Being Helpful Toward Others

It has been a while since I have written a post. I was leading a Bible study yesterday and it was a good lesson on how to be an encouragement while offering constructive criticism. At times we can fall into a critique that points more toward division rather than toward positive change. This can make or break relationships. Honestly, I have had positive and negative examples of this. And if I am honest, I have been a positive as well as a negative example of this. So, let’s dig in.

Advice from a father-in-law?

There can be danger in giving and receiving advice from in-laws. Let me just start off by saying I have the most wonderful in laws ever. You might think you have the best, but you don’t. I am the lucky one that got the best. Early on in my relationship with my wife Amy (because of my immaturity), I felt threatened by them. This type of situation can be an opportunity for conflict and division. We see though in the context of Moses’ relationship with Jethro (his father-in-law) a beautiful example of how a father-in-law can speak, transforming truth into his son-in-law’s life.

We see in this interaction an example that we can follow and attempt to have positive and transforming relationships with not just our in-laws, but with others as well. There is an outline of sorts that can be drawn from the text. The passage we are looking at is Exodus 18. We see that Moses had sent his family (wife and two children) to stay with his father-in-law, and now Jethro was bring them back to Moses (Exodus 18:1-6). At the beginning of this reunion Moses is telling Jethro all that God had been doing in his and the people of Israel’s life (Exodus 18:7-8). Jethro then expressing praise and appreciation about what God has been doing, and he held a celebration of this blessing of God and reunion (Exodus 18:9-12). The next day Moses is busy with his duties as the leader of the people of Israel (Exodus 18:13). Jethro was observing how Moses was conducting his duties (Exodus 18:14). At this point Jethro became concerned about how Moses was doing his work. He sought to understand what exactly Moses was trying to do and why he was going about it that way. Moses described what his duties were (Exodus 18:15-16). At this point Jethro expresses his concern (Exodus 18:17), and validates how difficult the task that Moses is facing (Exodus 18:18). Jethro then proceeded to offer his recommendation of how Moses could more effectively conduct his duties (Exodus 18:19-23). Moses wisely heard and implemented the recommendations that his father-in-law made (Exodus 18:24-26). Now that we have an overview of this whole event let’s dig in and see what we can learn that might apply to our own relationships.

Building an environment of praise and thankfulness

We see at the beginning that Jethro was interested in what Moses had been doing. This is no small matter. In relationships (if you hope to be a positive influence) you must be genuinely interested in what is going on in his or her life. This takes time. Notice also that it was more than a simple catching up on what had happened, but it was a celebration of what God had been doing in Moses’ life. We often as Christians miss the opportunity to praise and celebrate God’s work in people’s life. We talk about the trivial and the mundane all the while neglecting the deeper spiritual nature of life. Also notice that the focus was not on the unpleasant hardships that had been faced. Both Moses and Jethro focused on the positive things that had occurred. This is so important. We can build a culture of grumbling. In Philippians 2:14-16 we read:

Philippians 2:14–16 CSB

Do everything without grumbling and arguing,

so that you may be blameless and pure, children of God who are faultless in a crooked and perverted generation, among whom you shine like stars in the world,

by holding firm to the word of life. Then I can boast in the day of Christ that I didn’t run or labor for nothing.

In this passage we learn that we are to do everything without grumbling or arguing. One way we can do this is to focus on praiseworthy things. It is interesting as well that this lack of grumbling and arguing is to be faultless in a crooked and perverted generation. When the world around us has descended into a quagmire of grumbling and arguing we as believers have an opportunity to create a community that shines like stars in the dark world. That is exactly what Moses and Jethro were doing here. Moses could have easily fallen into grumbling. In fact, just a couple of chapters earlier grumbling risked tearing this newly established nation apart (Exodus 16:2ff).

1 Thessalonians 5:15–18 CSB

See to it that no one repays evil for evil to anyone, but always pursue what is good for one another and for all.

Rejoice always,

pray constantly,

give thanks in everything; for this is God’s will for you in Christ Jesus.

Notice here that giving thanks in everything is God’s will for those of us who are in Christ. Also notice that we are to pursue what is good for one another and for all! This can be demanding work. It is much easier to selfishly seek good for ourselves or for our own group. But the command to seek good for all is unmistakable. Well, that is the environment that Moses and Jethro were creating in their relationship with each other.

Paying attention to and learning what is going on

The next thing we can observe from this interaction between Jethro and Moses is that Jethro was paying attention to the circumstances of Moses’ life (Exodus 18:14). To be a positive influence on others you must be alert and engaged. As a counselor I have learned the power of attentive listening. Unfortunately, in my life I have also learned the damage from inattentiveness in relationships. The problems that inattentiveness can be very hurtful and at times devastating to the relationship. In this case to be engaged is to care for the soul of another. This is no small privilege and this is among the greatest of responsibilities. But Jethro’s example goes even a step further.

No doubt Jethro had already formed an opinion about the foolishness of Moses trying to take on the questions and problems of hundreds of thousands of people all by himself. He could have led with, “Moses you are being foolish.” but instead he chose to ask Moses what he was attempting to accomplish. Being a positive influence is more than just offering your opinion. It deepens your understanding of the hopes, dreams, and aspirations of the other person. It is understanding what makes them tick. What motivates them and why do they do the things that they do? People may be foolish, ineffective, or hurtful in the things they do, but there is always an underlying reason for what they do. Jethro looked beyond the absurdity of the situation to attempt to understand Moses’ heart. We would do well to practice the same in our relationships. This invitation to Moses to share what he was doing reveals that his task was God ordained. Jethro does not take away from this high calling. He is about to share with his son-in-law how he might more effectively accomplish the calling that God has on his life.

A disposition for giving and receiving advice  

Proverbs 25:11–12 CSB

A word spoken at the right time is like gold apples in silver settings.

A wise correction to a receptive ear is like a gold ring or an ornament of gold.

It turns out (not surprisingly) that how you give and receive advice is as (if not more) important as the quality of advice that you are giving. That is in part what we are trying to describe here.

Jethro is gently and humbly approaching Moses with his concerns. So often we are eager to give our opinions to others. And yet the Bible clearly speaks against this type of disposition as seen in Proverbs 18:2 “A fool does not delight in understanding, but only wants to show off his opinions.” Our disposition ought to be to be wise in the timing and manner of our speech. This requires humility and compassion.

It is also important that the person receiving advice has a humble disposition. Proverbs 19:20 “Listen to counsel and receive instruction so that you may be wise later in life.” Proverbs 13:10 “Arrogance leads to nothing but strife, but wisdom is gained by those who take advice.” Having a heart to hear those around you makes you wise. So often we fall into a response that is defensive. Moses could have said to his father-in-law “God chose me to give advice and instruction to the people. Who are you to now instruct me?” Moses spoke to God face to face. And yet with great humility he listened to what Jethro had to say (Exodus 18:24).

Pride and arrogance are antithetical to wisdom. Proverbs 11:2 “When arrogance comes, disgrace follows, but with humility comes wisdom.” So then in both giving and receiving advice humility is a sweet taste to bitter medicine. We do well to remember this very important disposition.

Validation before advice

At the heart of Jethro’s correction of Moses was a care and concern for his wellbeing. This is expressed through his validation that “you will wear yourself out” and “you cannot do this alone.”  No doubt Moses would have been exhausted after a non-stop sunup to sundown counseling session with the people of Israel. Jethro validates this for Moses. He speaks understanding and empathy here. When we can express care and understanding toward others, we place ourselves in the best possible place to give advice. On the other hand, when we fail to validate or worse say things that are dismissive then we could have the most wonderful advice in the world, but it is very unlikely to be received. Validation opens the heart to hear. Validation is an expression of deep understanding and awareness of the other person’s thoughts, feelings, and actions. Now notice Jethro did not have to see Moses’ actions as being good, in fact he says, “what you are doing is not good.”  Validation is not agreement. Validation is compassionate understanding (See Colossians 3:12-15).

Giving advice

Wisdom comes from God! This advice from Jethro was wise. At times wisdom is more than understanding theological truths. Now don’t get me wrong, I am not dismissing the importance of these. Jethro was not challenging the important work or message that Moses was bringing to the people. What he was concerned about was the effectiveness of his ministry and more importantly how that would impact Moses and the people of Israel. I am thankful for those that can investigate a situation, offer a fresh perspective, and further present workable ideas for improvement. We should always be open to hear wisdom even when it comes from our in-laws.

So, in summary, then giving good advice starts with a humble and compassionate disposition as the giver and receiver of that advice. It is best to have a culture of thankfulness and praise. Advice in a grumbling culture is not often well received. Giving advice requires a front-end investment in paying attention and learning about the other person. It is rooted in a deep care and concern for the other person and not an opportunity to pridefully share your opinion. Finally, validation of the other person’s thoughts, feelings, and situation should always precede advice. Being dismissive and invalidating leads to conflict and division. The challenge to us is to “speak the truth in love” and in doing so we will become mature demonstrating that Jesus Christ is our Lord (see Ephesians 4:15). Let us rise to the challenge to offer and receive wisdom from one another. God Bless You!

~BJ