husband is saying to his new bride.  The interesting thing about this text is that it is graphic without being pornographic.  It is a beautiful expression of God Plan for sexual intimacy. 

How beautiful you are, my darling. How very beautiful! Behind your veil, your eyes are doves. Your hair is like a flock of goats streaming down Mount Gilead.
Song of Songs 4:1 (HCSB)

On this wedding night the bride maintains her modesty.  Behind the veil her husband takes time to notice her eyes.  There is something about connecting with the eyes.  There is an old English proverb "Eyes are windows to the soul."  Making that eye to eye contact communicates a level of intimacy and trust in the relationship. 

A Casual glimpse of your mate, husband, and failure to look into her eyes is a failure to appreciate what God wants you to see in her heart before and after marriage.
-To Find and Enjoy the Love of your Life

The husband goes on to notice the beauty of her hair.  Verbalizing how beautiful your wife is a part of intimacy. 

Your teeth are like a flock of newly shorn sheep coming up from washing, each one having a twin, and not one missing. Your lips are like a scarlet cord, and your mouth is lovely. Behind your veil, your brow is like a slice of pomegranate.
Song of Songs 4:2-3 (HCSB)

He moves on to her face.  Her teeth, lips, and mouth get his attention.  It seems that she is smiling after his initial complements.  He is drawn to her lips.  We might say your lips are kissable.  Pomegranate has a double meaning it seems.  First his wife has done her best to make her self up.  She has a very deep red make up on her face.  Pomegranate also is a symbol of sexuality.  It was revered as an aphrodisiac in ancient times.  So he is saying that her face is making him excited sexually. 

Side note:  Pomegranates have been found in recent studies to increase male and female libido as well as help with erectile dysfunction.  Those ancients knew what they were talking about.

Your neck is like the tower of David, constructed in layers. A thousand bucklers are hung on it- all of them shields of warriors.
Song of Songs 4:4 (HCSB)

Without understanding the context this verse would seem very odd indeed.  First he is not praising her long neck, which is what I though at first.  It appears that she must have a very fancy necklace on.   The reference to the  "tower of David" and "shields of warriors" is important.  The tower of David had shields of warriors hung on it symbolizing the commitment to protect and defend.  I believe that the husband was not only appreciating the fine jewelry, but also making a statement of protecting and defending their love together. 

Your breasts are like two fawns, twins of a gazelle, that feed among the lilies.
Song of Songs 4:5 (HCSB)

The husband moving down is admiring her breasts.  This is the first time that he has seen them.  In his previous description of her beauty her breasts are left out.  Gazelles are beautiful, sleek, and graceful creatures.  Twins are rare as gazelles usually give birth to only one.  The husband is saying that her breast are a rare beauty.  In Song of songs 5:3 we learn that the husband's lips are compared to lilies, and so it would appear here that he does more than notice the beauty of his wife's breasts, but he also kisses them. 

Before the day breaks and the shadows flee, I will make my way to the mountain of myrrh and the hill of frankincense.
Song of Songs 4:6 (HCSB)

I want to point out how slow this husband is moving toward the act of sex (until the early morning he will make love to her).  It is important to note that sexual intimacy has a slow moving flow.  We can have sexual intimacy on the quick but it is not nearly as satisfying as if we move slowly with our spouse.  Appreciate the mutual attraction for one another.  Allow love's passion to draw you in don't force raw desire. 

He continues to talk about her breasts.  He is smelling the perfume that she has been keeping between her breasts for this occasion (Songs 1:13).  This is a moment of intense passion. 

You are absolutely beautiful, my darling, with no imperfection in you.
Song of Songs 4:7 (HCSB)

The husband has noted 7 things about his wife that express her beauty.  Seven is the number of perfection.  He is expressing her perfect beauty.  It also is a number that represents God.  It could be that he is praising God for giving him a beautiful wife. 

Try it out.  See if you, husband, can name seven beautiful features that you see in your wife.  Obviously some of her features others will notice as well as yourself.  Then there will be some features that you may regard as beautiful others may not see or appreciate.
-To Find and Enjoy the Love of Your Life

You have captured my heart, my sister, my bride. You have captured my heart with one glance of your eyes, with one jewel of your necklace. How delightful your love is, my sister, my bride. Your love is much better than wine, and the fragrance of your perfume than any balsam.
Song of Songs 4:9-10 (HCSB)

The husband is head over heals in love with her.  There is an unfortunate belief in male culture that some how it is unmanly to allow a woman to capture your heart.  There are expression of "whipped man" comes to mind.  It seems that it is more important to maintain a sense of respectable independence than to please the woman he loves.  To be sure such a man has not allowed his wife to capture his heart.  True sexual intimacy will be hard to come by if this does not occur.  He goes on to say that the love of his wife is better than any earthly pleasure.  He is devoted to her love.  Side note:  The expression "my sister" might weird us out in our modern culture.  However it is an expression of a deep close protective relationship.  Not that he sees her as his biological sister. 

Your lips drip sweetness like the honeycomb, my bride. Honey and milk are under your tongue. The fragrance of your garments is like the fragrance of Lebanon.
Song of Songs 4:11 (HCSB)

Things are moving along.  After sharing more about his love for her he begins to passionately kiss her on the lips.  This is no mere peck.  This is sweetness, honey and milk deep passionate kissing (note the tongue is involved here).  He continues to be intoxicated by the smell of her.

My sister, my bride, you are a locked garden- a locked garden and a sealed spring.
Song of Songs 4:12 (HCSB)

The passion of the moment draws them ever closer to the moment of marital bliss.  Notice that she is locked up.  This is an expression of virginity.  This is their wedding night after all.  He goes on to describe her garden in Songs 4:13-15.  There is the pomegranates again. Except now it is not a mere slice, but tree containing "a paradise of Pomegranates."  Needless to say the husband is quite overcome with sexual desire toward his wife. 

Fountains and Springs are occasionally used in the Bible to express sexual intimacy between a husband and wife.  This is a shared fountain and spring.  It is to be exclusive.  Proverbs 5:15-20 admonishes that sexuality be expressed exclusively between a husband and wife using this imagery. 

Awaken, north wind- come, south wind. Blow on my garden, and spread the fragrance of its spices. Let my love come to his garden and eat its choicest fruits.
Song of Songs 4:16 (HCSB)

And with that the husband is invited to enjoy his wife.  Note a couple of things.  The act of sex after a long period of foreplay is initiated by the invitation of the wife.  The husband has not forced himself upon her.  What is more is the wife says "his garden."  We would do well to recognize that sexual intimacy is carried in the basket of mutual respect and mutual belongingness.  That is to say one does not ever do anything that is violation of the other (they are invited) and each recognizes that his/her body is not their own (1 Cor 7:3-4). 

I have come to my garden-my sister, my bride. I gather my myrrh with my spices. I eat my honeycomb with my honey. I drink my wine with my milk.

Eat, friends! Drink, be intoxicated with love!
Song of Songs 5:1 (HCSB)

The husband and wife enjoy their sexuality with each other.  Sexual intimacy has been achieved.  Notice that the husband expresses is deep satisfaction with what has just happened.   It has been fulfilling experience for him (and for her I suspect). 

This last phrase is seen by commentators as the voice of God.  He is expressing His blessing on the sexual intimacy that has just occurred.  May you be intoxicated with love for your spouse.  If you are not married then may you remain as a locked Garden or a sealed fountain until you can share that special intimacy with your spouse some day.  God bless you all.

Sexual Intimacy (True and False Contrasted)

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In understanding sexual intimacy one has to recognize that there is a difference between the act of sex and sexual intimacy.  In fact you can have sex without sexual intimacy and you can have sexual intimacy without sex.  I think many will be puzzled with the last half of that statement.  Yes it is possible to have sexual intimacy without the act of sex.  I believe it would be helpful to define what is sexual intimacy. 

Adam was intimate with his wife Eve, and she conceived and gave birth to Cain. She said, "I have had a male child with the Lord's help."
Genesis 4:1 (HCSB)

At first glance the use of the word intimate would appear to be a euphemism for sex.  However I think there is a deeper spiritual significance here.  The Hebrew Word is "Knowledge of."  Notice the action.  Adam did not "have sex with" Eve.  He "knew" her.  There is no objectification in this picture.  Eve is a person that is known and intimately known at that.  She is not an object of sexual gratification or a means to producing offspring.  Interesting the act of intimacy can be for good or for evil. 

The Lord God said, "Since man has become like one of Us, knowing good and evil, he must not reach out, take from the tree of life, eat, and live forever."
Genesis 3:22 (HCSB)

When you are intimate with someone you are in a very close relationship with that person.  You are aware of him/her.  Your eyes are open to him/her.  You are connected.  You become a part of that person. 

And the man said: This one, at last, is bone of my bone and flesh of my flesh; this one will be called "woman," for she was taken from man. This is why a man leaves his father and mother and bonds with his wife, and they become one flesh.
Genesis 2:23-24 (HCSB)

And she/he becomes a part of you.   When this is applied to the marriage relationship sexual intimacy is the act of becoming knowledgeable about the other's sexuality, connecting with her/him in a sexual way, continuing in intimacy until you are "one with" him/her.  Not to be crass, but sex is just about "getting it." 

The more I think about it the more I become convinced that false sexual intimacy is rooted in aggression and true sexual intimacy is rooted in love and tenderness.  Notice the coarseness of false intimacy.  It about using another for personal gratification.  In one sense enslaving the other for your personal satisfaction. True intimacy on the other hand is about knowing your partner so well that sex is not about getting pleasure (though it is pleasurable no doubt), but rather giving it.  There is a gentleness and tenderness that exists in true intimacy. 

Imagine if you will your sexuality is an expression of what road you are on.  On the one road is false intimacy and the other is intimacy as God has designed.  The false intimacy road is attractive in that it promises easy pleasure, easy gratification, everyone is doing it, it is glamorous, and it feels so good.  True intimacy is a road of commitment, fidelity, hard work, satisfaction, opportunity to love another, compassion, and mutual gratification. 

One thing though for all it puts forward to be false intimacy is a lie!!!!!  It may do some of the things that it promises, but in the end it robs the soul. 

Though the lips of the forbidden woman drip honey and her words are smoother than oil, in the end she's as bitter as wormwood and as sharp as a double-edged sword.
Proverbs 5:3-4 (HCSB)

True intimacy on the other hand is a promise.  It delivers on what it says and gives life to the soul.

You have captured my heart, my sister, my bride. You have captured my heart with one glance of your eyes, with one jewel of your necklace. How delightful your love is, my sister, my bride. Your love is much better than wine, and the fragrance of your perfume than any balsam. Your lips drip sweetness like the honeycomb, my bride. Honey and milk are under your tongue. The fragrance of your garments is like the fragrance of Lebanon.
Song of Songs 4:9-11 (HCSB)

Which path are you on in your marriage.  Is it more important for you to give or get pleasure from sex?  That one question can be very revealing as to what road you are on.  Don't get me wrong.  There is nothing wrong with enjoying sex.  However sex at the expense of knowing and giving pleasure to your spouse has nothing to do with intimacy.  My prayer is that you find the road of true sexual intimacy and your marriage will flourish as a result. 

Sexual Trauma

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Sexual Trauma is a barrier to sexual intimacy.  Trauma comes in many forms.  The most extreme is sexual abuse, but it can come in milder forms.  For example someone with increased sensitivity catching your spouse looking at porn can be a trauma.  Another might be finding out your spouse is having an affair.  Childhood sexual abuse is a sexual trauma.  Sexual trauma is when an event that threatens your well being and the associated feelings become connected to sexual behavior.  Often the associated feelings are subconscious.  They will pop up without understanding or explanation.   Sexual trauma can be from within the marriage or from some other event from the past.  To be clear unwanted sexual behavior of an aggressive nature is abuse whether the couple is unmarried or married.  Forced sexual contact is rape regardless of marital status. 

One of the difficult aspects of trauma is that the memory and associated feelings are often locked into the brain and do not go away.  There can be some relief through various therapies, but it only takes a moment to bring up those feelings from the past.   Imagine if you will a super camera that records everything, sight, sound, smell (very strong in trauma), thought, feeling, sensation.  Now that super camera has an automatic alarm attached to it that is loud enough to wake the soundest of sleepers.  That is what it is like to experience sexual trauma and cues that remind of the past trauma.

Once trauma is encoded into the brain it pretty much becomes a permanent part of that persons life story.  Interesting there are some therapy techniques that help people retell their story so that they can better cope in the present.  This may make coping more effective, yet even in this scenario the trauma is still a part of the life story.   

One of the most unhelpful things you can do if your spouse is struggling with sexual trauma is to tell them to either "get over it" or "stop punishing me."  "Get over it" is irritating and down right disrespectful.  It communicates you are not a safe person to deal with genuine feelings and blames the victim.  Remember your spouse is the victim.  "Stop punishing me" is playing the victim.  You are not the victim in sexual trauma (at least in this hypothetical scenario) your spouse is.  You cannot help your spouse leave the role of victim by playing one yourself. 

Let me just say if you are in a relationship in which trauma is regularly occurring or is severe in nature you need to find a safe place.  Reconciling with a person should be done with the greatest of caution and only after the person has demonstrated a change in heart and change in behavior.  Placing yourself in a dangerous situation is foolishness don't do it!!!!!!

To help a spouse who is a victim of sexual trauma you have to recognize your role in it. 

If you are the person that instigated the trauma you have to make a full admission to your role and take steps to break the behavior that traumatized your spouse in the first place.  You have to take responsibility for these behaviors without blaming your spouse.  Sexual Trauma is often rooted in anger.  You have to be willing to take a look at how you handle anger, frustration, and irritability.  You might need to seek out help of another as you learn to deal effectively with anger.  If you do not then your spouse will not feel safe to allow for sexual intimacy. 

You might be thinking, "But I did not cause this."  It is important to recognize that people who have been traumatized can and often are retraumatized by the behavior of others.  You may not have initiated the trauma, but as the spouse of a victim of sexual abuse you have an obligation to takes steps to not retraumatize them.   You have to be willing to break from those behaviors regardless of how your spouse should feel or not feel safe.  Stated another way:  You cannot help your spouse develop coping skills for past trauma by constantly pulling the scab of the wound.  

If you are the victim of sexual trauma and you desire to have true sexual intimacy with your spouse then you have to take a path of learning to trust another with your body and vulnerably again.  It is not an easy path, but it can be done.  If your spouse is the cause of the sexual trauma and is repentant then you are needing to take the path of going FORTH (see previous post).  You also may want to seek additional help of a counselor, pastor, and/or trusted friend. 

It is sad that in order to accomplish ideal sexual intimacy that we have to address the ugliness of sexual sin whether the guilty party or the victim or the spouse of the victim.  However, we have to take a stand to protect others from trauma and become safe people else we risk becoming part of the problem.  Without repentance (a change of heart and direction) then true sexual intimacy cannot occur. 

One of the most beautiful things that can happen in marriage is that the relationship can be a source of great healing and hope.  If both spouses commit to loving each other in the manner in which you hold the other's needs higher than your own and you enlist the healing power that exists in the grace of God then genuine healing can be the result.  Together you can build sexual intimacy and overcome the past sexual trauma through a safe, compassionate, loving, caring marriage.  If it is lost then it can be restored if both spouses seek it.  If it is present then your marriage is a place of great worth. 

Two Barriers to Sexual Intimacy

There are many areas that I believe that need to be addressed in the context of healthy sexual intimacy.  The first two have to do with sexual brokenness and false intimacy which I will cover in this post.  These two form a barrier to intimacy. 

There are so many people that struggle with sexual brokenness.  I would define sexual brokenness as a state of sexual sin with an intense self-hatred.  You can have sexual brokenness with just about any object live or inanimate.  Some can even have sexual brokenness in sexual behavior with his/her spouse.  The most common sexual brokenness looking lustfully at someone other than your spouse.  It seems that pornography is one of the most common forms of this type of brokenness. There are many other forms of brokenness which I do not have a desire to list out here, but I think that a good definition is some type of sexual arousal/gratification outside the marriage that leads to self-hatred. 

Most that struggle with sexual brokenness feel trapped.  For many it has been a life long struggle.  In case you don't believe there is a serious problem with this then I suggest that you take a look at the statistics from Safe Families.  They have compiled a list of statistics that should open your eyes to the sexual brokenness epidemic.  There are some that refer to sexual brokenness as addiction and others whom argue that addiction is not possible with a natural biological function.  Those that believe it is not an addiction describe these behaviors as obsessive-compulsive or just sinful.  Whether sexual brokenness is rooted in addiction, obsession, or just plain ol' sin people that struggle with it will often experience a feeling of loss of control. 

Sexual brokenness in a marriage is a barrier to sexual intimacy and radical action must be taken for full intimacy to occur.  There are many resources available to help you if you are stuck in this.  Here are some suggested things to review:  Focus on the Family, Pure Intimacy, Setting Captives Free, Every Man's Battle, X3Church (For the younger edgy crowd), and filtering software: Safe Eyes, Covenant Eyes, Bsecure (my recommendation), As well as recommend these post from my Blog: Battle of two natures and Setting your mind on the Spirit.

False intimacy is similar to sexual brokenness in that it is a barrier to sexual intimacy.  In false intimacy your sexuality is bonded with something other than your spouse as fellow companion.  Pornography is a struggle for some with sexual brokenness, but can also be a problem for those who do not.  The false intimacy of porn (whether the soft type that passes for prime time TV or the hard-core found on the internet) is sexual gratification without commitment.  I remember some crass comments when I used to work construction from married men saying, "I can window shop."  This is a false intimacy of the eyes.  It also is a type of gratification without commitment.  Affairs are based on false intimacy.  You can have adultery in affairs, but true sexual intimacy is not possible.  Affairs always are rooted in deception, broken promises, and infidelity.  There can never be true intimacy in such a situation.  Any perceived intimacy in the midst of adultery is false.  There can be false intimacy within the marital relationship as well.  The behavioral repertoire of a couple replaces a true sense of connection.  Emotional, spiritual, and physical intimacy are often diminished or absent in these cases. The behavior surrounding sex can take precedence over the relationship as well in this way sex becomes a form of false intimacy. 

One of the things that drives brokenness and false intimacy is sexual bonding in my estimation.  The brain is a powerful sexual organ.  When people are involved in sexual situations (arousal, or the act itself)  the brain is releasing powerful substances which if came in pill form would either be outlawed or considered a controlled substance.  Some of the Neuro-Chemicals associated with sex are:

epinephrine (adrenaline), testosterone (Male hormone), endorphins (feeling of well being and absence of pain), oxytocin (important substance in feelings of love and bonding), dopamine (reward seeking), serotonin (good mood), phenylethylamine (Endogenous amphetamine) and others

In the process of arousal the sexual image becomes an object of desire.  This occurs whether the image is real, inanimate, or imagined.  With repetition the image becomes more and more imbedded in the brain.  In some ways the image becomes a personal sexual ideal (a sexual idol).  The behaviors associated with this idol become fixed and in many cases automatic (like riding a bike or driving a car).  I will sometimes use the analogy of a well worn rut that when ever the wheels fall into they take you to the same place again.  From a spiritual stand point you begin to worship the idol.  From a neuro-chemical stand point the powerful reward chemicals in your brain released by this activity reinforce the behavior making it more likely that you will engage in this behavior in the future (kind of like a hit from drugs).  The bonding chemicals make you feel connected to the object and/or behavior associated with the object.  It is this bonding that I believe forms the biological basis for false intimacy (and sexual brokenness). 

To combat false intimacy one must first acknowledge it is false.  This is difficult because you have acknowledge something that contradicts what you feel.  Overcoming biology is one of the most difficult things that we can do in life.  The Bible refers to this as "dying to self" and putting to death the deeds of the flesh."  You acknowledge that it is false and determine to starve that sexual idol and refuse to worship it any longer.  Nothing short of a full break will do.  There also must be a reconnection to genuine intimacy.  Making a break without reengaging true intimacy will leave you vulnerable to falling back into false intimacy.  From a spiritual stand point you must turn to God and trust in him.  Turning to your spouse without turning to God puts you at risk of making your spouse an idol and worshiping your spouse as a sexual object and not treating them as a true person. 

You must be on guard against sexual brokenness and false intimacy if you are to have hope of developing true sexual intimacy with your spouse.  There needs to be an acknowledgement of the problem and a clean break from it (repentance).  If you need help along the way talk with a pastor, Christian therapist, or trusted friend.  Seek accountability and more importantly seek the Lord.