Sermon: Great Expectations

Audio: Great Expectation
Slides:
 
Text:

Chippie the parakeet never saw it coming. One second he was peacefully perched in his cage. The next he was sucked in, washed up, and blown over.

The problems began when Chippie's owner decided to clean Chippie's cage with a vacuum cleaner. She removed the attachment from the end of the hose and stuck it in the cage. The phone rang, and she turned to pick it up. She'd barely said "hello" when "ssssopp!" Chippie got sucked in.

The bird owner gasped, put down the phone, turned off the vacuum, and opened the bag. There was Chippie -- still alive, but stunned.

Since the bird was covered with dust and soot, she grabbed him and raced to the bathroom, turned on the faucet, and held Chippie under the running water. Then, realizing that Chippie was soaked and shivering, she did what any compassionate bird owner would do . . . she reached for the hair dryer and blasted the pet with hot air.

Poor Chippie never knew what hit him.

A few days after the trauma, the reporter who'd initially written about the event contacted Chippie's owner to see how the bird was recovering. "Well," she replied, "Chippie doesn't sing much anymore -- he just sits and stares."

It's hard not to see why. Sucked in, washed up, and blown over . . . That's enough to steal the song from the stoutest heart.

~Max Lucado, In the Eye of the Storm, Word Publishing, 1991, p. 11.

I would like to share from Matthew 11:1-6.  In this passage we will see how John the Baptist had been sucked in, washed up, and blown over, and how Jesus pointed John the way to restore the song of his heart.  Let’s pray.

Today nobody will stop with faith; they all go further
~Fear and Trembling Kierkegaard

I wonder where they are going?  I have been reflecting on all the straining and striving that we are prone to do.  BTW I think all of us are guilty at some level.  Contentment is a strange word.  Satisfaction with the way things are seems to be an unacceptable state.  How can I possibly be satisfied when so much is wrong around me?  Much is to be made of acceptance as well.  However acceptance is a mood away from complacency and that certainly does not seem to be acceptable either. 

From Bitterness to Sweetness (Prayer and Intercession)

The work of intercession is rarely inactive. In fact on the heals of a great movement of God there can still be great challenges. Moses was not immune to this.

Then Moses led Israel on from the Red Sea, and they went out to the Wilderness of Shur. They journeyed for three days in the wilderness without finding water. They came to Marah, but they could not drink the water at Marah because it was bitter-that is why it was named Marah. The people grumbled to Moses, "What are we going to drink?" So he cried out to the Lord, and the Lord showed him a tree. When he threw it into the water, the water became drinkable. He made a statute and ordinance for them at Marah and He tested them there.
Exodus 15:22-25 (HCSB)

After crossing the Red Sea and journeying for three days the camp was running out of water. So they had been on foot for 10 days in the wilderness. Water for that many people was a very serious issue. Then when they find water it is bitter so they cannot drink, it is understandably discouraging to the natural man. One might suggest that three days after a great miracle of God would hardly be the time to start complaining. But in reality in the United States we live in one of the most affluent cultures in human history, yet we complain right along with the best of them. I believe it is in our nature to complain. Also being in the wilderness without water is a very serious issue. You can go a while without food, but you will not live long without water. So their need was very real. However, complaining was not going to solve their bitterness.  If anything it would only increase it!

To the spiritual man, a man of faith there is only one option.  Go to God!  Notice Moses' response to the people's grumbling. He prayed, listened, obeyed, waited on the Lord, praised and glorified God. Moses cried out to the Lord. God gave him instructions. Moses followed the instructions. Moses watched as God healed the waters. It is not specifically recorded that they worshiped and glorified God, but the name Jehovah Ropha (The Lord that Heals) can be a very worshipful name. I would also like to point out that the name makes it clear who gets the credit here. God healed the the water, not some magic at the hands of Moses, not some clever understanding of the properties of the branch. No, to be clear, God interceded, Moses' role was to bring the petition to God and follow obediently what God was showing him. Such is the way of the minister of intercession. We bring the need before the Lord, obey what God says to us, and glorify God for the outcome.

Notice that last phrase, "He (God) tested them there." It was a test of obedience (Exodus 15:26). What is more it was obedience leading to greater faith and greater blessing. They obeyed by faith what God called on them to do, God healed the water, they grew in faith, and God led them to a oasis in the midst of the desert (Exodus 15:27). God could have led them straight to the oasis, but they would have not noticed nor would it have strengthened their faith.

See in our own lives we have to accept the bitter moments along with the sweet moments. If we only long for the sweet moments and are discouraged by the bitter moments we will not grow in our faith. We become spoiled and take God for granted. But if we can learn to trust and obey God in the bitter moments then He will heal the bitterness and lead us into greater blessing. One thing to keep in mind in light of eternity our bitterness is only temporary. The blessing of God is eternal.

It has come to my awareness that some of the mightiest prayer warriors are some of the most humble people I have met. The are regularly glorifying God for what he has done in their lives and in the lives of others. To my shame I have doubted their praises when a natural explanation has been obvious to me. See at that time I was looking with natural eyes.

"Lord pull back the veil that I might see Your mighty works and appreciate Your healing hand. In Jesus Name AMEN"

~BJ

Related articles

• We are His Servants God is Our Intercessor (bjs-spot.blogspot.com)
• I Did Not Expect That (bjs-spot.blogspot.com)
• Aligning with God (bjs-spot.blogspot.com)
• Missing the Mark with Intercession (bjs-spot.blogspot.com)

Meditation: Waiting on the Lord

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Passage
James 5:7-11

Context
James the brother of our Lord Jesus Christ and leader of the Church in Jerusalem is writing those Christian Jews that have gone abroad.  The Church was undergoing great persecution and so he is offering this word of encouragement to the believers of that day. 

Key words
Patience, Wait, Suffering, Endure, Compassionate, and Merciful

Message
"You want me to wait?  But I don't have time!  What is more I don't want to.  Never mind I will take care of it myself!"

I am not so sure that any of us would say such a thing to God with our mouths, and yet we tend to say it with our actions.  Let's face it we do not like to wait.  I like this passage it uses three pictures to help us to understand waiting. 

The first picture is from agriculture.  A farmer works the ground, plants the seed, tends the crops, and then reaps a harvest.  His waiting is a act of trust and of work.  Crops do not produce themselves.  they are not instantaneous.  They require and investment of work and they require that the farmer wait for the right season to harvest.  I wonder what I have missed because I have not waited or been willing to invest in God's plan. 

The second is a picture of prophets of God.  It makes me think of this passage:

And what more can I say? Time is too short for me to tell about Gideon, Barak, Samson, Jephthah, David, Samuel, and the prophets, who by faith conquered kingdoms, administered justice, obtained promises, shut the mouths of lions, quenched the raging of fire, escaped the edge of the sword, gained strength after being weak, became mighty in battle, and put foreign armies to flight. Women received their dead-they were raised to life again. Some men were tortured, not accepting release, so that they might gain a better resurrection, and others experienced mockings and scourgings, as well as bonds and imprisonment. They were stoned, they were sawed in two, they died by the sword, they wandered about in sheepskins, in goatskins, destitute, afflicted, and mistreated. The world was not worthy of them. They wandered in deserts and on mountains, hiding in caves and holes in the ground. All these were approved through their faith, but they did not receive what was promised,
Hebrews 11:32-39 (HCSB)

When I consider the suffering that other have endured for the name of the Lord my light affliction seems insignificant.  What more can I do to faithfully endure when surrounded by such incredible feats of faith, devotion, and love.  Lord forgive my whining. 

The third picture is of Job.  Job was a man that was afflicted by the Devil himself.   In the book that bears his name the account is given of how he became increasingly afflicted and eventually lost everything except for his life.  In the end he was restored and God richly blessed him.  He had to wait and endure great hardship to get to that place. 

If I ever become anxious or despise that I have to wait, then I would do well to remember the farmer, the prophets, and Job.  When I do my waiting does not seem so difficult a thing. 

Bless You

Circles of Confidence part II

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Friends of Christ

No one has greater love than this, that someone would lay down his life for his friends.
John 15:13 (HCSB)

Before we look at some of the friends of Christ I want to examine his teaching on friendship.  At the heart of friendship is a love that is sacrificial.  Without sacrificial love there can be no greater confidence and intimacy has reached its limit.  There are people who can live this way.  They have enough confidence in humanity to accomplish particular tasks (eg fellow workers), but they never go beyond.  Their circle of confidence never allows for others to come near them.  In doing this they protect themselves from being hurt.  However they tend to live lives of isolation and loneliness. 

You are My friends if you do what I command you.
John 15:14 (HCSB)

This verse can have double application I believe.  Jesus' is clearly saying when we love with a sacrificial love then we are His friends.  I think by implication when we do not love this way then we are not acting like friends of Jesus.  The other application I believe is that a friend will fulfill the request of another friend.  Don't get me wrong we must hold Jesus in higher regard than other friends, but if a friend asks you to do something and you do not do it then how is it that person is your friend.  In this way it seems to me that most friendships are killed by neglect and not by angry actions. When what we do does not match up with what we say or believe then we lack integrity.  This lack of integrity is destructive to relationships.  For example, If I say I believe in the Grace and Forgiveness of God, but I do not treat others graciously or in a forgiving manner then I lack integrity and people will question and/or reject my friendship and I am rejected by God (See Matthew 18:32-35). 

...I have called you friends, because I have made known to you everything I have heard from My Father.
John 15:15 (HCSB)

A friend is a person that shares important parts of what they know.  Openness is a good measure of friendships.  When a person starts to withhold information from another then friendships wither.  A lack of openness usually is a good measure of a lack of confidence.  This lack of confidence can be in certain areas of the relationship.  For example I may have high confidence that a friend will help me with a job around the house, but low confidence that they could help me with a emotional problem.  That is OK.  We will see that Jesus had fewer people that He put higher confidence in than those who were simply His friends.  So varying degrees of confidence is not a bad thing in itself. 

In this Jesus is making known to his friends what He is hearing from our Heavenly Father.  We to can make intimate things know about our relationship with God as well as intimate part of our lives.  As our confidence grows then so does our ability to be intimate in our relationships.  Jesus did not do this with everyone though.  In the same manner we need to discern who is a friend and who is not. 

You did not choose Me, but I chose you...
John 15:16 (HCSB)

Here we can again see a double meaning in this passage.  Jesus is saying that he chose His friends to be the continuation of His ministry here on earth.  His friends were going to establish the Church and tell others about the Good News of Salvation through Christ.  It also says that Jesus chose His friends.  In the same manner we to should choose our friends.  All to often people let others to choose them as friends.  Sometimes they are lucky and other times not so.  Keeping your eyes open and paying attention to how people talk about other, how they treat others, and to a certain extent trusting your convictions is a good way to discern who would be a good friend. 

In short then Jesus teaches that friendship involves sacrificial love, willingness to do things that a friend asks, openness, and a choice (discernment) of friends.  God willing I will look at the people that were friends of Christ.  God Bless You.

Circles of Confidence Part I

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There is a belief that confidence in another person has to be an all or nothing.  However we can have degrees of confidence that allows us to have more and less intimate relationships with others.  The greater the confidence the greater the intimacy.  One of the realities is that the greater the intimacy the greater the hurt when someone betrays that trust.  However God does not intend for us to life a life of isolation.  So how do we decide the level of confidence to place into others.  I propose that we take a look at the life of Christ to see how he handled the levels of trust, by what I call Circles of Confidence. 

From the Scriptures I can find ten circles of trust for our Lord: Money Changers (John 2:14-16), The hypocrites (Matthew 23:27-28), The Crowds (Matthew 4:25), the 120 disciples (Acts 1:15; Acts 1:21-22), The 70 sent (Luke 10:1), good friends (John 11:5), The twelve (Luke 9:1), The Three Closest Disciples (Luke 8:51; Luke 9:28; Mark 14:33), and Abba Father (Mark 14:36).  If you can think of these 10 circles each within the other with the most outside circle having the lowest level of confidence (even distrust) and the innermost circle (ie God) the highest level of confidence. 

Money Changers

Interestingly this is the only group that Jesus took specific action against (Matthew 21:12-13; Mark 11:15-17; John 2:14-16).  I do not want to draw this out too far.  Jesus' passion for His Heavenly Father was so intense He was moved to take action against those taking advantage of others genuinely seeking God.  They also served as a barrier to the poor seeking out God.    In the same respect anyone that would prevent others from seeking the Lord or take advantage of the poor are worthy of our distrust.  These are the people that are without care and compassion for others to the point that they have seared their conscience.  At times these people can be very hurtful and antisocial.  At others they can have the appearance of being helpful or desiring to help out. 

The Hypocrites

Those that Jesus identified as hypocrites were the religious leaders of His day (Matthew 23).  They acted righteous but lacked true spirituality and were short in grace and mercy (Matthew 23:23-24).  Jesus had harsh words for these.  It is fair to say that he had no confidence in them as well as there ability to be spiritual leaders.  He challenged them on the basis that they were educated in God's word and should have known better.  This is a bit different than someone who does not know God's word, but acts hypocritical (ie says one thing and does another).  These were the ultimate actors.  They had no problem proclaiming thier own self-importance.  Yet God's word convicts them (Matthew 15:7-9).  People that stand in self-righteousness judgment of others using religion to do this are the type of people that are worthy of no confidence.  Don't get me wrong people are to be discerning.  Some people use "don't judge" line to avoid accountability and conviction of sin.  We just need to work on our own log in our eye before moving to others specks (Matthew 7:5).  Jesus had no logs so He could see clearly.  Do you see clearly?  Sometimes our lack of trust has more to do with log in our eye than the other person's trustworthiness. 

The Crowds

Everywhere Jesus went He seemed to draw a crowd.  Jesus had compassion on these (Matthew 9:36), yet he did not entrust them to know and understand his mission (Matthew 13:10-11).  In some respects Jesus' confidence was neutral toward the crowds.  He was willing to share and be a part of their lives.  On the other hand He did not entrust them until they demonstrated some level of commitment to be disciples (See Luke 9:57-62).   I believe that when we are dealing with people in general  that we can have compassion and concern for them.  However we cannot just accept everyone into higher levels of confidence.  We risk being hurt if we extend confidence inappropriately (Matthew 7:6).  The goal should be to minister to needs and get to know them, but avoid higher levels of intimacy until they demonstrate a level of trustworthiness.

The Disciples (not the 12)

There is a group of people that followed Christ through his ministry.  Five hundred were witnesses of his resurrection (1 Corinthians 15:6).  One hundred and twenty were still waiting in Jerusalem at the time of Pentecost (Acts 1:15).   Some left at the difficulty of Jesus' teaching on Body and Blood being bread and wine of redemption (John 6:61; John 6:66). 

In our circle of friends and acquaintances we have people that we share common beliefs with.  We share a confidence with them because of these common beliefs.  At times these beliefs draw us together and at others they pull us apart.  There also is a level of commitment to these beliefs.  Notice that 500 diminished to 120 over the approximately 50 days following Christ's resurrection.  This tells me that not all those that share our beliefs are worthy of high confidence.  That is not to say that you are distrust them, just that your confidence would be medium until you were able to see if there actions match their beliefs.

The 70 Sent

Jesus entrusted these with a mission of spreading the Gospel (Luke 10:1-18).  At times we are tied to others with a specific purpose.  That is to say there is a specific task that is assigned.  This can occur in work relationships, church relationships, and community relationships.  If there is a task that needs to be accomplished it requires a moderate level of confidence in those doing the work.  Without confidence either the task is never given or it is sabotaged by an attitude of, "you probably won't be able to do this, but..." There is an expression in this section "a worker is worthy of his wages (v 10)."  Providing for the needs of those who are working is an expression of confidence.  Notice it is not the quality of work per sey that is worthy, but the work in and of itself (See Matthew 20:1-16).  It also leads me to believe that an expression of unworthiness is really robbing a person of just wages if they are making a sincere effort.   I have no doubt that in the midst of the Seventy there were those with greater skill and talent.  There also were those that shall we say less than perfect.  We know that some were quite excited about the power to cast out demons more than they were excited that they were in a saving relationship with Christ (Matthew 10:20). 

I am going to break here.  My next post will deal with the friends of Christ, the 12 apostles, and the three closest disciples.  So far we have covered two groups worthy of distrust (money changers, and hypocrites) those that take advantage of others who are weak, those that use religion for personal gain, those that stand in the way of others sincerely seeking God,  and those that use religion to promote there own righteousness and stand in judgment of others.  Then we talked about those that are neutral in confidence.  That is to say they are neither trusted or distrusted, but treated with compassion and a desire to meet their needs and get to know them better.  Moving in to a medium level of confidence we have those that share our beliefs and values.  We ended with those that we have a moderate level of confidence for the purpose of accomplishing a task at work, church, or in the community.  These we have enough confidence in them to believe they will accomplish the task at hand. 

I hope that you find this helpful.  God Bless You!

Trustworthiness: What does it look like?

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Sometimes it is much easier to see what trustworthy is not than to truly understand what it is.  It seems that distrust and unfaithfulness are easy to spot, but a trustworthy man who can find (Psalm 12:1). 

Many a man proclaims his own loyalty, but who can find a trustworthy man?
Proverbs 20:6 (HCSB)

I like words.  Words are the building blocks of ideas.  Without words we can scarcely communicate with one another.  Think of how it would be if you had no words.  Even our very consciousness is a product of words strung together giving our lives meaning.  When I try to understand an idea I often trace it back to the word.  To understand trustworthiness I believe it would be a useful exercise to look at the word itself in order to understand what we are looking to cultivate in our lives in order to be a trustworthy person. 

Before we do though let me just say that trustworthiness is more that simply understanding and saying the right words.  It is the action of trustworthiness that defines whether a person is or is not trustworthy.  No amount of special pleading will move a person from untrustworthiness to trustworthiness.  With that in mind lets look more into the meaning of this word.

Looking at Word Origins

Trustworthy as a word first appeared in the English literature around 1808.  This would make the word relatively young.  I would be very interested what word or words were used before to convey the idea.  Based on the King James (1611) the word would have been faithful (See Proverbs 11:13 (KJV) compared to Proverbs 11:13).  The word faithful can be traced back to the 1300s making it a much older word than trustworthy.  So now we have two words to explore faithful and trustworthy. 

Faithful quite literally means full of faith.  One might ask full of faith as to believe or worthy of other's full faith (ie confidence).  I would think it is both.  It does me no good to have other's faith and confidence when It is lacking in me.  Let me suggest though that being full of faith is a higher priority than having others confidence.

Faithful also indicates a person that is willing to stick to it for better and for worse.  It indicates consistency.  God remains faithful many times in spite of our unfaithfulness.  He is always faithful.  So in our relationships we can demonstrate faithfulness by being a consistent source of support, love, kindness, and edification for the one that we care for.   

This type of faith starts first in one's relationship with God.  It is a deep abiding trust that God will work things out for the good of those who trust and love God and follow Him and His purposes(Romans 8:28).  Notice how the trust leads to action.  I trust leading to love leading to following Him.  Often we turn that around like this.  I will do what I think God wants me to do, hoping to demonstrate my love and devotion to him and someday I will have enough faith to trust in Him.  Don't miss this point.  Being full of faith is confidence leading to action and not action leading to trust.  This is very important in this presentation of trust.  The act of trust is proceeded by trustworthiness (faithfulness) and confidence.  Full of faith then extends from this relationship with God into the relationships with other people (ie confidence; more on this in a future post)

Looking at Synonyms

A trustworthy person is authentic.  Often times in a relationship where trust has been broken or when someone is seeking to gain another's trust the person wanting to be trusted will fall into a pattern of telling the other what they think they want them to hear.  This approach may gain some points with the person in the short-term, but it lack authenticity and will be diminish trustworthiness in the long-term. 

A trustworthy person takes responsibility for their actions (good or bad).  It is easy to be defensive.  It takes a trustworthy person to accept not only the things they have done wrong in life, but to understand the effect that has had on others view of them personally.  Stated a different way blaming others for not seeing us as trustworthy (after doing something wrong) is denial of responsibility. 

A trustworthy person is mature.  There is whole host of things that come with maturity, but probably the biggest is perspective and effective action.  For example a mature person will recognize when a conversation is heading toward conflict and choose to do what best for the relationship rather than keep the conflict going to prove a point.  Maturity also carries with is some mellowness, calmness, levelheadedness.

A trustworthy person is credible.  This credibility is rooted in honesty, but it is also brought about by constancy in doing what one says they are going to do.  There is a correspondence between what I believe, what I say, and what I do.  That is integrity. 

A trustworthy person is open.  Openness to other points of view.  This does not mean that this person agrees with all points of view, but a trustworthy person is willing to listen until he or she understands the other's point of view. 

A trustworthy person lives by his or her values.  It is important to understand your own values and what is important to you.  It is important to understand why they are important to you.  Then it is important to let those values guide what you do.  So often we get trapped into making decisions based on our situations rather than our values.  Situational ethics is in the end becomes a personal choice based on what you believe is best for that situation.  Principled ethics lead you to choose based on what is right and just in each situation regardless of what might make you feel good.

There are many more words that define trustworthiness.  I have elaborated on some of them here.  You can see more synonyms here.  My recommendation is that you review this list of words and the words from the thesaurus and ask yourself, "Am I cultivating these qualities in my life?"  If you are then you seem to be on the right track.  If not then you have ask whether you really are growing in trustworthiness.  Honestly each person has work to do in the area of trustworthiness.  This exercise needs to be looking at one's self not used as a tool prove someone else's untrustworthiness.  If that is your tendency after reading this post then can I say that a trustworthy person acts to improve himself or herself in order that she or he can do what is in the best interests of the other person. 

Why do you look at the speck in your brother's eye but don't notice the log in your own eye? Or how can you say to your brother, 'Let me take the speck out of your eye,' and look, there's a log in your eye? Hypocrite! First take the log out of your eye, and then you will see clearly to take the speck out of your brother's eye.
Matthew 7:3-5 (HCSB)

In short then trustworthiness is...
Faithfulness
Authenticity
Taking responsibility
Maturity
Honesty and credibility
Openness
Principled based on values not situations
Willing to examine one's self
Acting in the best interests of others

 

 

Trustworthiness According to the Bible

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One of the strange things about the area of trustworthiness is that I takes many things to build it, but it only takes a few things (sometimes only one) to destroy it.  think about building a tower of blocks.  If you keep taking blocks out from the base the tower is going to collapse.  It is the same with trustworthiness.  But what is trustworthy and how do I know when I have it or have found it. 

According to the Bible a trustworthy person...

hates bribes	Exodus 18:21
is responsible	Nehemiah 13:13
keeps a confidence (not gossiping)	Proverbs 11:13
brings healing words	Proverbs 13:17
brings refreshing words	Proverbs 25:13
is honest with a friend even if means the subject is unpleasant	Proverbs 27:6
is above reproach, not negligent	Daniel 6:4
has friends willing to stand up for them	1 Samuel 22:14
believes in God and His word	2 Chronicles 20:20
has faith in God	Psalms 27:13
waits for God	Psalms 27:14
is a good steward (responsible with other's money)	Matthew 25:22-23
is given more responsibility based on faithfulness	Luke 19:16-17
is a servant of God and managers of God's mystery (gospel message)	1 Corinthians 4:1-2 See also Colossians 1:26-27
is respectful, not slanderous, self-controlled	1 Timothy 3:11
is an example in speech, conduct, love, faith, and purity	1 Timothy 4:12
takes care of their family	1 Timothy 5:16
holds on with hope and without wavering	Hebrews 10:23
is concerned about others, promotes love, promotes good works, attends worship with other believers, encourages others	Hebrews 10:24-25
walks in truth (integrity) and supports others (even strangers)	3 John 1:3-8
is faithful during affliction	Revelation 2:10

Here is an interesting lesson on faithfulness.  Jonah the faithful prophet of God became unfaithful, yet God used him in spite of Jonah's unfaithfulness.  Albeit Jonah needed a little convincing in the belly of a fish for three days and three nights.  He still did not get it at the end so one wonders whether he ever got it turned around.  Probably otherwise we would not have the book.  Even more interesting is that the Ninevites whom enriched themselves with the plunder of wars became trustworthy in a moment through repentance at God's Word (Jonah 3:5-9).  Jesus even used them of an example of trustworthiness (Luke 11:32).    So the bloodthirsty Ninevites gain trustworthiness through the wonderful grace of God.  And that same grace is available to us through Christ.  Praise God for His wonderful mercy and grace.  Praise God for new beginnings. 

The story of Jonah along with the verses above have shown me that trustworthiness is first based on a relationship with God followed by a commitment to grow in Him.  A trustworthy Christian is one that is growing in his or her relationship with Christ.  One problem with thinking of trustworthiness as a category or a goal to achieve is that it lends itself to the belief that we can arrive at trustworthiness and then our work is done.  Not so.  These passages I have shared with you make it clear to me that trustworthiness is a life long pursuit and requires persistence to grow in this way. 

I encourage you to make faithfulness a goal of your daily walk with Christ.  Do not let neglect become your weakness leading to unfaithfulness ending in broken trust.  God Bless you.

Interaction of Three Dimensions of Trust

These tables gives an idea of how the three dimensions Trustworthiness, Confidence, and Entrusting interact with each other and personality characteristics from my perspective.  The risk of such a chart is that it implies categories.  Let me just say that most of these are on a continuum (scale).  For example you could say high medium or low confidence.  You could also make the case for high, medium, and low trustworthiness.  However, for these charts I am going to stick to two levels on each dimension. 

Warning: these tables are speculative and should be taken with a healthy degree of skepticism.  I do welcome feedback below about your degree of agreement or disagreement with what I have put here as well as any suggestions to improve the model.

Choice Not to Entrust

	High Trustworthiness	Low Trustworthiness
High Confidence in other	Pre-trust (cautious optimism) Self Other fears (eg fear of commitment) Low or unresolved trauma Low self-worth Other Confusion Gentle attempts to understand	Naive Distrust  Self High risk for being hurt if trust is given Poor boundary Naive Other Looking for right moment to take advantage predatory Self-interest
Low Confidence In other	Fear Based Distrust  Self Fear of being hurt Possible History of trauma relationship(s) Need for healing Looking for evidence to not trust Other Regretted breaking of trust High levels of frustration Feeling attacked (defensive) Desire to redeem self Feeling helpless at times	Appropriate Distrust Self Healthy Boundary Healthy sense of self Good Judge of Character Other Likely to move on once it is realized one is not entrusted  Anger Can be vengeful

Choice to Entrust

	High Trustworthiness	Low Trustworthiness
High Confidence in other	Appropriate Trust (Healthy Relationship) Self Love and Respect Feeling secure Openness High intimacy Other Satisfied in relationship Mutual Love and respect Aware of others needs	Blind Trust Self Possibly blind to other's Character Poor self-image low self esteem Victim stance "Need" to be in a relationship Poor judge of Character Other Taking advantage deception for personal gain Self-focused High need for control
Low Confidence in other	Appropriate Risk taking Self Trust can quickly removed at slightest offense Lack of intimacy seems to hold back something Desire to control risks  Other Mild to moderate frustration Moments of impatience otherwise gentle longing for greater intimacy willing to wait for restored confidence Sensitive to needs	Sadomasochistic relationship (High likelihood of abuse) Self self-hatred turned inward Distorted sense of relationships Belief in deserve to be punished feeling trapped or no alternatives Other Self Hatred turned outward Controlling See others as objects not people Openly hostile Lack of respect Disregard for needs of others

In my next posts I will deal more practically with the tree dimensions of trust. 

Three sides of Trust.

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Trust can be a very difficult thing to understand let alone have.  In my experience there are three side to trust: The quality of trust (trustworthiness), the ability to trust (confidence), and the act of trust (entrusting).  I frequently hear the question, "Why don't you trust me!"  It is a painful moment when distrust has become a part of a relationship.  I hope to present some ideas about building trust (or rebuilding it if it has been lost).  Let's start with some definitions.  

trust-wor-thy(trust'w�r'the)
Warranting trust; reliable.
trustworthy. (n.d.) The American Heritage Dictionary of the English Language, Fourth Edition. (2003). Retrieved February 24 2010 from http://www.thefreedictionary.com/trustworthy

trust (trust)
n.
1. Firm reliance on the integrity, ability, or character of a person or thing.
2. Custody; care.
3. Something committed into the care of another; charge.
4.
     a. The condition and resulting obligation of having confidence placed in one: violated a public trust.
     b. One in which confidence is placed.
5. Reliance on something in the future; hope.
v. trust-ed, trust-ing, trusts
v.intr.
1. To have or place reliance; depend: Trust in the Lord. Trust to destiny.
2. To be confident; hope.
v.tr.
1. To have or place confidence in; depend on.
2. To expect with assurance; assume: I trust that you will be on time.
3. To believe: I trust what you say.
4. To place in the care of another; entrust.
5. To grant discretion to confidently: Can I trust them with the boat?
6. To extend credit to.
trust. (n.d.) The American Heritage Dictionary of the English Language, Fourth Edition. (2003). Retrieved February 24 2010 from http://www.thefreedictionary.com/trust

con-fi-dence (kon'fi-d?ns)
n.
1. Trust or faith in a person or thing.
2. A trusting relationship: I took them into my confidence.
3.
     a. That which is confided; a secret: A friend does not betray confidences.
     b. A feeling of assurance that a confidant will keep a secret: I am telling you this in strict confidence.
4. A feeling of assurance, especially of self-assurance.
5. The state or quality of being certain: I have every confidence in your ability to succeed.
confidence. (n.d.) The American Heritage Dictionary of the English Language, Fourth Edition. (2003). Retrieved February 24 2010 from http://www.thefreedictionary.com/confidence

en-trust (en-trust')
tr.v. en-trust-ed also in-trust-ed, en-trust-ing also in-trust-ing, en-trusts also in-trusts
1. To give over (something) to another for care, protection, or performance: "He still has the aura of the priest to whom you would entrust your darkest secrets" (James Carroll).
2. To give as a trust to (someone): entrusted his aides with the task.
entrust. (n.d.) The American Heritage Dictionary of the English Language, Fourth Edition. (2003). Retrieved February 24 2010 from http://www.thefreedictionary.com/entrust

I will be posting more on these three in upcoming posts.  Let me offer an introduction here.  Trust takes two.  What is more the responsibility for trust in a relationship is shared if it is going to be a healthy relationship. 

Both parties have a responsibility to behave in a trustworthy manner.  When there are inconsistencies in this regard it is destructive to trust.  Behaving trustworthy is something that is definitely within your control.  However, let me just say that it is not possible to be perfect.  Trustworthiness is always tempered by our own brokenness.  Brokenness is not an excuse to behave untrustworthy.  You have to make things right if there is going to be trust in your relationship.  On the flipside if you are waiting for perfected trustworthiness before extending confidence to someone you will be waiting a long time as no one has perfection this side of heaven.  Or if you do find someone to trust eventually they will let you down "Familiarity breeds contempt" and you will always be able to find reasons to distrust someone. 

If the relationship is going to be trusting then both parties have to reach a place where they place their confidence in the other.  This involves recognizing and accepting the risk of vulnerability in the relationship.  It involves the possibility and likelihood of being hurt.  No one can hurt us more than those we put our trust in.  Why would we do it then?  Well without the possibility of pain and suffering then we lose out on the possibility of true companionship, intimacy, and joy that comes from a trusting relationship.  Stated a different way you cannot have true companionship, intimacy, and joy from someone you have only a casual acquaintance with and for whom you have not placed confidence in. 

When a measure of trustworthiness and confidence have been established then the act of entrusting the other is the next step.  Trustworthiness is acting in a manner worthy of trust, confidence is an internal decision to trust, and entrusting is the action of trust in the relationship. 

Let me offer a non-interpersonal example.  I have a need of a checking account.  I have banked with the same bank since I started working some 20 + years ago.  Why?  First the Bank is trustworthy (by my estimation).  I cannot say they have been perfect, but they have always been honorable.  They are sound.  They are insured.  I have confidence in my bank's ability to provide checking account services.  As a result I entrust my money to them.   As a result I have a trusting relationship with my bank. 

I have much more I want to share on this subject, but I think this might be a good stopping point for this post.  More to come. 

God Bless You

Emotional Intimacy

Image by _Teb via Flickr

Emotional intimacy is a difficult thing.  It requires a high level of mutual respect and trust.  When that trust is broken the pain is deep.  If the emotional intimacy is genuine then the grief over hurting another is deeply felt.  On the positive side true emotional intimacy can be a place of great fulfillment.  The level of sharing, commitment, self-sacrifice, and connection with your spouse increases in direct relationship to the level of emotional intimacy that you have in your relationship. 

Emotional intimacy is the ability to share life's hopes, dreams, fears, feelings, thoughts, and connection with your spouse.  It is being able to lay bare what is on your mind without shame or fear of retaliation.  It is a peace that comes when all is well in the relationship. 

Emotional intimacy is hard to build, but easy to tear down.  Trust is at the foundation of emotional intimacy.  Without trust there cannot be true emotional intimacy.  Building trust occurs when a person acts in a trustworthy manner.  If a person does not act trustworthy then the other person becomes skeptical and trust is hard to come by then. 

Want to build emotional intimacy with your spouse?  Start with building a sense of trustworthiness.  It is important to understand that trustworthiness is as much in the eye of the beholder as it is in the actions that you take.  Stated another way a person may act in a trustworthy manner, but that does not automatically result in a sense of trustworthiness.  It take a person to trust in return.  I know the statement is circular, but it fits with what I am trying to say. 

Words that denote trustworthiness

Honest Reliable Fair Steadfastness Loyal Faithful

Integrity Fidelity Firmness Devoted Loving Dependable

Endurance Honor Unfailingness Keeps private matters private Perseverance Principled

Does this list describe your actions in your marriage?  Does your spouse recognize these qualities in you? 

Begin to think over this list.  Make it a priority to grown in trustworthiness with your spouse.  If you do then you can grow in emotional intimacy.  Some might feel threatened by this task as to admit a need to grow would automatically indicate that there have been areas that we have been lacking.  However, I believe that we can all grow in this area whether your relationship is on shaky ground or if it is rock solid.  Trustworthiness and the resulting emotional intimacy is both restorative as it is protective.  It restores that which has been lost (with much hard work) and it protects that which has been gained (hard fought for).