Coping with Anger

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There are times in which the situation that has you upset is not going to change or at least not change in the short term.  It is at these times that we have to learn to cope and work through the difficulty.  Here are some strategies for coping with anger. 

Express Feelings through�

We have an extraordinary ability to channel strongly held emotions in to all kinds of activities.  We can do this with anger.  The possibilities are as varied as people are varied.  I tend to express my feelings through writing.  But you could also write music, make music, create art and so on.

Go for a walk

Walking often takes you away from the anger provoking situation.  It lets cooler heads to prevail.  It also uses up some of the excess energy that comes from being upset.  When you walk try to clear your mind using CALM MIND. 

Physical Exercise and/or sports

Doing something physical helps to release the energy and can also be a acceptable way to release anger.  A little bit of an edge can be gained through anger.  I know that when I am lifting weights for example I can lift a little more weight or a couple more sets when I have been angry. 

Continue to relax

Relaxed and angry states are incompatible.   That is to say you cannot be physiologically angry and calm at the same time.  Here are some ways to practice relaxation.

Avoiding trouble

"Don't do it,  Don't say that!"  Your conscience is sounding off the alarm and you just plow right through with your own way.  Ever done that?  Well it seems silly to point this out, but in reality we need the reminder.  Approaching troublesome situations while you are feeling angry it a bit like pouring gasoline on a fire. 

Setting Healthy Boundaries

Sometimes our anger comes from the fact that we have not set healthy boundaries for ourselves.  We want to say, "NO!" but cave to other's desires at the expense of our own well being.  In this case the anger is resentment toward the other person for taking advantage of us.  We bear some of the responsibility. If we become good at setting boundaries with others then we can avoid situations where we reluctantly go along with things that hurt ourselves in the end.  Boundaries can be hard to set for someone that has been reluctant to do so.  First you have to guard your heart.  If people can hurt you at a heart level you are unlikely to set firm boundaries.  Then you have to give yourself permission to say "NO."  Next you have to learn to be assertive in a positive way rather than passive or aggressive way.  Finally you have to be clear and firm with what your boundaries are.  I think the topic of boundaries deserves a post to itself.  Maybe in the near future I will do some on the topic. 

Humor

Humor is good medicine.  You may not feel like it when you are upset, but humor can lift the spirits.  Whether it is you adding a little levity to a tense situation or if it is finding something humorous to be entertained with.  There is a strong indication in research that humor is one characteristic of a mutually satisfying marriage.  I believe that humor keeps us out of the hurtful bitterness that comes from unresolved anger. 

Personal Reflection

Sometimes when we are annoyed and irritated it is not clear to us why.  Sometimes we are upset with ourselves and we take it out on others.  Sometimes we are just plain selfish.  In these cases I believe personal reflection is in order.  Finding the root cause of your anger even if it is yourself or is a reflection of self-centeredness is useful in sorting things out.  Personal reflection can take the form of meditation over the situation to understand (not stew or blame).  It can be through writing it down (in a journal or a log).  The goal is to be more aware of your thoughts and pay attention to your internal dialogue. 

Meditation on Scriptures

I find that the Bible is like a mirror to the soul.  We look into a mirror to fix our hair and see our faces.  But we do not see the deeper self, our soul.  When we look into scriptures and we allow God's Holy Spirit to do His work the Bible becomes a powerful force in our lives to reveal our inner nature.  Meditation on scriptures not only is revealing, but it is also transformative.  Meditation will take your anger and change it to love and forgiveness. 

Forgiveness

The highest act we can do in our lives is to forgive one who has offended us.  Forgiveness is an act of the will choosing to live peaceably with consequences of someone else's missing the mark (sin).  In so far as it is possible with you you choose to live at peace with the person who has offended (Romans 12:18).  Forgiveness is not saying what someone has done to hurt you is right.  Forgiveness is not the elimination of external consequences.   Forgiveness is not putting yourself back into a situation to be hurt again. 

Unforgiveness hurts you more than it hurts the person you do not forgive.  In reality the person you refuse to forgive does not likely  think of how they offended you.  If they were thoughtful of you then they would not have offended you in the first place.  Or if they do care about how they offended then they would have quickly sought reconciliation.  As it is when you hold on to the hurt it becomes bitterness and bitterness becomes despair and despair robs you of life. 

 

In the end anger is a complex and rich emotion.  We have to learn to respect and use anger in a healthy way.  Anger itself is not bad, but much evil can come from anger if we let it.  On the other hand if we use anger to push us to greater action and to transform our lives and the lives of others then it can be a force for much good.  The choice it yours.  What will you do the next time you are affected by this passionate emotion we call "anger."

 

God Bless You
~BJ

Calming the Mind (MIND)

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In the last post we talked about Contentment, Acceptance, Loving, and Mindfulness as a way to calm the mind. This is a way to deal with angry and worried thoughts. In this post I want to take this idea further and address Meditation, "I AM Worth it", Nurture, and Diversion as a way to deal with this type of thinking.

Meditation

I have previously posted on the subject of meditation here. Meditation is a contemplative awareness of your own thoughts, others, around you, and most importantly God. It is a deeper way of knowing what is going on. It is a discipline that requires much practice to become good at. Do not expect to meditate once and have calmness as a result. In fact meditation may take as long as three weeks practicing every day before a person starts to see the benefit.

I AM Worth it

OK I cheated on this one. I borrowed "I AM Worth it" from Dr. Redford Williams1. I AM Worth it is an acronym that helps you to remember four important questions.

Important: Is this important?

Appropriate: Is my anger appropriate for the given situation
Modify: Can I change my situation?

Worth it: Is change worth the effort?

Answering "Yes" to all of these would show that you have a problem to solve. Armed with this insight you can focus your energy toward an effective and productive solution. On the other hand answering "No" to any of these would show that you have a problem to cope with. This would mean that you need to find a way to get through and resolve your angry feelings.

Nurture

It is much easier to grow when there is someone to give you instruction, support, and encouragement. His/her nurturance is a powerful influence for growth. What can you do though when you are not with someone who can cheer you through the difficult moment. One thing to do is to develop some short phrases that you can say to yourself that will help you to self-nurture to a better outcome. Some suggestions for self-nurture comments would be:

"I can do this."
"I have faced situations more difficult than this before."
"When I figure this out I will be a better person."
"If I watch my reaction then I am effective in the way I respond"
"Cool Down."
"Take it easy."
"I am almost through this."
"I can to all things through Christ who strengthens me."

Maybe you can think of some of your own. The key to self-nurture statements is repetition. In the heat of the moment you do not want to search for the words. You want the words to come naturally. So identifying the phrases for yourself and practicing them is a good way to remember them.

Diversion

Diversion is a quick way to get the mind off of an angry moment. The way that it works is to find an activity that can get your mind off of things. Some might read a book, listen to music, do housework. For me doing yard-work is a good place to get my mind off of frustrations. A word of caution though; it does not work to divert your action, but leave your mind dwelling on the situation. The goal of the diversion is to get your mind off of the situations so that you calm down. One problem with using diversion all the time is that it becomes the bad habit of avoidance. If you have a problem that you are avoiding you will never solve the problem. Sometimes diversion for the moment, but then return to the problem at hand and addressing it is the best course of action compared to having an angry outburst.

What would it take for you to have a "CALM MIND?" Contentment, Acceptance, Loving, Mindfulness, Meditation, "I AM Worth it," Nurturance, and Diversion only work as you practice them. Having the idea of doing something is not the same as doing it. Trying it once is not the same as doing it well. If you want the have a CALM MIND it will take practice, repetition, and consistency. If make this commitment then you will find that you are able change your angry thoughts to more helpful and productive thinking. In the end you will cope and problem solve more effectively, which is something that I believe we can all work on.

God Bless You

 

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1Duke Health Medicine Health Line (Nov. 26, 2007). Why Anger Kills. DukeHealth.org. Retrieved December 31, 2010, from http://www.dukehealth.org/health_library/health_articles/whyangerkills

Path to Peace

Returning back to my posts on anger, I previously posted on the ring of anger.  The ring of anger keeps anger going without resolution.  Just avoiding the things that are unproductive and unhealthy with anger does not resolve the feeling of anger.  I would even go further and say that unless you do something with the anger you are likely "stuffing it." 

The path of peace is a better way to handle the feelings of anger.  Remember it is not anger that is good or bad it is the way you handle it that makes it good or bad.  The four ways that are the path to peace are Show it positive (express it), Shape it, Sort it out, and/or Surrender it. 

Show It Positive (Express It)

Since you put away lying, Speak the truth, each one to his neighbor, because we are members of one another. Be angry and do not sin. Don't let the sun go down on your anger, and don't give the Devil an opportunity.
Ephesians 4:25-27 (HCSB)

One of the signs of emotional maturity is the ability to express feelings in a healthy manner.  Expressing anger in a mature, clear, and healthy way is very difficult.  Part of the reason is that when you are angry the thinking/planning/organizing/rationalizing part of your brain is slowed way down.  The other part of your brain is sending the signal "punch this guy" or "run away."  The rational part of your brain is lucky to guide that into a verbal response which usually results in a verbal attack or quiet seething.  While the verbal response is desirable to a physical attack it is lacking in emotional maturity. 

Expressing emotions like anger in a mature manner involves several steps.  First you have to be aware that you are angry.  That might seem funny to you, but most people that struggle with anger are not aware of their anger until after they have said or done something that they regret or hurt another person.  You may have said or been told in a loud angry tone, "I AM NOT ANGRY!"  It is the contradiction that demonstrates a lack of awareness.  The second step is understanding why you are angry.  "What is the trigger?"  "What do I believe about the situation?"  "Do I understand why I am feeling this way?"  After you are aware of and understand your anger, then it is time to put it into words.  The typical suggestion is "When" (Fill in the trigger) "happens I feel angry."  There are many words that describe the feeling of anger that can be applied to different types of anger as well as different intensities of anger.  Find the right word.  It might be helpful to learn a vocabulary of anger (more in a future post).

Shape It

A ruler can be persuaded through patience, and a gentle tongue can break a bone.
Proverbs 25:15 (HCSB)

In 1980 13-year-old Cari Lightner was killed by a drunk driver.  Candy Lightner was  devastated by the loss, as any parent would be.  She learned that the man that had killed her daughter would not spend much (if any) time in jail.  She felt enraged and helpless. Candy her mother promised herself that she would not let her daughter's death be meaningless.  Later that same year Candy formed Mother's Against Drunk Drivers (MADD) on September 5, 1980 (Cari's Birthday). 

Anger is a powerful force.  Undirected it is destructive to the victim and the perpetrator.  But if that force can be channeled it becomes an unstoppable movement for positive change.  How does one woman's anger become an international movement?  It is in the quality of shaping your anger to a positive outcome.  Now you may not start a national movement (or maybe you might), but you can use that same force to accomplish some good in your life and the life of others.  It takes support from friends and family. A willingness to let go of the destructive side of anger, and an unwavering commitment to see that anger motivate you to greater action.  It will take greater effort and thoughtfulness, but the wonderful thing about anger is how incredibly motivating it is.  Use that motivation or energy to do something positive.  It could be as simple as using it for an intense physical workout at the gym or as dramatic as starting a movement that radically changes your world.  Whatever it is channel it into something good!

Sort It Out

But I tell you, everyone who is angry with his brother will be subject to judgment. And whoever says to his brother, 'Fool!' will be subject to the Sanhedrin. But whoever says, 'You moron!' will be subject to hellfire. So if you are offering your gift on the altar, and there you remember that your brother has something against you, leave your gift there in front of the altar. First go and be reconciled with your brother, and then come and offer your gift. Reach a settlement quickly with your adversary while you're on the way with him, or your adversary will hand you over to the judge, the judge to the officer, and you will be thrown into prison.
Matthew 5:22-25 (HCSB)

Once a person has understood there anger it is beneficial to do something to sort it out.  Sorting it out will often involve going to the person that you have offended or who has offended you.  If you desire to sort it it out you have to approach the situation with a sincere desire to make things right.  It will not work if you go with the intent of justifying hurtful, harsh, or demanding manner then it will not likely work.  But if you go with grace, leniency, and a desire for reconciliation then you can have hope of sorting it out.  The process of sorting things out can be very complicated and difficult.  It can also be very time consuming.  Often it is not immediate so patience is a must.  What is more is sorting things out with another assumes that the other person is in a place to want to do the same.  Demanding that a person who is not ready to sort things out with you cooperate with your effort and "good will" is a sure recipe for frustration and increased anger.  This will further strain the relationship.  Just remember this:

Do not repay anyone evil for evil. Try to do what is honorable in everyone's eyes. If possible, on your part, live at peace with everyone.
Romans 12:17-18 (HCSB)

If it is not possible or if it is not practical to sort it out with another person sometimes you can sort out your anger by your self or with a trusted person than can listen to you and give honest feedback.  The goal of sorting it out on your own is to take your understanding and awareness to a deeper level.  Greater understanding will help you then to identify the things that you can change in yourself or in your environment to avoid triggers or resolve the anger that you experience.  Sorting it out will often lead to some level of acceptance for the way things are.  Not that you have to judge the situation as just, fair, or good, but that you accept it.  Once you are able to accept it then you can move to the next stage on the path to peace. 

Surrender It

I view surrendering anger from a spiritual view point.  It is hard for me to imagine surrendering anger from any other perspective.  I see surrender as different than forgetfulness or not bringing it back up.  Forgetfulness (if such a thing is possible) is unmindful.  It is a type of self-denial.  You have to forget being hurt and constantly work a releasing the hurt over and over and over again.  This may not be so hard for minor offences, but when someone has deeply hurt you this constant state of trying to release the hurt is in itself hurtful.  You have to deny you hurt, but how do you deny what you feel.  You have to deny yourself.  Self-transcendence is an extremely difficult road to take.  Few (if any) ever arrive.  When you fail at this self-denial then you are likely to beat up your self or have others beat you up emotionally by saying, "Why can you just get over it."  Not bringing it back up is also a type of self-denial.  Forgetfulness denies how you feel.  Not bringing it back up denies what you think.  You are reminded of the thing that made you angry and think on it, but do not express it.  You try to push it away from your awareness.  What I think happens is that the thought that is put away in an effort to not bring it up lies in our sub-conscious waiting until some other event reawakens our awareness of the thought.  Often this repeated awakening of the angry thought intensifies every time and eventually leads to resentment and/or forceful expression of the angry thought in some future discussion. 

So what then if denying how you think or feel does not lead to resolution then how does one take this path to peace?  Surrender is the key. 

sur-ren-der:	to yield (something) to the possession or power of another
	to give oneself up, as into the power of another; submit or yield

I use surrender in both senses of giving an object up as well as giving one's self up.  The object that you surrender is anger.  You yield or turn over the anger to the power of another.  To whom or what do you surrender the anger to?  Well I am convinced that spiritually speaking no one can receive someone else's anger by way of surrender.  It can only be received by another person through force, retaliation, or retribution.  I believe that only God can receive our anger by way of surrender.  Consider that surrendering anger to God is being obedient.

Friends, do not avenge yourselves; instead, leave room for His wrath. For it is written: Vengeance belongs to Me; I will repay, says the Lord.
Romans 12:19 (HCSB)

What is more surrendering your anger to God is a statement that you trust Him to work it out for the best.  When I try to avenge my anger I am just as likely to be angry in an unjustified or extreme way.  God on the other hand will execute justice in perfection.  What is more if the person is repentant it gives you a path toward restored relationship.  If you do not surrender your anger then even if the other person comes to you and says, "I am sorry" you will not have freedom to reconcile until you surrender your anger. 

Surrendering involves self-surrender.  First you submit to God.

But He gives greater grace. Therefore He says: God resists the proud, but gives grace to the humble. Therefore, submit to God. But resist the Devil, and he will flee from you.
James 4:6-7 (HCSB)

Then you submit to others.

Do nothing out of rivalry or conceit, but in humility consider others as more important than yourselves. Everyone should look out not only for his own interests, but also for the interests of others.
Philippians 2:3-4 (HCSB)

Even submit to those that are against you. 

But I tell you, don't resist an evildoer. On the contrary, if anyone slaps you on your right cheek, turn the other to him also. As for the one who wants to sue you and take away your shirt, let him have your coat as well. And if anyone forces you to go one mile, go with him two.
Matthew 5:39-41 (HCSB)
You have heard that it was said, Love your neighbor and hate your enemy. But I tell you, love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you, so that you may be sons of your Father in heaven. For He causes His sun to rise on the evil and the good, and sends rain on the righteous and the unrighteous.
Matthew 5:43-45 (HCSB)

But this is too hard you say.  I agree.  I think apart from a relationship with God through Christ this type of submission is impossible.  It requires that you have honor toward Christ, relating to God, and filled by the Spirit.

... but be filled by the Spirit... submitting to one another in the fear of Christ.
Ephesians 5:18 and 21 (HCSB)

The scope of submitting is far beyond what can be summed up in this brief post.  What I have done is given you a path.  A Path to Peace.  Now whether you choose to walk this path is up to you.  I pray that you find it and that the Spirit of God so fill you that you arrive safely in God's peace. 

God Bless You

The Biology of Anger

When a person becomes angry there are two tell tale signs that you can see.  First is shallow heavy breathing, and the second is increased blood flow (seen as flushed face or felt as being hot).  The Bible makes several references to these types of anger.  The anger that is represented by breathing hard can be the result of a serious offence against you or someone you love or it can be as simple as a wish or desire unfulfilled.  We can all fall into this.  Most often others that see it will say "Are you angry?"  More often than not we play it off and say "No."  The fact is whether it is a serious situation or a trivial selfish whim the anger needs to be dealt with or it will develop into something worse. 

I have personally experienced the pains of my own anger unchecked as well as been the victim of others anger unchecked.  My guess is that we all have had this experience.  The question is why with all of our regret and discontent for the state of affairs do we fall into the trap of anger again and again.  I believe that anger is a complex emotion that has biological, psychological, and spiritual implications.  I would like to delve into the biological aspect first. 

Four words that come from the Bible that point to the biological implications of anger are in Hebrew af and awnaf (meaning rapid breathing), chemah (implying heat), and in Greek thymos (implying breathing hard).  Feeling hot and breathing hard (or rapid) are biological functions that serve a purpose.  These are similar to fight or flight.

Fight or flight (activation of the sympathetic nervous system) is a well documented and well researched phenomena within the field of neurology and psychology.   The biological systems affected by fight or flight are:

• Respiratory (increased breathing rate and dilation of the bronchial tubes)
• Cardiac (increased heart rate and dilation of blood vessels to the muscles, and constriction of blood vesicles to other parts of the body
• Inhibition of digestion (that is digestion slows down or stops)
• Paling or flushing (blood drained out or red faced)
• dilation of pupils of the eyes
• Auditory exclusion (loss of hearing)
• Loss of peripheral vision (tunnel vision)
• tremors
• increased perspiration

These are all automatic responses that cannot be directly controlled by the person that is experiencing them.  What is more once this response kicks in it tends to build until the threat or perceived threat is removed.  Even after the threat is removed the effects of fight or flight slowly return to a normal state. 

The brain it the control center of biological functioning.  In the brain two parts are implicated in anger response: the lymbic system and the prefrontal cortex.  The lymbic system buried deep the brain is responsible for the automatic fight or flight response (Hypothalamus just below the thalamus) and the experience of emotion (Amygdala).  The Prefrontal Cortex (part of the frontal lobe) is responsible for planning, organizing, and reasoning.  Your brain is literally sending a mixed message.  One part is saying "hit this guy or run away." While the other part of your brain is saying "Maybe we could just talk to him."  When you blend those two together what comes out is a blend of the two.  Maybe you don't hit the guy, but you attack him verbally.  This is of course a gross oversimplification of brain functioning, but I hope that it illustrates the brain function of anger.  

What happens when the prefrontal cortex (the reasonable part of the brain) is not working properly or is diminished?  If the fight or flight response is unchecked then intense fear and/or intense rage occurs.  The resulting behavior becomes intensely violent/aggressive or extremely protective without much thought to the implications or consequences of this behavior.  This is why you will have a moment of anger then later you regret when the frontal cortex comes back online so to speak.  After the moment of anger is past you are now thinking with the front part of your brain realize the implications of what just happened where as when you were angry these thoughts we shut down or quieted. 

Biology of anger has implications in what we do with anger.  First there has to be a way to quiet down the fight or flight response.  The best way to do this is to relax.  Relaxation activates the parasympathetic nervous system which acts in opposition to the sympathetic nervous system (fight or flight).  That is why it is not possible to be engaged and relaxed at the same time.  They are two incompatible biological states.  There are many ways to relax, counting exercises, progressive muscle relaxation, deep breathing, use of imagery, and meditation are some ways I have used to help people learn the skill of relaxation (see here for more information).  By practicing relaxation you lower you set level so that when the fight or flight kicks in you do not have as high a peak.  Also by learning relaxation you can also more quickly arrest and recover from fight or flight.  This takes much practice. 

Another thing you can do has to do with the thinking planning part of your brain.  The goal is to bring the prefrontal cortex on line early on so that you are responding rather than reacting to anger.  There are a couple of tricks to do this.  One is to recognize the difference between a real and perceived threat.  Anger is a response to a threatening situation.  When it really comes down to it there are very few situations in our day to day life that are real legitimate threats to our wellbeing.  To me a legitimate threat is being assaulted by someone or threatened of life and limb.  For example a guy with a gun pointed at you.  On the other hand being angry with a pool cover is not a legitimate threat to my well being.  If you reason that a threat is not legitimate then you need to relax, distract, or disengage.  Often though just recognizing that there is no legitimate threat is enough to being the process of cooling off.  A second trick to get the front part of your brain to activate is a series of questions based on the acronym "I AM Worth it" developed by Redford Williams MD.

• Important:  Is this important to me?
• Appropriate: Is it appropriate for me to be angry in this situation?
• Modifiable: Is there something I can do about it?
• Worth It: Is it worth it to do something in this situation?

If you answer all the questions yes then two things have happened.  One you have identified a legitimate problem to be solved.  Two you are now thinking and reasoning rather and angrily reacting.  On the other hand if you answer "no" to any of them then you are in a situation you have to cope with and again you are thinking over reacting.  By bringing your front part of your brain online you will being the process of quieting the biological anger response. 

What other ways can you think of to cool off or relax the biological response to anger?

God Bless You All

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Notes
1. Duke Medicine Health Line "Why Anger Kills" Published: Nov. 26, 2007 Updated: May 24, 2010 Retrieved August 24, 2010.  

Doubt (Standing in Two Places)

There are times that we stand in two places.  We have the faith to believe in God and his promises.  On the other hand we are uncertain that He is really concerned with us at all.  "Where is God?"  Doubt is the standing in two places at the same time.  One foot on the Rock of Jesus Christ and one foot on the shifting sand of human understanding.  This is a disconcerting place to be.  You by placing your feet in both places make yourself vulnerable to spiritual attack, discontent, anxieties, and ever growing skepticism about God.  I have had a chance to talk with people who are in this state and I can assure you that they are not happy people.  I admit I may have a limited interaction in this matter, but I would go on to say that those that are content with this double mindedness have sunk themselves into blissful unawareness (which could be even more dangerous in my estimation).  I must also confess that doubts have been in my own heart so I know that I am not immune to this standing in two places. 

When you stand in two places then you tend to sink toward doubt.  Consider standing on the edge of a sinkhole.  one foot on the ground that is in in place and one foot on the part that is sinking.  If you continue to stand in this position it will not be long before you fall into the hole and are swallowed up.  In the same way doubt (standing in two places) will swallow up our faith if we do not change our position. 

It is also interesting that this doubt tends to dissipate with worship of God.  The opposite is also true, when we enter into a time of lack of worship our doubts arise.  I believe that worship keeps our spirit in tune with God's Spirit and allows His power to flow into our lives. 

Have mercy on those who doubt;
Jude 1:22 (HCSB)
The merciful are blessed, for they will be shown mercy.
Matthew 5:7 (HCSB)

I have been guilt of letting my frustration get the best of me when dealing with someone that doubts.  It is good to have zeal for the Lord, but if that zeal is against a person standing in two places you are more likely to push them into the hole than to put them back from their doubt.   Compassion on the other hand is what is called for.

Consider if someone was drowning in the pool.  You would not take this as an opportunity to explain to them why they need to be cautious around the water, learn to swim, or that they should be wearing a life jacket.  The immediate need is to rescue them. 

save others by snatching them from the fire.
Jude 1:23 (HCSB)

Doubt languishes in silence.  It robs the soul and destroys the gladness, the full life that God desires for us.  It is a wasting away in silence. I read an article about pastors "loosing the faith^*."  It was sad to me that in each of these cases they were isolated and the first person they shared this with was researchers who explain religion in terms of evolutionary survival.  It is sad that none of these men had a brother or sister to turn to.  It seems they were too afraid of the implications of sharing doubt.  They were pastors after all.  Hogwash.  Would God put in His word to be merciful on those that doubt if we were not to admit our own struggles.  Superstar Christianity is a complete farce.  It is time for us to lay bare that which has been kept secret.  Bring it to the light.  Perhaps if these pastors had done this they would have found God's mercy working through the lives of other believers.  Leading to greater understanding of God's place and plan for their lives.

 

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Father I ask that you be with these men.  That you would lead them through this dark valley of their lives.  Help them to see the power You have manifested in their lives up to this time.  Help them to hope for the blessing that you have before them.  Open their eyes that they may see that no man is an island.  God lead them to a fellowship that would be merciful and snatch them back from the fire.  Lord renew, restore, reconnect your salvation with them.  Lord help us to take heed.  We go there with them if we stand in two places.  Help us to recognize when we stand in this manner.  Help us to get back onto solid footing.  Bring others into our lives that we can lean on.  People willing to pull us back.  Lord rescue your people from doubt.  In Jesus Name.  AMEN

 

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* "For Clergy, Losing Faith Can be an Occupational Hazard"  Solange De Santis, Religion News Service, June 22, 2010, Retrieved June 27, 2010 http://www.crosswalk.com/pastors/11633654/

Making the Most of the Time

Image by Caucas' via Flickr

Pay careful attention, then, to how you walk not as unwise people but as wise making the most of the time, because the days are evil. So don't be foolish, but understand what the Lord's will is. And don't get drunk with wine, which leads to reckless actions, but be filled by the Spirit
Ephesians 5:15-18 (HCSB)

This passages immediately proceeds the passage on marriage (Eph 5:22-32).  This morning I am reflecting on my own need to make the most of time.  It seems that it is easy for me to fall into the chaotic life of busyness and in the process become less effective and eventually neglect the things that are important and that are really worthy of my time.

In this passage we see God's time management system.  First we are called to pay attention.  So often we mindlessly go through our day without a thought of what we are doing.  We do it simply because something has demanded our attention, out of habit, or just because. 

Once we have paid attention then God calls us to walk wisely.  To be honest with you I continually have to work at this one (as I am sure most of us do).  The beginning of Wisdom is fear of the Lord (Prov 9:10).  When respect God as our sovereign Lord then we are on the right path in our walk.  Perhaps that is why days that I start with a time of meditation on His word, prayer, and/or reflection on God are much more satisfying than those days that I neglect these. 

Continuing on this road God calls us to make the most of the time.  So many things compete for my attention.  I also struggle with being a bit ADD.  So I get the added bonus that my mind tend to follow the rabbit trails of life to the point that I forget what I was doing in the first place.  The idea of making the most of time is that we are "buying back our time."  It seems that our time is a commodity that is sold, bought, and traded.  All to often I sell my time to some other cause, effort, purpose than the one that God has put on my heart.  This does not seem like a bad thing on the surface.  After all I am helping others most of the time.  However, it leads me to neglect.  I think also how many hours I have traded for mindless distraction and pursuit of things that do not bring my Lord honor.  Again some of them very worthy sounding on the surface, but none the less traded away. 

God Calls us to buy back (redeem) our time.  An action I can think of is redeeming a mail in rebate.  The form that the rebate has very little value until we get the the things together needed for the rebate (receipts, upc codes), fill out the form, and mail it in.  It also has an expiration at which the rebate becomes worthless if not acted on.  In the same way our time only has value when we get our things together and act according to what is needed.  If we don't act then time has very little value in and of itself.  Time also expires and becomes worthless when it is not acted on. 

God tells us to do this because the days are evil.  This seems confusing until you realize that the default is evil because time wasted is time lost.  Evil in the sense that they are decaying away and will never be again.  Evil in the sense that we are closer to meeting our maker.  Evil in the sense that we can no longer use a day gone by to do something that God has called us to.  Evil in the sense that our days can naturally be filled with hurtful, wasteful, unwholesome, hardship, difficult, and painful things.  It is only by redeeming time that we can turn these evils into something good.  God uses us to redeem time. 

This continues with two don'ts and two do's:
Don't be foolish
Don't get drunk
Do understand God's will
Do be filled with the Spirit

So how are you doing in redeeming the time? 

I think I need to work more effectively in this area.  Will you pray with me that God would lead us to redeem the time?

God Bless You!

Intimacy Lost

There are times when a relationship is broken.  It is not that intimacy is lacking, but rather that it has been significantly altered by some painful event.  This is not the same as those that have been hurt by false intimacy (see here for that subject), but that have had intimacy and had it taken by a painful event and/or desire to get it back.  Sometimes one, the other, or both spouses are to blame.  Other times it is some event that happens outside the marriage that is such a significant trauma that intimacy is lost within the marriage.  These are painful times.  Heartache, fear, distrust, disgust, aversion, coldness, loneliness, grief, and other painful emotions are at the forefront during these times of life.  Marriage because of the potential for intimacy  can be the source of great destruction or great healing during these times depending on how the trauma is handled.  It is unlikely that one can be neutral during these times because to do nothing actually make the relationship destructive (albeit in a more passive way).  Perhaps you are at that place now: an affair, traumatic violence,  serious violation of trust, emotional trauma, significant loss in life, really anything that is a traumatic or a loss in life will fit the bill. 

A list of things that I believe are helpful during these times is to understand when it time to go "FORTH" are Forgiveness, Openness, Respect, Trust, and Healing.  These five concepts are interrelated, but is they also are different.  It is important if you are to restore intimacy to understand the similarity and differences between these five relationship concepts. 

Forgiveness

Forgiveness is the quality of releasing the other person from condemnation for his or her offence.  Condemnation is the act of declaring guilty and holding a person accountable to the fullest extent possible.  Condemnation has no room for grace or circumstances.  To release condemnation is to forgive.  What that means individually is that a person releases his or her personal right (real or perceived) to demand retribution.  Individual forgiveness is different than pardon.  Pardon is given by society or some society representative.  For example a person might forgive a person that assaulted them, but that does not mean they are pardoned for the crime.  Forgiveness also is unique from openness, respect, trust and healing.  A person can forgive and not have the other four.  This is important because recognizing forgiveness as different will avoid you falling into the trap of believing that you have not forgiven or believing that your spouse has not forgiven because they do not trust. 

Openness

One of the casualties in traumatic events is often openness.  It is based somewhat in trust.  However it is different from trust.  Openness is both a measure of the level of trust in a relationship and the mechanism for rebuilding trust in a relationship.   Openness is being accountable, vulnerable, sincere, forthright, and clear.  It is avoiding secretiveness.   It also has a quality of gentle honesty.  I distinguish that from brutal honesty.  Brutal honesty is not openness, but rather is an attack usually meant to punish the other person for bringing the subject up.  Gentle honesty is being transparent while being fully aware of how what your are saying may affect the person that you are talking with.  It is focused more on how you say things over what you are say.  At times there is a tension that exists in that what you have to say may be unpleasant.  Gentle honesty does not hide the unpleasant, but thinks long and hard about timing, manner, and intent of sharing unpleasant information. 

Respect

Respect is another casualty of traumatic events.  This is especially true when the root cause of the trauma lies within the behavior of the other spouse (having an affair for example).  You might wonder about how to respect someone who has done something dishonorable.  I would agree that this is a difficult thing.  However if your goal is to restore emotional intimacy then disrespect will not bring that about and will in fact have the opposite effect on the relationship.  Disrespect is fuel to defensiveness and distrust.  There are times when respect (or disrespect) is learned from previous relationships and displayed in the marriage relationship.  For example if you grow up in a family that does not respect the feelings of others then you will have a greater likelihood that you will have a lack of respect for your spouses feelings and not even be aware that you are doing that.  The substance of respect is positive regard (treating with kindness), courteousness, sensitivity to feelings of the other, endure, give benefit of doubt, value opinion of, and giving of esteem when something good is done. 

Trust

I have said in a previous post that trust is vital element in emotional intimacy.  Not wanting to repeat myself here let me just contrast trust and forgiveness.  Trust is the ability to be vulnerable and entrust your life and emotions with a person that you love.  Forgiveness is a release from the right to retaliate.  They certainly do overlap, but they are different and are on different schedules.  Most of the time when spouses say "You don't forgive me" it is not true.  The fact he or she is willing to show up in counseling is evidence of forgiveness in my estimation.  Unforgiving people do not seek out reconciliation or a way to make the relationship better.  What would be more accurate to say is, "I desire for you to trust me."  In this way the responsibility is shared.  The person who has broken the trust has the obligation to demonstrate trustworthiness and the person who has been offended has to reach a point where they can be vulnerable again.  This is not the same a forgiveness and will take time as the couple grows in trustworthiness and vulnerability.

Healing

I like to use a serious break in the leg as an analogy for healing.  The recovery from a serious complicated break can be relatively short to a extensive.  It depends on many factors (type of break, whether surgery is needed, bone health, activity level before and after the break, etc).  Even when a break is healed there may be times that in cold weather or if you step just in a certain way that you will have a painful reminder of the break.  Stated another way there is never a complete healing 100%.  Recovery is lifelong to a certain extent. 
In the same way psychological trauma is never 100% healed.  I raise this issue because I want to contrast it with the issue of forgiveness.  A person will experience painful emotions for a long time after a trauma or serious loss.  However, painful emotions is in no way indicative of a lack of forgiveness.  The painful emotions are there because you are human and are still in a process of healing and recovery.  There should never be guilt over painful emotions either in the form of guilt trip (by the other) or by self reproach (why can I just get over it).  Healing takes time and will often be the last to occur in this list of five things (sometimes life long). 
That being said emotional intimacy can be forged in the process of healing.  If the person that is supporting recovery of the other becomes an agent of healing then they form of bond with that person that is extremely strong, even when the person is at fault for the trauma in the first place.  The key to healing painful emotions is to avoid the guilt trap.  Guilt turns painful emotions into suffering.  You have to accept the feelings of pain whether you are the person experiencing them or if you are the person wanting to support.  Together healing will bring the emotional intimacy that you long for.  The difficulty is that it takes time and progress is measured by months if not years depending on the type of trauma.  End the end it is worth it if you are willing and your spouse is the person that is willing to take the journey with you. 

If this describes your relationship I pray that you will seek and receive the healing you are looking for.  If you are the support person then I pray that you will be come the agent of healing for your spouse for better or for worse.  God bless you.  If this does not describe you consider supporting another couple that is going through a hard time as a support toward healing and reconciliation. 
 

To Know and Be Known

Intimacy is a powerful human experience.  It is the very mix of security and vulnerability that charges the moment.  The security is based on the character of the other person and the vulnerability is based on being willing to open oneself to the other.  It is an emotional closeness that can only be understood in the context of that particular relationship.  Physical closeness or longing for physical closeness can drive intimacy.  In true intimacy Agape Love is at the very core of intimacy as a both people become completely devoted to the wellbeing of the other person.  Intimacy is to know all characteristics good and bad and continue to be completely accepting of that person, and experience that acceptance from the other person.  Communication is required as intimacy is letting your inside out for the other to see, hear, touch, understand, and accept. Bonding is the chemical expression of intimacy that occurs in the brain.   Interestingly you can have bonding of two people without intimacy, but rarely if ever will you find intimacy without bonding.  Two people with mutual security, vulnerability, emotional closeness.

False Intimacy

Let me just start by saying that false intimacy is destructive to true intimacy to the extent that it replaces or dilutes intimacy.  Here are some types of false intimacy. 

Seduction is a type of false intimacy.  Intimacy is how can I make you feel secure that I can meet your deepest need.  Seduction is how can I make you feel secure so I can meet my own desires.  Intimacy is knowing the other.  In seduction the one caught has a false sense of knowing the other and seducer really only knows him/herself.  

Flattery is a type of false intimacy.  Intimacy is awareness of all things good and bad.  Flattery is only awareness and exaltation of the good.  The flatterer is convincing him/herself that the other is some inhuman ideal, while the flattered lives in fear of being found out that they are not perfect. 

Conversely A critical spirit is a type of false intimacy.  Intimacy accepts the bad and seeks to build the other person up.  A critical spirit rejects the bad and tears down the character of the other person.  The person being critical feels connected by assuming something worthy to offer a type of false edification.  Typically this is merely an escape from awareness of personal faults by focusing on others faults.  In this respect the one with a critical spirit lives in fear of being discovered they are not perfect.  The target of criticism feels connected in that someone is paying attention to me.  Self-sacrifice is intimacy, but in this scenario self-degradation is not!

Gregariousness is a type of false intimacy.  Longing for intimacy you put your best front forward.  At times it is not even the real you.  It is founded in the belief that no one could possibly accept you for who you are, so this invented self or partial self will have to do.  Again fear of being discovered will prevent true intimacy from occurring. 

Victim stance is a type of false intimacy.  We long to be rescued from our circumstances and the meanness of others without recognizing that most times we need to be rescued from ourselves.  The victim stance draws the attention of others through playing on their sympathy.  As long as the victim can play the role then others will meet their need for closeness.  It becomes a vicious trap with the victim needing to stay perpetually the victim or risk being alone.  The irony is that in the end the victim ends up alone if unwilling to give up the role as others begin to pull away.

The rescuer stance is a type of false intimacy.  Interestingly rescuers and victims tend to feed off of each other's insecurities to create a deep bond, but no true intimacy.  Most rescuers imprinted at a very young age that helping someone that is helpless is the purpose of life.  They also tend to view weakness in others as attractive or revolting, but never in between.  They tend to see personal weakness as revolting and end up in a perpetual state of self-denial (which they mistake for self-sacrifice).

Controlling is a type of false intimacy.  The controller attempts to mitigate vulnerability, by managing (manipulating?) the circumstances.  The problem is without vulnerability the controller can never reach true intimacy and becomes frustrated which is often expressed as anger.  The controlled is often a mixture of the criticized and victim accepting being controlled for the sake of closeness.  Bonding to moments of apparent emotional and physical closeness and denying evidence to the contrary.

Why do we long to be known?

It seems to me that God created us with three primary ways of experiencing intimacy.  First and foremost we where created to know and be known by God:

Make Your ways known to me, Lord; teach me Your paths. Psalms 25:4 (HCSB)

Lord, my every desire is known to You; my sighing is not hidden from You.  Psalms 38:9 (HCSB)

But if anyone loves God, he is known by Him. 1 Corinthians 8:3 (HCSB)

I will discuss knowing Christ in my next post.  Secondly we are created for intimacy with our spouse:

Now Adam knew Eve his wife, and she conceived and bore Cain, and said, "I have acquired a man from the Lord."  Genesis 4:1 (NKJV)

I am my beloved's, And my beloved is mine. He feeds his flock among the lilies. Song of Songs 6:3 (NKJV)

Finally we were created for intimacy in fellowship with others.

Now we who are strong have an obligation to bear the weaknesses of those without strength, and not to please ourselves. Each one of us must please his neighbor for his good, to build him up. Romans 15:1-2 (HCSB)

Rejoice with those who rejoice; weep with those who weep. Romans 12:15 (HCSB)

Will you join with me in prayer for the true intimacy to fill our relationships with God, marriages, and fellowships?  We long to be known, but it must start with ourselves.  Am I one to cherish and guard such intimacy?  Am I willing to let go of false intimacies in exchange for the real thing?  Do I take such a risk to be vulnerable (not reckless, but vulnerable none the less) knowing that with vulnerability comes the possibility of being hurt? 

Pray for me!  I am praying for you!  Even those whose names I do not know.

Personal Note

I took a few more days off this week to do some self-awareness and discovered that what I was missing was awareness of God.  It seems that I was doing some fighting again rather than trusting God.  God has been so good to me.  Every time I have a need He has provided in some manner.  At times I get caught up in my circumstances get my eyes off of Him and thereby increase my suffering.  Why is it that we humans have such a natural affinity to blame God when things are not going the way we want?  Worse why do we question Him when He has proved Himself over and over? 

There was a few of areas of my life that I have been lacking mindfulness in the last couple of months.  I was in a mental fog in regard to these.  In the last couple of days God has answered my questioning prayer (Thank you God for being so gracious to my presumptuousness).  In one of those prayers I was so bold as to say "I am doing what you called me to do, Why are you not taking care of me and my family!"  As I type those words I am a bit ashamed to admit I prayed them now. 

There are times when we put our head in the sand when there is something that we do not want to deal with.  In a previous post I talked about the types of mindlessness.  I think I can now add another that I just realized,  intentional mindlessness.  Sometimes we willfully avoid something that we do not want to look at.  It can take the form of escapism, simple mindmindlessness, busyness, egoism, but at its core is a willful avoidance of something that is painful to think about.  I discovered this week that if you do this long enough then you can turn it into a lack of awareness of what God is really doing in your life. 

When I took my head out of the sand and looked at the reality of the situation,  within the next 24 hours He showed me that my perception was way off.  He showed me that not only had he taken care of me, but he also had done more than I had expected.  God had been working amazingly and instead of praising Him I was questioning Him!  Lord forgive me I do praise You for your mighty work in my life.  With this new awareness I was able to more effectively deal with the problem.  I realize that one of the biggest factors was my intentional mindlessness.  If I had paid better attention the problem of perception as well as the actual problems it caused in my life could have been avoided.

Have a Blessed Weekend!

Are you Hungry? (mindless fool or mindful righteousness)

Hunger is a state of longing to be filled.  This is a basic drive for all human beings.  If you have ever tried fasting you quickly become aware of how intense this drive can be.

Jesus said:

Those who hunger and thirst for righteousness are blessed, for they will be filled. Matt 5:6 (HCSB)

Continuing on the subject of filling and wholeness I want to post a question to you.  What is it that you are Spiritually Hungry for?  This may be a difficult post for some.  It was not the direction that I had anticipated, but God has proven to me over and over that He desires for us to take things to the next level of awareness and today this is what He is showing me.

After a good meal there is a general sense of well-being that come over you.  I the expression is often, "that was a good meal."  That feeling of well being is the result of a desire fulfilled.  We can have that feeling about many things, but according to Christ to be filled spiritually we need to desire righteousness.  Being filled with righteousness will lead to a sense of well-being that is greater than that felt after a good meal. 

There is a difference between filled with self-righteousness and filled with God's righteousness.  Self-righteousness is often only concerned about outward appearances.  This is one thing that Christ was so adamantly against.  Why?  I believe that self-righteousness keeps us trapped.  Let me describe what I mean.  If a person believes they are righteous (but in reality are just self-righteous) then this becomes the core of their identity.  Every action they take is built on confirming their own righteousness.  Jesus gave this example:

The Pharisee took his stand and was praying like this: 'God, I thank You that I'm not like other people -greedy, unrighteous, adulterers, or even like this tax collector.  I fast twice a week; I give a tenth of everything I get.' Luke 18:11-12 (HCSB)

The Pharisee's very identity was based on the fact that he was not unrighteous.  His self-righteousness blinded him to the fact that he was not perfect (old-world sense).  He was still missing something.  As long as someone continues in self-righteous acts they will continue to be unmindful of who they really are.  Their awareness is only on what they do which serves to distract them from what God is trying to show them.  The self-righteous see that no change is needed. 

There is a concept in psychology about the change process called "precontemplation."   Those that are in this stage are not even aware that they have a problem.  This lack of awareness can be either through ignorance or through denial.  The Pharisees were the most learned spiritual leaders of Jesus' time.  They could not claim ignorance.   That would leave denial as the only option.  So they denied the need of a savior.  That is why Jesus confronted them.  Interestingly in the protocol for counselors working with a person in precontemplation is to get the person to reconsider their opinions, get them to be more self-aware, and point out the consequences of them continuing down the path they are headed.  This is exactly what Jesus was doing with the Pharisees of His day.  Hmmm... Jesus used motivational interviewing (maybe a future post). 

Self-righteousness ends in external hyper-religious unmindfulness (now there is a mouthful).  The cure is to humble yourself before God and allow His Holy Spirit to work on your heart and show you how to be filled.  Self-righteousness is starvation while feeling (or believing you are) full.  Now that is unmindful.

At the other end of the spectrum is casting off righteousness (the fool).  There are people that would just rather that there were not morals to follow.  Their ideal world would be one that suits their pleasure and engaged in the pleasuring of others so that we could have a utopia of pleasure.  Unfortunately such a place does not exist.  The result of such a pursuit is the darkening of one's mind. 

For though they knew God, they did not glorify Him as God or show gratitude. Instead, their thinking became nonsense, and their senseless minds were darkened.  Claiming to be wise, they became fools  and exchanged the glory of the immortal God for images resembling mortal man, birds, four-footed animals, and reptiles. Romans 1:21-23 (HCSB)

Note that God has made Himself evident!  But they were not mindful of it and they did not seek His Righteousness so their thinking became nonsense (according to the wisdom of God).  Mindlessness begets mindlessness.  Foolishness begets foolishness.  As this process continues God gives them over to the darkness of their mind (Romans 1:26).  They become completely unaware of God (The fool says in his heart, "God does not exist. ;Psalms 14:1) or His righteousness.   Being a fool is starving while being unaware that the thing you are throwing away is food.  That last sentence should adequately illustrate the the lack of mindfulness in this state.   

Now having established what mindless hungering looks like let's look at what mindful hungering looks like? 

But the tax collector, standing far off, would not even raise his eyes to heaven but kept striking his chest and saying, 'God, turn Your wrath from me -a sinner!'  I tell you, this one went down to his house justified rather than the other; because everyone who exalts himself will be humbled, but the one who humbles himself will be exalted.  Luke 18:13-14 (HCSB)

First, you have to be aware of yourself as God sees you.  That may seem like a difficult thing.  It is impossible apart from the Holy Spirit.   The good news is that God's Holy Spirit's ministry is to do just that.

When He comes, He will convict the world about sin, righteousness, and judgment... John 16:8 (HCSB)

Notice the tax collector's awareness: "God" (righteousness), "Turn your wrath" (judgment), "a sinner" (sin).  This awareness is the conviction of the Holy Spirit.  You have to be open to this process.  If you are not open then you risk quenching the Holy Spirit.  The root of this awareness is based in fear.  This is unpopular in our day and age.  We want to focus on Love of God (no doubt He is love), but the "fear of the Lord is the beginning of knowledge (Prov 1:7)", "fear of the Lord is the beginning of wisdom (Prov 9:10)", "fear of the Lord prolongs life (Prov 10:27)", "In the fear of the Lord one has strong confidence (Prov 14:26)", "fear of the Lord is a fountain of life (Prov 14:27)", and "one turns from evil by the fear of the Lord. (Prov 16:6)"

Notice that fear of the Lord leads to escape mindless hungering.  For the self-righteous there is in a moment an awareness of the righteousness of God and how "all our righteous acts are like a polluted  garment (Literally menstrual cloth; Isaiah 64:6)."  That kills the desire for self-righteousness and leads one into hungering for God's Righteousness.  For the fool there is an awareness of certain judgment if his/her state does not change (ie leading to repentance). 

Our tax collector had "fear of the Lord" and confessing his sin to God "went down to his house justified."  You see by cultivating a healthy fear (reverence, awe, respect) of God our attention is drawn to His Righteousness and we begin to hunger and thirst for it. 

Mindful hungering begins with fearful awareness of self as God sees you, reverent awareness of the righteousness of God, respectful awareness of God's judgment, leading to humbling and repentance, which then leads to hungering and thirsting for righteousness.  In short, "God, turn Your wrath from me -a sinner!"  With this in place then the promise, "for they will be filled" can be fulfilled in your life. 

Lord we long to be mindful of sin, righteousness, and judgment.  We hunger and thirst for your righteousness.  Put the fear of the Lord in our hearts that we might not stray from Your path.  Envelop us with Your Love as You fill us with the righteousness of God.  Lead us into mindful awareness of You.  In Jesus Name AMEN

A Mindful Weekend

I did not post over the weekend because it was very busy.  I spent it with my family and we had a lot of fun.  But it also was a chance for me to slow down a bit and take in life.  I started with the drive. 

Most people believe that Washington State is filled with trees and is all green.  This is not true for the eastern side of the state.   In fact it is mostly sagebrush and cheat grass for miles and miles.  There is some green by the rivers and in lands that have irrigation.  But without a source of water it is very yellow. 

 

 

As I was driving I was trying to take it in.  I have traveled this trek before and decided in the past that it was quite tedious.  I wanted to be more mindful in thought as I drove.  I saw it!  The beauty of the drive.  There were wild flowers here and there along the way.  One of the most stunning sights was several patches of sunflowers that were in the median of the Highway.  Like splashes of sun along the dead yellow grass.  It was quite stunning even at 70 MPH.  I also noted the many rock outcrops that are scattered along the way.  They call it the "scablands" of Washington.  Such an unflattering name.  They were not scablands for me on that day.  It was a beautiful drive and I praised God for his creation along the way.  I am not sure that anyone noticed, but that is OK it was my private moment with God. 

When we arrived we shuttled the kids into the Silverwood Theme Park.  We spent much of the first part of the day in the water park and the later part on the the rides.  I took an attitude of acceptance and awareness through the experience.  I must admit that there were a couple of moments where what I wanted did not match up with what was happening or needed at the moment (unmindfulness brings up feelings of irritability for me).  However the Spirit of God reminded me of the importance of receiving the day as it came to me rather than being frustrated with what I wanted.  Noticing this I turned my mind to enjoy what I had rather than to focus on what I did not.  I spent time with my children and that was what was important.  In fact at one point my wife asked if I wanted to go on the rollercoaster's (long lines kept me from riding them on this trip).  The great thing was that I was content to ride the Farris Wheel with my five year old son, because he wanted to.  I am so glad I did (even the 45 minute wait did not seem all that bad).  To be there with my kids and enjoy their enjoyment.  It was quite a special experience. 

On the way home while it was dark I thought of how lucky I was to have a loving wife and four beautiful kids.  A few moments of shut eye, quiet conversation with my wife, and holding her hand was the perfect end to the day.  I did not even mind the tired fussiness that interrupted this moment.  In a way it was a special reminder of the energy we had spent at having fun.  It also gave me a chance to reflect on how lucky my kids are to have their mother as she climbed into the back to comfort a tired soul. 

Train up a child in the way he should go, Even when he is old he will not depart from it. Prov 22:6 (NASB)

Thank You Lord for the wonderful day.  I praise you for the Glory and for the special moments with my kids.  In Jesus Name Amen

It was a mindful day ;-)

The Problem of Perfection (Unmindful Perfection Contrasted with Mindful Wholeness)

Most of the time when we think of the word perfection we tend to mean without defect or blemish.  Jesus said, "Be perfect, therefore, as your heavenly Father is perfect (Matt 5:48)."  We then are instantly confronted with the unreality of the statement be without defect or blemish as God is without defect or blemish.  When we examine our own lives moment by moment we reach a honest conclusion that we are not perfect (without defect or blemish).  This creates a problem with Christian mindfulness because you are either attempting to be something that you are not (nor can you be) or you are ignoring a very clear statement from Jesus.  Neither seem appealing, however I believe there are a great many Christians that live their lives in this tension. 

The problem lies not in the words of Christ nor in the impossibility of perfection.  The problem lies in our understanding of perfection.  Perfect had an original meaning of maturity or moral purity.  I need the source for this, but I read once that the word perfection changed as a result of the industrial revolution.  For example before the industrial revolution a perfect chair was one having four legs, aesthetically pleasing, and work of a craftsman.  After the industrial revolution a perfect chair was one that met particular specifications (without defect or blemish) and was exactly like the hundred that just came off the assembly line. 

An alternate meaning of perfect is complete (or whole).  In this passage the Greek word is teleios.  This word means to be complete in the thing it is referencing (age , growth, character). 

He (Jesus) personally gave some to be apostles, some prophets, some evangelists, some pastors and teachers, for the training of the saints in the work of ministry, to build up the body of Christ, until we all reach unity in the faith and in the knowledge of God's Son, [growing] into mature man with a stature measured by Christ's fullness. Eph 4:11-13 (HCSB)

Note the last part "mature (teleios) man... ...Christ's fullness"  This is where wholeness and filling come together.  What is it that makes us whole (teleios)?  Is it not the filling that comes from Christ?  You see Christ's statement to "Be perfect" is not so much as to be without defect as it is to be filled with God's Holy Spirit.  In the context of the passage then Loving is perfected in you when you can love those that you dislike the most (enemies).  Not that loving your enemies makes you without defect, but rather loving your enemies (and everyone else for that matter) makes you whole as God is whole.  Why?  Because of the fullness of Christ according to Ephsians 4:23. 

In short stop striving to be without defect or blemish (ie striving to be like other homogonous fashionable happy Christians) and embrace the fullness of Christ.  Then you will be perfect as your Heavenly Father is perfect.  This will be the genuine you (That God designed).  This will be "Christian Mindfulness."

God Bless You

Mindfulness in Action

Little children, we must not love with word or speech, but with truth and action.  1 John 3:18 (HCSB)

Awareness of others will lead to mindfulness in action as the Holy Spirit makes us aware of others needs.  I believe that in Christian fellowship and relationship God desires that we focus on our own character (awareness of self) and others needs (awareness of others). 

In order to meet the needs of others it requires that we become aware of those needs.  We have to look and see what the needs are.  This also requires a sensitivity to the Holy Spirit.  The Spirit will prompt you to others' needs that you might otherwise not be aware of.  This type of awareness requires a high level of responsibility though.  We cannot "love in word or speech," we must love "in truth and action." 

There are three important elements of effective action.  First actions have to based in sincerity, purity and grace.  Second, the primary motivation for our action is love.  Finally, fulfilling God's purpose in our life will lead to effectiveness. 

Sincerity, Purity, and Grace

For this is our confidence: The testimony of our conscience is that we have conducted ourselves in the world, and especially toward you, with God-given sincerity and purity, not by fleshly wisdom but by God's grace.  2 Cor 1:12 (HCSB)

In the DBT literature "Wisemind" is the integration of emotional experience and logical analysis to develop "intuitive knowing."  The goal of wisemind is to achieve a balance of feeling and reasoning to achieve this wisemind state.  Wisemind is often experienced in the as a sensation in the gut.  Wisemind is not Christian mindfulness.  Wisemind is inward "fleshly wisdom."  This can be dangerous for the Christian because "I know that nothing good lives in me, that is, in my flesh (Romans 7:18)."  Wisemind can (for the Christian) lead them away from "God's Grace"  I am not suggesting that there is anything wrong with intuition or gut reactions.  The Bible has many examples of these type of experiences.  What I am saying is that relying on these reactions of "intuitive knowing" can lead to serious error and must be subjected to God and His Holy Spirit.

So what is Christian mindfulness in this respect then?  First it lies within our conscience.  God has given all humanity a moral sense that is called conscience.  When your conscience is filled with God-given sincerity, purity, and grace then it is a reliable source of intuitive knowing.  Note the source though.  It is God given.  It is His gift.  In Eastern mindfulness the source is within in a person, in Christian mindfulness the source is God. 

Sincerity is the singleness of purpose.  In this case the best interest of others.  We often do not mind engaging in seemingly altruistic behavior as long as there is a benefit for us.  This is a dual purpose and does not have a singleness of purpose that is captured by sincerity.  At its root effective action for the Christian is acting without regard for any ulterior motive.  This can be hard to do but it is essential for effective action.

Purity is similar.  It is acting genuinely.  Your motives and interests are apparent clearly understood by others.  There is no hidden agenda that you have.  You are acting above board.  This effective action allows you to put energy into the action over trying to keep your true interests and self hidden. 

Grace involves invoking God's favor for you and then turning His grace into your relationships with others.  You become a vessel or channel through which God's grace flowing to you, though you, into the lives of others.  God's grace is effective.  If you want to have effective action in your life then you have to allow His Grace to flow through your actions. 

Motivated by Love

Righteous Father! The world has not known You. However, I have known You, and these have known that You sent Me.  I made Your name known to them and will make it known, so the love You have loved Me with may be in them and I may be in them.  John 17:25-26 (HCSB)

There is enough material on the subject of love in the Bible to blog on the rest of my life.  Suffice it to say love is a very important subject.  Effective action is motivated by love.  1 Corinthians 13 has been called the love chapter.  I encourage you to look at the whole passage (Here is a blog on the subject).  I want to zero in on verse 7 as this verse to me gives the fuel to effective action.

[Love] bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. 1 Cor 13:7 (HCSB)

When we bear all things it requires in my estimation that we receive it from God.  That is not to say that God is the author of our suffering (remember Job), but that He is the Redeemer of our suffering.  God can take any event in our life good or bad and turn it into a blessing.  Do you believe that?  In this case effective action bears others in love.  Even when our flesh tells us to take revenge or to give up.  Notice the difference between what we tend to do (I put up with them) and what this verse says (I carry them). 

Believing all things is not the same as being blissfully ignorant.  It is an attitude that holds others in positive regard and sees their expressed thoughts, feelings, and beliefs as honest and reasonable representation of their true thoughts, feelings, and beliefs.  There is something that is incredibly validating when someone believes not just in your words, but in you as a person.  When a person can look at your shortcomings and still hold you up as worthy of their love, that is believing all things. 

Hope.  Without hope effective action becomes meaningless.  Hope brings meaning and purpose to our lives and to our action. 

Endurance of both things that are happening to you as well as completing the task before you are needed for effective action.  Endurance requires a certain degree of flexibility.  Without flexibility things break (ie they do not endure under the pressure). 

Fulfilling God's Purpose

Carry one another's burdens; in this way you will fulfill the law of Christ.  Gal 6:2 (HCSB)

It is no accident that fulfilling the law of Christ is closely aligned with love.  Christ died for sinful humanity that he might bear our sin and remove our guilt.  We ought to die to self that we might bear another's burden and gently restore him/her to God.  This is "Christian" effectiveness.  It is easy to contrast with the opposite attitude which is unhelpful, harsh, punitive, judgment.  Generally speaking this sort of attitude pushes people away and does not lead them to repentance.  That is to say it is ineffective. 

 

There is much more I could write about effective action, but this post is long enough as it is.  So perhaps the Lord will allow me to come back to this subject in the near future.  God Bless you all.  I believe that you can be effective in what you do informed by God's word, empowered by His Spirit. 

Awareness of Others (Non Judgmental?)

 

Either make the tree good and its fruit good, or make the tree bad and its fruit bad; for a tree is known by its fruit. Matt 12:33 (HCSB)

One of the contrasts between eastern mindfulness and Christian mindfulness becomes very apparent the area of our awareness of others.  In Eastern mindfulness (and DBT) the tradition is to approach this awareness the instruction is to be Non-Judgmental.  Christian mindfulness teaches a different type of awareness that involves discernment.  I believe that this distinction is very important and would be one of the key differences between the two.  Someone might suggest, "but doesn't the Bible teach us not to judge others."  People in this camp will often quote   Matthew 7:1 "Do not judge, so that you won't be judged."  On the surface this seems like it is in agreement with the eastern tradition, but unfortunately it takes the verse out of context.  Looking at this passage will be useful in understanding Christian mindfulness and awareness of others. 

Why do you look at the sawdust in your brother's eye when you have a 2x4 sticking out of your own eye?  You Hypocrite first take the 2x4 out of your eye and then you will be able to help your brother take the sawdust out of his eye.  (My translation)

In this passage Jesus is saying not to judge others until you have become aware of your own faults and dealt with them first.  Interestingly "the other" in this passage has the same fault (sawdust) in a smaller degree than the one judging (plank of wood).  Awareness of others then proceeds from self-examination, awareness of self, effectively dealing with your own shortcomings.  Our own thoughts, ideas, feelings, prejudices tend to color our awareness of others.  After self-awareness, Other-awareness becomes clearer and more effective.  That is Jesus' central teaching of this passage.   

Beware of false prophets who come to you in sheep's clothing but inwardly are ravaging wolves.  You'll recognize them by their fruit. Are grapes gathered from thornbushes or figs from thistles?  In the same way, every good tree produces good fruit, but a bad tree produces bad fruit.  A good tree can't produce bad fruit; neither can a bad tree produce good fruit.  Every tree that doesn't produce good fruit is cut down and thrown into the fire.  So you'll recognize them by their fruit." Matt 7:15-20 (HCSB)

This teaching is in the same sermon as the statement "Don't Judge" giving further credence to the notion that Jesus was not teaching Eastern Non-Judgment.  We need to be aware of other's fruit.  This means looking beyond what they are saying to see what they are doing.  Listen to there actions over their words. 

Research has shown that 55% of communication is non-verbal and as high as 93% when examining the feeling state of a person.  Awareness of a persons non-verbal actions is a key to understanding others.  This fact points to the relative weakness of electronic communication to face to face communication.    It also points to the importance of being aware of others nonverbal cues. 

Awareness of others also requires an open mind.  It is possible to be "so discerning" (legalistic judgmentalism) as to close your awareness of others off.  This happens when our own thoughts, feelings, and opinions become priority over hearing and understanding others or awareness of God.  We must resist jumping to conclusions if we are to be aware of others.  Consider the Bible's definition of "open mindedness."

The people here were more open-minded than those in Thessalonica, since they welcomed the message with eagerness and examined the Scriptures daily to see if these things were so. Consequently, many of them believed, including a number of the prominent Greek women as well as men.  Acts 17:11-12 (HCSB)

Open-mindedness is three steps: willingness to listen, eagerness to understand the message, and then examine by the Spirit (using God's Word as the standard).   Often our awareness of others breaks down in one of these three steps.  This also is quite a bit different from the Eastern Non-Judgmental Open-mindedness that has come to dominate the definition of "having an open mind" in our culture. 

Listening requires that we are paying attention.  To be aware of others your attention must be directed toward that person.  This requires focus and elimination of distractions.  When we fail to focus or if there are too many distractions then awareness of others can be seriously inhibited. 

Eagerness to understand requires that we "get it."  I call it the "I get it" factor.  A question that I often ask myself is, "Does what this person just said (or doing) to me make sense?"  If I answer the question "no" then clearly I have not understood him/her.  My goal then is to spend more time listening actively and possibly asking a question or two to clear up my misunderstanding.  To be clear understanding someone is not the same as agreeing with them.  Discernment is the last step in open-mindedness.  You cannot test what you do not understand.  Nor can you be aware of what you do not understand.  Understanding is another key to other awareness. 

Dear friends, do not believe every spirit, but test the spirits to determine if they are from God...  1 John 4:1 (HCSB)

Examine by the Spirit is much more difficult to describe.  I will talk more about the role of the Spirit in Mindfulness in a later post.  We often judge by our own standard and our own understanding.  This is a natural act of the will.   Spiritual discernment though requires engaging the Spirit of God in some manner.  Prayer, Bible Reading (as in this passage), meditation, setting your mind on the Spirit, and other spiritual disciplines are the ways to examine.  In short God's Spirit helps us to examine and God's word gives us the standard.

By practicing self-awareness proceeding other awareness, paying attention to fruit (listening to actions), and applying Biblical "open-mindedness" then we can greatly increase our awareness of others.