Personal Responsiblity

13 No one undergoing a trial should say, “I am being tempted by God.” For God is not tempted by evil, and He Himself doesn’t tempt anyone. 14 But each person is tempted when he is drawn away and enticed by his own evil desires. 15 Then after desire has conceived, it gives birth to sin, and when sin is fully grown, it gives birth to death. James 1:13-15 (HCSB)

Why are we as humans so adverse to personal responsibility? It would seem that we tend to blame everything under the sun for our moral shortcomings. Christians will do this to greater or lesser degree than any other non-believer. That leads me to believe that it is embedded in the human psyche.

Anger Presentation

Today nobody will stop with faith; they all go further
~Fear and Trembling Kierkegaard

I wonder where they are going?  I have been reflecting on all the straining and striving that we are prone to do.  BTW I think all of us are guilty at some level.  Contentment is a strange word.  Satisfaction with the way things are seems to be an unacceptable state.  How can I possibly be satisfied when so much is wrong around me?  Much is to be made of acceptance as well.  However acceptance is a mood away from complacency and that certainly does not seem to be acceptable either. 

Sermon: In the Midst of Darkness 3/13/11

Here is the MP3 for the sermon that I preached last week.  It loosely follows this post: In the midst of dark times.

Coping with Anger

Image via Wikipedia

There are times in which the situation that has you upset is not going to change or at least not change in the short term.  It is at these times that we have to learn to cope and work through the difficulty.  Here are some strategies for coping with anger. 

Express Feelings through�

We have an extraordinary ability to channel strongly held emotions in to all kinds of activities.  We can do this with anger.  The possibilities are as varied as people are varied.  I tend to express my feelings through writing.  But you could also write music, make music, create art and so on.

Go for a walk

Walking often takes you away from the anger provoking situation.  It lets cooler heads to prevail.  It also uses up some of the excess energy that comes from being upset.  When you walk try to clear your mind using CALM MIND. 

Physical Exercise and/or sports

Doing something physical helps to release the energy and can also be a acceptable way to release anger.  A little bit of an edge can be gained through anger.  I know that when I am lifting weights for example I can lift a little more weight or a couple more sets when I have been angry. 

Continue to relax

Relaxed and angry states are incompatible.   That is to say you cannot be physiologically angry and calm at the same time.  Here are some ways to practice relaxation.

Avoiding trouble

"Don't do it,  Don't say that!"  Your conscience is sounding off the alarm and you just plow right through with your own way.  Ever done that?  Well it seems silly to point this out, but in reality we need the reminder.  Approaching troublesome situations while you are feeling angry it a bit like pouring gasoline on a fire. 

Setting Healthy Boundaries

Sometimes our anger comes from the fact that we have not set healthy boundaries for ourselves.  We want to say, "NO!" but cave to other's desires at the expense of our own well being.  In this case the anger is resentment toward the other person for taking advantage of us.  We bear some of the responsibility. If we become good at setting boundaries with others then we can avoid situations where we reluctantly go along with things that hurt ourselves in the end.  Boundaries can be hard to set for someone that has been reluctant to do so.  First you have to guard your heart.  If people can hurt you at a heart level you are unlikely to set firm boundaries.  Then you have to give yourself permission to say "NO."  Next you have to learn to be assertive in a positive way rather than passive or aggressive way.  Finally you have to be clear and firm with what your boundaries are.  I think the topic of boundaries deserves a post to itself.  Maybe in the near future I will do some on the topic. 

Humor

Humor is good medicine.  You may not feel like it when you are upset, but humor can lift the spirits.  Whether it is you adding a little levity to a tense situation or if it is finding something humorous to be entertained with.  There is a strong indication in research that humor is one characteristic of a mutually satisfying marriage.  I believe that humor keeps us out of the hurtful bitterness that comes from unresolved anger. 

Personal Reflection

Sometimes when we are annoyed and irritated it is not clear to us why.  Sometimes we are upset with ourselves and we take it out on others.  Sometimes we are just plain selfish.  In these cases I believe personal reflection is in order.  Finding the root cause of your anger even if it is yourself or is a reflection of self-centeredness is useful in sorting things out.  Personal reflection can take the form of meditation over the situation to understand (not stew or blame).  It can be through writing it down (in a journal or a log).  The goal is to be more aware of your thoughts and pay attention to your internal dialogue. 

Meditation on Scriptures

I find that the Bible is like a mirror to the soul.  We look into a mirror to fix our hair and see our faces.  But we do not see the deeper self, our soul.  When we look into scriptures and we allow God's Holy Spirit to do His work the Bible becomes a powerful force in our lives to reveal our inner nature.  Meditation on scriptures not only is revealing, but it is also transformative.  Meditation will take your anger and change it to love and forgiveness. 

Forgiveness

The highest act we can do in our lives is to forgive one who has offended us.  Forgiveness is an act of the will choosing to live peaceably with consequences of someone else's missing the mark (sin).  In so far as it is possible with you you choose to live at peace with the person who has offended (Romans 12:18).  Forgiveness is not saying what someone has done to hurt you is right.  Forgiveness is not the elimination of external consequences.   Forgiveness is not putting yourself back into a situation to be hurt again. 

Unforgiveness hurts you more than it hurts the person you do not forgive.  In reality the person you refuse to forgive does not likely  think of how they offended you.  If they were thoughtful of you then they would not have offended you in the first place.  Or if they do care about how they offended then they would have quickly sought reconciliation.  As it is when you hold on to the hurt it becomes bitterness and bitterness becomes despair and despair robs you of life. 

 

In the end anger is a complex and rich emotion.  We have to learn to respect and use anger in a healthy way.  Anger itself is not bad, but much evil can come from anger if we let it.  On the other hand if we use anger to push us to greater action and to transform our lives and the lives of others then it can be a force for much good.  The choice it yours.  What will you do the next time you are affected by this passionate emotion we call "anger."

 

God Bless You
~BJ

Path to Peace

Returning back to my posts on anger, I previously posted on the ring of anger.  The ring of anger keeps anger going without resolution.  Just avoiding the things that are unproductive and unhealthy with anger does not resolve the feeling of anger.  I would even go further and say that unless you do something with the anger you are likely "stuffing it." 

The path of peace is a better way to handle the feelings of anger.  Remember it is not anger that is good or bad it is the way you handle it that makes it good or bad.  The four ways that are the path to peace are Show it positive (express it), Shape it, Sort it out, and/or Surrender it. 

Show It Positive (Express It)

Since you put away lying, Speak the truth, each one to his neighbor, because we are members of one another. Be angry and do not sin. Don't let the sun go down on your anger, and don't give the Devil an opportunity.
Ephesians 4:25-27 (HCSB)

One of the signs of emotional maturity is the ability to express feelings in a healthy manner.  Expressing anger in a mature, clear, and healthy way is very difficult.  Part of the reason is that when you are angry the thinking/planning/organizing/rationalizing part of your brain is slowed way down.  The other part of your brain is sending the signal "punch this guy" or "run away."  The rational part of your brain is lucky to guide that into a verbal response which usually results in a verbal attack or quiet seething.  While the verbal response is desirable to a physical attack it is lacking in emotional maturity. 

Expressing emotions like anger in a mature manner involves several steps.  First you have to be aware that you are angry.  That might seem funny to you, but most people that struggle with anger are not aware of their anger until after they have said or done something that they regret or hurt another person.  You may have said or been told in a loud angry tone, "I AM NOT ANGRY!"  It is the contradiction that demonstrates a lack of awareness.  The second step is understanding why you are angry.  "What is the trigger?"  "What do I believe about the situation?"  "Do I understand why I am feeling this way?"  After you are aware of and understand your anger, then it is time to put it into words.  The typical suggestion is "When" (Fill in the trigger) "happens I feel angry."  There are many words that describe the feeling of anger that can be applied to different types of anger as well as different intensities of anger.  Find the right word.  It might be helpful to learn a vocabulary of anger (more in a future post).

Shape It

A ruler can be persuaded through patience, and a gentle tongue can break a bone.
Proverbs 25:15 (HCSB)

In 1980 13-year-old Cari Lightner was killed by a drunk driver.  Candy Lightner was  devastated by the loss, as any parent would be.  She learned that the man that had killed her daughter would not spend much (if any) time in jail.  She felt enraged and helpless. Candy her mother promised herself that she would not let her daughter's death be meaningless.  Later that same year Candy formed Mother's Against Drunk Drivers (MADD) on September 5, 1980 (Cari's Birthday). 

Anger is a powerful force.  Undirected it is destructive to the victim and the perpetrator.  But if that force can be channeled it becomes an unstoppable movement for positive change.  How does one woman's anger become an international movement?  It is in the quality of shaping your anger to a positive outcome.  Now you may not start a national movement (or maybe you might), but you can use that same force to accomplish some good in your life and the life of others.  It takes support from friends and family. A willingness to let go of the destructive side of anger, and an unwavering commitment to see that anger motivate you to greater action.  It will take greater effort and thoughtfulness, but the wonderful thing about anger is how incredibly motivating it is.  Use that motivation or energy to do something positive.  It could be as simple as using it for an intense physical workout at the gym or as dramatic as starting a movement that radically changes your world.  Whatever it is channel it into something good!

Sort It Out

But I tell you, everyone who is angry with his brother will be subject to judgment. And whoever says to his brother, 'Fool!' will be subject to the Sanhedrin. But whoever says, 'You moron!' will be subject to hellfire. So if you are offering your gift on the altar, and there you remember that your brother has something against you, leave your gift there in front of the altar. First go and be reconciled with your brother, and then come and offer your gift. Reach a settlement quickly with your adversary while you're on the way with him, or your adversary will hand you over to the judge, the judge to the officer, and you will be thrown into prison.
Matthew 5:22-25 (HCSB)

Once a person has understood there anger it is beneficial to do something to sort it out.  Sorting it out will often involve going to the person that you have offended or who has offended you.  If you desire to sort it it out you have to approach the situation with a sincere desire to make things right.  It will not work if you go with the intent of justifying hurtful, harsh, or demanding manner then it will not likely work.  But if you go with grace, leniency, and a desire for reconciliation then you can have hope of sorting it out.  The process of sorting things out can be very complicated and difficult.  It can also be very time consuming.  Often it is not immediate so patience is a must.  What is more is sorting things out with another assumes that the other person is in a place to want to do the same.  Demanding that a person who is not ready to sort things out with you cooperate with your effort and "good will" is a sure recipe for frustration and increased anger.  This will further strain the relationship.  Just remember this:

Do not repay anyone evil for evil. Try to do what is honorable in everyone's eyes. If possible, on your part, live at peace with everyone.
Romans 12:17-18 (HCSB)

If it is not possible or if it is not practical to sort it out with another person sometimes you can sort out your anger by your self or with a trusted person than can listen to you and give honest feedback.  The goal of sorting it out on your own is to take your understanding and awareness to a deeper level.  Greater understanding will help you then to identify the things that you can change in yourself or in your environment to avoid triggers or resolve the anger that you experience.  Sorting it out will often lead to some level of acceptance for the way things are.  Not that you have to judge the situation as just, fair, or good, but that you accept it.  Once you are able to accept it then you can move to the next stage on the path to peace. 

Surrender It

I view surrendering anger from a spiritual view point.  It is hard for me to imagine surrendering anger from any other perspective.  I see surrender as different than forgetfulness or not bringing it back up.  Forgetfulness (if such a thing is possible) is unmindful.  It is a type of self-denial.  You have to forget being hurt and constantly work a releasing the hurt over and over and over again.  This may not be so hard for minor offences, but when someone has deeply hurt you this constant state of trying to release the hurt is in itself hurtful.  You have to deny you hurt, but how do you deny what you feel.  You have to deny yourself.  Self-transcendence is an extremely difficult road to take.  Few (if any) ever arrive.  When you fail at this self-denial then you are likely to beat up your self or have others beat you up emotionally by saying, "Why can you just get over it."  Not bringing it back up is also a type of self-denial.  Forgetfulness denies how you feel.  Not bringing it back up denies what you think.  You are reminded of the thing that made you angry and think on it, but do not express it.  You try to push it away from your awareness.  What I think happens is that the thought that is put away in an effort to not bring it up lies in our sub-conscious waiting until some other event reawakens our awareness of the thought.  Often this repeated awakening of the angry thought intensifies every time and eventually leads to resentment and/or forceful expression of the angry thought in some future discussion. 

So what then if denying how you think or feel does not lead to resolution then how does one take this path to peace?  Surrender is the key. 

sur-ren-der:	to yield (something) to the possession or power of another
	to give oneself up, as into the power of another; submit or yield

I use surrender in both senses of giving an object up as well as giving one's self up.  The object that you surrender is anger.  You yield or turn over the anger to the power of another.  To whom or what do you surrender the anger to?  Well I am convinced that spiritually speaking no one can receive someone else's anger by way of surrender.  It can only be received by another person through force, retaliation, or retribution.  I believe that only God can receive our anger by way of surrender.  Consider that surrendering anger to God is being obedient.

Friends, do not avenge yourselves; instead, leave room for His wrath. For it is written: Vengeance belongs to Me; I will repay, says the Lord.
Romans 12:19 (HCSB)

What is more surrendering your anger to God is a statement that you trust Him to work it out for the best.  When I try to avenge my anger I am just as likely to be angry in an unjustified or extreme way.  God on the other hand will execute justice in perfection.  What is more if the person is repentant it gives you a path toward restored relationship.  If you do not surrender your anger then even if the other person comes to you and says, "I am sorry" you will not have freedom to reconcile until you surrender your anger. 

Surrendering involves self-surrender.  First you submit to God.

But He gives greater grace. Therefore He says: God resists the proud, but gives grace to the humble. Therefore, submit to God. But resist the Devil, and he will flee from you.
James 4:6-7 (HCSB)

Then you submit to others.

Do nothing out of rivalry or conceit, but in humility consider others as more important than yourselves. Everyone should look out not only for his own interests, but also for the interests of others.
Philippians 2:3-4 (HCSB)

Even submit to those that are against you. 

But I tell you, don't resist an evildoer. On the contrary, if anyone slaps you on your right cheek, turn the other to him also. As for the one who wants to sue you and take away your shirt, let him have your coat as well. And if anyone forces you to go one mile, go with him two.
Matthew 5:39-41 (HCSB)
You have heard that it was said, Love your neighbor and hate your enemy. But I tell you, love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you, so that you may be sons of your Father in heaven. For He causes His sun to rise on the evil and the good, and sends rain on the righteous and the unrighteous.
Matthew 5:43-45 (HCSB)

But this is too hard you say.  I agree.  I think apart from a relationship with God through Christ this type of submission is impossible.  It requires that you have honor toward Christ, relating to God, and filled by the Spirit.

... but be filled by the Spirit... submitting to one another in the fear of Christ.
Ephesians 5:18 and 21 (HCSB)

The scope of submitting is far beyond what can be summed up in this brief post.  What I have done is given you a path.  A Path to Peace.  Now whether you choose to walk this path is up to you.  I pray that you find it and that the Spirit of God so fill you that you arrive safely in God's peace. 

God Bless You

Surrender

I had a chance to share a song with the church this last Sunday.  You can hear the song Undone by the group FFH here.  The song spoke to me the first time I heard it.  Surrender is not something that we typically focus on in our lives.  It runs against the grain of our natural humanity.  It is taken as a weakness to the natural man.  Spiritually though surrender is strength.  This truth is Spiritually discerned.  That is to say that it can only be understood with the aid of God's Holy Spirit.  It goes something like this. 

There once was a man that was angry.  He had a hard life.  He was not very popular growing up.  He was socially awkward and did not have any close friends.  He was often the target of taunts.  He even was assaulted at times by other boys that disrespected him.   The physical aspect of the assaults were not nearly as bad as the emotional damage.  He learned to hate people.  People are not to be trusted under any circumstance what so ever.  He lived his life not trusting people beyond what it took to get his basic needs met in this life.  His anger and bitterness grew with every passing year. 

In time he met a woman.  She was very outgoing.  You have heard that opposites attract well in this case you could not come up with a greater opposite than this.  He was shocked at first that someone so out going would even take an interest in him (a recluse).  They met in a coffee shop.  He was sitting working on his laptop finishing up some last minute changes for a presentation he was going to do later that day.  She saw him there typing away and decided to walk over to him.  She asked him what he was doing.  I am not sure if he was distracted with his work so his guard was down, but he talked with her when normally he would have chased her off with a gruff answer as if to say, "leave me alone." 

They hit it off and became good friends.  They would regularly meet at the coffee shop they met in.  As he let his guard down he found himself becoming more and more fond of her.  She also like him.  She would always say, "You make me think.  So many people just want to talk about the weather or sports, but when I am with you I feel like I can talk about anything."  As time passed their relationship became romantic.  He overcame his awkwardness with a deep sincerity that the woman had never known.  Everything was perfect. 

This story does not have a Hollywood ending though.  After a year of dating the man asked his girlfriend to marry.  She accepted.  They wanted to get married soon, but there was many plans to be made.  After what seemed to be an eternity (but was only 6 months) the day was quickly approaching.  The following week they were to be married and start their lives together. 

He got the call about 11:30 that evening.  "We have to talk" a shaky voice said on the other end of the line. 

"Is everything OK?"

"No it is not OK, but I don't want to tell you over the phone.  Can you meet me now?"

They set up a meeting at the coffee shop.  Unfortunately the shop was closed.  Just as well for what happened next. 

As he sat in the car with her his head was swimming with what could possibly be so wrong.  He greatest fear was that she was going to say that she did not want to get married.  He did not understand.

She said, "This is the hardest thing I have ever had to say.  You are the sweetest man on the whole earth and you deserve to have someone much better than me?"

"No that is not true.  Just tell me I am sure we can work through anything."

"I'm pregnant." 

At that moment his body became flush with a rush of adrenaline.  The kind of rush that makes the world go silent.  She had much more to say, but he could not hear her.  It was as if someone had plugged his ears and he could only see her mouth move.  After a few moments of this he could not even focus on her face as his world felt like a spinning merry go round.  Only in this case he could not get off the ride.  He knew she had been with another man.  They agreed to be old fashioned and not have sex until they were married.  And now she was pregnant.  He was snapped back into reality with, "... and that is why I have decided we cannot get married, I am sorry."  He just sat there with a swirl of emotions that cannot be adequately described by words.  He was silent. 

"I am going to go now.  I am so sorry.  I know you will make someone happy someday."

Alone, hurt, devastated, he began to weep.  His weeping turned to bitterness and anger.  He said to himself, "Once again it goes to show you that people are not to be trusted.  How could I have been such a fool.   Never again.  Never again will I let someone hurt me that way."

He spent the next 10 years alone.  He did not mind that much.  He found some companionship with a German Shepard that he rescued from the pound.  Not a day went by though that he did not think about how people had let him down.  His bitterness consumed him.  He was angry and contentious.  No one wanted to be around him and he was OK with that.  He wondered if that was all there was to life.  Let down your guard only to be devastated.  He began to wrestle within himself to find a way out of his mean life.  He tried many things, but to no avail.  Everything seemed meaningless.  He would on occasion remember that year with his girlfriend.  He recalled the good times they had which would make his pain all the more unbearable. 

Then one afternoon at that same coffee shop a young woman walked up to him.  She must have been in her early 20s he guessed.  He was much older than her so he did not see her as a threat.  He talked with her and thought to himself, "She seems so lively and upbeat, clearly she has not experience real life yet."  Then he grew tired of the conversation and spoke in a manner he had many times before to end the conversation.  "Life is only pain, misery, and suffering.  I ought to know I am the most miserable person on the earth."  Usually people would say a few more polite cliches  and then walk away.  He had expected her to do the same.  But she did not.

"What horrible thing must have happened to you to come up with such a hopeless philosophy in life?"

"You would not understand."

"Yeah your probably right, but I would like to hear about it just the same."

He told her the whole story of growing up, falling in love, and being betrayed.  "So you see there is nothing really good in this life."

"You need to surrender" She replied. 

"What?"

"You need to surrender your life."

He thought that this must be some kind of scene out of the twilight zone.  Or some bizarre nightmare that he would wake up from at any minute.  "No offence honey, but that has to be one of the dumbest things I have ever heard in my life."

"Yeah, I used to think the same as you.  It seemed pretty stupid to me also at first."  She went on to share how she had been horribly abused as a child and how her anger consumed her to the point she contemplated suicide. 

"What changed?"  He asked

"I surrendered." 

"I don't get it."

"I surrendered all my sorrows, anger, desires for revenge, the need to see justice done.  I put them all on the Cross of Jesus Christ." 

"Great" He thought, "She is one of those religious nut jobs."

"I figured that as long as I was holding on to my sorrow, anger, right to justice and revenge I was making my spirit sick.  I had a spiritual sickness that made me bitter and hateful toward the world.  To be honest I was even angry with God." 

He was unsure of what to say.  She had just described him perfectly. 

"Hey even our meeting here today was not an accident.  I was praying that God would give me someone to encourage and then I saw you here and now--  Well God want you to know that he loves you and cares for you.  He is ready to take your burdens once you are willing to surrender them.  He did for me I am sure he could do it for you."

I wonder is there anyone out there that would read this that needs to surrender?  Is there some anger, bitterness, addiction, broken relationship, secret sin, fear, painful memory and so on that needs to be given up.  Maybe holding on to it has made your "spirit sick."  God is there for you.  Not to rescue out of the brokenness, but through it.  Surrender is the strongest thing you can do!

God Bless You