Sexual Intimacy According to the Bible III

Image via Wikipedia

As time goes on sexual intimacy continues to be an very important part of marriage.  In this post we will look at what the Bible says about a maturing sexual intimacy between husband and wife. 

In Song of Songs 6:2 the couple is continuing in their passionate love making (going down the garden).  They are continuing in passionate kissing (feeds among the lilies).  As relationships mature it is wise to make sure that sexual intimacy continues to be a part of that relationship.  There can be times of ebb and flow in the relationship, and unfortunately the husband and wife may not always be in sync of who is ebbing and who is flowing.  However, if you continue to practice 1 Corinthians 7:3-4 then you will be more interested in the wellbeing of the other rather than whether you "feel like" being sexually intimate.  In any case our couple in the Song of Songs has continued to be sexually active. 

I am my love's and my love is mine; he feeds among the lilies.
Song of Songs 6:3 (HCSB)

I wear the ring to the right.  On one side it says "My beloved is mine" and on the other it says "I am my beloveds."  It is a sort of summary of 1 Cor 7:3-4 as well as wedding vows in brief.  Notice that this statement of commitment and mutual belongingness is sealed with a kiss ("feeds among the lilies" See previous posts).  I get the sense that God is telling us that kissing is an important aspect of sexual intimacy. 

The husband has continued to note the ways that he is attracted to his wife.  Some of the language is the same, but there are some new elements as well.  He complements her eyes and her hair saying her eyes captivate him (Song 6:5).  He talks about her teeth (Song 6:6).  He again mentions pomegranates as mentioned before indicating that he was excited sexually.  He talks about her loveliness and beauty comparing to an awe inspiring army of Banners (Song 6:4).  He compares her to 60 queens, 80 concubines, and young women without number and concludes:

But my dove, my virtuous one, is unique; she is the favorite of her mother, perfect to the one who gave her birth. Women see her and declare her fortunate; queens and concubines also, and they sing her praises:
Song of Songs 6:9 (HCSB)

She is unique and favored in the eyes of her husband.  That is a powerful statement.  To be unique and favored is powerful emotional intensity to a woman.  His love for her is seen by other women and they say she is fortunate.  Think about that for a moment.  I believe that the reason they say she is fortunate is because the husbands declaration of her beauty, love, devotion that they have for each other is standard for him.  A Godly man who has eyes only for his wife is a beautiful thing.  It is a blessing to his wife and it forges sexual intimacy.  Notice also in this section the husband points to his wife's inner beauty as well by calling her virtuous and pure.  As you grow in your love together you become aware of the beauty of the person as a whole not simply in the physical attraction.  Sexuality of the world is Lustful, degrading, licentious, and nasty.  Sexuality according to God's plan is lovely, devoted, virtuous, and pure.  We should strive for the latter in our marriage. 

One thing that is striking at this point is that the husband never stops telling her how beautiful she is.  His expressions started in the courtship, expanded on the marriage night, and continues into the maturing love. 

Who is this who shines like the dawn- as beautiful as the moon, bright as the sun, awe-inspiring as an army with banners?
Song of Songs 6:10 (HCSB)

But soft! What light through yonder window breaks?
It is the East, and Juliet is the sun!
Arise, fair sun, and kill the envious moon,
who is already sick and pale with grief
That thou her maid art far more fair than she.
-Romeo and Juliet William Shakespeare

Romantic language is powerful to capture the heart of a loved one.  We would do well to take some time to pay attention to this.  If you struggle with this then consider reading romantic quotes and finding one that you can put into your own words.

We again see the husband praising the beauty of his wife.  Guys are you seeing a pattern here?  

In this verse he comments on her feet  and thighs (Song 7:1).  He is talking about her curves.  The curves of her thighs in particular.  Now talking about a woman's thighs seems like dangerous territory in our modern culture.  We are obsessed with thinness.  It is a cultural sickness that makes women feel inadequate for being... ... well women.  God intended for women to have curves and curves are beautiful.  The husband in this case in is stating as much.  Whose handiwork is her curves?  The Master.  Who is the master that designed his wife?  God.  You see God made a beautiful woman for each husband.  We need to appreciate the beauty of her.  She is a precious creation that is better than fine Jewelry.  And her curves should be satisfying to you!  In addition by appreciating your spouse as a gift from the Master you avoid turning them into a sexual object (idol). 

He continues moving up to her belly (Song 7:2).  He describes her navel as a drinking bowl that is never empty.  He is continually satisfied with her navel.  He says that her belly (waist) is like a mound of wheat.  There at least three interpretations that could be made here.  The husband is talking about the color of her belly, she is pregnant, or he is continuing to describe her curves (my interpretation).  Again describing her belly may seem like dangerous territory.  However her husband is describing how beautiful it is regardless if it is color, with child, or shape it is beautiful to him!  He also is imagining kissing her body (surrounded by lilies).

As before he talks about her breasts (Song 7:3).  He talks again in this section about how he plans to caress her body and hold her breasts (Song 7:7-8).  He is talking to her an a romantic language and not degrading manner.  Her breast are fruit and sustenance to their sexual intimacy.  Not object of his personal gratification. 

There is an interesting sequence of comparisons that on the surface seem a bit humorous if the try to imagine them.  He neck is a tower of ivory, her eyes like pools Heshbon, and her nose like the tower of Lebanon (Song 7:4).  The neck of ivory is a symbol of noble purity.  The term "ivory tower" has taken a negative connotation in modern times with the rejection of nobility.  In this case she is not stuck up and above others, but has an air of nobility and white is purity.   The pools of Heshbon are deep series of pools that are supplied by underground springs.  They are still since do not have flowing water.  Stillness and calmness are in her eyes.  The tower of Lebanon is a "watchtower."  We do not know what this particular tower looked like so it is not clear if her nose looked like this.  It is more likely though he is praising her watchfulness.  It seems to fit with context Damascus was hostile to Solomon reign (1 Kings 11:23-25).   It says in Song 7:4 that the Tower of Lebanon looks over Damascus.  If this is the case then he is praising her ability to smell (see) danger (mixing metaphors).  Once again as love matures the appreciation of personal characteristics become a part of the attractiveness of your spouse. 

The husband is caught up in looking at the beauty of her hair and her complete loveliness (Song 7:5-6).  He says that her hair is captivating to him.  He can't stop looking at her.  Sad when men stop looking at their wives.  If they stop looking then we can't be captivated.  All to often a man is moving away and it his wife that is chasing him for intimacy.  Look at her.  Love her.  Cherish her.  This will build up your sexual intimacy in your marriage. 

At this point the wife takes over the dialogue. 

It seems they are kissing (Song 7:9).  She is aware and acknowledges her husband's desire for her (Song 7:10).  She then again invites him to the Garden (love making) with all of it's pleasures, passions, sexual excitement, and mutual belongingness (Song 7:11-13).  She talks about mandrakes.  Mandrakes were seen as a fertility drug so it seems she desires to become pregnant (See Gen 30:14-17).  She also says the doors are open to sexual intimacy both new and old that she is treasuring them up.  It seems she is expressing her openness to her husband, remembering old times of sexual closeness, and looking forward to new experiences as well.  Sex is a treasure and not an obligation or dread.  When a spouse begins to dread sex it is no longer intimacy.  It is a good indicator that something is missing in your marriage.  Intimacy has been lost.  Look to see what that is and address it so that you can return to your gardens of pleasure as God intended. 

My hope is that you have found this series on "Marriage Essentials" beneficial.  I pray for your marriage (all marriages) that they would find the original intent, beauty, love, devotion, respect, honor, and excitement that was present on your wedding day and is fitting with what God has intended. 

 

 

Sexual Intimacy According to the Bible II

Image by Thorne Enterprises via Flickr

In the last post the emphasis was on how the husband was talking to his wife.  In this post we will look at how the wife talks about her husband to others.  One of the most striking things about this passage is that it elevates man's sexuality from the ash heap and cultural stereotypes that have been sold, bought, and held up as a banner over the last 50 years.  Men are sexual no doubt, but whether we are aware of it or not we are every bit as complicated as women when it comes to sexuality and our sexuality is much greater than the act itself. 

What makes the one you love better than another, most beautiful of women? What makes him better than another, that you would give us this charge?
Song of Songs 5:9 (HCSB)

Two of the greatest gifts a wife can give her husband is to appreciate him (his strength, worthiness, adequacy, and masculinity) and be his friend. 

In the Song of Songs 5:10 the wife begins to tell others what makes her husband so special in her eyes.  She starts with saying he is "fit and strong."  Men generally struggle with a deep need to be perceived as strong.  Now the biological reality is that we cannot all be Arnold Swartzenerger.  So most men look to find their prowess in other realms.  Men long for this.  If they do not get it from their wives they will often seek it elsewhere.  This wife continues by saying she sees him as better than ten thousand men.  The word used here is dagal.  It is literally translated banner.  This is a military term used to describe the flag that represents the strength of the troop that it flies over.  Think about that statement, "My husbands honor, strength, protection, and worth is a banner over ten thousand."  That is powerful language.  You don't have to fake it either.  The reality is that your husband has a God given strength that is a banner over 10,000.  Celebrate that strength with him.

She moves on to complement his head of gold and wavy black hair (Song 5:11).  Gold is a symbol of purity.  Men we need to live lives that allow our wives to say that we have a pure head (mind).  If there is sexual brokenness then it must be addressed.  Women I am a firm believer in the restorative power of God's grace.  If your husband struggles with or has struggled with sexual brokenness he needs you to accept him as pure again (by the forgiveness in Christ).  His behavior has not been gold, but God has made him Gold by his grace and mercy.  Many men seem to love their hair or grieve the loss of it.  Some more than others.  It is nice to hear a complement from our wives that they like their husbands hair.  One thing men we should style our hair the way that our wives like it.

The wife talks about his eyes (Song 5:12).  Remember in the last post I talked about eyes being the window to the soul.  Catching each other in the eyes is an act of intimacy.  She continues to look at his face and notices that he smells good (Song 5:13).  That tells me two things.  One she is close enough to his face to smell it and two the husband has taken a bath and put on some cologne.  Both are necessary to have sexual intimacy.  She notices his lips and likely is thinking about kissing them (remember she is describing her husband here he is not actually there). 

She is again noting his strength describing his arms as rods of gold, and his body as a panel of ivory (Song 5:14).  Your husband's arms are there to embrace you passionately.  His strong embrace should be celebrated.  He may not have 6 pack abs, but surely there are physical/emotional/social qualities that you can find that are attractive to you.  

She then moves down to his legs and his physical presence (Song 5:15).  His legs are strong and stable like columns of marble.  It is interesting to note that of all the objects of architecture that seem to last through time columns seem to stand up.  I am not sure that this is what the writer of this meant, but strong legs seem to be a complement of stability and staying power.  Notice the place he is standing is one of purity and righteousness (Pedestals of pure gold).  She also complements his presence.  He is majestic as the choice cedars of Lebanon. 

She returns to his mouth and says that it is sweetness (Song 5:16).  This is likely a reference to what and how he talks to her (less likely his kisses).  Two things to note one he must be saying sweet things and two she is giving him credit.  Men may not admit it, but we like it when wives say, "Do you know how sweet my husband is..."  Most of the time that is not the direction of the conversation.  It more often male bashing.  We may laugh in the moment, but when a man is emasculated in front of others sexual intimacy suffers and that is not funny. 

She also says he is desirable.  Men long to be desired by their wives.  A whole industry is built around the false illusion that there is a woman that desires the man (pornography).  I don't say this to make you feel that you are in competition with the industry.  Rather you have an opportunity to give him what he longs for, a woman that desires him.  This is real and much more satisfying than the image.  What is more it is sanctioned by God as a good thing.  Having a wife that desires her husband is a real turn on to a man. 

She concludes with two very important statements about sexual intimacy with males (Song 5:16).  First she describes him as her lover.  She is saying that she is sexually available for her and he is sexually available for her.  It is destructive to a marriage to not be available to each other.  It is equally destructive to be available for the sex act, but not be available for sexual intimacy.  If you struggle with either of these problems it needs to be addressed.  You will strengthen your marriage bond in doing so.  Pretending like it will get better is foolish (because it usually does not).  Men who experience sexual intimacy with their wives do not go have affairs generally.  So it also protects your marriage. 

The last thing she says is that he is her friend.  There is a statement I heard once in a marriage seminar, "Men do not question if their wives love them, but they often question whether their wives really like them."  When I have shared this with men I get a strong affirmation that this is how they feel.  Women need to be heard, and men need to be liked.  By the way friendship in this way is different for men than for women.  So learn what it means to your husband to be a friend and become his best friend.  It will strengthen your sexual intimacy as a result. 

I hope that this post will elevate your husband's sexuality out of the gutter of "men are lustful visual creatures that need to engage in regular sex or they will stray" to God's ideal for masculine sexuality.  Men we need to aspire to confront the lies that are being told about our sexuality and that to a certain extent we have bought into and believed about ourselves.  It is time to tear down the banner lifted up by false view of male sexuality (created by a godless culture) and raise the banner that God has given us in his word.  We are more dignified than what the world says about us and it is time that we view our sexuality though God's eyes and act accordingly.

As always blessings to you!

Sexual Intimacy According to the Bible

Image via Wikipedia

The Song of Songs is representative of health sexuality in marriage.  I will in the next posts share with some of the Bible teaches on sexual intimacy.  I have been reading an commentary by Mark E Washburn called "To Find and Enjoy the Love of Your Life."  In this book he helps to bring to light the symbolism as well as the cultural idiosyncrasies of the book.  I would recommend it. 

Song of Songs 4:1-5:1 represents a couples first night together.  In this we see a natural progression of the consummation of marriage vows.  Most of the verses focus on what the husband is saying to his new bride.  The interesting thing about this text is that it is graphic without being pornographic.  It is a beautiful expression of God Plan for sexual intimacy. 

How beautiful you are, my darling. How very beautiful! Behind your veil, your eyes are doves. Your hair is like a flock of goats streaming down Mount Gilead.
Song of Songs 4:1 (HCSB)

On this wedding night the bride maintains her modesty.  Behind the veil her husband takes time to notice her eyes.  There is something about connecting with the eyes.  There is an old English proverb "Eyes are windows to the soul."  Making that eye to eye contact communicates a level of intimacy and trust in the relationship. 

A Casual glimpse of your mate, husband, and failure to look into her eyes is a failure to appreciate what God wants you to see in her heart before and after marriage.
-To Find and Enjoy the Love of your Life

The husband goes on to notice the beauty of her hair.  Verbalizing how beautiful your wife is a part of intimacy. 

Your teeth are like a flock of newly shorn sheep coming up from washing, each one having a twin, and not one missing. Your lips are like a scarlet cord, and your mouth is lovely. Behind your veil, your brow is like a slice of pomegranate.
Song of Songs 4:2-3 (HCSB)

He moves on to her face.  Her teeth, lips, and mouth get his attention.  It seems that she is smiling after his initial complements.  He is drawn to her lips.  We might say your lips are kissable.  Pomegranate has a double meaning it seems.  First his wife has done her best to make her self up.  She has a very deep red make up on her face.  Pomegranate also is a symbol of sexuality.  It was revered as an aphrodisiac in ancient times.  So he is saying that her face is making him excited sexually. 

Side note:  Pomegranates have been found in recent studies to increase male and female libido as well as help with erectile dysfunction.  Those ancients knew what they were talking about.

Your neck is like the tower of David, constructed in layers. A thousand bucklers are hung on it- all of them shields of warriors.
Song of Songs 4:4 (HCSB)

Without understanding the context this verse would seem very odd indeed.  First he is not praising her long neck, which is what I though at first.  It appears that she must have a very fancy necklace on.   The reference to the  "tower of David" and "shields of warriors" is important.  The tower of David had shields of warriors hung on it symbolizing the commitment to protect and defend.  I believe that the husband was not only appreciating the fine jewelry, but also making a statement of protecting and defending their love together. 

Your breasts are like two fawns, twins of a gazelle, that feed among the lilies.
Song of Songs 4:5 (HCSB)

The husband moving down is admiring her breasts.  This is the first time that he has seen them.  In his previous description of her beauty her breasts are left out.  Gazelles are beautiful, sleek, and graceful creatures.  Twins are rare as gazelles usually give birth to only one.  The husband is saying that her breast are a rare beauty.  In Song of songs 5:3 we learn that the husband's lips are compared to lilies, and so it would appear here that he does more than notice the beauty of his wife's breasts, but he also kisses them. 

Before the day breaks and the shadows flee, I will make my way to the mountain of myrrh and the hill of frankincense.
Song of Songs 4:6 (HCSB)

I want to point out how slow this husband is moving toward the act of sex (until the early morning he will make love to her).  It is important to note that sexual intimacy has a slow moving flow.  We can have sexual intimacy on the quick but it is not nearly as satisfying as if we move slowly with our spouse.  Appreciate the mutual attraction for one another.  Allow love's passion to draw you in don't force raw desire. 

He continues to talk about her breasts.  He is smelling the perfume that she has been keeping between her breasts for this occasion (Songs 1:13).  This is a moment of intense passion. 

You are absolutely beautiful, my darling, with no imperfection in you.
Song of Songs 4:7 (HCSB)

The husband has noted 7 things about his wife that express her beauty.  Seven is the number of perfection.  He is expressing her perfect beauty.  It also is a number that represents God.  It could be that he is praising God for giving him a beautiful wife. 

Try it out.  See if you, husband, can name seven beautiful features that you see in your wife.  Obviously some of her features others will notice as well as yourself.  Then there will be some features that you may regard as beautiful others may not see or appreciate.
-To Find and Enjoy the Love of Your Life

You have captured my heart, my sister, my bride. You have captured my heart with one glance of your eyes, with one jewel of your necklace. How delightful your love is, my sister, my bride. Your love is much better than wine, and the fragrance of your perfume than any balsam.
Song of Songs 4:9-10 (HCSB)

The husband is head over heals in love with her.  There is an unfortunate belief in male culture that some how it is unmanly to allow a woman to capture your heart.  There are expression of "whipped man" comes to mind.  It seems that it is more important to maintain a sense of respectable independence than to please the woman he loves.  To be sure such a man has not allowed his wife to capture his heart.  True sexual intimacy will be hard to come by if this does not occur.  He goes on to say that the love of his wife is better than any earthly pleasure.  He is devoted to her love.  Side note:  The expression "my sister" might weird us out in our modern culture.  However it is an expression of a deep close protective relationship.  Not that he sees her as his biological sister. 

Your lips drip sweetness like the honeycomb, my bride. Honey and milk are under your tongue. The fragrance of your garments is like the fragrance of Lebanon.
Song of Songs 4:11 (HCSB)

Things are moving along.  After sharing more about his love for her he begins to passionately kiss her on the lips.  This is no mere peck.  This is sweetness, honey and milk deep passionate kissing (note the tongue is involved here).  He continues to be intoxicated by the smell of her.

My sister, my bride, you are a locked garden- a locked garden and a sealed spring.
Song of Songs 4:12 (HCSB)

The passion of the moment draws them ever closer to the moment of marital bliss.  Notice that she is locked up.  This is an expression of virginity.  This is their wedding night after all.  He goes on to describe her garden in Songs 4:13-15.  There is the pomegranates again. Except now it is not a mere slice, but tree containing "a paradise of Pomegranates."  Needless to say the husband is quite overcome with sexual desire toward his wife. 

Fountains and Springs are occasionally used in the Bible to express sexual intimacy between a husband and wife.  This is a shared fountain and spring.  It is to be exclusive.  Proverbs 5:15-20 admonishes that sexuality be expressed exclusively between a husband and wife using this imagery. 

Awaken, north wind- come, south wind. Blow on my garden, and spread the fragrance of its spices. Let my love come to his garden and eat its choicest fruits.
Song of Songs 4:16 (HCSB)

And with that the husband is invited to enjoy his wife.  Note a couple of things.  The act of sex after a long period of foreplay is initiated by the invitation of the wife.  The husband has not forced himself upon her.  What is more is the wife says "his garden."  We would do well to recognize that sexual intimacy is carried in the basket of mutual respect and mutual belongingness.  That is to say one does not ever do anything that is violation of the other (they are invited) and each recognizes that his/her body is not their own (1 Cor 7:3-4). 

I have come to my garden-my sister, my bride. I gather my myrrh with my spices. I eat my honeycomb with my honey. I drink my wine with my milk.

Eat, friends! Drink, be intoxicated with love!
Song of Songs 5:1 (HCSB)

The husband and wife enjoy their sexuality with each other.  Sexual intimacy has been achieved.  Notice that the husband expresses is deep satisfaction with what has just happened.   It has been fulfilling experience for him (and for her I suspect). 

This last phrase is seen by commentators as the voice of God.  He is expressing His blessing on the sexual intimacy that has just occurred.  May you be intoxicated with love for your spouse.  If you are not married then may you remain as a locked Garden or a sealed fountain until you can share that special intimacy with your spouse some day.  God bless you all.

Sexual Trauma

Image via Wikipedia

Sexual Trauma is a barrier to sexual intimacy.  Trauma comes in many forms.  The most extreme is sexual abuse, but it can come in milder forms.  For example someone with increased sensitivity catching your spouse looking at porn can be a trauma.  Another might be finding out your spouse is having an affair.  Childhood sexual abuse is a sexual trauma.  Sexual trauma is when an event that threatens your well being and the associated feelings become connected to sexual behavior.  Often the associated feelings are subconscious.  They will pop up without understanding or explanation.   Sexual trauma can be from within the marriage or from some other event from the past.  To be clear unwanted sexual behavior of an aggressive nature is abuse whether the couple is unmarried or married.  Forced sexual contact is rape regardless of marital status. 

One of the difficult aspects of trauma is that the memory and associated feelings are often locked into the brain and do not go away.  There can be some relief through various therapies, but it only takes a moment to bring up those feelings from the past.   Imagine if you will a super camera that records everything, sight, sound, smell (very strong in trauma), thought, feeling, sensation.  Now that super camera has an automatic alarm attached to it that is loud enough to wake the soundest of sleepers.  That is what it is like to experience sexual trauma and cues that remind of the past trauma.

Once trauma is encoded into the brain it pretty much becomes a permanent part of that persons life story.  Interesting there are some therapy techniques that help people retell their story so that they can better cope in the present.  This may make coping more effective, yet even in this scenario the trauma is still a part of the life story.   

One of the most unhelpful things you can do if your spouse is struggling with sexual trauma is to tell them to either "get over it" or "stop punishing me."  "Get over it" is irritating and down right disrespectful.  It communicates you are not a safe person to deal with genuine feelings and blames the victim.  Remember your spouse is the victim.  "Stop punishing me" is playing the victim.  You are not the victim in sexual trauma (at least in this hypothetical scenario) your spouse is.  You cannot help your spouse leave the role of victim by playing one yourself. 

Let me just say if you are in a relationship in which trauma is regularly occurring or is severe in nature you need to find a safe place.  Reconciling with a person should be done with the greatest of caution and only after the person has demonstrated a change in heart and change in behavior.  Placing yourself in a dangerous situation is foolishness don't do it!!!!!!

To help a spouse who is a victim of sexual trauma you have to recognize your role in it. 

If you are the person that instigated the trauma you have to make a full admission to your role and take steps to break the behavior that traumatized your spouse in the first place.  You have to take responsibility for these behaviors without blaming your spouse.  Sexual Trauma is often rooted in anger.  You have to be willing to take a look at how you handle anger, frustration, and irritability.  You might need to seek out help of another as you learn to deal effectively with anger.  If you do not then your spouse will not feel safe to allow for sexual intimacy. 

You might be thinking, "But I did not cause this."  It is important to recognize that people who have been traumatized can and often are retraumatized by the behavior of others.  You may not have initiated the trauma, but as the spouse of a victim of sexual abuse you have an obligation to takes steps to not retraumatize them.   You have to be willing to break from those behaviors regardless of how your spouse should feel or not feel safe.  Stated another way:  You cannot help your spouse develop coping skills for past trauma by constantly pulling the scab of the wound.  

If you are the victim of sexual trauma and you desire to have true sexual intimacy with your spouse then you have to take a path of learning to trust another with your body and vulnerably again.  It is not an easy path, but it can be done.  If your spouse is the cause of the sexual trauma and is repentant then you are needing to take the path of going FORTH (see previous post).  You also may want to seek additional help of a counselor, pastor, and/or trusted friend. 

It is sad that in order to accomplish ideal sexual intimacy that we have to address the ugliness of sexual sin whether the guilty party or the victim or the spouse of the victim.  However, we have to take a stand to protect others from trauma and become safe people else we risk becoming part of the problem.  Without repentance (a change of heart and direction) then true sexual intimacy cannot occur. 

One of the most beautiful things that can happen in marriage is that the relationship can be a source of great healing and hope.  If both spouses commit to loving each other in the manner in which you hold the other's needs higher than your own and you enlist the healing power that exists in the grace of God then genuine healing can be the result.  Together you can build sexual intimacy and overcome the past sexual trauma through a safe, compassionate, loving, caring marriage.  If it is lost then it can be restored if both spouses seek it.  If it is present then your marriage is a place of great worth. 

Two Barriers to Sexual Intimacy

There are many areas that I believe that need to be addressed in the context of healthy sexual intimacy.  The first two have to do with sexual brokenness and false intimacy which I will cover in this post.  These two form a barrier to intimacy. 

There are so many people that struggle with sexual brokenness.  I would define sexual brokenness as a state of sexual sin with an intense self-hatred.  You can have sexual brokenness with just about any object live or inanimate.  Some can even have sexual brokenness in sexual behavior with his/her spouse.  The most common sexual brokenness looking lustfully at someone other than your spouse.  It seems that pornography is one of the most common forms of this type of brokenness. There are many other forms of brokenness which I do not have a desire to list out here, but I think that a good definition is some type of sexual arousal/gratification outside the marriage that leads to self-hatred. 

Most that struggle with sexual brokenness feel trapped.  For many it has been a life long struggle.  In case you don't believe there is a serious problem with this then I suggest that you take a look at the statistics from Safe Families.  They have compiled a list of statistics that should open your eyes to the sexual brokenness epidemic.  There are some that refer to sexual brokenness as addiction and others whom argue that addiction is not possible with a natural biological function.  Those that believe it is not an addiction describe these behaviors as obsessive-compulsive or just sinful.  Whether sexual brokenness is rooted in addiction, obsession, or just plain ol' sin people that struggle with it will often experience a feeling of loss of control. 

Sexual brokenness in a marriage is a barrier to sexual intimacy and radical action must be taken for full intimacy to occur.  There are many resources available to help you if you are stuck in this.  Here are some suggested things to review:  Focus on the Family, Pure Intimacy, Setting Captives Free, Every Man's Battle, X3Church (For the younger edgy crowd), and filtering software: Safe Eyes, Covenant Eyes, Bsecure (my recommendation), As well as recommend these post from my Blog: Battle of two natures and Setting your mind on the Spirit.

False intimacy is similar to sexual brokenness in that it is a barrier to sexual intimacy.  In false intimacy your sexuality is bonded with something other than your spouse as fellow companion.  Pornography is a struggle for some with sexual brokenness, but can also be a problem for those who do not.  The false intimacy of porn (whether the soft type that passes for prime time TV or the hard-core found on the internet) is sexual gratification without commitment.  I remember some crass comments when I used to work construction from married men saying, "I can window shop."  This is a false intimacy of the eyes.  It also is a type of gratification without commitment.  Affairs are based on false intimacy.  You can have adultery in affairs, but true sexual intimacy is not possible.  Affairs always are rooted in deception, broken promises, and infidelity.  There can never be true intimacy in such a situation.  Any perceived intimacy in the midst of adultery is false.  There can be false intimacy within the marital relationship as well.  The behavioral repertoire of a couple replaces a true sense of connection.  Emotional, spiritual, and physical intimacy are often diminished or absent in these cases. The behavior surrounding sex can take precedence over the relationship as well in this way sex becomes a form of false intimacy. 

One of the things that drives brokenness and false intimacy is sexual bonding in my estimation.  The brain is a powerful sexual organ.  When people are involved in sexual situations (arousal, or the act itself)  the brain is releasing powerful substances which if came in pill form would either be outlawed or considered a controlled substance.  Some of the Neuro-Chemicals associated with sex are:

epinephrine (adrenaline), testosterone (Male hormone), endorphins (feeling of well being and absence of pain), oxytocin (important substance in feelings of love and bonding), dopamine (reward seeking), serotonin (good mood), phenylethylamine (Endogenous amphetamine) and others

In the process of arousal the sexual image becomes an object of desire.  This occurs whether the image is real, inanimate, or imagined.  With repetition the image becomes more and more imbedded in the brain.  In some ways the image becomes a personal sexual ideal (a sexual idol).  The behaviors associated with this idol become fixed and in many cases automatic (like riding a bike or driving a car).  I will sometimes use the analogy of a well worn rut that when ever the wheels fall into they take you to the same place again.  From a spiritual stand point you begin to worship the idol.  From a neuro-chemical stand point the powerful reward chemicals in your brain released by this activity reinforce the behavior making it more likely that you will engage in this behavior in the future (kind of like a hit from drugs).  The bonding chemicals make you feel connected to the object and/or behavior associated with the object.  It is this bonding that I believe forms the biological basis for false intimacy (and sexual brokenness). 

To combat false intimacy one must first acknowledge it is false.  This is difficult because you have acknowledge something that contradicts what you feel.  Overcoming biology is one of the most difficult things that we can do in life.  The Bible refers to this as "dying to self" and putting to death the deeds of the flesh."  You acknowledge that it is false and determine to starve that sexual idol and refuse to worship it any longer.  Nothing short of a full break will do.  There also must be a reconnection to genuine intimacy.  Making a break without reengaging true intimacy will leave you vulnerable to falling back into false intimacy.  From a spiritual stand point you must turn to God and trust in him.  Turning to your spouse without turning to God puts you at risk of making your spouse an idol and worshiping your spouse as a sexual object and not treating them as a true person. 

You must be on guard against sexual brokenness and false intimacy if you are to have hope of developing true sexual intimacy with your spouse.  There needs to be an acknowledgement of the problem and a clean break from it (repentance).  If you need help along the way talk with a pastor, Christian therapist, or trusted friend.  Seek accountability and more importantly seek the Lord. 

Your Needs

If you are married then God has given you an extraordinary opportunity to store up treasure in heaven. 

Don't collect for yourselves treasures on earth, where moth and rust destroy and where thieves break in and steal. But collect for yourselves treasures in heaven, where neither moth nor rust destroys, and where thieves don't break in and steal. For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also.
Matthew 6:19-21 (HCSB)

Do you treasure your spouse?  If marriage is a spiritual union between man and woman then how much more can be gained in heaven than to invest in the marriage relationship.  It is like a savings account in the sky.  I sincerely believe that one of the treasures that we build in heaven is the time that we invest in other's lives.  That makes your spouse a built in heavenly treasure chest.  Kinda cool if you think about it. 

"If you want to be perfect," Jesus said to him, "go, sell your belongings and give to the poor, and you will have treasure in heaven. Then come, follow Me." When the young man heard that command, he went away grieving, because he had many possessions.
Matthew 19:21-22 (HCSB)

Jesus is plainly telling this fellow that treasure is stored in heaven by meeting the needs of other people (the poor in this case)!

Sell your possessions and give to the poor. Make money-bags for yourselves that won't grow old, an inexhaustible treasure in heaven, where no thief comes near and no moth destroys. For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also.
Luke 12:33-34 (HCSB)

Same message here and he adds that our heart is directed to what we treasure in this life!

Her husband also praises her: "Many women are capable, but you surpass them all!"
Proverbs 31:28-29 (HCSB)

TREASURE: A thing of highly-estimated value
Orville Nave, "TREASURE," in Nave's Topical Bible: A Digest of The Holy Sciptures, (New York: Topical Bible Publishing Co., 1896), WORDsearch CROSS e-book, Under: "TREASURE".

We treasure our spouses by praising them and building them up.  When we esteem them in public and with family!  We express the great value they are to us and what we find valuable in them. 

Let your fountain be blessed, and take pleasure in the wife of your youth. A loving doe, a graceful fawn- let her breasts always satisfy you; be lost in her love forever. Why, my son, would you be infatuated with a forbidden woman or embrace the breast of a stranger?
Proverbs 5:18-20 (HCSB)

We treasure our spouses when we are loyal to them without turning to others for emotional, physical, spiritual, and sexual false intimacy.  We also treasure our spouses when we meet our spouse's genuine and legitimate need for emotional, physical, spiritual and sexual intimacy.

In the same way, older women are to be reverent in behavior, not slanderers, not addicted to much wine. They are to teach what is good, so they may encourage the young women to love their husbands and to love their children.
Titus 2:3-4 (HCSB)

Husbands, love your wives and don't be bitter toward them.
Colossians 3:19 (HCSB)

We meet our spouse's needs when we love them in the way that God asks us to and in the example that he provides.  This is a sacrificial self-giving love. 

Husbands, in the same way, live with your wives with an understanding of their weaker nature yet showing them honor as co-heirs of the grace of life, so that your prayers will not be hindered.
1 Peter 3:7 (HCSB)

To sum up...the wife is to respect her husband.
Ephesians 5:33 (HCSB)

We meet our spouse's needs when we understand, honor, and respect them. 

We honor our wives when we proclaim their beauty.  Not vain beauty of the world (which is really a false image dare I say an idol), but the true beauty that exists as being a woman of God that is valued and precious in your sight. 

Wives you honor your husbands when you celebrate his accomplishments, willingness to go to work for you and family (no matter how small or great the income may be), and the fact that he would lay down his life for you. 

When we work to meet the needs of our spouse we are making an investment in this life and in the next.  We invest in this life because our marriage is blessed by the effort.  We invest in the next because we store treasure in heaven.  May God richly bless your treasure seeking, but more than that may God richly bless the treasure chest that is your marriage. 

Not sure what to do?  Consider the Love Dare as a start!

Spiritual Intimacy

Image by ToniVC via Flickr

This is why a man leaves his father and mother and bonds with his wife, and they become one flesh. Both the man and his wife were naked, yet felt no shame.
Genesis 2:24-25 (HCSB)

Genesis 2:24-25 expresses the spiritual ideal for marriage. 

Leaving the family of origin

It is important to understand the meaning of this leaving.  Some would take this to mean that we must cut off our family of origin.  I have met with couples who take this stance.  They do this to there detriment at times in light of:

Honor your father and your mother so that you may have a long life in the land that Yahweh your God is giving you.
Exodus 20:12 (HCSB)

Some would say that this command is only for children.  However Jesus plainly tells an adult that he is to honor his mother and father in Matthew 19:16-19.  So as you can see either we have a contradiction or the intent of Genesis 2:24 is not to communicate the idea of cutting off.  The idea captured by the word leave is that we are leaving something behind.  It is releasing some object.  Often those objects are a barrier that keeps us from being all that God wants us to be.  In this case holding on to intimacy with your family of origin will get in the way of full intimacy with your spouse.  Take a look at what Adam has just said in this passage:

And the man said: This one, at last, is bone of my bone and flesh of my flesh; this one will be called "woman," for she was taken from man.
Genesis 2:23 (HCSB)

Adam could not find a suitable helper from all of God's Creation.  First it should be recognized that man had a need.  We are incomplete in one sense without our helpmate. "This one" There is only one and not more than one, but "this one" is from me and with me.  There is hardly a more intimate bond that can be expressed than in the marriage relationship.  However not leaving the intimacy of your family of origin is detrimental to intimacy with your spouse. 

Not wanting to be misunderstood, let me plainly say that we need to honor our parents.  This would include listening to them, caring for them, seeking their wisdom, cherishing them, loving them, and respecting them.  This passage has no effect on this part of the relationship with our parents.  However, one must make a spiritual break from his or her parents if they are to experience oneness with his or her spouse. 

Bonding

Bonding is the intimacy that occurs in a relationship that draw two together into one relationship.  Ideally the highest bond is our relationship with God.  Next in order would be our relationship with our spouse.  We bond to our spouse by approaching and holding.  This bond in consummated in the act of sexual intercourse (more on sexual intimacy in a future post).  Often in our free culture with regard to sexual morality we have weakened the bond by reducing the spiritual nature of sexuality into a mere act of gratification and procreation.  Bonding is a process that occurs as the couple meets, get's to know each other, develop trust, become physical, then sexually involved as well as Spiritually intimate.  Ideally the last part occurs in the safety and security of marriage bonds.  When people trade the bonding process for sex (the act not intimacy) then then tend to bond with whatever object is used for sexual gratification (more on this in the Sexual intimacy post). 

Becoming One

It is a great mystery of how two individuals can become one.  It is a spiritual connection that ties them together at the depth of the soul.  This oneness is expressed in all manner of actions and yet the actions themselves do not make a couple one.  For example oneness is expressed in devotion to one another.  However devotion is not a way to achieve oneness.  There is an expression that the whole is greater than the sum of it's parts.  In this case becoming one is greater than the acts that express that oneness.  Magnetic attraction is a useful illustration:

This is two magnets aligned to repel each other.  Note how the magnetic fields do not connect and radiate away from each other.
This one the magnets are still aligned to repel, but are forced together.  It makes a nice flower shape, but still the fields radiate away from each other.
In this one the magnets are separated but aligned to attract each other.  You can see that even though there are two different fields they still are connected.
In this picture the magnets are aligned to attract and are connected.  Notice there is one single new magnetic field that is created.
What is more is that it looks like the magnetic field of a single magnet. "The two shall become one"

Images use with permission Hoadley, Rick.  "Magnet Man".  http://www.coolmagnetman.com  1998-2010

These illustrate spiritual intimacy in this way. If a couple is not aligned spiritually no amount of forcing them together (even with religious doctrine) is going to make them one.  What is more the spirituality of the other is likely going to repel the other away from them.  For example this happens often when a spouse looks at the other and says he/she is not acting according to God's word while not examining whether they are loving or honoring their spouse in the way that God desires them to.   On the other hand, If a couple is aligned spiritually then separation will result in an attraction that pulls the couple back together.  What is more when they come together they become one.   The attraction or repulsion is evidenced by the effect on the two individuals, but the spiritual field is invisible to the naked eye. 

They Were Naked

Spiritual intimacy involves vulnerability at its deepest level.  Believe it or not being comfortable with each other while naked is a good measure of spiritual intimacy in my estimation.  If there is a lack of comfort then it indicates that the spouse has some insecurity that has not been overcome by spiritual intimacy.  That is not to say that you go around naked all the time.  But in those intimate moments there is a deep love and devotion toward each other that transcends nakedness.  There also is a purity spiritually speaking as well.  Note it was not until after sin entered the world that the first couple realized they were naked and they rushed to cover up at that point (see Genesis 3:7).  When sin enters a relationship spiritual intimacy breaks down. 

Feeling No Shame

Negative feelings are destructive to Spiritual Intimacy none more destructive than shame.  Shame seeks a way out, run away, cover up, escape, fight back, blame, close off, avoid, push away, and ultimately cut off.  Being able to come together and experience no shame is a spiritual event in the life of a couple.  It is a feeling of all is right in the world as long as we are together.  Without shame marriage is a place to honor, celebrate, admire, exult, prize your spouse.