Coping with Anger

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There are times in which the situation that has you upset is not going to change or at least not change in the short term.  It is at these times that we have to learn to cope and work through the difficulty.  Here are some strategies for coping with anger. 

Express Feelings through�

We have an extraordinary ability to channel strongly held emotions in to all kinds of activities.  We can do this with anger.  The possibilities are as varied as people are varied.  I tend to express my feelings through writing.  But you could also write music, make music, create art and so on.

Go for a walk

Walking often takes you away from the anger provoking situation.  It lets cooler heads to prevail.  It also uses up some of the excess energy that comes from being upset.  When you walk try to clear your mind using CALM MIND. 

Physical Exercise and/or sports

Doing something physical helps to release the energy and can also be a acceptable way to release anger.  A little bit of an edge can be gained through anger.  I know that when I am lifting weights for example I can lift a little more weight or a couple more sets when I have been angry. 

Continue to relax

Relaxed and angry states are incompatible.   That is to say you cannot be physiologically angry and calm at the same time.  Here are some ways to practice relaxation.

Avoiding trouble

"Don't do it,  Don't say that!"  Your conscience is sounding off the alarm and you just plow right through with your own way.  Ever done that?  Well it seems silly to point this out, but in reality we need the reminder.  Approaching troublesome situations while you are feeling angry it a bit like pouring gasoline on a fire. 

Setting Healthy Boundaries

Sometimes our anger comes from the fact that we have not set healthy boundaries for ourselves.  We want to say, "NO!" but cave to other's desires at the expense of our own well being.  In this case the anger is resentment toward the other person for taking advantage of us.  We bear some of the responsibility. If we become good at setting boundaries with others then we can avoid situations where we reluctantly go along with things that hurt ourselves in the end.  Boundaries can be hard to set for someone that has been reluctant to do so.  First you have to guard your heart.  If people can hurt you at a heart level you are unlikely to set firm boundaries.  Then you have to give yourself permission to say "NO."  Next you have to learn to be assertive in a positive way rather than passive or aggressive way.  Finally you have to be clear and firm with what your boundaries are.  I think the topic of boundaries deserves a post to itself.  Maybe in the near future I will do some on the topic. 

Humor

Humor is good medicine.  You may not feel like it when you are upset, but humor can lift the spirits.  Whether it is you adding a little levity to a tense situation or if it is finding something humorous to be entertained with.  There is a strong indication in research that humor is one characteristic of a mutually satisfying marriage.  I believe that humor keeps us out of the hurtful bitterness that comes from unresolved anger. 

Personal Reflection

Sometimes when we are annoyed and irritated it is not clear to us why.  Sometimes we are upset with ourselves and we take it out on others.  Sometimes we are just plain selfish.  In these cases I believe personal reflection is in order.  Finding the root cause of your anger even if it is yourself or is a reflection of self-centeredness is useful in sorting things out.  Personal reflection can take the form of meditation over the situation to understand (not stew or blame).  It can be through writing it down (in a journal or a log).  The goal is to be more aware of your thoughts and pay attention to your internal dialogue. 

Meditation on Scriptures

I find that the Bible is like a mirror to the soul.  We look into a mirror to fix our hair and see our faces.  But we do not see the deeper self, our soul.  When we look into scriptures and we allow God's Holy Spirit to do His work the Bible becomes a powerful force in our lives to reveal our inner nature.  Meditation on scriptures not only is revealing, but it is also transformative.  Meditation will take your anger and change it to love and forgiveness. 

Forgiveness

The highest act we can do in our lives is to forgive one who has offended us.  Forgiveness is an act of the will choosing to live peaceably with consequences of someone else's missing the mark (sin).  In so far as it is possible with you you choose to live at peace with the person who has offended (Romans 12:18).  Forgiveness is not saying what someone has done to hurt you is right.  Forgiveness is not the elimination of external consequences.   Forgiveness is not putting yourself back into a situation to be hurt again. 

Unforgiveness hurts you more than it hurts the person you do not forgive.  In reality the person you refuse to forgive does not likely  think of how they offended you.  If they were thoughtful of you then they would not have offended you in the first place.  Or if they do care about how they offended then they would have quickly sought reconciliation.  As it is when you hold on to the hurt it becomes bitterness and bitterness becomes despair and despair robs you of life. 

 

In the end anger is a complex and rich emotion.  We have to learn to respect and use anger in a healthy way.  Anger itself is not bad, but much evil can come from anger if we let it.  On the other hand if we use anger to push us to greater action and to transform our lives and the lives of others then it can be a force for much good.  The choice it yours.  What will you do the next time you are affected by this passionate emotion we call "anger."

 

God Bless You
~BJ

OK I'm Angry So Now What? (Learning Relaxation)

Image by Xavier Fargas via Flickr

Once a person has recognized their triggers and signals, what does he/she do next?  I have previously posted on the Biology of Anger here.  In short it difficult to overcome biology.  When you are angry your fight or flight response needs to be quieted.  This is primarily accomplished through relaxation (see here for some ideas).

Relaxation and intense anger are incompatible states.  The idea is to become so good at relaxation that you can sort of turn it on.  Some people mistake relaxation to be an event.  For example: "I can't wait for the weekend so I can relax."  or "I will finally be able to relax on vacation."  or "When I lay down I can relax."  The problem with this view is that relaxation is tied to your external circumstances.  Relaxation is not of any particular use if you are angry about your situation.  The situation is not relaxing by definition.  However, relaxation is not an event.  It is a skill and a state of mind. 

I don't say this out of need, for I have learned to be content in whatever circumstances I am.
Philippians 4:11 (HCSB)

Contentment is relaxation of the soul.  If Paul has learned how to be content in whatever circumstances he is in the I firmly believe that we can do the same. 

Start with relaxing the body.  There are many strategies for relaxation.  I have written about a few that I have used with people in my counseling practice.  Here are a few more ideas.  The goal is to find one that works for you and practice it every day. 

By practicing it everyday you accomplish at least three things. 

First you learn to recognize tension.  by recognizing the difference between a relaxed and tense state you can add this to your awareness of signals for anger. 

Second you lower your set level of tension.  We all have a general level of tension in our day to day life.  Some people's level is higher and others lower.  By lowering you set level of tension you give yourself more room to respond over reacting.  Think of it this way if you are already highly tense then it will not take much additional stress from your circumstance to push you into a negative reaction.  But if you are lower in tension from practicing relaxation then it will take more stress to push you to a negative reaction, which will give you more time to effectively respond. 

The third thing that practicing relaxation accomplishes is that you get better at it.  Think of an activity that you get better at with more practice.  The same is true for relaxation.  In fact the better you get at relaxation the more effectively you can use it in a tense moment. 

I have had people tell me in counseling, "I have tried those relaxation strategies and they do not work for me."   When I ask them when the tried it they respond, "When I got angry of course."  There is a problem in this thinking.  If you are a basketball player and the only time you take shots at the basket is during a basketball game you are not going to me a good basketball player.  To be good at something takes practice.  Some activities take a lot of consistent practice.  Relaxation is one of those activities in my opinion. 

Practicing relaxation has many health benefits as well.  Give it a try.  Notice the sense of well-being that comes through effectively relaxing. 

God Bless You

Related articles

• Calm Your Nerves With Relaxation Exercises (everydayhealth.com)
• Progressive Muscle Relaxation Techniques for Athletes (brighthub.com)
• Progressive Muscle Relaxation (psychologytoday.com)

The Biology of Anger

When a person becomes angry there are two tell tale signs that you can see.  First is shallow heavy breathing, and the second is increased blood flow (seen as flushed face or felt as being hot).  The Bible makes several references to these types of anger.  The anger that is represented by breathing hard can be the result of a serious offence against you or someone you love or it can be as simple as a wish or desire unfulfilled.  We can all fall into this.  Most often others that see it will say "Are you angry?"  More often than not we play it off and say "No."  The fact is whether it is a serious situation or a trivial selfish whim the anger needs to be dealt with or it will develop into something worse. 

I have personally experienced the pains of my own anger unchecked as well as been the victim of others anger unchecked.  My guess is that we all have had this experience.  The question is why with all of our regret and discontent for the state of affairs do we fall into the trap of anger again and again.  I believe that anger is a complex emotion that has biological, psychological, and spiritual implications.  I would like to delve into the biological aspect first. 

Four words that come from the Bible that point to the biological implications of anger are in Hebrew af and awnaf (meaning rapid breathing), chemah (implying heat), and in Greek thymos (implying breathing hard).  Feeling hot and breathing hard (or rapid) are biological functions that serve a purpose.  These are similar to fight or flight.

Fight or flight (activation of the sympathetic nervous system) is a well documented and well researched phenomena within the field of neurology and psychology.   The biological systems affected by fight or flight are:

• Respiratory (increased breathing rate and dilation of the bronchial tubes)
• Cardiac (increased heart rate and dilation of blood vessels to the muscles, and constriction of blood vesicles to other parts of the body
• Inhibition of digestion (that is digestion slows down or stops)
• Paling or flushing (blood drained out or red faced)
• dilation of pupils of the eyes
• Auditory exclusion (loss of hearing)
• Loss of peripheral vision (tunnel vision)
• tremors
• increased perspiration

These are all automatic responses that cannot be directly controlled by the person that is experiencing them.  What is more once this response kicks in it tends to build until the threat or perceived threat is removed.  Even after the threat is removed the effects of fight or flight slowly return to a normal state. 

The brain it the control center of biological functioning.  In the brain two parts are implicated in anger response: the lymbic system and the prefrontal cortex.  The lymbic system buried deep the brain is responsible for the automatic fight or flight response (Hypothalamus just below the thalamus) and the experience of emotion (Amygdala).  The Prefrontal Cortex (part of the frontal lobe) is responsible for planning, organizing, and reasoning.  Your brain is literally sending a mixed message.  One part is saying "hit this guy or run away." While the other part of your brain is saying "Maybe we could just talk to him."  When you blend those two together what comes out is a blend of the two.  Maybe you don't hit the guy, but you attack him verbally.  This is of course a gross oversimplification of brain functioning, but I hope that it illustrates the brain function of anger.  

What happens when the prefrontal cortex (the reasonable part of the brain) is not working properly or is diminished?  If the fight or flight response is unchecked then intense fear and/or intense rage occurs.  The resulting behavior becomes intensely violent/aggressive or extremely protective without much thought to the implications or consequences of this behavior.  This is why you will have a moment of anger then later you regret when the frontal cortex comes back online so to speak.  After the moment of anger is past you are now thinking with the front part of your brain realize the implications of what just happened where as when you were angry these thoughts we shut down or quieted. 

Biology of anger has implications in what we do with anger.  First there has to be a way to quiet down the fight or flight response.  The best way to do this is to relax.  Relaxation activates the parasympathetic nervous system which acts in opposition to the sympathetic nervous system (fight or flight).  That is why it is not possible to be engaged and relaxed at the same time.  They are two incompatible biological states.  There are many ways to relax, counting exercises, progressive muscle relaxation, deep breathing, use of imagery, and meditation are some ways I have used to help people learn the skill of relaxation (see here for more information).  By practicing relaxation you lower you set level so that when the fight or flight kicks in you do not have as high a peak.  Also by learning relaxation you can also more quickly arrest and recover from fight or flight.  This takes much practice. 

Another thing you can do has to do with the thinking planning part of your brain.  The goal is to bring the prefrontal cortex on line early on so that you are responding rather than reacting to anger.  There are a couple of tricks to do this.  One is to recognize the difference between a real and perceived threat.  Anger is a response to a threatening situation.  When it really comes down to it there are very few situations in our day to day life that are real legitimate threats to our wellbeing.  To me a legitimate threat is being assaulted by someone or threatened of life and limb.  For example a guy with a gun pointed at you.  On the other hand being angry with a pool cover is not a legitimate threat to my well being.  If you reason that a threat is not legitimate then you need to relax, distract, or disengage.  Often though just recognizing that there is no legitimate threat is enough to being the process of cooling off.  A second trick to get the front part of your brain to activate is a series of questions based on the acronym "I AM Worth it" developed by Redford Williams MD.

• Important:  Is this important to me?
• Appropriate: Is it appropriate for me to be angry in this situation?
• Modifiable: Is there something I can do about it?
• Worth It: Is it worth it to do something in this situation?

If you answer all the questions yes then two things have happened.  One you have identified a legitimate problem to be solved.  Two you are now thinking and reasoning rather and angrily reacting.  On the other hand if you answer "no" to any of them then you are in a situation you have to cope with and again you are thinking over reacting.  By bringing your front part of your brain online you will being the process of quieting the biological anger response. 

What other ways can you think of to cool off or relax the biological response to anger?

God Bless You All

---

Notes
1. Duke Medicine Health Line "Why Anger Kills" Published: Nov. 26, 2007 Updated: May 24, 2010 Retrieved August 24, 2010.  

Relaxation

Image by HewGriff via Flickr

One of the most beneficial gifts that you can give yourself in a stress filled world is the ability to relax.  You might be saying to yourself, but I do relax.  Let me say that relaxation is not an event it is a skill.  Anyone can relax under the right circumstances, but to relax when the pressure is on well that is something else.  There are many ways to learn relaxation. The key to relaxation is regular and consistent practice

Progressive Muscle relaxation

This technique involves the systematic tensing and relax of all the muscle groups of your body.  By using this exercise you learn the difference between tension and relaxation and achieve a state of relaxation in the process.  Here are some links to help you out:
Written Instructions
Anxiety Disorders Association of British Columbia 
Written Instruction For Kids
Koeppen, A.S. (1974). Relaxation training for children. Elementary School Guidance and Counseling, 9, 14-21.
Male Voice
Georgia Southern University
Female Voice MP3
Carleton College
My Voice Recording MP3

Breathing Exercises

We do not often pay attention to our breathing until there is something that is restricting it.  Then we become immediately aware of how important breathing is.  One thing that happens with this lack of awareness of our breathing is that we can develop bad breathing habits.  For example fast and shallow breathing tends to increase feelings of anxiety.  While slow deep breathing increases feelings of calm.  The relaxation through breathing's goal is to make you more aware of this and relax through slow rhythmic breathing.  Here are some links to help you out:
Written Instructions 
Anxiety Disorders Association of British Columbia
Female Voice MP3
Male Voice MP3
UC Santa Cruz

Counting Exercises

Counting can be a great way to get your mind off of a stressful situations and occupy it with something that helps you to relax.  There are many counting methods.  My preferred method is to count up to 20 slowly 1,2,3,4,5,6,7,8,9,10,11,12,13,14,15,16,17,18,19,20.  And then count backwards to 1 slowly 20,19,18,17,16,15,14,13,12,11,10,9,8,7,6,5,4,3,2,1.  Repeat this pattern for 3-5 minutes.  If you notice that your mind wanders that is OK.  Every person that I have tried this with reports mind wander.  When you become aware that your mind is wandering gently bring it back to the counting exercise.  Other counting Ideas are counting your breaths, counting your steps, count the clock ticking, counting backwards from 100, counting down for relaxation starting with 10 waiting until you feel a deeper relaxation before going to the next number. 

Imagery

Image by Mastery of Maps via Flickr

The use of imagery is an effective way to relax.  It is like a mental vacation where you travel to a very relaxing place using your mind.  When I use this technique I like to go two West Maui at sunset.  Here are some links to help you with this exercise:
Beach
River
University of Illinois
Forest Stream
Kansas State University
Beach
Forest
Georgia Southern University

Meditation

Mindfulness

I have written a number of posts on Christian Mindfulness which I encourage you to read.  Mindfulness is slowing down to become aware of the world around you.  The phrase "Take time to stop and smell the roses" is an example of mindfulness meditation.  Here are some links:
Christian Mindfulness
Awareness of Surroundings
Mindful Looking
Mindful Listening

Scripture Meditation

I believe that the Bible has words of life.  That is to say that the Bible is life giving and life sustaining.  Developing a habit of regular meditation on the Bible is good for Spiritual Health as well as for Physical health.  Focused meditation on the Bible's instruction for your need will develop a state of peace and relaxation.  Links:
How to meditate on the Bible
Online Bible Topic Index

Relaxation is a skill that will take much practice to become good at it!  I would recommend that you spend 1-2 times a day practicing one or more of these methods for about three weeks.  After that you can practice 3-5 times a week or when you are feeling particularly stressed, anxious, upset, angry, or irritable. 
If you have any questions about this please feel free to write them in the comment section below.