More than words

 Love without Hypocrisy (Romans 12:9) is a trait of true love. If I am honest then I must confess that I have been the hypocrite. I have sinned and missed the mark when it comes to loving without hypocrisy.

Another way to say this is to be sincere in love. So often we make expressions of affection, but if we are honest, we come up short in actions of affection. We say that we care, we will help, we will pray, we will do such and such. However, either though neglect, forgetfulness, or lack of desire we are unable to complete the task. We see this warning in 2 Corinthians 8-9.

In 2 Corinthians 8:1-5 we see Paul praising the impoverished churches in Macedonia for their generosity in giving to others needs. They “begged” for the opportunity to participate in this gift. They did this by first giving themselves to God and then to the ministry of gifts by God’s will.

Paul goes on to challenge the Corinthians in to fulfill the pledge they made to give support to the needs of other Christians. He explains that he is not wanting them to be compelled by his asking, but rather out of love.

2 Corinthians 8:8 CSB

I am not saying this as a command. Rather, by means of the diligence of others, I am testing the genuineness of your love.

So when we make a promise to support others then we show the genuineness of love when we fulfill our vows. I think that none of us can make the claim to perfectly fulfill love in our relationships. However, we cannot use our imperfections to give up on loving well.

We also do well to recognize the law of sowing a reaping. In 2 Corinthians 9:6-9 we learn that the gifts that we give generously or sparingly reap the same. We also learn that God grace overflows and provides for our needs. So that out of our abundance we can “excel in every good work.” The purpose of our abundance then is not to serve ourselves, but rather to give and love well.

This brings me sorrow. I recognize that I can and must do better. How often I have missed the opportunity to love others out of the abundance of God’s graces. I am thankful for God’s “indescribable gift” (2 Corinthians 9:15). With God we have the forgiveness of sin. When we miss the mark God’s grace restores us that we might press on in good works. I am reminded:

Psalm 30:5 CSB

For his anger lasts only a moment, but his favor, a lifetime. Weeping may stay overnight, but there is joy in the morning.

Let us press on, seek forgiveness, and fulfill the vows of love and excel in good works of ministry.

May God Richly Bless You,

~BJ

End-Time Ethics (Wisdom about how to get through these trying times)

 

1 Peter 4:7–11 CSB

The end of all things is near; therefore, be alert and sober-minded for prayer. Above all, maintain constant love for one another, since love covers a multitude of sins. Be hospitable to one another without complaining. Just as each one has received a gift, use it to serve others, as good stewards of the varied grace of God. If anyone speaks, let it be as one who speaks God’s words; if anyone serves, let it be from the strength God provides, so that God may be glorified through Jesus Christ in everything. To him be the glory and the power forever and ever. Amen.

It is getting worse. Dear brothers and sisters in Christ I cannot say with any certainty that we are in the end times. However, I can say that this is a time of trial. What is more as the end times approach that trials will get worse. So how are we to respond?

Peter offers several admonitions for the people to survive and thrive through the end times. He says we need to be alert, sober minded, prayerful, loving, hospitable, and serving. Lets break down each of these and discern how these things might apply to us today.

Be Alert:

This Greek word is defined as: to be soberly wise v. — to think and live wisely in self-control over one’s passions and desires. This is a trait that seems so foreign to our current cultural moment. We have let passion and desire cloud our thinking about the circumstances of our time. Many have abandoned self-control. And it is difficult to find wisdom in our dialog. It seems that demanding your way has become the guiding principle of our times. It reminds me of the verse in Judges 21:25 “In those days there was no king in Israel; everyone did what was right in his own eyes.” The warning to be soberly wise is very valuable to our time. We cannot let the passions of the worldly strife take our heart and soul where God does not want us to go!

Sober Minded:

Peter doubly emphasizes the importance of having self-control. This word means: to get self-control ⇔ sober up v. — to curb the controlling influence of inordinate emotions or desires (and therefore become reasonable); conceived of as sobering up from the influence of alcohol. At times emotions and desires are a mind altering control over our thinking. Honestly I have fallen into this mindset. The warning here is to guard against falling into the altered state. The word gives a similarity to being under the influence of alcohol. Have your emotions and/or desires altered your mind? Peter’s admonition is “sober up!”

Prayer:

This is most certainly a time of prayer. I am so thankful for the Pastors at Richland Baptist Church. We have been meeting regularly to encourage each other in our walk with God. But more importantly we have been praying. We have been asking God to push us toward the things he wants in our lives. We have been praying for how God would have us lead. Praying for His Holy Spirit to fill our lives. We have prayed for the boldness and encouragement from the Lord. Quite honestly I have spent more time in prayer in the last two years than at any other time in my life. I don’t say that as a boast. I say that because that is what is needed at this time. We need to be in prayer.

Above all maintain constant love:

This has been the central truth that God has put on my heart. Anyone that has been reading my posts know this.

The phrase “above all” is vitally important to this verse. It means that love is to be the overarching and controlling influence in all that we do. The full extent of all that we do ought to be grounded in love. I am still working on this. I cannot say that I have been able to do this well. Prayerfully God is showing me how to love in His way.

We are to maintain love. That is love is active and intentional on our part. We cannot passively approach this subject of love. We are to keep love. When we lose love then we are going to be tossed about in the storm of this cultural moment. Love is the stabilizing force that keeps us grounded. The moment you start to maintain love the Devil will attack you. He does not want you to experience the power of God’s love in your life. Be forewarned maintaining love is no easy task.

We are to have a constant Love. This means that there is no sometimes love. Love is marked by great care and diligence. It is loving even when the natural thing would be to hate (Matthew 5:43-45).

Loving in this way has a product that is very important to the Christian life. At the very center of our faith is the grace and forgiveness that exist in the salvation we find in Jesus Christ. This forgiveness of sin is the very essence of the Gospel (good news) of our faith. When we love then it “covers a multitude of sins.” Let’s face it each of us are broken and sinful. We miss the mark with regularity. Without the covering of sin we would be hopeless. It is love of God that covers our sin in righteousness. So then when we love others we are forgiving of what every short comings they may have. Loving relationships are transforming. Hateful relationships are destructive. We need to be know by our love!

Be Hospitable:

This word is defined as: hospitable adj. — disposed to treat guests and strangers with cordiality and generosity. In our time there is a complete abandoning of cordiality and generosity. It has been lost. It does not surprise me that it has been lost in the world. What really troubles me is how much it has been lost in the Church. The church has become in many ways an inhospitable and viscous place. There have always been moments and places over the years that I have experienced this, but it has always been the exception and not the the norm. We have lost this. We need to get it back soon!

We are to be hospitable without complaining. Boy do we like to complain. I include myself in that. If there is something that we do not like we are quick to complain. The specific word here is grumbling. It reminds be of when the Israelites were in the desert and God was providing them daily food and yet the still complained about the leadership of Moses (Numbers 14:27). Complaining is very disheartening. It saps the zeal and excitement for the Lord. It is like a sail without a wind. Complaining makes you dead in the water. Ironically most people criticize because they want something to change. However, criticism makes change less not more likely. Any change positive or negative stalls in the face of Criticism

Serve Others:

God has given each of us gifts. We are to use these gifts in the service of others. That is our primary ministry in the kingdom of God. Our goal is not to be served but to serve. Often in church life we get that backwards. We look for ways that the body of Christ can serve our needs. Don’t get me wrong it is a blessing to receive the love and grace that comes from people who care about you. That is how it is supposed to work. However, our goal ought not to be to seek that out for ourselves, but rather how can we live that out toward others. Are you discontented? Then find somewhere in the church that you can serve and devote yourself to being the best God can make you to be in that position of service. Serve with excellence and Love.

We need to speak God’s words as we serve. Often we replace what God says with what we think is best. That is bound to create problems. We need to follow God and not use human idea, wisdom, polity, argument to encourage one another in church. That is not to say there is not wisdom that can be brought to bear in our walk. The Bible does not explain cardiology. However, man’s wisdom can never be held above or replace the clear teachings of God’s word. In order to know God’s word you have to be in God’s word. It is astounding to me how many who name Christ as their savior have never read the Bible once. Sure they look at selected passages, but never the whole book. We need to take the precious gift of God’s word to heart. We do that by digging into His Holy Bible.

We need to serve in God’s strength. I have at various times tried to do things in my own strength. I can go for a while this way, but it always ends poorly. I need to remember that. God is my strength.

That God Might Be Glorified:

What is the purpose of being alert, sober minded, prayerful, loving, hospitable, and serving? Well the main purpose it to glorify God. When we act in this manner God gets the glory of our obedience. We get the blessings of His pleasure. And ultimately it is not even our obedience purely. It is the work of Christ in our lives transforming us into the people that God has called us to be. So in that sense Jesus gets the glory for the work of sanctification in your life.

Dear brothers and sisters we are in a time of judgement. We need to get our house in order. I will talk more on this in my next post. In the meantime let us stay alert, be sober minded, spend more time in prayer, love in all ways and all circumstances, Practice being hospitable, and serving each other well.

God Bless You

~BJ

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Coping with Anger

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There are times in which the situation that has you upset is not going to change or at least not change in the short term.  It is at these times that we have to learn to cope and work through the difficulty.  Here are some strategies for coping with anger. 

Express Feelings through�

We have an extraordinary ability to channel strongly held emotions in to all kinds of activities.  We can do this with anger.  The possibilities are as varied as people are varied.  I tend to express my feelings through writing.  But you could also write music, make music, create art and so on.

Go for a walk

Walking often takes you away from the anger provoking situation.  It lets cooler heads to prevail.  It also uses up some of the excess energy that comes from being upset.  When you walk try to clear your mind using CALM MIND. 

Physical Exercise and/or sports

Doing something physical helps to release the energy and can also be a acceptable way to release anger.  A little bit of an edge can be gained through anger.  I know that when I am lifting weights for example I can lift a little more weight or a couple more sets when I have been angry. 

Continue to relax

Relaxed and angry states are incompatible.   That is to say you cannot be physiologically angry and calm at the same time.  Here are some ways to practice relaxation.

Avoiding trouble

"Don't do it,  Don't say that!"  Your conscience is sounding off the alarm and you just plow right through with your own way.  Ever done that?  Well it seems silly to point this out, but in reality we need the reminder.  Approaching troublesome situations while you are feeling angry it a bit like pouring gasoline on a fire. 

Setting Healthy Boundaries

Sometimes our anger comes from the fact that we have not set healthy boundaries for ourselves.  We want to say, "NO!" but cave to other's desires at the expense of our own well being.  In this case the anger is resentment toward the other person for taking advantage of us.  We bear some of the responsibility. If we become good at setting boundaries with others then we can avoid situations where we reluctantly go along with things that hurt ourselves in the end.  Boundaries can be hard to set for someone that has been reluctant to do so.  First you have to guard your heart.  If people can hurt you at a heart level you are unlikely to set firm boundaries.  Then you have to give yourself permission to say "NO."  Next you have to learn to be assertive in a positive way rather than passive or aggressive way.  Finally you have to be clear and firm with what your boundaries are.  I think the topic of boundaries deserves a post to itself.  Maybe in the near future I will do some on the topic. 

Humor

Humor is good medicine.  You may not feel like it when you are upset, but humor can lift the spirits.  Whether it is you adding a little levity to a tense situation or if it is finding something humorous to be entertained with.  There is a strong indication in research that humor is one characteristic of a mutually satisfying marriage.  I believe that humor keeps us out of the hurtful bitterness that comes from unresolved anger. 

Personal Reflection

Sometimes when we are annoyed and irritated it is not clear to us why.  Sometimes we are upset with ourselves and we take it out on others.  Sometimes we are just plain selfish.  In these cases I believe personal reflection is in order.  Finding the root cause of your anger even if it is yourself or is a reflection of self-centeredness is useful in sorting things out.  Personal reflection can take the form of meditation over the situation to understand (not stew or blame).  It can be through writing it down (in a journal or a log).  The goal is to be more aware of your thoughts and pay attention to your internal dialogue. 

Meditation on Scriptures

I find that the Bible is like a mirror to the soul.  We look into a mirror to fix our hair and see our faces.  But we do not see the deeper self, our soul.  When we look into scriptures and we allow God's Holy Spirit to do His work the Bible becomes a powerful force in our lives to reveal our inner nature.  Meditation on scriptures not only is revealing, but it is also transformative.  Meditation will take your anger and change it to love and forgiveness. 

Forgiveness

The highest act we can do in our lives is to forgive one who has offended us.  Forgiveness is an act of the will choosing to live peaceably with consequences of someone else's missing the mark (sin).  In so far as it is possible with you you choose to live at peace with the person who has offended (Romans 12:18).  Forgiveness is not saying what someone has done to hurt you is right.  Forgiveness is not the elimination of external consequences.   Forgiveness is not putting yourself back into a situation to be hurt again. 

Unforgiveness hurts you more than it hurts the person you do not forgive.  In reality the person you refuse to forgive does not likely  think of how they offended you.  If they were thoughtful of you then they would not have offended you in the first place.  Or if they do care about how they offended then they would have quickly sought reconciliation.  As it is when you hold on to the hurt it becomes bitterness and bitterness becomes despair and despair robs you of life. 

 

In the end anger is a complex and rich emotion.  We have to learn to respect and use anger in a healthy way.  Anger itself is not bad, but much evil can come from anger if we let it.  On the other hand if we use anger to push us to greater action and to transform our lives and the lives of others then it can be a force for much good.  The choice it yours.  What will you do the next time you are affected by this passionate emotion we call "anger."

 

God Bless You
~BJ

The Soul and Anger

It seems that most of the time the soul is often killed by anger.  Hurtful words, regret, fear, hatred, resentment, prejudice, loss of hope, rage and so on are all soul killers if we do not keep them in check.  In some ways anger is rooted in all of these.  It is no wonder that we grow up being taught to be guilty for our anger.  Look at all the damage it causes. 

This leads to a further frustration of feeling invalidated by someone saying "Don't be angry" or "You should not be angry" when in fact I am angry.  I can no more turn off my anger than to stop thinking about hunger when I have not eaten for most of the day.  Stuffing anger is not helpful because it will always come out in other ways (passive aggression, rage episodes, or depression).  So it would seem that you are stuck with no good options when it comes to anger.  I can think of that moment stuck between stuffing it or letting it all out and that hopeless feeling that no matter what I do it is not going to be good.  That is a soul killer!

Which leads me to the conclusion that:

...man’s anger does not accomplish God’s righteousness.
James 1:20 (HCSB)

Yet we have this:

Be angry and do not sin. Don’t let the sun go down on your anger, and don’t give the Devil an opportunity.
Ephesians 4:26-27 (HCSB)

I have read this passage and wondered, "OK, but how do I do that?"  Yet there is two immediate practical applications in this verse if we open ourselves to hear what God is saying

• Do not allow anger to fester "Don't let the sun go down" tells me that the time to deal with anger is in the here and now.  Not tomorrow, not next week, but right now.  However, it does not say go on the attack.  It just says deal with it now!!!!
• The motivation is a spiritual one.  Our anger can give the devil a foothold in our lives.  Unresolved anger is giving opportunity for spiritual downfall.

This passage is closely connected to this:

Know that the Lord has set apart the faithful for Himself; the Lord will hear when I call to Him. Be angry and do not sin; on your bed, reflect in your heart and be still. Selah Offer sacrifices in righteousness and trust in the Lord.
Psalms 4:3-5 (HCSB)

Continuing our list then:

• Know that your relationship with God sets you apart.  There is a peace that comes from knowing God.  In that moment know God and choose faithfulness.
• Call on the Lord.  Prayer in a moment of anger can release you from the bondage of misplaced passion
• Meditate (reflect) sort out, understand, your anger. 
• Be still!  There is a close connection between being still and knowing God (Ps 46:10)
• Selah which is most likely a musical term for pausing.  But in that moment of anger pause can be the most powerful thing you can do.
• Often doing what is right is a sacrifice.  Anger demands it's own.  Anger demands it's rights.  Anger demands others agree.  I am sure that you can think of other things that anger demands.  Righteousness often requires sacrifice and surrender.  These actions are in opposition to our anger most of the time.  At that moment think what is the righteous thing to do.  If it involves sacrifice or surrender then it is likely that you have stumbled upon the very thing that needs to be done in that moment. 
• Finally but certainly not least "trust in the Lord"  We repeat that phrase so often it is a cliché to us.  If "Trust in the Lord" has become a mindless phrase then take some time to examine why.  Trust in the Lord is a powerful spiritual truth that can find its way into the depth of your soul and move you from destruction to life. 

I have often said "Anger in and of itself is not good nor bad.  It is what you do with it that makes it good or bad."  I hope that some of these suggestions are helpful to you in your effort to "be angry and do not sin."

I call heaven and earth as witnesses against you today that I have set before you life and death, blessing and curse. Choose life so that you and your descendants may live, love the Lord your God, obey Him, and remain faithful to Him. For He is your life, and He will prolong your life in the land the Lord swore to give to your fathers Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob.”
Deuteronomy 30:19-20 (HCSB)

Have a Blessed Day

When Friends Fall

Image by Lawrence OP via Flickr

Then He said to them, "My soul is swallowed up in sorrow-to the point of death. Remain here and stay awake with Me." Going a little farther, He fell facedown and prayed, "My Father! If it is possible, let this cup pass from Me. Yet not as I will, but as You will." Then He came to the disciples and found them sleeping. He asked Peter, "So, couldn't you stay awake with Me one hour?"
Matthew 26:38-40 (HCSB)

There were three disciples that were extremely close with our savior.  Jesus had invited them along a very intimate moments in his ministry.  There was the time that Jesus raised the daughter of Jarius (Leader of the Synagogue in Capernaum).  That time Peter, James, John, and the parents were the only ones that Jesus allowed into to witness (Mark 5:22-23; 35-43).  Another time He took these same three disciples to the top of high mountain to pray.  While they were there they witness the transfiguration of Christ (Luke 9:28-36). 

On the eve of His crucifixion after the last meal with his disciples Jesus led them to the Garden of Gethsemane.  He asked his disciples to sit and wait for Him as he prayed.  However he invited these three Peter, James, and John to go a little further with Him.  He expressed his great distress "My soul is swallowed up in sorrow -to the point of death."  Then He asks them to do something, "Remain here and stay awake with me." 

These three who Jesus had shared some of the most intimate moments of His earthly life with were there with Him in the moment of greatest agony.  It seems like a simple request, "stay awake with me."

There are moments that we would like our friends to stay awake with us.  Those moments of great distress when it is all we can do to offer up a prayer.  And we might even reach out to them and say stay with me. 

What did they do?  They fell asleep.

Then He came to the disciples and found them sleeping. He asked Peter, "So, couldn't you stay awake with Me one hour? Stay awake and pray, so that you won't enter into temptation. The spirit is willing, but the flesh is weak.'
Matthew 26:40-41 (HCSB)

So a second time Jesus asks them again to stay awake.  He also tells them to pray so that temptation would not overtake them.  He explains that they have a weak flesh.  And of course they did what he said right?  No, they fell asleep.

And He came again and found them sleeping, because they could not keep their eyes open.
Matthew 26:43 (HCSB)

There will be times in your life when those that are closest to you are asleep in your deepest hour of need.  They may not be physically asleep, but perhaps they will be spiritually or emotionally asleep.  The point is they will not be there for you.  Those that are closest may not be there when you need them.  What is more it is even possible that our friends could deny us in our deepest need (Matthew 26:34-35 and Matthew 26:74-75). 

At this moment we have a choice.  Do respond in kind?  Do we put up walls to keep from getting hurt?  Do we push them away? WWJD?

John 21:15-19 records Jesus' restoration of Peter after His resurrection.  Jesus forgave Peter his shortcomings and restored him for the greater purpose and ultimately our greater good.  Restoring a friend that has not been there for you or even denied you is a very difficult thing.  But it is what Jesus has modeled for us.  Some might object by saying, "But Jesus is God and I am not that forgiving."  Consider these verses:

Do not repay anyone evil for evil. Try to do what is honorable in everyone's eyes. If possible, on your part, live at peace with everyone. Friends, do not avenge yourselves; instead, leave room for His wrath. For it is written: Vengeance belongs to Me; I will repay, says the Lord. But If your enemy is hungry, feed him. If he is thirsty, give him something to drink. For in so doing you will be heaping fiery coals on his head. Do not be conquered by evil, but conquer evil with good.
Romans 12:17-21 (HCSB)

or even:

Brothers, if someone is caught in any wrongdoing, you who are spiritual should restore such a person with a gentle spirit, watching out for yourselves so you also won't be tempted.
Galatians 6:1 (HCSB)

or even:

For if you forgive people their wrongdoing, your heavenly Father will forgive you as well. But if you don't forgive people, your Father will not forgive your wrongdoing.
Matthew 6:14-15 (HCSB)

It is clear to me that even when we are hurt by others that God desires for us to forgive and restore.  I know that is not easy.  But if a person repentant like Peter (and unlike Judas), then we are to restore such a person.  In doing this we honor God and we gain a friend. 

Blessings to you all.

Trustworthiness According to the Bible

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One of the strange things about the area of trustworthiness is that I takes many things to build it, but it only takes a few things (sometimes only one) to destroy it.  think about building a tower of blocks.  If you keep taking blocks out from the base the tower is going to collapse.  It is the same with trustworthiness.  But what is trustworthy and how do I know when I have it or have found it. 

According to the Bible a trustworthy person...

hates bribes	Exodus 18:21
is responsible	Nehemiah 13:13
keeps a confidence (not gossiping)	Proverbs 11:13
brings healing words	Proverbs 13:17
brings refreshing words	Proverbs 25:13
is honest with a friend even if means the subject is unpleasant	Proverbs 27:6
is above reproach, not negligent	Daniel 6:4
has friends willing to stand up for them	1 Samuel 22:14
believes in God and His word	2 Chronicles 20:20
has faith in God	Psalms 27:13
waits for God	Psalms 27:14
is a good steward (responsible with other's money)	Matthew 25:22-23
is given more responsibility based on faithfulness	Luke 19:16-17
is a servant of God and managers of God's mystery (gospel message)	1 Corinthians 4:1-2 See also Colossians 1:26-27
is respectful, not slanderous, self-controlled	1 Timothy 3:11
is an example in speech, conduct, love, faith, and purity	1 Timothy 4:12
takes care of their family	1 Timothy 5:16
holds on with hope and without wavering	Hebrews 10:23
is concerned about others, promotes love, promotes good works, attends worship with other believers, encourages others	Hebrews 10:24-25
walks in truth (integrity) and supports others (even strangers)	3 John 1:3-8
is faithful during affliction	Revelation 2:10

Here is an interesting lesson on faithfulness.  Jonah the faithful prophet of God became unfaithful, yet God used him in spite of Jonah's unfaithfulness.  Albeit Jonah needed a little convincing in the belly of a fish for three days and three nights.  He still did not get it at the end so one wonders whether he ever got it turned around.  Probably otherwise we would not have the book.  Even more interesting is that the Ninevites whom enriched themselves with the plunder of wars became trustworthy in a moment through repentance at God's Word (Jonah 3:5-9).  Jesus even used them of an example of trustworthiness (Luke 11:32).    So the bloodthirsty Ninevites gain trustworthiness through the wonderful grace of God.  And that same grace is available to us through Christ.  Praise God for His wonderful mercy and grace.  Praise God for new beginnings. 

The story of Jonah along with the verses above have shown me that trustworthiness is first based on a relationship with God followed by a commitment to grow in Him.  A trustworthy Christian is one that is growing in his or her relationship with Christ.  One problem with thinking of trustworthiness as a category or a goal to achieve is that it lends itself to the belief that we can arrive at trustworthiness and then our work is done.  Not so.  These passages I have shared with you make it clear to me that trustworthiness is a life long pursuit and requires persistence to grow in this way. 

I encourage you to make faithfulness a goal of your daily walk with Christ.  Do not let neglect become your weakness leading to unfaithfulness ending in broken trust.  God Bless you.

Sexual Trauma

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Sexual Trauma is a barrier to sexual intimacy.  Trauma comes in many forms.  The most extreme is sexual abuse, but it can come in milder forms.  For example someone with increased sensitivity catching your spouse looking at porn can be a trauma.  Another might be finding out your spouse is having an affair.  Childhood sexual abuse is a sexual trauma.  Sexual trauma is when an event that threatens your well being and the associated feelings become connected to sexual behavior.  Often the associated feelings are subconscious.  They will pop up without understanding or explanation.   Sexual trauma can be from within the marriage or from some other event from the past.  To be clear unwanted sexual behavior of an aggressive nature is abuse whether the couple is unmarried or married.  Forced sexual contact is rape regardless of marital status. 

One of the difficult aspects of trauma is that the memory and associated feelings are often locked into the brain and do not go away.  There can be some relief through various therapies, but it only takes a moment to bring up those feelings from the past.   Imagine if you will a super camera that records everything, sight, sound, smell (very strong in trauma), thought, feeling, sensation.  Now that super camera has an automatic alarm attached to it that is loud enough to wake the soundest of sleepers.  That is what it is like to experience sexual trauma and cues that remind of the past trauma.

Once trauma is encoded into the brain it pretty much becomes a permanent part of that persons life story.  Interesting there are some therapy techniques that help people retell their story so that they can better cope in the present.  This may make coping more effective, yet even in this scenario the trauma is still a part of the life story.   

One of the most unhelpful things you can do if your spouse is struggling with sexual trauma is to tell them to either "get over it" or "stop punishing me."  "Get over it" is irritating and down right disrespectful.  It communicates you are not a safe person to deal with genuine feelings and blames the victim.  Remember your spouse is the victim.  "Stop punishing me" is playing the victim.  You are not the victim in sexual trauma (at least in this hypothetical scenario) your spouse is.  You cannot help your spouse leave the role of victim by playing one yourself. 

Let me just say if you are in a relationship in which trauma is regularly occurring or is severe in nature you need to find a safe place.  Reconciling with a person should be done with the greatest of caution and only after the person has demonstrated a change in heart and change in behavior.  Placing yourself in a dangerous situation is foolishness don't do it!!!!!!

To help a spouse who is a victim of sexual trauma you have to recognize your role in it. 

If you are the person that instigated the trauma you have to make a full admission to your role and take steps to break the behavior that traumatized your spouse in the first place.  You have to take responsibility for these behaviors without blaming your spouse.  Sexual Trauma is often rooted in anger.  You have to be willing to take a look at how you handle anger, frustration, and irritability.  You might need to seek out help of another as you learn to deal effectively with anger.  If you do not then your spouse will not feel safe to allow for sexual intimacy. 

You might be thinking, "But I did not cause this."  It is important to recognize that people who have been traumatized can and often are retraumatized by the behavior of others.  You may not have initiated the trauma, but as the spouse of a victim of sexual abuse you have an obligation to takes steps to not retraumatize them.   You have to be willing to break from those behaviors regardless of how your spouse should feel or not feel safe.  Stated another way:  You cannot help your spouse develop coping skills for past trauma by constantly pulling the scab of the wound.  

If you are the victim of sexual trauma and you desire to have true sexual intimacy with your spouse then you have to take a path of learning to trust another with your body and vulnerably again.  It is not an easy path, but it can be done.  If your spouse is the cause of the sexual trauma and is repentant then you are needing to take the path of going FORTH (see previous post).  You also may want to seek additional help of a counselor, pastor, and/or trusted friend. 

It is sad that in order to accomplish ideal sexual intimacy that we have to address the ugliness of sexual sin whether the guilty party or the victim or the spouse of the victim.  However, we have to take a stand to protect others from trauma and become safe people else we risk becoming part of the problem.  Without repentance (a change of heart and direction) then true sexual intimacy cannot occur. 

One of the most beautiful things that can happen in marriage is that the relationship can be a source of great healing and hope.  If both spouses commit to loving each other in the manner in which you hold the other's needs higher than your own and you enlist the healing power that exists in the grace of God then genuine healing can be the result.  Together you can build sexual intimacy and overcome the past sexual trauma through a safe, compassionate, loving, caring marriage.  If it is lost then it can be restored if both spouses seek it.  If it is present then your marriage is a place of great worth. 

Intimacy Lost

There are times when a relationship is broken.  It is not that intimacy is lacking, but rather that it has been significantly altered by some painful event.  This is not the same as those that have been hurt by false intimacy (see here for that subject), but that have had intimacy and had it taken by a painful event and/or desire to get it back.  Sometimes one, the other, or both spouses are to blame.  Other times it is some event that happens outside the marriage that is such a significant trauma that intimacy is lost within the marriage.  These are painful times.  Heartache, fear, distrust, disgust, aversion, coldness, loneliness, grief, and other painful emotions are at the forefront during these times of life.  Marriage because of the potential for intimacy  can be the source of great destruction or great healing during these times depending on how the trauma is handled.  It is unlikely that one can be neutral during these times because to do nothing actually make the relationship destructive (albeit in a more passive way).  Perhaps you are at that place now: an affair, traumatic violence,  serious violation of trust, emotional trauma, significant loss in life, really anything that is a traumatic or a loss in life will fit the bill. 

A list of things that I believe are helpful during these times is to understand when it time to go "FORTH" are Forgiveness, Openness, Respect, Trust, and Healing.  These five concepts are interrelated, but is they also are different.  It is important if you are to restore intimacy to understand the similarity and differences between these five relationship concepts. 

Forgiveness

Forgiveness is the quality of releasing the other person from condemnation for his or her offence.  Condemnation is the act of declaring guilty and holding a person accountable to the fullest extent possible.  Condemnation has no room for grace or circumstances.  To release condemnation is to forgive.  What that means individually is that a person releases his or her personal right (real or perceived) to demand retribution.  Individual forgiveness is different than pardon.  Pardon is given by society or some society representative.  For example a person might forgive a person that assaulted them, but that does not mean they are pardoned for the crime.  Forgiveness also is unique from openness, respect, trust and healing.  A person can forgive and not have the other four.  This is important because recognizing forgiveness as different will avoid you falling into the trap of believing that you have not forgiven or believing that your spouse has not forgiven because they do not trust. 

Openness

One of the casualties in traumatic events is often openness.  It is based somewhat in trust.  However it is different from trust.  Openness is both a measure of the level of trust in a relationship and the mechanism for rebuilding trust in a relationship.   Openness is being accountable, vulnerable, sincere, forthright, and clear.  It is avoiding secretiveness.   It also has a quality of gentle honesty.  I distinguish that from brutal honesty.  Brutal honesty is not openness, but rather is an attack usually meant to punish the other person for bringing the subject up.  Gentle honesty is being transparent while being fully aware of how what your are saying may affect the person that you are talking with.  It is focused more on how you say things over what you are say.  At times there is a tension that exists in that what you have to say may be unpleasant.  Gentle honesty does not hide the unpleasant, but thinks long and hard about timing, manner, and intent of sharing unpleasant information. 

Respect

Respect is another casualty of traumatic events.  This is especially true when the root cause of the trauma lies within the behavior of the other spouse (having an affair for example).  You might wonder about how to respect someone who has done something dishonorable.  I would agree that this is a difficult thing.  However if your goal is to restore emotional intimacy then disrespect will not bring that about and will in fact have the opposite effect on the relationship.  Disrespect is fuel to defensiveness and distrust.  There are times when respect (or disrespect) is learned from previous relationships and displayed in the marriage relationship.  For example if you grow up in a family that does not respect the feelings of others then you will have a greater likelihood that you will have a lack of respect for your spouses feelings and not even be aware that you are doing that.  The substance of respect is positive regard (treating with kindness), courteousness, sensitivity to feelings of the other, endure, give benefit of doubt, value opinion of, and giving of esteem when something good is done. 

Trust

I have said in a previous post that trust is vital element in emotional intimacy.  Not wanting to repeat myself here let me just contrast trust and forgiveness.  Trust is the ability to be vulnerable and entrust your life and emotions with a person that you love.  Forgiveness is a release from the right to retaliate.  They certainly do overlap, but they are different and are on different schedules.  Most of the time when spouses say "You don't forgive me" it is not true.  The fact he or she is willing to show up in counseling is evidence of forgiveness in my estimation.  Unforgiving people do not seek out reconciliation or a way to make the relationship better.  What would be more accurate to say is, "I desire for you to trust me."  In this way the responsibility is shared.  The person who has broken the trust has the obligation to demonstrate trustworthiness and the person who has been offended has to reach a point where they can be vulnerable again.  This is not the same a forgiveness and will take time as the couple grows in trustworthiness and vulnerability.

Healing

I like to use a serious break in the leg as an analogy for healing.  The recovery from a serious complicated break can be relatively short to a extensive.  It depends on many factors (type of break, whether surgery is needed, bone health, activity level before and after the break, etc).  Even when a break is healed there may be times that in cold weather or if you step just in a certain way that you will have a painful reminder of the break.  Stated another way there is never a complete healing 100%.  Recovery is lifelong to a certain extent. 
In the same way psychological trauma is never 100% healed.  I raise this issue because I want to contrast it with the issue of forgiveness.  A person will experience painful emotions for a long time after a trauma or serious loss.  However, painful emotions is in no way indicative of a lack of forgiveness.  The painful emotions are there because you are human and are still in a process of healing and recovery.  There should never be guilt over painful emotions either in the form of guilt trip (by the other) or by self reproach (why can I just get over it).  Healing takes time and will often be the last to occur in this list of five things (sometimes life long). 
That being said emotional intimacy can be forged in the process of healing.  If the person that is supporting recovery of the other becomes an agent of healing then they form of bond with that person that is extremely strong, even when the person is at fault for the trauma in the first place.  The key to healing painful emotions is to avoid the guilt trap.  Guilt turns painful emotions into suffering.  You have to accept the feelings of pain whether you are the person experiencing them or if you are the person wanting to support.  Together healing will bring the emotional intimacy that you long for.  The difficulty is that it takes time and progress is measured by months if not years depending on the type of trauma.  End the end it is worth it if you are willing and your spouse is the person that is willing to take the journey with you. 

If this describes your relationship I pray that you will seek and receive the healing you are looking for.  If you are the support person then I pray that you will be come the agent of healing for your spouse for better or for worse.  God bless you.  If this does not describe you consider supporting another couple that is going through a hard time as a support toward healing and reconciliation. 
 

Are you Hungry? (mindless fool or mindful righteousness)

Hunger is a state of longing to be filled.  This is a basic drive for all human beings.  If you have ever tried fasting you quickly become aware of how intense this drive can be.

Jesus said:

Those who hunger and thirst for righteousness are blessed, for they will be filled. Matt 5:6 (HCSB)

Continuing on the subject of filling and wholeness I want to post a question to you.  What is it that you are Spiritually Hungry for?  This may be a difficult post for some.  It was not the direction that I had anticipated, but God has proven to me over and over that He desires for us to take things to the next level of awareness and today this is what He is showing me.

After a good meal there is a general sense of well-being that come over you.  I the expression is often, "that was a good meal."  That feeling of well being is the result of a desire fulfilled.  We can have that feeling about many things, but according to Christ to be filled spiritually we need to desire righteousness.  Being filled with righteousness will lead to a sense of well-being that is greater than that felt after a good meal. 

There is a difference between filled with self-righteousness and filled with God's righteousness.  Self-righteousness is often only concerned about outward appearances.  This is one thing that Christ was so adamantly against.  Why?  I believe that self-righteousness keeps us trapped.  Let me describe what I mean.  If a person believes they are righteous (but in reality are just self-righteous) then this becomes the core of their identity.  Every action they take is built on confirming their own righteousness.  Jesus gave this example:

The Pharisee took his stand and was praying like this: 'God, I thank You that I'm not like other people -greedy, unrighteous, adulterers, or even like this tax collector.  I fast twice a week; I give a tenth of everything I get.' Luke 18:11-12 (HCSB)

The Pharisee's very identity was based on the fact that he was not unrighteous.  His self-righteousness blinded him to the fact that he was not perfect (old-world sense).  He was still missing something.  As long as someone continues in self-righteous acts they will continue to be unmindful of who they really are.  Their awareness is only on what they do which serves to distract them from what God is trying to show them.  The self-righteous see that no change is needed. 

There is a concept in psychology about the change process called "precontemplation."   Those that are in this stage are not even aware that they have a problem.  This lack of awareness can be either through ignorance or through denial.  The Pharisees were the most learned spiritual leaders of Jesus' time.  They could not claim ignorance.   That would leave denial as the only option.  So they denied the need of a savior.  That is why Jesus confronted them.  Interestingly in the protocol for counselors working with a person in precontemplation is to get the person to reconsider their opinions, get them to be more self-aware, and point out the consequences of them continuing down the path they are headed.  This is exactly what Jesus was doing with the Pharisees of His day.  Hmmm... Jesus used motivational interviewing (maybe a future post). 

Self-righteousness ends in external hyper-religious unmindfulness (now there is a mouthful).  The cure is to humble yourself before God and allow His Holy Spirit to work on your heart and show you how to be filled.  Self-righteousness is starvation while feeling (or believing you are) full.  Now that is unmindful.

At the other end of the spectrum is casting off righteousness (the fool).  There are people that would just rather that there were not morals to follow.  Their ideal world would be one that suits their pleasure and engaged in the pleasuring of others so that we could have a utopia of pleasure.  Unfortunately such a place does not exist.  The result of such a pursuit is the darkening of one's mind. 

For though they knew God, they did not glorify Him as God or show gratitude. Instead, their thinking became nonsense, and their senseless minds were darkened.  Claiming to be wise, they became fools  and exchanged the glory of the immortal God for images resembling mortal man, birds, four-footed animals, and reptiles. Romans 1:21-23 (HCSB)

Note that God has made Himself evident!  But they were not mindful of it and they did not seek His Righteousness so their thinking became nonsense (according to the wisdom of God).  Mindlessness begets mindlessness.  Foolishness begets foolishness.  As this process continues God gives them over to the darkness of their mind (Romans 1:26).  They become completely unaware of God (The fool says in his heart, "God does not exist. ;Psalms 14:1) or His righteousness.   Being a fool is starving while being unaware that the thing you are throwing away is food.  That last sentence should adequately illustrate the the lack of mindfulness in this state.   

Now having established what mindless hungering looks like let's look at what mindful hungering looks like? 

But the tax collector, standing far off, would not even raise his eyes to heaven but kept striking his chest and saying, 'God, turn Your wrath from me -a sinner!'  I tell you, this one went down to his house justified rather than the other; because everyone who exalts himself will be humbled, but the one who humbles himself will be exalted.  Luke 18:13-14 (HCSB)

First, you have to be aware of yourself as God sees you.  That may seem like a difficult thing.  It is impossible apart from the Holy Spirit.   The good news is that God's Holy Spirit's ministry is to do just that.

When He comes, He will convict the world about sin, righteousness, and judgment... John 16:8 (HCSB)

Notice the tax collector's awareness: "God" (righteousness), "Turn your wrath" (judgment), "a sinner" (sin).  This awareness is the conviction of the Holy Spirit.  You have to be open to this process.  If you are not open then you risk quenching the Holy Spirit.  The root of this awareness is based in fear.  This is unpopular in our day and age.  We want to focus on Love of God (no doubt He is love), but the "fear of the Lord is the beginning of knowledge (Prov 1:7)", "fear of the Lord is the beginning of wisdom (Prov 9:10)", "fear of the Lord prolongs life (Prov 10:27)", "In the fear of the Lord one has strong confidence (Prov 14:26)", "fear of the Lord is a fountain of life (Prov 14:27)", and "one turns from evil by the fear of the Lord. (Prov 16:6)"

Notice that fear of the Lord leads to escape mindless hungering.  For the self-righteous there is in a moment an awareness of the righteousness of God and how "all our righteous acts are like a polluted  garment (Literally menstrual cloth; Isaiah 64:6)."  That kills the desire for self-righteousness and leads one into hungering for God's Righteousness.  For the fool there is an awareness of certain judgment if his/her state does not change (ie leading to repentance). 

Our tax collector had "fear of the Lord" and confessing his sin to God "went down to his house justified."  You see by cultivating a healthy fear (reverence, awe, respect) of God our attention is drawn to His Righteousness and we begin to hunger and thirst for it. 

Mindful hungering begins with fearful awareness of self as God sees you, reverent awareness of the righteousness of God, respectful awareness of God's judgment, leading to humbling and repentance, which then leads to hungering and thirsting for righteousness.  In short, "God, turn Your wrath from me -a sinner!"  With this in place then the promise, "for they will be filled" can be fulfilled in your life. 

Lord we long to be mindful of sin, righteousness, and judgment.  We hunger and thirst for your righteousness.  Put the fear of the Lord in our hearts that we might not stray from Your path.  Envelop us with Your Love as You fill us with the righteousness of God.  Lead us into mindful awareness of You.  In Jesus Name AMEN